


Heartache: Teenage Love

by Lopithecus



Series: Heartache [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self Harm, Strong Language, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 114,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1217077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/pseuds/Lopithecus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is a depressed teenager who can't catch a break, but when Dean starts to realize his feelings, will Castiel be saved? Warnings inside!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Intense Language, depression, self harm, suicide attempt, abuse, m/m, bullying against homosexuals (I want to clarify something. The bullying is only for the story. I am in no shape or form homophobic. I have nothing against homosexuals at all. I’m very sorry if I offend you in anyway because of this but you have been warned.), graphic sex, rated M mostly for language, suicide attempts, and sex scene but also refers to the other given warnings, more warnings may come as the story progresses. You have been warned so if you don’t like anything that was said in the warnings then just don’t read instead of lashing out at me. Thank you. This story is very sad.
> 
> Originally Posted on Fanfiction.net from: Nov 1, 2011 - Apr 28, 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or its characters.

**Chapter 1:**

I sit on the bleachers day dreaming as I pretend to watch the football game in the now sprinkling rain when it was pouring just a few hours ago. It is about 57° outside. I’m in a dark gray sweat shirt trying to keep warm. Over all, I probably look completely miserable.

 

“Hey Cas!” A familiar voice calls coming up to me and putting his arm around me. “You should smile more.”

 

I look around to see Dean, my best friend since preschool. Dean is, of course, on the football team and is the star quarterback. “Maybe you should join football.” He says to me.

 

“I’d rather not break any of my limbs, Dean.” I say as I look down at his broken left arm that’s in a white cast with signatures all over it. I notice that my signature is now covered with many others, mostly girls’, and I frown. He smiles and begins to sit only to stand back up when he hears someone say his name.

 

Lisa walks up to Dean, hugs and kisses him, then they both sit down. I roll my eyes at the sight. “Hey Castiel.” She says to me, huddling up to Dean. “Dean, can we go? The game is boring when you’re not playing.”

 

“Okay. Cas you coming?” Dean asks, turning to me.

 

“No I think I’ll just go home.” I say as all three of us get up.

 

“Cas probably thinks the game is boring even with me playing. I just normally drag him along.” Dean jokes.

 

I fake a smile and say, “Ha, damn right!” Dean smiles and says good bye, walking away with Lisa holding hands. In all honesty I like watching Dean play in a football game or even practice. I always loved and found watching Dean fascinating with him running around the field even though I can’t even understand what is going on because I know nothing about football. Watching him always seemed to make me, how should I put this, horny?

 

The walk home was uneventful except for the fact that I was soaked to the bone by the rain because it started getting heavy again. Walking home from the football field at school is about an hour minimum. As I walk I call my mom to tell her not to pick me up because she was going to after work and the game. She wasn’t happy about me walking in the rain but I don’t care, she hasn’t been happy with most of the things I do since dad and brother Gabriel died four years ago in a car accident anyways.

 

I roll my eyes as I hang up the phone and put it in my pocket and walk slower, not really wanting to go home right away. Unfortunately I manage to eventually get home. To my surprise mom is home. She isn’t due to be home for another half hour.

 

I walk in slow, different scenarios playing in my head of what she may do to me. What kind of a beating I would get for “ _defying_ ” her.

 

“Castiel!” I hear my mom call for me from the living room once I close the front door. I can tell she is already drunk, probably from two or three beers.

 

“Yeah?” I hesitantly ask and slowly walk in to the living room where my mom was at.

 

“What the fuck were you thinking? I thought we agreed that I would pick your fucking ass up!” She yells trying not to slur her words.

 

“Yeah, well, I left the game early.” I say back trying not to make eye contact.

 

“You little fucker, you should have stayed at the… the…” She pauses trying to remember the word.

 

“Football game.” I decide to finish for her which displeases her.

 

Fortunately for me she is not drunk enough to start hitting me, only call me names. “You worthless piece of shit! Why don’t you ever listen to me! You little fucker!”

 

I’m tired of listening to her so I say, “Yes mom, that’s what I am. I’m going up stairs now okay? Drink some coffee to sober you up.” And go upstairs.

 

I go to my bed and lay down. I contemplate whether to call Dean or not but then decide not to. He would be out somewhere fucking Lisa anyways. I frown at the thought.

 

It’s funny though, I know I’m gay and can never tell my mom but I haven’t even told Dean yet and I’ve known him practically my whole life. I should have told him when he tried to set me up with some girl named Chastity but I couldn’t bring myself to when he asked what happened when the girl screamed and ran away from me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I told that Chastity girl that I was gay and that she was wasting her time on me. What a fool I am or should I say what a " _worthless piece of shit_ ” I am.

 

A tear escapes my right eye and I wipe it away. I close my eyes and try to go to sleep like I always do only to never get any. As my breathing slows I wish tomorrow would never come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on Fanfiction.net under the same username. This was my very first fanfiction ever. Updates will be whenever I have the time to copy over what I typed from the word document. Since I'm used to ff.net's rating system, as this story goes on, let me know if I should raise the rating to explicit. Thanks. Hope you enjoy. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets sadder starting around here just to warn you.

**Chapter 2:**

 

I woke to the sun shining in my room onto my face. I turn and look at the digital clock with orange numbers. The time reads 6:35AM. Shit! I have five minutes to get to my bus station! Why didn’t mom wake me up?

 

… Wait, that’s right, she’ll never do that. Not anymore.

 

Getting dressed and going down stairs I smell the aroma of alcohol and see five bottles of beer on the island in the kitchen. I walk outside and quickly to my bus stop.

 

My bus pulls up to the stop at 6:40AM and I get on. Like always either all the seats are taken or the ones that aren’t has someone sitting in them and they won’t let me sit with them. So instead of sitting down I go to the back of the bus and stand as the driver drives to school. This doesn’t bother me one bit though because it’s not like once we get to school everyone pushes their way by me to get off the bus. Oh wait, they do.

 

I get off the bus and there stands Dean and Lisa, the super couple. Gag or at least that’s how I feel every time I see them. “Hey Dean, um, Lisa.”

 

“Hey Cas.” Lisa says.

 

“Don’t call me that.” I say flat toned and she gives me an annoyed look.

 

Dean pipes in. “Cas only lets me call him that.” He explains kissing Lisa on the forehead.

 

All of a sudden I feel like crying. “Um, I have to go to the bathroom before school starts. I’ll see you later in class Dean.”

 

Dean looks at me concerned. “Is everything alright?”

 

I try to put on my best _“I’m fine_ ” mask. “Yeah everything is fine; I just need to use the bathroom.” And with that I walk away.

 

No one is in the bathroom as I walked in and into one of the blue stalls. As soon as I sit on the toilet the water works start. I really don’t exactly know why I’m crying. Because of Dean, because of my mom, because of Gabe and Dad, school … life in general.

 

I hear the bathroom door open and I try to quiet my sobs. “Cas, you okay?” I hear Dean ask outside my stall. I start crying again. “What’s wrong?” I hear the concern in his voice.

 

I wipe my face on my sleeve and open the door hoping my eyes aren’t puffy and red.

 

They were. “Cas, why are you crying?”

 

“I’m not. Something’s in my eye.” I say.

 

Dean isn’t convinced. “Don’t lie to me Cas! You know I know when you’re lying!”

“I’m fine Dean! I don’t want to talk about it!” The bell rings to go to first block. “I got to get to class.”

 

I start walking away when Dean says, “You tell me everything, why not now?” I just keep walking, ignoring the hurt in his voice.

 

..................................................................

 

First period is public speaking, my worst subject. I sigh. At least it’s Friday. Luckily, I’m pretty unpopular so no one notices my red, puffy eyes.

 

I look at the clock. It reads 7:35; we’ve only been in class for ten minutes.

 

“Castiel, do you think the clock will go faster the longer you stare at it?” The teacher asks.

 

“No ma’am.” I say quietly. I hear laughing. I know they’re laughing at my name. It’s not my fault that I was named with an uncommon name.

 

“You know, I never understood how someone’s parent could be as cruel as to name their own child a gay name like Castiel.” I hear someone say.

 

“Quiet down you two.” The teacher scolds.

 

At 8:48 the bell rings to go to homeroom which isn’t any better than first block when it comes to people liking me. After six minutes of homeroom we’re off to second block, algebra 2A, which I have with Dean.

 

_Yay._ I think sarcastically.

 

As soon as I enter the room and sit in my regular seat next to Dean he asks, “Cas, what the hell! What’s wrong with you?”

 

I sigh. “Nothing.”

 

“Bull shit!” He says immediately.

 

I’m getting annoyed and angry and say a little harsher than intended, “It’s none of your business!”

 

“Fine, be that way.” I can hear the hurt in his voice but choose to ignore it, feeling like I’m going to cry again. Then Dean says, “I just hope you can eventually tell me, since I’m your best friend and I care about you.”

 

_Not the way I want you too._ I think as I feel my eyes start to water with tears. I’m sure Dean noticed the tears but said nothing.

 

The bell finally rings to go to third block at 10:35. If I thought my second block class was bad because of Dean being in it, what about third block with Dean AND Lisa in my class? What torture!

 

Dean and I walk to class, 20th century American History, together in silence, to be greeted by Lisa at the classroom door.

 

All of a sudden I feel like throwing up.

 

“Maybe you can cheer Cas up.” Dean says to Lisa. Like her, of all people, could cheer me up.

 

She plays dumb. “What do you mean? What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” I say sitting down at my desk.

 

“He was crying earlier and he won’t tell me what’s wrong.” Dean tells Lisa.

 

Anger flashes in me. “Stop it Dean! It’s not yours or Lisa’s business why the fuck I cried earlier so leave me the hell alone!” I practically yell at him and walk out of the classroom. I know the consequences for skipping class but I don’t care.

 

I walk aimlessly, so angry tears are streaming down my cheeks. “Cas!” I hear behind me but keep walking. “Cas, stop for a moment! Tell me what the hell is wrong with you!” Dean grabs my arm and turns me around. Shock fills his face expression as he sees the tears glistening on my cheeks. He reaches up and wipes the tears away.

 

I melt. “Don’t touch me.” I say pathetically.

 

“Why?” He asks letting go.

 

“Because.” I say.

 

“Because why?” He asks.

 

“Just because.” I try to walk away.

 

He grabs my arm to stop me. “Why won’t you tell me? Just tell me so I can help because I don’t like seeing you sad.”

 

My wall is breaking. “It’s because it is you.”

 

“What about me make it so you can’t tell me?” Confusion on his face.

 

Looking down at the floor I say, “You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Try me.” He plainly says.

 

I look him straight in the eyes. I don’t know what to do. I’m so desperate to get away from this situation. I feel my panic rising and I’m starting to breathe hard. Sweat coating my body. Is this a panic attack?

 

Then I blurt out without thinking, “I love you, okay!” and turn on my heels, rushing away before Dean could respond, if he wasn’t to shocked to respond in the first place.

 

I feel like I’m dying. My chest hurts; I’m breathing hard, sweating to death, and crying like a fucking baby. I stay in the bathroom for the rest of third block and lunch.

 

Deciding not to get into anymore trouble, I go to my fourth block class, chemistry, the last block of the day. Finally!

 

Luckily Dean or Lisa isn’t in this class with me. Not so luckily, during the block I got called down to my house office.

 

“Castiel Novak? Why did you skip third block?” The secretary asks me.

 

I just shrug. “You get a Saturday detention for tomorrow and a phone call home.” I stare at her blankly, not really caring.

 

… _Wait; did she just say a phone call home? Oh God! I’m dead!_ I think as panic begins to rise again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Abuse and self harm is in this chapter. Don’t read it if you don’t want to but it’s kind of crucial to the story line.

**Chapter 3:**

 

I dread getting on the bus to go home at 2:02PM. I feel like I’m running a fever, I’m so nervous.

 

The bus pulls up to my stop and I get off. I rush to the front door and open it quickly, knowing my mom will be waiting for me. Friday is the worst day to get a phone call home because my mom doesn’t work on Friday which means the beating comes sooner.

 

As the door swings open and I walk in, I see from the corner of my eye Mom getting up from the dull red chair. I rush upstairs as fast as I can, my mom now on my heels.

 

“Castiel! Don’t you run away from me! If you think you can get away with skipping class and getting a Saturday detention you better think again! Get your ass back here!” She yells from behind me.

 

I get to my room and try to shut the door only to have my mom stop me.

 

She pushes me down on the bed. “This is your punishment.” She punches me in the chin and keeps hitting me. I could have stopped her if I wanted, after all I’m bigger and stronger than her but she’s my mom and no matter what I would never be able to hurt her no matter what she did to me. Besides if I hit her back I wouldn’t be any better than her.

 

The punches start to stop and Mom walks out of my bedroom, tears falling down my cheeks.

 

Jeez, I’ve cried way too much today.

 

......................................................

 

Saturday detention at 7:00AM what joy!

 

I enter the school and the classroom that holds the detentions. As expected Dean was there. It’s no surprise because he practically skipped class too and since he has a Saturday detention also, I’m guessing he skipped the whole block.

 

I sit across the room from him, making sure not to make eye contact. Dean ignores me too.

 

At 8:30AM the teacher tells us that it is time to go. I get up and leave the classroom to be stopped in the halls.

 

“Cas, can we talk?” Dean asks from behind me.

 

I stop and turn around. “No.”

 

He looks hurt. “So what, we aren’t friends anymore?”

 

I stare at him and eventually say, “Dean, yesterday I told you that I love you.”

 

“So your gay, so what. I’m fine with it.” He says.

 

Disbelief enters my gaze. “Yeah but the person I’m _in love_ with is _you_.” I say with more emphasis.

 

“I get that Cas but I don’t want that to get in the way of our friendship. I mean, you know I’m not gay and will never be with you but that shouldn’t stop our friendship. I’m sure you’ll eventually get over me and move on.” He says sounding kind of desperate.

 

I feel a pang in my heart. “Yeah.” I say trying to control and hide my emotions.

 

Dean seems to not notice my hurt and continues. “Friends?”

 

“Friends.” I say simply trying to sound like I mean it. We both walk out of the school together, me with a heavy heart and Dean acting as if nothing happened except for the fact that he stands further away from me and doesn’t touch me anymore.

 

When we get outside he stops me. “Hey Cas, this has been bothering me all morning. How’d you get that bruise? Is your mom still hitting you?”

 

“Um… well…” I begin but then cave. “Yeah.”

 

Dean looks at me in disbelief. “Cas, you need to report her. You can’t just keep putting up with her hitting you.”

 

“And be without a mom just like I’m without Dad and Gabe? I don’t think so.” I say continuing to walk.

 

“You’ll have me.” He puts in walking with me.

 

“Yeah but I love you Dean! I don’t ‘ _have_ ’ you.” I mention and then Dean stays quiet.

 

After about twenty minutes of walking together Dean asks me, “You want to hang out tomorrow?”

 

I answer with, “I’d love to but I’m grounded because of all this so I can’t. In fact I need to go home now, unless you want to see one more bruise on this face.”

 

He looks at me with sad eyes. “Okay. See you Monday.” He eventually says and walks away.

 

“See ya.” I mumble under my breath.

 

When I get home Mom isn’t there. I enter the house and the heaviness that I always feel weighs down on me.

 

I drag myself up to my room, not wanting to do anything. I lay there on my bed gathering my thoughts. I know things between Dean and I will never be the same. He proved that today by how he was acting.

 

_Damn it! Why’d I have to go and tell him how I feel?_ I think, staring up at my white ceiling. I get up and go down to the computer in the office on the first floor. I turn it on and look at my e-mails. There’s one new one.

 

I open it to see that it’s from Lisa. I don’t feel like reading her rant about Dean so I close her message and click on the “New” button to start a new e-mail. I type a “D” into the send section and click on Dean’s name.

 

I write: “Hey, I’m really glad you’re not freaked by my confession of loving you. Glad we’re still friends. Thanks, Castiel”. I hit send, then go back up to my room to wait for tomorrow.

 

...................................................................

 

Sunday, a day I like but also a day I dislike. I like Sunday because it’s still a day off from school but dislike it because we have school the next day.

 

I wake up to the beep of my cell phone informing me that I have a text message. I get up out of bed and walk to my phone that’s on my desk.

 

I pick it up and read: “Cas, got ur email. I’m glad”. I smile and get dress. I go down stairs and pour myself a bowl of _Angel Crisp_. They’re my favorite cereal.

 

Mom is still sleeping, most likely trying to sleep off a hangover.

 

I sit and eat my cereal. Once done I go back upstairs to my room. I pull out the hidden box under my bed and open it to take out a glass angel.

 

I still remember when Gabriel gave it to me for my birthday. I was turning eight while he was twelve. Mom and Dad were happy then too, I remember.

 

I remember being excited about opening Gabe’s gift the most. I sat there waiting as Dad tried to get the camera fixed.

 

“Dad, please hurry!” I said in my squeaky, eight year old voice.

 

“Haha.” He deeply laughed. “Hold on little guy.”

 

He finally gets the camera fixed and I tore into the white wrapping paper and opened the box more carefully when Gabe warned me to be careful. I took out the angel. “I love it Gabey! Thank you!” I said as I ran up to him to hug him tightly.

 

I snap out of the memory when I feel a tear slide down my right cheek.

 

I place the angel back in its box gingerly and walk to the bathroom. I grab my razor and pull my left sleeve up revealing scars from the past. I take the razor and start to cut my arm, feeling the pain as the blood pools up and drips down my arm. It hurts but not as bad as the other pain. This pain is physical, far better than the emotional pain I feel. I love the feeling the razor gives me as it cuts through the skin to the blood vessels. I love the feeling of the blood pooling out of the wound and sliding along my arm to drip off it in the end. It’s like pure pleasure, pure ecstasy.

 

I haven’t done this in three weeks and I was proud of myself but I can’t take the pain anymore. I’d rather feel the pain the razor gives than feel the pain from my pathetic life.

 

I grab a white towel and wrap it around my arm, trying to stop the bleeding. I wash the razor clean of blood and walk back to my room, arm still wrapped up. I take the towel off and throw it in the trash bucket in my room knowing that it’ll be stained with red liquid. The rest of the day I sleep, wishing to escape the world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: More self harm but also has a suicide attempt. Please take caution when reading. Again you don’t have to read if you don’t want to but this is very crucial to where the story is headed.

**Chapter 4:**

 

I wake up early Monday morning and drag myself out of bed. I go to the bathroom, undress and get into the shower. As the water drips down my body I look at my left arm. The cut from yesterday is there along with the other scars. They’re the reason why I wear long sleeve shirts, even in the summer, at school. Luckily it is already fall so long sleeves are expected. Dean, of course, already knows about my cutting problem He’s the one that got me to stop for three weeks.

 

I finish washing myself and exit the shower, towel wrapped around my waist. I get to my bedroom and put on a pair of dark blue jeans with a black t-shirt. I pull a black sweat shirt over the top of my t-shirt and go downstairs, deciding to finally read Lisa’s e-mail.

 

I get to the computer and turn it on. I think about just deleting her e-mail but then I decide not too just in case she asks me about it.

 

I open her e-mail and read. “Castiel, this is Lisa, obviously. I’m e-mailing you to tell you that I know your dirty little secret of you being gay and loving Dean. So unless you want the whole school to know, I suggest staying away from Dean. Got it? Thanks for understanding. Lisa.”

 

My heart starts to race and I feel sick to my stomach. I run to the bathroom, shut the door, lock it, and start throwing up in the toilet.

 

“Honey, you okay?” Mom asks me from outside the door.

 

_Yeah, like you fucking care_. I think as I throw up again. I sit there next to the toilet for minutes, every once in a while throwing up. After confirming that I won’t throw up again, I get up and walk out of the bathroom. Mom has already gone to work. I think about not going to school because of the throwing up but I know the only reason for that was from the anxiety. Besides, it’s too late to have Mom call the school.

 

I gather my stuff and walk to my bus stop. As the bus pulls up to the school I see Dean and Lisa where they normally wait for me. Lisa gives me a dirty look and Dean just smiles at me. I look at both of them with a straight face.

 

_Great, how am I supposed to avoid Dean?_ I think to myself as I get off the bus.

 

“Hey Cas.” Dean says as I walk up.

 

“Hello Castiel” Lisa says with an obvious to me but not to Dean, tone.

 

I turn to both of them. “Hey.”

 

Dean looks at me. “You okay? You don’t look so good.”

 

“I’m fine, thanks.” I say. I start to walk to class. I notice a lot of people are staring at me and whispering amongst their friends. I wonder why but try not to pay any attention to them. I get to class and notice the teacher isn’t there yet. I start to go to my desk but get stopped by someone standing in my way.

 

“Hey _gay_ Castiel how’s your boyfriend today?” The guy in front of me mocks.

 

I feel another wave of nausea rush over me. I try to swallow it down. “What?”

 

“The whole school knows you’re gay, idiot. You know how gross that is?” He says.

 

Anger, along with intense nausea, rushes to me. “No, actually I don’t know how gross it is.” I say standing up straight and looking the guy in the eyes.

 

He pushes me backwards. “Don’t get so close to me gay boy! Lisa told us how you love Dean Winchester and half the boys in the school, you slut!”

 

The nausea then decides to take over. I run out of the classroom, vision blurry from tears, to the bathroom with my hands over my mouth. I quickly get into a stall and lock it. Then I begin to throw up just like I did this morning.

 

_I don’t get it, why’d she tell the school anyways? I didn’t have contact with Dean all weekend except for the unavoidable encounters._ I sit there on the floor crying as quietly as possible, every once in a while throwing up.

 

First block goes by then second, third, and finally fourth. All four blocks I stay in the bathroom bawling my eyes out and every once in a while throwing up, which amazes me because I hadn’t had anything to eat all day. I was mostly throwing up stomach acid.

 

Once the bell rang for fourth block to end I get up and run out of the bathroom. I hear them call my name over the PA for me to go to the office but I ignore it and run out of the school crying, fully aware of the disgusted stares.

 

I run past my bus and start running down the sidewalk. I can barely see where I’m going because of all the tears in my eyes and running down my cheeks like a river. I get home about forty minutes later.

 

Opening the door, the first thing I hear is my mom. “You’re gay!?”

 

“What? H-how do you know?” I ask shocked.

 

She slaps me across my cheek. “I saw the e-mail that Lisa sent you! I can’t believe the only surviving son of mine is fucking gay! You’re the one who should have died in that car accident not Gabriel! I can’t believe this!” She screams.

 

The pain in my chest is hurting more and more and I feel like I’m falling into an endless, black whole. “You don’t mean that.” I say, pleading.

 

She comes back with, “Yes I do. You’re a disappointment to me. You’re a pathetic loser.” She turns away from me and goes back into the living room.

 

Feeling like I’m going to burst, I run up stairs and into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door after me. I take out the razor and position it to cut into my left arm when I’m interrupted by a beep from my phone.

 

 I make the first cut on my left arm then take out my phone and read the text from Dean. “Hey, I’m coming over. Heard what Lisa did. You okay?” I place my phone on the sink and cut into my right arm.

 

I let the blood flow for a few minutes but it’s not working the way it normally does. I’m still crying heavily and the words from Lisa, Mom, that guy who stopped me from sitting at my desk, all the stares, keep playing in my mind over and over again.

 

_I can’t take this anymore_. I think desperately. I pick up my phone and hit reply from the text Dean sent me. I type. “You’re right. Maybe I will get over you. Bye Dean.”

 

I open the drug cabinet over the sink. I pull out Mom’s antidepressant pills. _The stupid bitch. She’s depressed herself and can’t even tell her kid is the same way_. I think as I open the bottle. I pour out ten pills into my hand and my phone goes off again.

 

I read it as I fill up a cup with tap water. “What do you mean ‘Bye Dean’? What are you going to do? Wait for me Cas! Don’t do something stupid! I’m driving to your house now and almost there. Okay?”

 

I put two pills into my mouth and drink the water to get them down. I do this four more times and all the pills are gone. I climb into the bathtub and lay down, getting comfortable and extremely calm. Five minutes later I already feel the effects of so many pills. I get light headed and my vision blurs. I hear someone knock on the front door. I hear my mom open it and Dean’s frantic voice ask my mom where I am. I hear both sets of feet run up the stairs and go to my bedroom. Then they run to the bathroom.

 

Once they’re there I hear the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard. “Cas, you in there! Open the door! What’s going on? What are you doing? Please open the door, Cas! Let me help! Cas! Cas!” He’s banging on the door as he yells frantically into the bathroom. Then he asks my mom if she has a paper clip to pick the lock with. I hear my mom shuffle away then shuffle back. I wonder if she’s even remotely concerned. I wonder if she’ll even miss me.

 

Tears slide down my cheeks again as the noise of Dean picking the lock engulfs me as my vision begins to go dark.

 

The last thing I see is the door swinging open with force and Dean’s face before my vision goes completely black and I close my eyes from not being able to see. The last thing I hear after my vision goes black is Dean’s voice saying, “Cas!? Shit! Call 911!” and Mom’s loud gasp. Then Dean says, “Cas, why’d you do this?” I can tell he’s crying. I feel him lift my head and hug it close to his chest and I hear his sobs.

 

“D-Dean.” I mumble.

 

He hugs me closer and tighter and starts stoking my hair, still crying. “Shh. I’ll protect you. Don’t worry Cas, I’ll always protect you. Shh.” Then I fully pass out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicide attempt in chapter. Please take caution when reading. Again you don’t have to read if you don’t want to but, again, this is very crucial to where the story is headed. Also the “Voice” in Cas’ head will have a * so you know it’s a “voice” in his head and sort of not the same as a thought even though it is his thoughts (He is not schizophrenic. The voice is more like an inner thought/deeper thought)

**Chapter 5:**

 

I wake up in a hospital bed in a small, white room. My arms are bandaged and there’s a breathing tube hooked up to me, the ones with the two prongs that go in your nostrils. I also have an IV drip in my arm.

 

I sit up a little and see Dean in a chair next to my bed, his head in my lap, asleep. Of course, Mom isn’t there.

 

I must have moved my legs a little because Dean wakes up and sits up to look at me. “Cas, you’re awake. I’ll go get the doctor.” He leaves for a moment and comes back with a guy in a doctor uniform.

 

“Hello Castiel, glad to see you awake. Do you remember what happened before you passed out?” The doctor, whose name tag said ‘Zachariah’, asks me.

 

I nod and Zach continues. “Good. Now I’ll tell you what happened once you got here. We weren’t sure right away whether you tried to kill yourself by cutting your wrist or not. Thankfully Dean here noticed the bottle of antidepressant pills on the sink. So we pumped your stomach, that’s why it hurts now, and gave you a slight sedative to keep you asleep just a little longer. We stopped the bleeding to your wrist too. Do you understand?”

       

I nod. He continues still. “Okay. Now I just have a few questions to ask of you. When did you start cutting yourself?”

 

I think for a few seconds then answer. “I’m not sure. It was so long ago.”

 

He jots it down on his pad of paper. “I see. And why did you want to kill yourself?”

 

This answer is easy. “Because I felt like I was drifting down this eternally black pit that I could never get out of.”

 

He continues to write. “Okay. Now, those antidepressant pills, are they yours?”

 

“No, they’re my mom’s.” I answer.

 

“Did your mom know you were depressed?” He asks next.

 

I laugh slightly. “Yeah right. The bitch was too drunk to see that her son was depressed just like she is.”

 

Jot, jot, jot. “How often does your mom drink?”

 

“Every night. Sometimes even in the afternoon, depending on if she has the day off or not.” I say.

 

“And hits you?” He asks abruptly.

 

I look up at him. “What?”

 

He clarifies. “How often does your mom hit you?”

 

I don’t know how to answer this. “Um… well… almost every time she’s mad and drunk I guess.”

 

“Which is almost constantly?” He asks, not looking up from his pad.

 

“Yeah, I suppose so.” I start getting annoyed.

 

Thankfully he says that’s it for now and that he’ll come check on me in a few minutes. I turn to Dean and ask, “Where’s my mom?”

 

He looks down at the floor. “She…um…didn’t want to stay. She was really pissed.”

 

Sadness weighs down on me and I whisper loud enough for Dean to hear, “Of course.”

 

A couple minutes pass in silence when Dean breaks it. “Why Cas?” I look up to see tears in his eyes. “Why? Why would you do this… and you’re cutting yourself again? Why? I thought you stopped.” He reaches up to his face to wipe the tears away only to have them replaced by other ones. “I don’t like to see you hurting yourself.”

 

“I already told the doctor why. Weren’t you listening?” I ask him.

 

“Of course I was but I don’t get it. Why did you feel like you were in this big, black hole that you couldn’t escape or climb out of? Why’d you have to make yourself bleed to get away? Why couldn’t you just have talked to me instead of trying to die?” He looks at me trying not to cry.

 

I break down and start crying. “Because Dean! I lose my dad and my big brother in a car accident, my mom is a drunk and an abusive parent, I fall in love with you who I can never have, I have to watch you and Lisa be all _lovey dovey_ to each other, I tell you that I’m gay and in love with you, you treat me different because of it, Lisa finds out and tells the whole damn school.” I try to stop crying. “I get starred at and mocked and bullied because I’m gay and apparently being gay makes me a slut, my mom finds out that I’m gay and tells me I should have died instead of Gabe, and now my mom doesn’t want anything to do with me even after she almost loses her second son to suicide!” I rant on and on. “Why else do you think I feel this way Dean!?” I say crying like a baby.

 

Dean walks up to me, sits on the edge of the bed, and pulls me into a hug. He whispers in my ear, “Shh. I’m sorry, It’s ok.” And just lets me cry on his shoulder.

 

.......................................................

 

I stop crying just as Zach comes back into my room. “You okay?” Zach asks as I wipe the tears away and Dean lets go of me to sit back in his chair.

 

“I’m fine.” I say.

 

The doctor continues. “We’ve called your mom in to discuss something. I would like you, Dean, to be here for the discussion also, if that’s okay?” He turns to Dean.

 

“Yeah but what does it have to do with me?” He asks.

 

“I’ll tell you later. I’ll come back before your mom shows because she won’t be here for an hour.” He walks out of the room, still holding his pad of paper.

 

I look at the clock and see it says 10:30. I quickly look at Dean. “Dean, school?”

 

He looks at me with care. “Don’t worry about it. Missing one day won’t be so bad. Besides my dad already called the school and told them what happened.” He says but then quickly adds after seeing the concern on my face, “Don’t worry though, I don’t think the teachers are allowed to tell anybody.”

 

I don’t want to ask but I do anyway. “What about Lisa?”

 

He looks away and then back at me. “Forget about her. Right now there’s only you.”

 

I know that should have made me feel better but for some reason it doesn’t. “I’m sorry Dean.” I all of sudden come out with, curling up my legs to my chest.

 

“For what?” He asks me, confused.

 

I rest my head on my knees. “For loving you.”

 

Dean must have seen the pain in my eyes because he gets up out of his chair, sits on the bed, and pulls me into a hug like he did when I was crying saying, “Don’t be sorry Cas. You can’t control who you fall in love with.”

 

Hugging him back I say, “Yeah.” and nuzzle my face into his neck, drinking in his scent. The next thing I do is uncontrollable.

 

I start kissing his neck, drowning in his embrace, drunk off his smell.

 

“Cas.” I faintly hear Dean say, though not from pleasure but surprise.

 

I continue up to his chin, kissing delicately, tears pooling in my eyes from wanting him so desperately.

 

“Cas, stop.” Dean says but still doesn’t physically stop me.

 

I don’t know what has come over me. I can’t stop and I end up moving to his lips, feeling as if I’m going to break into a million pieces by the intense pain and sadness that I feel. His lips are soft and warm, and I extremely like the feeling despite the pain and sadness. It was exhilarating.

 

Then the feeling is suddenly cut off as Dean pushes me away. “Cas, what the hell!?” He stumbles backwards and trips over the chair. Then he runs out of the room.

 

I break.

 

I pull the IV drip needle out of my arm and take out the oxygen. I get up from the bed, bawling like a baby, pacing the floor. I felt as if I was falling down that pit but Dean grabbed me and saved me from falling, but I was still hanging there, just not falling. Then all of a sudden Dean lets go and I plummet into the darkness.

 

Little hiccups are coming from me and surprised the doctors don’t hear.

 

* _Die_!* I hear in my head. “Shut up. Shut up, please.” I beg the voice, bringing my hands up to my head and pulling my hair. I lean against the wall next to the window, still crying. I glance outside and notice that my room is on the fourth floor. Then a thought hits me.

 

I open the window. I feel the soft, cool, autumn breeze as I stick one foot out then the other now sitting on the window sill. * _Do it! Die!_ * The voice keeps talking.

 

I get ready to let go of the window and fall to my death. I think about when I’ll hit the ground, blood pooling around me. I wonder if anybody will even notice my body there. I wonder if anybody will miss me. _Dad and Gabe didn’t care about me because they were willing to leave me, Mom certainty doesn’t care about me, and now I’ve fucked things up with Dean so he doesn’t care about me_. I think and come to the conclusion that no one will miss me.

 

I’m about to let go and let gravity take its course when the doctor comes in. “Castiel!? What are you doing?”

 

I ignore him as I sit there crying. * _Why haven’t you let go yet? Do it you worthless piece of shit! You pathetic loser_!* It’s the voice again.

 

I hear Zach tell a nurse to go get Dean, that he saw him enter the bathroom. He then tries his best to stall me. “Castiel, get out of the window. Let’s talk, okay?”

 

Again I ignore him. “Castiel listen to me-“ He’s cut off when Dean enters.

 

“Cas! What the hell are you doing!?” I close my eyes and tilt my head down, crying and hiccupping. “Please stop Cas. It’s not worth it.” I hear him take a step towards me.

 

* _Do it! You idiot what are you waiting for! No one wants you! Your mom wants you dead so do it! Die! Die! DIE_!* I let go.

 

I feel myself fall forward but then someone grabs my arm catching me. I hit the side of the building with a hard thump and I think I hear a crack. I look up to see Dean holding onto me with all his strength. I yell up to him. “Let me go! You bastard! Let me go and die! Let me die already you bastard!”

 

“No!” He yells in response. Zach comes over and helps Dean pull me up. Once I’m through the window I get violent. I lunge at Dean, hitting him with all my strength.

 

Zach pulls me off Dean and holds me away from him by the arms as I struggle and yell as I cry, “Let me go! Why didn’t you let me die you bastard!? Let me die! Please! Please, let me die!” I feel a pinch as a nurse sticks a needle in my arm.

 

I continue to struggle and scream. I start to feel the effect of the sedative in a mere few seconds. Before I fully pass out I say, “I just want to die.” and pass out from the strong sedative, seeing tears in Dean’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the suicide attempt is kind of weird and everything (I mean trying to kill yourself by jumping out of a hospital window) but I couldn’t think of what he could do in a hospital that was a danger to his life. Also Cas tries to kill himself again because I wanted to show how much of an impact Dean has on him. How much Cas relies on Dean.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I’m making his mom a real bitch. I kind of wanted her out of the way so what happens with her in this chapter is because of that reason (and of course one more thing Castiel needs to be comforted about ;) ). I don’t know how realistic the situation is but I kind of just wanted to get rid of her quickly.

**Chapter 6:**

 

I start waking up but don’t open my eyes, hearing talking.

 

“It’s obvious that Castiel has major depression issues that we like to call Chronic Depression which is a subcategory to Major Depressive Disorder. I’m very concerned that he tried to kill himself twice in a row in only a few hours. I wonder what triggered it this time. Was it the fact that he was left alone?” Zach says.

 

“I think I know.” Dean says, not hiding the guilt in his voice. “I think I caused it. He started kissing me and I kind of freaked out on him. Damn it! I’m such an idiot.”

 

Zach comforts Dean. “Don’t beat yourself up Dean. You couldn’t have known. Because of this event, however, I have changed my plans for Castiel. I’ll tell you both of them once his mom gets here, which should be soon.”

 

That’s when I decide to let them know I’m awake. I try to move but can’t.

 

“Cas?” I hear Dean say as I open my eyes. I look down at my wrists and ankles to see they are bound to the bed by restraints. I also notice that my left arm is in a pale white cast, most likely from breaking my bone from hitting the side of the building.

 

“It’s for your own safety, Castiel.” Zach informs me.

 

Dean looks at me concerned but I avoid eye contact. “Cas, you okay?”

 

Without thinking I lash back by saying, “Like you care!”

 

He looks hurt from my words. “Of course I do Cas. How can you say that after all these years?”

 

I still don’t look at him. I wanted to go back to sleep, where the pain is gone.

 

Then my day gets even worse, if that’s possible. My mom walks into the room, obviously drunk. “Okay doc, let’s get this over with.”

 

Anger is rising in me as I look at her and listen to her. * _She wants you dead, Castiel. Why don’t you listen to her and die already. You shouldn’t be alive._ * the voice inside my head says.

 

I’m sure I’m shooting her death glares but no one pays attention. Instead Zach starts explaining for _his plans for me_. “Ah good, Miss Novak, you’re here.”

 

Mom looks bored. ‘Why’s my kid restrained to the bed?”

 

_Don’t tell her, please. Don’t tell her._ I think as Zach tells her. “He tried to jump out of the window.”

 

My mom looks shocked. “He tried to off himself again?”

 

Zach nods. “I would like to discuss something with you about Castiel’s future after we release him.”

 

Mom pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket book and hands it to the doctor while saying, “Here’s part of his future.”

 

Zach unfolds the paper and reads it. He looks shocked, looks at me, then back to Mom. “But…”

 

Dean pulls the paper out of Zach’s hands and reads it while Zach searches for words. His jaw drops and looks at me. “You can’t just do this!” He yells at my mom.

“I can and I did.” She says calmly.

 

Dean unclips the restraints on my wrists and hands me the paper and I read it. In the background I hear my mom say to me, “I’m sorry Castiel.” And Dean snaps back at her with, “No you’re not!”

 

Two things stand out to me as I read. The first being the statement “I give up my right and custody to the seventeen year old teenager Castiel Novak” and second being my mom’s signature at the end of the paper.

 

That endless, black pit I’m falling in to… not so endless after all. I hit the bottom and I break into a million pieces. I feel numb and don’t even notice when my mom grabs the paper out of my hands. I hardly hear Dean say my name in concern. The only thing I notice is my mom walking out of the room without a second glance.

 

_What the hell just happened_? The thought keeps playing over and over again in my head.

 

I’m shook out of my daze by Dean. “Cas!”

 

“I think I’m going to be sick.” I say as I cover my mouth.

 

Realizing what is about to happen Zach unhooks my ankles and takes out the IV drip. I get out of the bed and run to the bathroom that is in the room. This time I don’t bother shutting the door. I throw up my guts into the toilet, the stomach acid burning my throat and making my eyes water.

 

Zach comes into the bathroom, kneels beside me, and pats my back as I continue to throw up.

 

“Dean, fill this cup with water and go to the nurse’s desk to get a wash cloth.” Zach orders Dean and he fallows them.

 

When Dean comes back I’m still hunched over the toilet feeling nauseous. “Is he going to be okay?” He asks concern obvious in his voice.

 

“Don’t worry; it’s just from the anxiety. Castiel did you throw up yesterday and if so how many times?” Zach tells Dean and then asks me.

 

“Twice, in the morning and when I got home from school. How’d you know?” I ask.

 

“I’m a doctor; I’m supposed to know this stuff.” He tells me. “Here, wipe your mouth off with this and drink this. It’ll help with the burning.” Zach hands me the wash cloth and the cup of water.

 

I say thank you and do as I’m told. As I drink the water however, I feel like throwing up again but manage to keep it down. “Do I have to be restrained to the bed? I promise I won’t do anything.”

 

Zach thinks for a few seconds. “Here are your two options; you are retrained to the bed or if it’s okay with Dean, he can stay with you until I can find someone to stay with you other than Dean.”

 

“It’s fine by me.” Dean says.

 

“Restrain me then.” I say quickly.

 

Dean looks sad. “Cas.”

 

I go to the bed and start hooking my ankles up. “I don’t want to be in the same room, alone with you Dean.”

 

“Why?” The hurt in his voice isn’t hidden. “Can’t we talk?”

 

Zach pipes up. “You don’t have to restrain yourself, Castiel. I’ll let Dean watch you.”

 

I roll my eyes and Zach ignores me. Dean gives him a _thank you_ look. “I’m going to go see what to do next because of this.” Zach holds the paper up and walks out of the room.

 

I unrestraint myself and walk to the window. “Cas.” I hear Dean’s warning.

 

“Don’t worry; I’m not going to jump out the window.” I bite back with, sarcastically.

 

“Don’t be a dick, Cas.” Dean says, angrily.

 

I start laughing uncontrollably, the voice ringing in my head. * _Yeah Castiel, that’s right. You’re a dick._ * “I’m a dick!? What about you?” I ask Dean still laughing.

 

“Come on Cas, stop it.” Dean says clearly annoyed.

 

I continue laughing just to piss him off for a few more seconds then abruptly stop. “You’re the dick, Dean.” I walk closer to him, so close I can feel his breath on my lips. “Not the one I want to see though.” I flirt with.

 

I expect Dean to move away but he doesn’t, by shock or by, to my hope, turned on and blushes.

 

“Are you crazy?” Dean breathes on me.

 

“Aren’t I? I did try to kill myself twice in a row.” I put in.

 

He backs away. “That’s not funny Cas.”

 

I chuckle. “You’re right, it’s not. It’s _more serious_ than that.” I say sarcastically.

 

“Come on Cas, you know it is.” He says, looking and sounding so serious. Then he looks away from me and says, “This is my entire fault. It’s my fault you don’t want to live anymore, that you feel like you have nothing to live for.”

 

“God, that is so typical of you Dean. Trying to take all the blame for yourself. If it’s anyone’s fault then it’s mine for being this way, for having an attraction to guys.”

 

“It’s not your fault Cas; it has to be mine because I’m the one who pushed you away.” Dean says desperately.

 

“Just forget about it Dean, it’s not your fault. I do, however, want to ask you something.” I say trying to slightly change the subject.

 

He still doesn’t look convinced but he agrees to move on from the subject anyway. “Shoot.”

 

“Tell me Dean, you don’t want to stand close to me anymore because you’re afraid I’m going to make you gay?” I ask out of nowhere.

 

“That’s…” Dean tries to find the right words. “Of course not. I haven’t been-“ I cut him off.

 

“Yes you have.” I simply put in.

 

“Okay maybe I have but it’s not because of that.” He sounds sort of desperate.

 

“Then what? Afraid people will think we’re dating?” I ask.

 

Dean looks annoyed. “Hell no, I don’t care what people think it’s just,… you love me.” He doesn’t make eye contact.

 

I’m surprised. “So?”

 

“So? Dude I’m not gay and its awkward knowing how you feel.” Still no eye contact.

 

“If you’re not gay, aren’t avoiding me because I’m gay, then prove it.” I say, mischief in my voice.

 

“How?” He asks.

 

I smirk. “Kiss me.”

 

Dean looks surprised. “What?”

 

I walk closer to him again. “One. Little. Kiss.”

 

“No.” He says plainly.

 

My smirk grows wider. “Come on Dean, what do you have to lose? You said yourself, you’re not gay and you’ll _never fall in love with me_. Didn’t you?”

 

“Now you’re being evil.” Dean says narrowing his eyes at me.

 

I play with him. “Am I or are you just scared you’ll like it?”

 

“You son of a bitch!” Dean grabs the back of my head and pulls me into such a heated kiss, that it feels real. Like Dean is enjoying it.

 

I try to push him further just to see how far I can go. I lick his lips asking permission to enter and to my surprise he allows me.

 

I walk him to the bed and sit down willing to be bottom, our tongues still dancing with each other.

 

That’s how far we get though because that’s where Dean ends it. “Happy now?” He asks not looking me in the eyes, face flush.

 

I push. “Did you like it?”

 

He looks at me with an unreadable expression. “Of course not, I’m not gay.” He walks out of the room saying he has to go to the bathroom and that the one in my room is only for me. Before he left however, he made me pinky promise I wouldn’t try anything, which he knows I never break pinky promises.

 

I lay down on the bed. I continue laying there when Dean comes back aware that he is staring at me in some kind of trance. As I get up he snaps out of it. “What?” I ask him.

 

“Nothing.” He responds.

 

We just stare at each other for a little longer until I say something. “Are we still friends Dean?”

 

“If we weren’t I wouldn’t have kissed you to prove a point.” He smiles.

 

“I’m sorry about that Dean and the earlier kiss. I shouldn’t have forced you.” I apologize looking down at the bed.

 

“It's okay, its fine, forget about it.” He says.

 

As he says the words “ _forget about it_ ” I feel a pang of hurt in my heart.

 

We stay quiet for a few seconds before I say something again. “Dean, why do you think my mom would do that? Why would she want to lose another son after what has happened to Gabriel and Dad?” Lying down on the bed again.

 

From the corner of my eye I see Dean hesitate then walk to the bed and lay down next to me. “I don’t know Cas, maybe because she’s a drunken bitch.”

 

I leave it at that, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Dean then says out of the blue, “Cas, when did you know you were… gay?”

 

“That’s a little sudden isn’t it?” I don’t hide the amusement in my voice. “Okay I’ll tell you.” I continue. “Probably forever. I mean I’ve never have had a crush on a girl.” I say. “But to be more specific I officially knew I was gay when I had my first crush, which surprisingly wasn’t you.”

 

Dean cuts me off. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me? Who was it?”

 

“It was some guy a few years ago named Jimmy. This was after Gabe and Dad got into the accident so I couldn’t talk about it with Gabe and I was too afraid you’d run away and tell the whole school. If that happened I’d be dead as you know it.” I say.

 

“Cas.” Dean says looking at me.

 

I chuckle. “I know, not funny.”

 

“I wouldn’t have run Cas. I would have supported you.” He says to me.

 

“Yeah well I didn’t know that then.” I feel a lump start to form in my chest but keep talking, hoping to be able to control it. “Anyways, I felt like I was alone, no one to talk to. I guess that’s when the depression started to get worse. I mean I knew I was depressed after the accident but I chose to ignore it. I thought it would go away but then I got the stupid crush and it rose. Then you saved me.”

 

“What?” Dean asks with confusion.

 

“Remember, those two guys were beating me up and calling me gay. You stopped them and told me not to worry about them calling me gay because I’m not.” I feel tears forming in my eyes.

 

“I did?” Dean seems surprised.

 

“That made it worse because I knew I was and hadn’t even told anybody and I was already getting made fun of for it. To make things worse, that’s when I fell in love with you.” I cover my eyes with my arm to hide the tears. “I want the *hiccup* pain to stop, *hiccup* Dean. I want the numbness and the sadness to go away, *hiccup* and the only way I know how to get away from it is by sleeping or just *hiccup, hiccup* dying.”

 

“Hey don’t cry Cas. It’s okay, it’ll go away, I promise.” Dean tries to comfort me by stoking my hair.

 

“You don’t *hiccup* know that Dean.” I can’t stop crying.

 

Dean leans over and kisses my forehead like he used to when we were younger. “Don’t die Cas. If you have nothing else to live for then don’t die for me. Please Cas.” He kisses my forehead again.

 

He used to always kiss me on my forehead in preschool and kindergarten up to calm me down. He eventually stopped doing that when we got older, when we learned about sexual orientation.

 

It surprised me a little bit when he did that and it actually managed to stop my crying.

 

“Let me see your eyes Cas.” Dean tells me.

 

I don’t want to. I’ve been crying too much lately, but I move my arm anyway.

 

Dean stares at my eyes for a long time then finally whispers, “You have sad eyes. I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner.” He still stares at my eyes. He wipes my tears away with his thumbs, kisses my forehead one more time, then gets up. “Doctor Zach should be back soon. I wonder what will happen to you.”

 

I just lay there staring up at the white ceiling, thinking the same thing with heaviness in my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys are going to like chapter 7 and I introduce someone who I think you’ll find, hopefully, an interesting friendship.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had Castiel’s roommate be who it is for, hopefully, a little comic relief. Also Lisa is a real bitch in this chapter and Dean is stupid when it comes to her, so be warned. This chapter is really long. It was supposed to actually be longer than this but I decided to put the rest in chapter eight. That’s why it’s a bad cliff hanger at the end.

**Chapter 7:**

 

Zach walks into the room minutes after Dean gets off the bed and I sit up. “I’ve called city hall. They’re getting your paper work together for adoption mostly, even though you’re a year from turning eighteen, and told me I can go ahead with my plans for you as long as I can find someone to pay your bills.”

 

“My dad may be able to do that.” Dean offers.

 

“Okay, I’ll tell you my plan right now anyway but won’t be able to go through with it until Dean’s dad gives me the okay.” He continues. “This is what I had in mind Castiel. I suggest you go to a psychiatric hospital.”

 

“You want me to go to a mental hospital other than known as a fucking insane asylum!” I burst out not believing what I’m hearing.

 

Zach looks at me. “They’re not called that anymore, Castiel.”

 

* _That’s right Castiel, you’re insane. They all know it_.* “I’m not Insane!” I yell at the voice in my head but they think I’m yelling at them.

 

“Cas maybe this is a good idea.” Dean mentions.

 

I get angry. “This from the guy who just told me minutes ago that it’ll get better, I _promise_!” I lift my hand to my head.

 

“Maybe this is the way. Cas just try it please.” Dean pleads.

 

“I’m getting a headache. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I say. * _Dean even thinks you’re completely insane_.*

 

The doctor looks at me. “Well Castiel, you’re going to be going whether you like it or not as soon as we either get confirmation from Mr. Winchester or we find someone else, like the government, to pay the bills. There’s no way out of it Castiel, you might as well get used to the idea now.” He then walks out of the room.

 

I lay down again closing my eyes. I hear Dean walk up to the bed and I feel him get on it. He lies down and partly grabs the back of my neck and partly my head.

 

I still don’t open my eyes. He moves my head to his chest and lays it on it. I hear his heart beating a calm rhythm. Then I hear him speak. “It _will_ get better, I promised didn’t I?”

 

I just lay there listening to his beating heart, feeling drowsy. Before I drift off to sleep I mutter without thinking, “I love you Dean.” and fall to sleep expecting Dean to tense up at my statement but the feeling of tense muscles never come.

 

…

 

_I am on top of Dean, kneeling with Dean between my legs. He grabs the bottom of my shirt, lifts it up over my head, and throws it on the floor. He rubs his palms along my chest, his shirt already off. I lean down and kiss him, his tongue rubbing my lower lip. I open my mouth allowing his tongue to gracefully slide into my mouth and twist around my own tongue. He grabs the belt attached to my dark blue jeans and starts unbuckling it._

_“I love you Cas.” I hear Dean say as he slides my jeans off._

_“I love you too.” I say kissing back furiously exploring the inside of his mouth with my tongue._

_Dean pulls away. “Cas?”_

_I look into his perfect green eyes. “What?”_

“Cas!” My eyes shoot open to see Dean looking down at me at my eyes.

 

_A dream._ I sigh. _It felt so real._ I think.

 

Dean speaks. “You were breathing pretty hard and well… I think you got a little excited.” He motions with his eyes down to my groin where there is an evident bulge. I quickly pull the covers over my waist, flushing a bright red. “Who were you dreaming about, me?” Dean smirks knowingly.

 

I smile trying to hide my embarrassment. “I was dreaming about a very famous painter.”

 

Dean laughs. “Yeah right.”

 

“Who else would I dream about?” I joke.

 

He put his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. I lay my head on his shoulder and he lays his head on top of mine. “I called my dad while you slept. He said he was willing to pay for this hospital bill and the psychiatric hospital bills.”

 

I just nod and stare into space. Then the door opens and my heart starts racing. Dean lets go, gets off the bed, and goes up to the new person and kisses them.

 

  1. I think bitterly.



 

“Castiel, oh my gosh! Are you okay?” Lisa asks innocently.

 

I death glare.

 

Dean chuckles uncomfortably. “What are you doing here?”

 

She smiles at him. “I wanted to check up on him.”

 

I stare at her in disbelief. “Ha, you wanted to check up on me?”

 

Dean buts in before I say anything else. “I don’t think Cas wants to see you.”

 

Lisa looks surprised. “Why?”

 

I get up off the bed. “Because you caused this, you fucking bitch!”

 

She lashes back. “What are you talking about? I didn’t force you to try and kill yourself!”

 

I’m getting angrier. I go to say something but Dean intervenes. “You shouldn’t have told the whole school about Cas, Lisa.”

 

She looks surprised. “You’re taking his side?”

 

“He is my best friend.” He says not making eye contact with her.

 

She looks extremely angry. “And I’m your girlfriend! Besides, he loves you Dean!” She points a finger at me then continues. “That means he wants to get into your pants!”

 

“What the hell does that have anything to do with it.?” Dean looks like he is getting angry.

 

“It has everything to do with it and what the fuck was earlier with your arm around him!?” She practically screams.

 

Dean shifts uncomfortably so I try to save him. “He was comforting me.”

 

Lisa looks discussed. “No one asked you gay whore!”

 

Dean snaps. “Okay that enough, you need to leave now!” He looks very angry.

 

“Fine but you’re coming right?” She looks at Dean.

 

Dean looks astounded as if he can’t believe she just asked him that. “No, I’m staying with Cas.” He looks her fiercely in the eyes.

 

Lisa looks even angrier. “Fine, fuck you!”

 

Dean smirks. “Yeah you’d like that wouldn’t you?” I start cracking up at that as Lisa leaves, smoke coming from her ears.

 

“Sorry about her Cas.” Dean looks at me apologetically.

 

I’m still laughing. “What you said back to her made up for it.”

 

He smiles that sweet smile back. “She was kind of a bitch though.”

 

I look at him, finally stop laughing. “Kind of?”

 

“Okay a lot.” He agrees.

 

“Not to piss you off or anything but, why are you dating her?” I ask.

 

His smile fades and he looks down at the floor. He hesitates before speaking. “I think I… love her Cas.” I frown and nod. He then continues. “I’m sorry if that hurts-” I cut him off.

 

“I’m fine Dean, doesn’t hurt.” I try to control my voice to not show any emotion. To not show how much it really does hurt. I swallow the lump in my throat and Dean looks unconvinced. To save myself I change the subject. “So I’m guessing you told her about what happened.” I say to him.

 

“Yeah, well I wanted her to know what she caused. Don’t worry though I told her not to tell anyone or else I’ll break up with her.” He says.

 

I unlock the eye contact. “She probably will now.”

 

“I don’t think so. She’ll get over all this and forgive me. She doesn’t want to break up with me still. I saw it in her eyes.” He says taking a step forward towards me.

 

Dean is about to say something but is cut off by Zach coming in. “Okay Castiel, Dean already told me that Mr. Winchester is willing to pay your bills so you’ll be going to the psychiatric hospital tomorrow. I’m proscribing you on antidepressant pills. You’ll start taking them once you get to the hospital. You won’t be able to OD on them either.” He smiles at me then turns to Dean. “Dean, you’ve been here all day, why don’t you go home.”

 

“You going to be okay?” Dean asks me. I nod and he just nods back and begins to leave.

 

I stop him. “Dean!” He turns and faces me. “Now we really are like brothers.” I hold up the arm with the cast on it.

 

Dean looks down at his own arm. “Yeah.” He turns as if he was going to leave but then turns back towards me. “Hey Cas, get some sleep. Do what you like, sleep. Your haven, your heaven.”

 

I look at him. “My heaven is you Dean.”

 

He swallows. “Right.” He says then quickly leaves.

 

Zach looks at me again. “You look happier than you did this morning.”

 

I frown. “Not really.”

 

…

 

I open my eyes to an empty room. It feels like I’ve slept a lot lately but I don’t care, I like sleeping, it gets me away from all the pain.

 

I lay there until I hear a knock. “Come in.”

 

Dean, Sam, and John Winchester come through the door.

 

I fake a smile. “So you’re skipping school again and this time you’re making Sam miss school too.”

 

Sam runs up to me and hugs me. “I wouldn’t want to if I weren’t skipping for you.”

 

I hug him back as the memory of me saying the same thing to Gabe when he was in the hospital after the car accident pops into my head. I swallow the lump in my throat that is starting to form.

 

Zach then walks in saving me from the situation. “Oh good, you’re here just in time.” Another guy walks in with a strait jacket. I get suspicious. “We’re going to have to put you in this jacket, Castiel.”

 

“Why? It’s not like I’m going to open the door while the vehicle is moving and jump-”. I cut myself off hearing the voice in my head. * _Not a bad idea Castiel._ *

 

Zach buts in. “See, you’re constantly thinking of ways to kill yourself.”

 

I think about that for a few seconds. “No not constantly, only when I…” I can’t think of what to say.

 

“It doesn’t matter right now. I do however want to tell you that I will be coming with you until you’re settled and is evaluated in the isolation room.” He tells me.

“Isolation room?” I ask suspiciously.

 

“It’s a room where you’ll be observed.” Zach tells me.

 

…

 

A strait jacket, the exact thing I thought I’d never be put in. I roll my eyes as the nurses put it on me.

 

_This is ridiculous!_ I think as they buckle it up.

 

“Okay let’s get going.” Zach says and leads the way.

 

The car ride there seems long as we go by many buildings. Finally we pull up to a huge building with a long driveway. We reach the gate and the driver tells the guard and he opens the gate. We continue the drive up to the building. Zach gets out of the car and opens my door. I struggle a little trying to get out but manage with a little help. We walk in the front door and the inside looks exactly like a hospital. I roll my eyes at the sight. _Fantastic._ I think.

 

Zach checks me in at the front desk while Dean comes up to me. “This isn’t too bad.”

 

“You’re not the one who has to stay here.” I tell him, getting annoyed in the strait jacket. “Can I get this thing off please?” I ask.

 

Someone comes up behind me and unhooks the metal buckles on the jacket. I stretch and we continue walking until we get to this lone room, going up a flight of stairs first. “This is the isolation room you’ll be spending 24 hours in.” Zach tells me. “We should probably say goodbye now. I’ll be back sometime tomorrow to check up on you then that’ll be it until you’re ready to get out of this place. Good luck Castiel.” He walks away with that.

 

“Hang in there Castiel.” John pats my back and walks away. Then Sam hugs me and says bye.

 

Dean walks up to me. “You’ll see, this’ll work out.” He grabs the back of my head, intertwining his fingers in my hair, pulls my head forward, and kisses my forehead. “See you.”

 

I watch him walk away and then one of the employees guides me into the _‘isolation room’_. I look around the room and notice that it looks just like a hospital room at the clinic. One bed, one closet, one side table and one window. There’s also one of those wheelie tables that they put your tray of food on.

I walk over to it as the employee shuts the door, seeing that there was already a tray on it. There is a small glass of milk, an orange juice carton, some kind of soup and more food under a cover. I lift up the cover and see mashed potatoes with gravy, corn, and chicken. There’s also a steak knife, fork, and a spoon. _Wow they’re really testing me. They give me a window and a sharp knife._ I think as I turn around and is faced with a two way mirror. _So that’s how they’re going to ‘keep an eye’ on me._ I think to myself.

 

I walk over to the window and see John, Dean, and Sam drive off. They look happy except for Dean who keeps looking back over his shoulder at the building.

 

I sigh and walk over to the bed and look at the food, not really hungry. Instead, I just lie down and stare at the white ceiling before shutting my eyes and going to sleep.

 

…

 

24 hours goes by slow when you don’t have anything to do. During that period of time employees come in and take away the tray stuffed with food still and gives me a glass of water, and makes me take an antidepressant pill.

 

A little more time goes by and then finally someone opens the door to the room. “You passed the isolation test, it’s time to go to your assigned room and meet your roommate. Then I’ll give you your schedule so you will know when and where to meet your psychiatrist. If you’d fallow me please.”

 

We walk back down to the first floor to room number seven. I can’t help but note that they put me in the room with God’s number.

 

We walk into another hospital looking room except with two beds, two windows, a desk, and a bathroom. There is a guy, about the same age as I am, maybe a few years older, on one of the beds.

 

He notices us and gets up. “Hey my name is Lucifer.”

 

My jaw drops. “Lucifer?”

 

He smirks. “Yeah, my parents must really hate me, and it’s no wonder why they put me in room seven. If they could I’m sure they would have stuck me in room six six-”. He’s cut off.

 

“Okay Lucifer, don’t scare him already.” The employee tells him.

 

Lucifer just shrugs and turns back to me. “So, what’s your name?”

 

I look at him blankly. “Castiel.”

 

He laughs a little. “So you’re named after an angel too.”

 

“Yeah but-”. He cuts me off.

 

“I know I’m named after the devil. It’s still an angel name however.” I just nod.

 

The employee buts in and hands me a piece of paper. “This is your schedule. These three times are breakfast, lunch, and supper. These times are the times you’ll meet your psychiatrist. These will lesson as time goes by.” Then he walks out leaving the door open.

 

“So how’d you wind up here? Actually first question, were you forced to come?” Lucifer then asks once the employee leaves.

 

“Forced by the doctor that was taking care of me.” I say.

 

He looks at me. “Yeah me too, although where I came from this is a step up, much better. Home felt like a cage in Hell.” I stare. “And my second question?”

 

I sigh before I start speaking. “Well if you consider being chronically depressed with the normal depressed actions, like cutting yourself and trying to commit suicide, then that’s the reason why I’m here.”

 

Lucifer nods. “I’m here because I’m bipolar depressed. Some people are happy all the time, some are manic, and then there’s me, fluctuating.”

 

I go and sit on the bed Lucifer wasn’t on moments before. “I have chronic depression. I’m pretty much depressed all the time and suicidal.”

 

Lucifer stands in front of me. “Siblings?”

 

I sigh again. “One older brother, his name was Gabriel.”

 

“Was?” Lucifer asks the question I was expecting.

 

I look to the floor. “He and my dad died in a car accident.”

 

“I see. I’m sorry man.” He sits next to me. “I guess both our families are pretty religious considering your Castiel, your big bro was Gabriel, I’m Lucifer.” He cringes at the name. “And I have an older brother named Michael.” He sighs. “He disowned me though, just like the rest of my family.”

 

“Why?” I ask, looking him in the eyes.

 

He smiles. “Because I rebelled. You know, Michael is one of those kids that fallow everything their father tells them. I, on the other hand, am not like that one bit. If _daddy_ tells me to do something and I don’t like it, then I would rebel. Before I ended up in here Michael and I got into a huge fight over my rebelling. I thought it would end the world. If I see Michael again, we’d probably get into another fight, and you know what? It’ll be the apocalypse as you know it, exaggerating of course.” He stares me down. “You a rebel, Angel?”

 

I cock my head at the nickname but answer his question. “I wasn’t when my dad was alive but now I am, I suppose.”

 

He smiles and pats my back. “Then you and I will get along just fine, Angel.”

 

I smile at the name. “Why are you calling me Angel?”

 

His already plastered grin grows even larger. “Your name is Castiel, hello, angel name.” I nod. “You don’t want me calling you that?”

 

I think. “No it’s fine.” I look at my schedule. After Lunch I have a meeting with the psychiatrist whose name is not present on the tiny piece of paper.

 

“I hate how they don’t put the names on the paper.” Lucifer says, breaking the silence.

 

…

 

Lucifer and I talk a little longer until he gets up. “Come on, lunch time. I’ll show you the people you should avoid.” He starts walking out of the room.

 

We walk into a huge dining hall. “I’m not that hungry.” I tell Lucifer but he forces me to get a tray filled with food anyway along with my antidepressant pill that I get at breakfast, lunch, and supper.

 

We sit at a table by ourselves as Lucifer point’s people out. “See him, the small guy that’s writing he’s Chuck. He thinks he is God, it’s fun to mess around with him. Those two over there, not sure of their names but they believe in ghosts and all that. They call themselves ‘Ghostfacers’.”

 

I start chuckling. “You mean like ‘ _Ghostbusters_ ’?”

 

He grins. “Yeah, like ‘who you gonna call?’. Anyways, those two girls over there.” He points to two girls with his finger. One of the girls has black hair and the other has short blonde hair. “The one with the black hair is Ruby. She tricks you into thinking she’s good and nice but in the end she’s a real bitch. I think she has a crush on me though because she keeps telling she wants to save me from the pit, the pit being this place. The one with the short blonde hair is Meg. She’s just pure evil. She tries to get on your good side by seduction but however way she tries to seduce you, don’t fall for it because in the end she’ll stab you in the back.”

 

“I don’t think I’ll have a problem ignoring her advances.” I claim.

 

“Why’s that?” Lucifer inquires.

 

I shake my head. “Never mind.”

 

He looks at me suspiciously but leaves it at that. He gets up. “Come on, let’s go have some fun.”

 

I get up and fallow him, leaving our trays on the table. We walk over to the guy named Chuck. Lucifer smirks. “Hey _God_ , I found another one of your children.”

 

Chuck looks up from his writing looking at me then to Lucifer. “Leave me alone Luci.”

 

Lucifer’s smile falters and he rolls his eyes. “Don’t call me that.”

 

Chuck lifts his paper up and shoves it in Lucifer’s face. “Look I wrote you in my new story. You’re the devil in it being freed from your cage in Hell with Ruby’s help. What’s your name?” He finally looks at me.

 

“Castiel.” I say.

 

“Angel of Thursday. Nice.” He writes my name down. “I’ll give you the privilege of being in my story.” He smiles then goes back to writing his story. I cringe at the thought of being in his story.

 

We go back to our seat and start eating. “He always makes me the devil in his stories.” Lucifer looks sad for a minute but then brightens up. “Too bad you’re being put into his stupid story now too.”

 

I don’t respond and continue picking at my food. After Lunch Lucifer and I split up and I try to find where I’m supposed to go for “counseling”. The room number that I finally get to is room number twenty three. I knock on the door and hear a muffled come in. I walk in and peer around at my surroundings.

 

The room is small with brown walls and darkly stained paneling half way up the wall. There is dark stained wood flooring with a rug in the middle of the room. On the rug there is a brown leather chair and a brown leather couch facing each other. There is a nightstand in between the couch and chair off to the side with a lamp and a digital clock set neatly on top. The psychiatrist, whose name I still don’t know, is sitting in the chair.

 

He gestures for me to sit on the couch. “You must be Castiel.” He states while I sit down. He has a slight accent. “My name is Balthazar.”

 

I roll my eyes. _What is up with the angel names?_ I think uncontrollably.

 

He looks at me fondly. “First thing I want to do is get to know you.”

 

I stare at the floor. “There’s not much to say.”

 

Kind eyes stare at me. “Humor me.”

 

I continue staring at the floor. “Well…” I begin. “I’m Castiel Novak, I’m seventeen years old and named after the angel of Thursday because that’s the day I was born. My father and older brother Gabriel died in a car crash four years ago. I have…” I pause. “… Had a mother that was a drunk and abused me and now she’s given me up. I have one best friend who is sixteen and I’m in love with. Oh by the way, my best friend is a guy.” At the mention of Dean Balthazar’s eyes widen.

 

I wait for the insults, the put downs, but they never come. He just wipes the shock off his face and waits for me to continue.

 

“Um… that’s all I want to say right now.” I continue looking at the floor.

 

“What about school?” He asks still looking at me as if he’s looking into my soul.

 

I clear my throat. “School…” I’m not sure what to say about it.

 

Balthazar decides to help. “Do you like it?”

 

I look up from where I’m burning a hole in the rug with my stare to look him in the eyes. “Not really.”

 

I know what’s coming next. “Why?”

 

I dread the question because there really isn’t an answer to it. “Because… I don’t have friends, I’m socially awkward, and I have to watch Dean be all…” I think of how to put it. “Over his girlfriend.”

 

“Dean is the guy you love that’s your best friend?” Balthazar still has that staring into your soul stare.

 

It makes me shift uncomfortably. “Yes.” I look at the clock, trying to look at anything other than soul staring Balthazar.

 

He catches me off guard with his next question. “You love him a lot? Like wanting to spend the rest of your life with him?”

 

“Yeah, I love him a lot. I want to be with him forever.” I say.

 

“How far will you go for him?” Balthazar asks.

 

I think for a few seconds before answering. “I would break the law for him. I would kill for him. …I would die for him.”

 

Balthazar nods slowly. “That’s a lot of love. And he doesn’t feel the same for you?”

 

I laugh a little. “He’s as straight as a stick. A very thick stick that can’t be bent.”

 

“And that hurts?” He asks.

 

I stare at him as if he grew a second head, anger rising for no apparent reason. “Of course that hurts. What are you stupid? Never been in love with someone you can’t have?”

 

Balthazar is unfazed by my outburst and insults. “I just wanted you to admit it.”

 

I’m confused. “Admit what?”

 

“That it hurts. That it hurts a lot. So much that sometimes you don’t want to live.” He says plainly.

 

I can already feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “Can I go now?”

 

Balthazar thinks for a minute then slowly nods. “You may leave.” I get up and exit the overly dark room.

 

I get back to my shared room. Lucifer isn’t there but someone else is with their back turned to me. I smirk and walk up behind him quietly. I wrap my arms around his shoulders pulling him to me and hugging him close.

 

He brings his hands up and grabs my arms, turns his head around slightly and says, “Hey Cas.”

 

“Hey Dean, how was school?” I ask resting my chin on his shoulder, closing my eyes and breathing in his scent.

 

He smiles. “Hell without you.”

 

Hearing that makes me smile and I hug him tighter then let him go. I sit on the bed. “Have you met my roommate?”

 

Dean comes and sits with me. “No, what’s he or she like?”

 

I’m about to answer when so called roommate walks in. “Speaking of the devil.”

 

“Hey I take offence to that!” Lucifer jokingly says.

 

Dean and I get up and Dean holds out his hand. “Dean Winchester.”

 

Lucifer takes his hand and shakes it. “Lucifer.”

 

“Lucifer?” Dean asks suspiciously.

 

Lucifer smiles innocently to Dean. “Don’t worry, I’m not the devil.” He walks over to me and wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close to him. “And Angel here has been a pleasure so far.”

 

Something flashes in Deans eyes and he practically growls out, “Angel?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys will like the beginning of the next chapter. You get jealous Dean in it and that makes Dean do something that I hope you guys will like.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a warning to you but Dean keeps messing things up.

**Chapter 8:**

 

I can already feel the tension in the room rising. “Angel is Castiel’s nickname I gave him.” Lucifer tells Dean.

 

Dean stares at Lucifer dangerously. “And you’re holding him like that because…?”

 

Lucifer smiles and rests his head on my shoulder. “I like him. He’s a good guy.”

 

Dean looks like he’s about to snap. “How old are you again?”

 

“Nineteen.” He answers.

 

“Two years older than Cas.” Man if looks could kill Lucifer would already be dead.

 

“How old are you Dean?” Lucifer says, slight mocking in his voice. He knows what he’s doing.

 

“Sixteen.” Dean says through clenched teeth.

 

Lucifer looks at me and of course, I’m sure I look absolutely uncomfortable. “Do you like them older or younger Angel?”

 

“What?” My voice squeaks a little.

 

“Older men or younger men?” He clarifies.

 

My heart sinks. _How did he find out? What kind of a hint did I accidently give him?_ I think desperately. I clear my throat. “D-doesn’t matter, I guess.” I try to get out of Lucifer’s grasp but he holds on to me tightly.

 

Dean’s hands are folded into fists so tight that his knuckles turn white. Lucifer smiles at him again. “I think Angel and I will be getting along just fine.” He turns his head to me, leans in, and starts to kiss my neck.

 

Dean snaps. “Let go of him!” He grabs Lucifer and shoves him out of the room and shuts and locks the door. “That son of a bitch!”

 

I look on wide eyed. Dean goes and sits on my bed rubbing his face to calm down. I grab the chair from the desk and pull it over to him and place it three or four feet away. I sit in it. “D-Dean?” I ask hesitantly.

 

“Are you two together?” He snaps at me.

 

“N-no, Lucifer… he was just… messing with you.” I say.

 

Dean looks at me, the anger dying down in his eyes. “He’s bad news Cas.”

 

“Look Dean-”. He cuts me off.

 

“And you told him that you were gay sooner than you told me?” The hurt in Dean’s voice makes me flinch.

 

“No I didn’t tell him. He found out somehow. I’m not sure how though.” I claim trying to convince the man in front of me. “Dean you have to believe me.”

 

Dean bites his bottom lip. “And you’re not falling for him?” He doesn’t look me in the eyes.

 

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I just stare at him, dumbfounded.

 

Dean gets up, walks the small distance to get to me, lifts my hands up, guides my hands to his waist, and sits on my lap, wrapping his arms around my neck hugging me. I feel his hair on my ear. “You’re not are you?”

 

“N-no. Dean what’s going on?” I turn my head into his. I feel Dean’s heart rate speeding in his chest.

 

“Just hold me Cas.” Dean finally says after minutes of silence.

 

I slightly look up at the ceiling. “Dean I can’t. It makes me want to kiss you.”

 

Dean leans back and looks me in the eyes, his slightly dilated. “Then kiss me.”

 

I stare at him in shock, mouth slightly open. “What?”

 

“If you want to kiss me then just kiss me.” He says on the edge of sounding desperate.

 

I laugh uncomfortably. “What are you talking about. It wouldn’t mean anything to you.”

 

He stares at me before responding. “I want you to kiss me so you’ll be happy.” It almost sounds like an excuse to me.

 

“Dean I can’t. I don’t want you to be a friend with benefits.” I finally say.

 

I go to push Dean off when he suddenly says, “What If I want to kiss you?”

 

“What do you mea-”. I don’t get to finish because of Dean’s lips hitting mine viciously. He hits my lips so hard that it actually hurts. He forces his tongue into my mouth and pushes me back a little.

 

I grab his thighs and pull him further on me, sure he can feel my erection through my and his jeans. I moan as I feel the pressure of Dean sitting on the place where the erection is. Our chests are plastered together and we’re both beginning to sweat and breathe heavily. Our kiss is becoming messy, saliva coating our lips because neither of us want to stop to swallow. Dean rubs his tongue along the roof of my mouth causing me to shiver and he moans into the kiss.

 

He pulls apart and starts kissing my neck. “Dean stop.” I say trying to control my breathing and think reasonably.

 

Dean leans into my ear. “No.” He bites the lobe of my ear and then starts sucking on it making me moan in pleasure.

 

“Dea-” He hits my mouth again, this time with even more force. He tangles his fingers into my hair and tugs a little making me moan again. He purposely grinds against the bulge in between my legs.

 

I think I feel Dean having an erection too but convince myself that it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, that it’s my imagination because of the situation I’m in.

 

Dean bites the bottom of my lip hard drawing blood and sucks on it. “You like to bleed, right Cas?”

 

“D-Dean p-please s-s-top.” I desperately say trying not to get wrapped into the situation.

 

That’s when the realization of the situation hits Dean. He stops abruptly and stares into my eyes, his eyes being dilated to the point where there’s hardly any green left and I wouldn’t be surprised if mine were the same.

 

He leans his sweaty forehead onto my own sweat coated forehead. “S-sorry Cas.” He says. He then grabs the back of my head and leans it down a little kissing the top of it.

 

He gets off and leaves without saying another word. I sit there confused and wondering how I’m supposed to deflate myself.

 

…

 

Lucifer walks in minutes later, smirking at me. “So how’d it go with Dean?”

 

I glare at him. “What the Hell dude?”

 

“What, you didn’t like me making Dean jealous?” He asks.

 

I roll my eyes. “He wasn’t jealous, he was just protecting me.”

 

He looks at me. “Protecting you from me? What did I do?”

 

I hesitate before speaking. “He’s very protective.”

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes. “Yeah because that was totally not jealousy that I just saw.”

 

“Listen, Dean is straight. Always has been, always will be.” I tell him.

 

His smile shrinks. “And straight guys can’t turn gay?”

 

“Not Dean.” I look at the floor.

 

Lucifer sits on his bed. “Whatever you say denial boy.” He whispers then continues more loudly. “So I’m guessing I was right about you preferring men over women?”

 

“What?” I look at him surprised. “You weren’t sure?”

 

“Nope just guessed.” His smile grows again.

 

“How did you guess then? What hint did I give you?” I ask him.

 

He sighs. “When you told me that you would probably not have any trouble resisting Meg’s advances.”

 

I stare at him. “And you automatically think I‘m into men? You didn’t think maybe I didn’t think she was attractive?”

 

He lies on his back. “Sorry but nope, didn’t cross my mind.”

 

“Well the next time you decide to mess with Dean, don’t.” I say and walk out, a little angry.

 

I walk back to the dining hall. There are not much people left, about nine to ten left, Chuck being among them. I walk up to where he is sitting and sit across from him, deciding I need a distraction from what happened between Dean and I. “Hey Chuck.”

 

He looks up from his writing. “Castiel right?”

 

I nod. “Since I’m going to be in your story I would like to know what it’s about.”

 

He looks at me suspiciously. “N-no one has ever w-wanted to know that.”

 

I smile the sweetest, most innocent smile I can conjure. “I just want to know what kind of story I’m in.”

 

Chuck looks around as if not sure what to do, then finally answers me. “Um… well let’s see…. It’s… um… about these two sisters that are trying to stop Lucifer and Michael from destroying the world. You in the story… um… are helping them.”

 

 _So Michael’s in it too_. “The sister’s names?” I ask half interested.

 

“Well, their names are Diana and Samantha. Diana is the older sister and Michael’s vessel and Samantha is the youngest being Lucifer’s vessel.” He tells me.

 

 _Well that’s ironic._ I think. “Who am I?”

 

He clears his throat. “Um… you are… an… angel… who is helping the sisters with their plan to stop Lucifer and Michael.”

 

“Naturally.” I get up and walk away after a quick goodbye.

 

I almost reach the door to the dining hall when someone steps in front of me. “Hey handsome, name’s Meg.” She touches my arm.

 

I roll my eyes. _Great._ I think. “Mine’s Castiel.”

 

“Cute.” She starts rubbing my arm.

 

I just sigh, shrug off her hand, tell her I have to go, and continue on my way. I reach my room and Lucifer is on his bed starring at the ceiling.

 

I go and lie on my bed and do the same thing as Lucifer sits up. He stares at me for a little while then gets up and walks to my bed. I eye him suspiciously. He sits down on the edge of my bed, sighs, and begins talking. “Listen, I’m…so-rr-y.” He struggles on the word. “That I… messed… with Dean.”

 

I put my hands under my head. “Thanks.”

 

He then leans over me, looking me in the eyes. “I still think you’re in denial about Dean’s feelings though.”

 

I sit up angry again. “Can we just drop the subject please?”

 

“I’ll drop it with a kiss.” Lucifer teases.

 

I don’t even smile. “Are you sure you’re not the devil because you’re awfully evil?”

 

“You know you like it.” Lucifer says getting off the bed. “You coming to supper in an hour?”

 

I shake my head. “No.” What happened earlier with dean made me lose my appetite.

 

Lucifer shrugs. “Your loss.” He lies on his bed and doesn’t bother me anymore.

 

…

 

Not long after there is a knock at the door and someone comes in. I look up to see Zachariah. “Hey Castiel, this must be your roommate.” He looks at Lucifer.

 

“Hey my name is Lucifer.” Lucifer says.

 

“Lucifer? That’s an… interesting name.” Zach says looking suspicious.

 

“Yep, blame my parents.” Lucifer rubs it off as a joke.

 

Zach ignores him and turns to me. “How’s it going Castiel?”

 

I look at him. “Fine I guess, I mean it’s only been one day.”

 

“And I’m guessing you passed the isolation room observation.” He mentions. “And you weren’t tempted at all?”

 

I roll my eyes. “No not really. I did, however, think they were really testing me. It was also boring, there’s not much to do here.”

 

Zach smiles. “You should participate in some of the activities. Castiel are you still having urges to harm yourself?”

 

I roll my eyes again. Even if I was I wouldn’t tell him because it’s none of his business. “No, not really.”

 

He smiles again. “That’s good. Okay I just wanted to check up on you. I should be going. We won’t see each other for a long time unless you need medical care that they can’t give you here so good luck Castiel.” I nod and say thanks and he leaves.

 

I look over to Lucifer who is lying on his bed again with his eyes shut. “You didn’t tell me they had activities here.”

 

He opens one eye and looks over to me. “Yeah sorry about that, I don’t participate in them.”

 

I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t with how boring it was here. “What do they have?”

 

Lucifer puts on a ‘thinking’ look. “Well they have bingo that I did, like once. They have church.”

 

I laugh a little. “Yeah I don’t think I would be… welcomed.”

 

“You think you won’t because of your sexual orientation, try having a name like mine. I went once and the new comers had to say their name. You can probably guess how that turned out.” He pauses to let what he said sink in then continues. “Let’s just say I don’t think I’ll be welcomed back with open arms. At least you can hide your preference, I can’t hide my name.”

 

I frown at him. “You can’t help what your parents name you.”

 

Lucifer frowns too. “Doesn’t matter to them I guess. As far as they’re concerned I’m already condemned to spend an eternity in Hell.”

 

I look away from him, tilting my head up to look at the ceiling, and sigh. “Well then you’ll have some company.”

 

“You think you’re going to Hell?” Lucifer asks.

 

I continue looking at the ceiling. “That’s pretty much what the religion says.” I look extremely sad.

 

He nods then notices my look. “What’s wrong other then knowing you’re going to Hell?”

 

I don’t look at him. “Dean won’t be there.” The edge of my lips curve up slightly at the thought of Dean going to Heaven. He’s lucky.

 

He smirks. “You sure? He was just jealous.”

 

I roll my eyes. “No he wasn’t.” I turn and look at him. “I thought we dropped this subject.”

 

He lies back down. “Yeah… right.” He leaves it at that but says something else. “I’m looking forward to seeing you in Hell.”

 

I chuckle a little. “Thanks a lot.” The smile disappears from my lips as I hear in my head * _that’s right, you’re going to Hell and there’s nothing you can do about it, but don’t worry I’ll be with you._ * I sigh not even arguing with the thoughts of my conscious. _Condemned to Hell forever._ I think adding it to my deepest thought.

 

Lucifer soon gets up from his place on the bed, asks me if I’m sure about not eating, then leaves when I say I’m sure.

 

Not being at supper catches one of the nurse’s eyes and he comes in with my pill. I take it then ask if I could use a phone and he brings me a portable land line.

 

I dial the number I have memorized from long ago. The thing that happened with Dean and I won’t leave my thoughts. I hear the phone ringing and I take a deep breath.

 

“Hello?” Comes from the other line.

 

I answer the voice. “Hello Mr. Winchester, its Castiel, is Dean there?”

 

I hear John call up the stairs to Dean saying I’m on the phone. I hear steps running down the stairs. Dean says a muffled ‘thank you’ to his father then takes the phone from him. “Cas?” He says into the phone, sounding as if he is happy to hear my voice.

 

“Hello Dean.” I say back into the phone.

 

It sounds like he is holding his breath. He finally breathes out after seconds of silence. He clears his throat. “Um… what are you calling for?”

 

“I wanted to talk about what happened earlier. I’m kind of confused about it.” I look out the window. It’s already dark.

 

Dean is silent for a minute then speaks. “Yeah about that… um… you know I’m sorry about that, I don’t know what made me think you would enjoy it if it doesn’t mean anything to me.” He fakes a chuckle nervously.

 

My heart sinks and that’s when I figure out how much I was hoping Lucifer was right about Dean being jealous. _Maybe Dean is lying?_ I try to convince myself but it doesn’t work and I can feel myself on the verge of crying.

 

“Cas?” I hear the phone ask.

 

I clear my throat. “Yeah I’m here. Don’t worry Dean its fine. Already forgotten. Glad that’s cleared up.”

 

I try to stop my voice from wavering but not so well. “I’ve hurt you, you’re hurt. I’m sorry Cas.”

 

“It’s… fine.” I cover my mouth with my free hand, the one in the cast, as best I can to hide the whimpers, cheeks already glistening with tears.

 

I keep my hand over my mouth, the sound coming from my mouth sounding like an animal in pain and all I can do is hope Dean can’t hear. “I can tell it’s not Cas.” He sounds extremely guilty.

 

“I… um… have to go. It’s lights out time.” I know he probably doesn’t believe me since it is only 6:00 at night but I hang up before Dean can say anything to me. I try to wipe the tears away only to have them replaced with new fresh ones. I pull my knees up to my chest and cry into my knees, trying to stay as quiet as possible.

 

Lucifer walks in seconds after I hang up, sits next to me on the bed and pulls me close, just letting me cry into his shoulder without a word.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think this chapter is sad wait till you get to read chapter 10. I think chapter 10 is even sadder. I almost cried while writing this chapter and writing chapter 10 and I’m the one who came up with the ideas =). Don’t worry, I’m planning in chapter 11 for the mood to lighten up a little and something good to happen to Castiel.

**Chapter 9:**

 

The weekend finally comes and I’m relieved because that’s one more week closer to death until Dean walks in and my on the verge of being happy mood immediately drops. Lucifer takes one look at Dean and leaves.

 

Dean stands there for quite a while before speaking, looking at the floor. “Hey I wanted to check up on you. See how you are after our phone conversation.”

 

I look at the floor too. “I’m fine.”

 

“Listen Cas, I really am sorry for leading you on like that. It wasn’t right, I know that, and I’m sorry.” He says.

 

“It’s fine.” I say again.

 

Dean finally looks up from the floor but I don’t meet his eyes. If I do I know I’ll break down and cry. “Cas… will you look at me please?”

 

I still don’t look. Dean takes a step forward but doesn’t come any closer. The tension in the room is almost unbearable. “I can tell you’re hurt.”

 

I snap my head up and look at him in the eyes. “Maybe that’s because _someone_ I know kissed me! I didn’t even force you this time Dean! I mean what the hell!”

 

He looks away. “I know but I wanted to…” He doesn’t finish, looking confused. “I don’t know!”

 

I’m still looking at him. “Lucifer thinks you were jealous.”

 

He looks at me angrily. “You’re going to believe him!?”

 

“He had to have messed with you for a reason.” I say.

 

“I don’t like that guy Cas.” He says obviously angry at the mention of the ‘devil’.

 

“Why, he’s been nothing but good to me. He may be a dick sometimes but at least he’s been here and not sending me mixed signals.” Now I’m getting mad.

 

“He’s bad news.” He says trying not to yell.

 

I roll my eyes. _This is getting ridiculous._ “No he’s not.” I say then add, “And he is pretty sure you were jealous.”

 

“Well I wasn’t, just get over it.” He sticks his hands in his pocket. It almost looks like he’s trying to hide something in his voice, that he’s afraid of something.

 

“Get over it!? You have got to be kidding me! I can’t just get over it Dean!” I’m getting angrier and my voice is rising.

 

Dean rolls his eyes. “You’re pathetic Cas. You’re acting like a ba-“ He cuts himself off but the damage is already done.

 

I feel a sting in my chest. “No go ahead and say it Dean!”

 

He stays quiet not making eye contact. I feel the sting of tears pooling on the rim of my bottom eye lid. “You were going to call me a baby right? Well I’ll tell you something Dean.” A tear slips away from my eye and I quickly wipe it away. “I’m not just a baby but I’m a _pathetic loser,_ a _disappointment, stupid, fucked up, gay,_ a _slut,_ a _whore,_ and _going to Hell!_ ” I list off all the things I’ve ever been called. “So I don’t need you calling me a baby!”

 

There’s no emotion on Dean’s face. He finally speaks after a long pause. “A lot of people have it worse than you Cas, so I suggest you grow up.”

 

“Don’t you think I know that?” My voice falters. “But you know what? I would trade lives with them any day. I’d rather live their messed up lives than my fucked up one.” I wipe more tears away.

 

He stares at me for a long while then finally says something. “You know what, I’m done.”

 

“What?” I ask in confusion.

 

“I don’t think I’ll be coming back here.” He moves to leave.

 

I’m really confused. “What are you talking about?”

 

Dean stops at the door and turns around to look at me. “Maybe this is sign Cas.” He pauses to think. “Maybe this is a sign that our friendship has gone on long enough and it’s time to say goodbye.”

 

My jaw drops. “Wh-what are you talking about?”

 

He looks away from me. “Our friendship is over Cas.” My heart literally drops to my stomach and I hear a low whimper forming in my throat. “Goodbye Cas.” And with that Dean starts walking away.

 

_What the Hell?_ “W-w-wait, D-Dean!” I run after him. I step out of the room just in time to see him leave the building through the front entrance.

 

I feel my body shaking, my breath coming in rigid gasps. I hear the whimper coming from my own throat getting louder and louder.

 

I’m only half aware of a nurse coming up to me and asking me if I’m okay. I’m half aware of the tears pouring down my cheeks like a rain storm.

 

“Kid are you okay?” I hear the nurse ask me again and that’s enough to set me off. I fall down to the floor on my hands and knees and throw up my breakfast from this morning. I’m gasping in rigid breaths as the nurse calls for help. I hear a familiar voice behind me, calling me by my nickname.

 

“Angel, you okay? What’s wrong?” Lucifer asks as he kneels beside me.

 

Then I hear Chuck’s concerned, quiet voice asking me what’s the matter. I try to answer them but all that comes out is a muffled sob.

 

I can’t stop shaking, the nurse’s hand rubbing my back. Then a new hand wraps around my arm. I hear the familiar voice of Balthazar as he tells me to come with him. I get up and he half drags me, half carries me to his office and lays me down on the couch. He lifts up my head, sits down, and lays my head in his lap. He begins stroking my hair to calm me down. He doesn’t say a word as I continue to cry, not caring whose lap my head is in. I cry into his thigh, making his pants wet where my tears fall.

 

…

 

A week has gone by since the day Dean decided to end our friendship. During that week I was confused and wouldn’t get out of bed. All I would do is lay there, sleeping or just starring out the window from where I lay.

 

I stopped going to breakfast, lunch, and supper and the nurses would bring my antidepressant pills, which seem to not be working, to me in the room. After two days of the beginning of the week Lucifer and Chuck would bring their food up to the room, bringing extra for me, and sit there on Lucifer’s bed, Chuck reading the newest chapter of his story. I never touched the food they brought and I only half listened to Chuck.

 

Toward the end of the week the nurses decided to force me to eat by sitting with me in the room, watching until I finished. I could never keep anything down though so the nurses called a doctor and she prescribed me something for my anxiety.

 

“This’ll help with your anxiety that’s making you throw up.” She said gently, soothingly. She handed me a pamphlet of information. “I’ll inform your primary doctor of this so he can monitor it. Get better okay hun.” She then leaves. I couldn’t even muster up a small smile. I just stared back at her, internally thanking her for being so nice.

 

Truth is I’m tired, physically and mentally. I’m so mentally tired that I don’t even have the energy to care whether I live anymore or not. I don’t even have the energy to even try to take my life. I also convince myself that I did something horrible in my life so I deserve this life. I deserve to live in Hell and be in pain 24/7. I deserve my dad and brother dying, my mom leaving, and Dean ending our friendship. I deserve all of it.

 

Dean gave me a reason to live and hold on to life and he tore it away and ripped it up. Now I have nothing to live for, nothing to hold onto. I have no one now and I feel dead inside. If I already feel dead then why bother even killing myself?

 

The anti-anxiety pills start working so I’m forced to go down to the dining hall. I have a meeting with Balthazar this afternoon after lunch but I haven’t been going so why start now?

 

I sit at a table alone with my tray of food. It has corn, chicken, and potatoes. There’s also a small carton of chocolate milk. I’m not hungry.

 

Lucifer and Chuck come over and sit across from me. They give me a small smile, that I don’t return, and Lucifer says, “It’s good to see you out and about.”

 

Chuck also says something. “So I don’t exactly have a new chapter to read to you so… I’ll just… have you guys help me come up with things to write.”

 

I feel a tap on my shoulder and see Lucifer and Chuck’s eyes wander above me. I look around to see Sam Winchester. “Hey Cas.” He says. “Can we talk in your room?”

 

I nod, get up, and lead the way, dumping my tray still full of untouched food in the trash.

 

I hear Lucifer mumble behind me, “If he wasn’t going to eat he should have given me the food.” A slight smile forms on my lips, a smile I haven’t done in a long time. A real smile.

 

It doesn’t take us long to get back to the room and I go and sit on my bed while Sam just stands, backpack slung over his shoulder. “Is everything okay with you and Dean?” I flinch and don’t answer him, I just stare at the floor. Sam continues. “He’s been moping around the house all week and won’t tell me what’s wrong. Also he hasn’t come to see you lately. What’s going on?”

 

I shrug. “I’m not sure, if you want answers you should ask Dean.”

 

Sam frowns. “I already told you he’s not telling me.”

 

“Well I don’t know either!” I snap at him. “I’m sorry. We got into a stupid fight and he broke our friendship up.”

 

He stays silent while the news sinks in. “Over an argument?” He asks, needing clarification.

 

I nod and Sam gives me his ‘I’m sorry man’ puppy look. He looks out the window, sighs, then looks back at me. “He didn’t mean it you know. He’s really…” He tries to think of a word other than depressed. He finally settles on a word. “Sad. He hardly does anything now. He goes to school, comes home, goes to his room, and mopes alone in his room. He hardly ever sees Lisa anymore, to her dislike.”

 

I can’t help but smile a little at that. No matter how depressed I am, Dean not spending time with Lisa will always make me a little happier and _‘turn my frown upside down’_.

 

Sam notices the small curve of my lips. “Don’t be happy about that! He’s really deplorable about this whole situation. It’s really inconsolable.”

 

I stare at him. “Deplorable?”

 

He sighs as if tired of telling people definitions. “Causing or being a subject for grief or regret, and inconsolable is sad beyond comforting” He says as if reading it out of a dictionary.

 

“Oh boo-hoo, poor Dean. Maybe he should join me in here then.” I say just to see Sam’s reaction.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” He asks.

 

I sigh and tell him, “I don’t know. He’s the one who broke it off not me.”

 

“Well I’m going to fix it. I got to go now Cas because Dad doesn’t know I’m here and neither does Dean. I told them I wanted to walk to a store then walk home so I better get going.” He begins leaving. “Don’t worry I’ll straighten Dean out. See you Cas.” And with that he disappears out of the room with an overly big and heavy backpack.

 

I say goodbye and watch him leave with a heavy heart. I don’t want him to leave. I want him to stay and keep me company. _How selfish._ I think as I lay back down on my bed.

 

Seeing Sam leave hits a nerve and I start thinking about my mom leaving. About what her back looked like when she walked out that door. When she didn’t even look back. Not even one glance.

 

And being alone in this room, it finally hits me that my mom isn’t going to walk through that door, ever. And that’s when the realization that I lost my mom settles in. That for the rest of my life, however long that may be, I will never see her again.

 

I start crying as I lay there. I mean it’s nothing new but if I think about it, it’s the first time I’ve cried about the situation with my mom. And for the first time in my life, I feel completely and utterly alone.

 

I felt alone before but I always had mom there and on her bad days I always had Dean there and now both have abandoned me in this world I call Hell.

 

I miss my mom. I miss her smile that she would give me when she was sober and having a good day. I miss her being excited and happy about something. I miss her hugging me, holding me close. I even miss the aroma of alcohol after she drank a few beers. I miss helping her up the stairs when she is so plastered, so wasted, that she can hardly stand. I miss her coming into my room every night, drunk or sober, when she thought I was fast asleep, leaning down, kissing my forehead, then stroking my hair and telling me how much she loves me. That’s the best way however. If she knew I was awake she wouldn’t have done any of that. At least this way I knew she loved me. I miss her so much and I want the pain from losing her and everybody else to go away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a special chapter. It doesn’t move the story along at all but I like the idea of this so here is Chapter 10 Castiel’s Prayer Special. Hope you enjoy. In my opinion, this is the saddest chapter so far.

I get down on both my knees beside my bed. I place both my hands together, close my eyes, and begin to pray.

 

“God, if you are out there and will listen to someone who is gay and tried to kill themselves, then please listen to me.” I sniffle a little, the beginning of crying. “Please God, I’m so alone and don’t want to be anymore because it hurts so much. I don’t know if this is a test from you or what but if it is I don’t know how to pass it. The pain is becoming unbearable and…”

I wipe the tears away and continue. “I don’t want to live anymore. I know I’m being selfish but I don’t know what else to do. Don’t I deserve to be a little selfish? So please God, please just take me already. I can’t take this anymore. I’ve tried to be strong but I’ve used up all my strength. Please don’t be angry. I just can’t hold on anymore. Please understand. I know you chose this life for me but…”

I take in a deep breath. “I don’t know how to live anymore; I don’t know how to be happy. You make beautiful beings; they’re just not beautiful towards me. They treat me like shit and sometimes I don’t understand why you created my life like this. Why are you sending me so much pain? Why did you create me the way I am? Sometimes I think when you did create me; you didn’t make me strong enough which I suppose is the truth. I guess I disappointed you just like I disappoint everybody else. God, I’m named after one of your angels and you’re the only thing I have left that I can believe in. Please take me away from this pain, let be at peace. Even if you don’t want me in heaven because of my sexual orientation that is fine by me because anything must be better than this, right?”

I wipe the tears away again and take a long pause before continuing. “There’s nothing left for me in this world. My mom left me behind so I don’t have her and Dean… well Dean, he’s gone too.” My voice falters when I say that and it takes me a little while before I calm down enough to continue. “He’s gone, the only thing holding me here. I’m so far in this pit that a rope as long as from the Earth to the moon and back, no to Pluto and back, wouldn’t be long enough to reach me. Not only that but I’m shattered. I’m shattered into a million pieces and those million pieces are shattered into another million. Nothing can put me back together again and I realize that now. Maybe I’ve been holding on to long as it is. Don’t you think it’s time for me to be happy? Don’t you think it’s about time I find paradise? Please tell me what I’m supposed to do. I look into my future and I see nothing. I just see more pain and more darkness. You chose the wrong person for this test.”

A small smile forms on my face. “You actually should have chosen Dean. He would have passed it because he’s strong. He’s the strongest person I know and the sweetest and most handsomest of all people on Earth. How am I supposed to live on without him?”

I cry into my hand for a minute or so then go back to praying. “I’m weak, I can’t do this anymore. The string holding me together has broken and I’m just falling. I’m miserable and can’t get happy. I’ve tried so hard to be happy but I can’t. It has gotten so bad that I didn’t even feel happy around Dean anymore. Please tell me how I’m supposed to go on in life with so much pain in my heart? The only happiness I see is with the dead. With my father and my brother. I’ll finally be with them again and I’ll be happy. I’ll finally be happy. After everything don’t I deserve to be happy? Wanting to die to get away from the pain is selfish and I know that but I’m not ashamed of it. Honestly God if you don’t take me then I’ll do it myself. I don’t know how in a place like this but I’ll find a way. Wouldn’t you rather take one of your children your way instead of them taking it their way? Please God I haven’t asked anything of you since Dad and Gabe got in the accident so please, please grant me this one last wish and kill me and take me to paradise. I don’t care how you do, it can be painful or peacefully in my sleep, I don’t care just please do it. Please, I’m begging you. Take me away from here. I don’t want to be here anymore and I know that is a sin for I should be honored to be able to live on your beautiful Earth but I can’t. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that everything will get better and that Earth is a beautiful place. I do admit the landscape and the animals are beautiful but the humans that live on it take it for granted. I don’t want to take it for granted anymore God. I can’t because it’s no longer beautiful with these beings called human kind. Nothing is beautiful to me anymore. I used to think Dean’s green eyes were the most beautiful thing you could have ever made on this Earth but I don’t find them beautiful anymore. I find nothing beautiful about him anymore and that pains me. Sure he is still more beautiful than anything else here but…”

I pause. “But him walking out that door crushed the life out of me and now the only thing I ever found beautiful in my torn, broken life is no longer beautiful… is no longer here. How do you expect me to live in a world full of ugly things? How do you expect me to be strong enough to live on, to be strong enough to move on when everybody in my life walked out on me, left me alone, left me feeling like shit. Left me feeling like I’m worthless. Of course it’s true though. I am worthless and if you took my life now I know no one will miss me. Not mom, not Dean, not Lucifer or Chuck, not anyone. I won’t be missed, I won’t be mourned, I won’t be cried over, I won’t have a funeral, I won’t even be remembered. So you see, save me from future pain and just take me to you. It’s okay because I’m asking for it, so I’m okay with it. I just want to say before you do is that Dean, where ever you are right now, that I’m sorry for ever loving you and causing you pain.”

I’m struggling to talk because of my crying. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. I’m sorry for meeting you and becoming your friend to only have it lead up to this moment. And Dean, by any slim, small chance that you will miss me please don’t cry for me. Please don’t mourn me or miss me. Please move on and be happy with Lisa or whoever you end up with in the future. I really do wish the best for you even though I could never accomplish the best for me. Even though I could never make it there. And one more thing Dean, forget about me when I’m gone. I don’t want you to be hung up on me being gone and blaming yourself because it’s not your fault, it’s mine. It’s my fault for feeling this way, it’s my fault for my dad’s and brother’s car accident, it’s my fault for Mom hitting me and her drinking, it’s my fault for having her give me up and last but not least it’s my fault for causing you to walk out of my life and I’m sorry I caused you to do that so don’t blame yourself. It’s my fault for choosing this destiny. Everything is my fault. Dean I love you so much and I’m sorry. Amen.” I cover my face with my hands again and cry into them. “I love you so much, Dean.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something good finally happens to our sweet Castiel. =)

**Chapter 11:**

 

Lucifer, Chuck, and I are sitting at a lunch table by ourselves eating supper. Lucifer is sitting next to me and Chuck is sitting across from us.

 

It’s actually a pretty good day, I mean I’m depressed but I’ve managed to distract myself from Dean. Oh shit, never mind, not anymore.

 

“Hey Castiel.” I hear an annoying voice behind me. _I swear, if that is who I think it is I’m going to be pissed._ I think as I turn around and see the exact person I thought it was.

 

Meg is standing right there as close to me as possible. I get up, a little uncomfortable with the situation.

 

She has been bothering the three of us, mostly me, for a few days now.

 

Lucifer stands too and tries to come to my rescue. “Hey Meg, we’re having a private conversation here.”

 

Meg ignores him. “Castiel how would you like to be my boyfriend?”

 

I have to bite my cheek to stop myself from bursting out with laughter. “Um… no thank you.”

 

She makes a face as if disgusted, as if she has never been rejected in her entire life. “Why are you gay?”

 

_Why does everyone just assume that?_ I wonder. “In fact I am.” I fake a smirk.

 

She laughs a little then looks me directly in the eyes. “Yeah right, you’re totally joking.”

 

I roll my eyes. “No actually I’m not joking.”

 

“Sure whatever you say.” She says unconvinced.

 

“What you want me to prove it?” I say playfully.

 

She looks at me in a way I can only describe as daring and flirting. “Sure.”

 

So out of the blue, and to Lucifer’s surprise, I grab the collar of his shirt, pull him in, and kiss him smack on the lips.

 

His lips aren’t like Dean’s. They’re rough while Dean’s are soft. Lucifer also has that annoying stubble that I always find so cute and adorable on Dean. I have a feeling, though, that I wouldn’t find the stubble so annoying if it was Dean I was kissing.

 

Also, and trust me on this, I certainly wouldn’t have kissed Lucifer if Dean hadn’t broken our friendship up, and I definitely wouldn’t have kissed him if I knew Dean was standing right there.

 

_Oh shit!_ I think as I stare Dean right in the eyes. The hurt and pain in his eyes make me flinch.

 

He is standing in the doorway, shock written all over his face.

 

_Shit!_

 

“Okay so you are.” Meg says shock clearly in her voice.

 

“Wow Angel you should warn someone before you kiss them.” Lucifer says playful expression on his face.

 

_Shit! Shit! Shit!_ “Dean…” I say slightly panicked.

 

“Well I’m glad to see you moving on from me.” Dean says walking up to us. All hurt and shock erased from his face and posture. The only thing giving him away is his green eyes that are still full of so much pain.

 

“It’s not what it looks like Dean. I’m not-“ Meg cuts me off.

 

“You’re not gay are you?” She asks Dean, going up close to him.

 

Dean continues looking me in the eyes and doesn’t even glance at Meg. “Nope, not at all.”

 

I look to Meg, not being able to stand the pain reflecting from the green irises. “Leave him alone.”

 

She looks back at me. “Hey, you don’t want me.”

 

I clench my hands into fists. “That doesn’t mean you have to be a slut and hit on the next guy that walks through that door.”

 

“What did you just say to me?” She looks at me angrily.

 

I roll my eyes. “I called you a slut! And you know what? I’m so fucking tired of you. I’ve had it up to here with you!” I lift my hand above my head.

 

“You ass hole!” She goes to slap me but I stop her by punching her in the chin.

 

I know guys shouldn’t hit girls but hey, I’m crazy aren’t I?

 

She gets up after the initial shock and lunges at me. I wasn’t ready for that so she ends up knocking me backwards, hitting the table. Before I can react I feel arms wrap around my waist, pulling. “Cas that’s enough, stop!”

 

I stop struggling against the hold and relax a little, my side hurting from where I hit the table. Lucifer is holding Meg back who is still fighting to get away from him, screaming curses at the top of her lungs.

 

Four guards jog up to us and grab us from the two men holding us. They put us into strait jackets and lead us away.

 

....................

 

A strait jacket… I really hate them things.

 

They lead me too this room and open the door. They tell me to go in and soon as I am I look around. I’m in a white padded room.

 

_This is a little extreme isn’t it?_ I think as I look at the wall behind me. There’s a two way mirror. “Doesn’t a two way mirror defeat the purpose of a padded room? After all you can hurt yourself on a mirror.” I say to the people that I know are watching me from behind the mirror.

 

The door opens and I turn around to see Dean shutting the door behind him. He walks over to me, turns me around and starts unbuckling the jacket. “They told me not to take this off you but I think its okay.” He says as he helps me out of the dreadful thing.

 

“Dean listen.” I turn around again to face him, desperate to set things straight. “That kiss with Lucifer, I was only trying to show Meg, that girl earlier, that I wasn’t lying about being gay. Please believe me?” I beg.

 

He doesn’t look me in the eyes. “I know Cas, Lucifer explained it to me.”

 

I’m a little shocked. “And you believed him?”

 

“Yep.” He simply states.

 

A long pause goes by before I speak. “Dean,… um… what are you doing here anyways?”

 

“Sammy got me to realize something and to get my ass into gear to get down here and tell you.” He says, looking down at the strait jacket and playing with it slightly.

 

“And… what was that?” I question.

 

Dean looks at me again, opens his mouth then looks away, face slightly pink. “I think it’ll be easier to show you.” He walks up close to me and gently, oh so softly, gives me a quick little peck on the lips.

 

And I’m left standing there gapping mouth, shocked to no end. “What was that?”

 

Dean chuckles nervously, face redder than seconds before. “It… um… was a kiss dummy.” He doesn’t look at me.

 

I look at him suspiciously. “Why?” I start. “I mean, do you like me the way I like you now?”

 

He looks even further away from me cheeks beat red. “Yeah I guess so.”

 

I’m astonished. “And you’re just realizing this, after everything?”

 

“Like I said, I needed a little push.” He quietly states.

 

“And Lisa? You just going to break up with her so we can be together?” I ask not fully believing him.

 

He quickly glances up at me then looks away again. “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.”

 

I smile a little in disbelief, not understanding how he hasn’t thought about it. “Well you’re thinking about it now.”

 

“Cas…” He begins. “I don’t think I’m ready to break up with her.”

 

I can’t believe what I just heard. “So your planning on having me share you?”

 

“Well when you put it like that, no.” He says.

 

“How else would you put it?” I ask, confused.

 

He looks nervous. “What if this thing between us doesn’t work out? Then I’ll be alone.”

 

“Oh because no one wants to be alone like me.” I say angrily.

 

He looks at me with sad eyes. “Okay bad choice of words, but you know what I mean.”

 

“You don’t know what it feels like to be alone Dean, maybe you should try it sometime.” I say a little more calmly but still angry and hurt.

 

“Okay I admit, I shouldn’t have said that.” He says guiltily.

 

I look away. “Whatever Dean, doesn’t matter.” I look back at him again. “But you have to choose, you can’t have us both. So who will it be Dean, me or Lisa?” I know I’m not being fair but I think, after everything he has done, after everything I went through, I deserve to be unfair.

 

Dean thinks a little, opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind.

 

I lean my back against the wall, looking away from him, nodding slightly. “Not saying anything is an answer.” I slide down the wall, curling my legs up to my chest. I lean my chin on my knees. “So you choose Lisa?”

 

He takes a step toward me. “Cas…”

 

“Just go Dean.” I look at the floor.

 

“Cas.” He says.

 

I’m hurt. “I can’t just be your friend and I’m certainly not sharing you so just go.”

 

Dean looks at me and begins nodding slowly. “Okay… I’ll go.” That hurts me in even more because I was hoping he would say he’d rather stay.

 

He turns to leave but stops mid turn. He walks over to me and kneels down beside me. He grabs my chin and turns it so I’m looking at him while saying, “Before I go, let me show you who I choose.” He leans in and pecks me on the lips again. Sort of like the one before except slightly longer. He then gets up and turns to leave again while I stare at him, surprise written all over my face.

 

I stop him. “Dean wait.”

 

He turns around quickly. “Yeah?” He looks hopeful.

 

I look away again. “Do you… really choose me?”

 

He smiles a little. “Yeah, I really do Cas.” I slightly nod. Dean looks at me with hopeful, pleading eyes but says once he realizes I’m not going to say anything, “Okay I… um… guess I’ll respect your wishes and leave.” He turns again and starts to walk away.

 

I roll my eyes in surrender and look toward him. “Dean?” He turns again, this time with tears rimming his eyes. “D-don’t go. Stay, please.”

 

Dean sighs and it almost looks like he is shaking with relief. “Yeah I’ll stay.” He sounds relieved and is smiling. He walks back up to me, kneels beside me and pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry Cas.” I can tell he’s crying. “I’m sorry for acting like a dick, for sending you mixed signals, and especially for breaking up our friendship. I’m sorry for ever hurting you and I don’t think I can live without you Cas.” He barriers his face in my left shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

 

I bring my left hand up to the back of his head. “Shh… It’s okay Dean, I forgive you. You don’t need to cry.” I lie. I try to forgive him but I can’t, and honestly I don’t trust him anymore. I don’t trust him not to leave me again, to not play me like the fool I am and breaking my heart once again. But me forgiving him is what he wants to hear so that’s what I’ll say as many times that is needed for me to finally and truthfully forgive him. “I love you and will always forgive you.”

 

“Thanks Cas.” He mumbles into my shoulder then mumbles. “Can you hold me, just for a little bit?”

 

I sigh and look up at the ceiling, stroking the back of his head. “Yeah Dean I’ll hold you.”

 

As we sit there in silence for a few minutes Dean starts to laugh. “What’s so funny?” I ask him.

 

He leans back, arms still around my shoulders, huge grin on his face. “Dude, you punched a girl.”

 

We both start laughing uncontrollably. I open my mouth to say something but change my mind.

 

“What?” Dean asks me, our faces close.

 

“Nothing.” I answer.

 

Dean smiles at me. “Tell me, I want to know.”

 

I can’t help but smile largely. “All I was going to say was… you’re too cute Dean.” I say truthfully.

 

The grin on Dean’s face grows. “You too Cas. You too.”

 

Him saying that makes me extremely happy.

 

..........

 

With a little convincing from Dean, they let me out of the padded room.

 

We go back to my room. Of course Lucifer is there along with Chuck.

 

“Dean, this is Chuck, you haven’t met him yet.” I walk up to Chuck.

 

Dean comes up to him and reaches out to shake hands. “Dean Winchester.”

 

Chuck takes the extended hand and shakes it. “N-nice to m-meet you.” He let’s go of Dean’s hand and turn to me. “Um… Castiel… um… Luci is pouting.”

 

“Don’t call me that!” I hear from the guy lying in bed, just staring at the ceiling.

 

“Why?” I ask Chuck.

 

Chuck stares at me with his ‘worried’ look. “Michael.”

 

“Michael?” I ask in confusion. “I walk over to where Lucifer is lying on his bed. I sit on the edge of the bed looking at him. “What about Michael?” I ask him.

 

He looks up at me with his eyes. “He’s coming here.”

 

“What? Why? I thought he disowned you?” I ask.

 

He continues looking at me. “My dad died.”

 

I look at him shocked. I know how it feels to lose a father. “I’m sorry, you okay?”

 

He sits up and looks at me. “Yeah I’m perfectly fine. I’m glad that ass hole is dead, it’s no big deal.” I can tell he’s lying.

 

“You’re lying.” I tell him.

 

He looks angry. “I’m not lying! I don’t care about the stupid dick. I don’t love him.”

 

I know that all too well. “Yes you do. Want to know how I know?”

 

He gets up. “Not really.”

 

I shake my head and tell him anyway. “Because that’s what I thought with my mom. I thought I hated her, I convinced myself that I hated her, but then she left.” I quickly look at Dean with my eyes then back to Lucifer. “When she left and it finally hit me, it finally sunk in that I’m never going to have her in my life again, I realized how much I love her. I realized that I was just lying to myself that I hated her.” I look at Dean again and all I see is compassion in those green eyes.

 

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing I’m not lying to myself that I hate him.” He says stubbornly, sitting on his bed again.

 

I roll my eyes and shake my head. I walk over to Dean. I would have put my arms around him but decided against it. After all, I’m not sure how sincere he is about us being ‘in a relationship’ and he’s technically still with Lisa. So I decide to just stand next to him.

 

Dean is about to do something when someone walks in. I look over to the noise of feet entering the room and there stands a slightly tall man who is well built. He’s not that bad looking either.

 

“Hey brother.” The man says to Lucifer.

 

“Hello Michael.” Lucifer growls to his older brother.

 

He looks at us. “These must be your friends.”

 

“Not me.” Dean says from beside me and I give him a look.

 

He looks at Dean then at both me and Chuck. “So is one of you my wonderful brother’s roommate?” He asks me and Chuck, noticing us in the psychiatric hospital’s uniform.

 

“I am.” I tell him.

 

“Nice to meet you.” He comes up to me and shakes my hand. “Name?”

 

I hesitate with telling him my name but decide what could be the harm. “Castiel Novak.”

 

“I-I’m… um… C-Chuck.” Chuck stutters from his place on my bed.

 

Michael nods at him then turns to Dean. “And you?”

 

“Dean Winchester.” He shakes his hand starring him in the eyes.

 

There is something suspicious by the way Michael is looking at Dean but I ignore it for now.

 

Michael looks back at Lucifer. “So my sweet baby brother, should I make plans to pick you up for the funeral on Friday three weeks from now?”

 

Lucifer gives him a dirty look. “No the bastard doesn’t deserve my company at his funeral.”

 

Michael looks angry. “He’s our dad, Lucifer!”

 

He seems to be thinking. He looks at me and Chuck then back to Michael. “Okay I’ll go if Angel and Chuck get to come.” He motions to me when he calls me by my nickname.

 

“Woe, woe, woe.” Dean interrupts. “Cas isn’t going to go to a funeral to a guy he doesn’t even know.”

 

Lucifer looks at Dean angrily. “You don’t control Angel’s life.”

 

“Neither do you.” Dean comes back with, challenge in his voice.

 

I intervene. “No one controls my life and Dean I’m fine with going to the funeral to support Lucifer.”

 

Dean huffs, rolls his eyes and goes to sit on my bed. I feel a little bad for making him angry at me but Lucifer is my friend… I think.

 

“I’ll go.” Chuck says in his quiet, squeaky voice.

 

Michael looks from me to Chuck to Lucifer. “Okay fine if it gets you there. I’ll pick you up at 9:00 in the morning Friday three weeks from now.” He begins to leave. “See you bro.” He nods to me and Chuck. “Bye Dean.” He gives him a smile and leaves.

 

_What was that about?_ I think to myself. I go and sit by Dean who is looking at the door after Michael. “I’m sorry that I made you mad.” I tell him.

 

He tears his gaze away from the door. “You didn’t make me mad, you hurt me because you took his side.” He points to Lucifer.

 

“Dean he’s my friend.” I say.

 

“And so am I Cas, your best friend for that matter.” He stands up angrily.

 

I look to the floor. “I thought we were more than that now?” I say quietly.

 

Dean’s posture visually relaxes. He comes up to me and sits close to me, taking my hand in his. “We are.”

 

I don’t believe him so instead I say to Lucifer and Chuck’s questioning face, “Dean and I made up. We’re…” I search for the right words.

 

Dean says the words for me. “Together now.” He kisses my temple lightly and smiles at me. I fake a smile back.

 

“Hey you know I was thinking, maybe I should go with you to the funeral.” He looks at Lucifer. “If that’s okay with you.”

 

Lucifer thinks for a few seconds, looks at me, then to Dean. “Fine for Angel’s sake but you better behave yourself Dean.” He walks to the door, winks at me and Dean, and leaves calling to Chuck. “Come on Chucky-boy.”

 

“B-bye guys.” Chuck mumbles then fallows Lucifer’s shadow.

 

I give Dean a curious look. “Why do you want to go to a funeral; of a person you don’t even know?”

 

“Why do you?” He looks softly at me.

 

I move closer to him so we are barely touching. “I’m going to support Lucifer.”

 

“And I’m going to support you.” He says, tilting his head to the left a little.

 

I lean forward, not enough to touch but enough to feel each other’s breath, looking in his green eyes. “And I thank you for that, but-“ Dean cuts me off with a kiss on the lips.

 

“No buts Cas.” He kisses my lips again and smiles back at me.

 

I fake a smile. I don’t know why I can’t do a real one but Dean smiling at me gives me a pain in my heart.

 

“Are you sure you are ready to leave this place for a few hours?” Dean asks in concern.

 

“I’ll be fine. Besides I could use the change of scenery.” I say.

 

“Aren’t I a good enough view?” Dean asks jokingly.

 

I chuckle a little. “Yeah but I could really use some fresh air and outdoor scenery.”

 

Dean nods and continues to smile.

 

I should know not to mention it because as soon as I do Dean moves away the slightest little bit but still noticeable and that makes the pain in my heart worse. “When are you going to talk to Lisa to explain things?”

 

He sits there starring at me for the longest time. “You let me handle that.” He says eventually.

 

I force a curve on my lips, the pain in my chest getting stronger and stronger. “You didn’t answer my question.”

 

He moves away again. “Cas I’m not sure when I’m going to talk-“ He gets cut off by two people walking in the room. Dean jumps off the bed and moves a good yard away from me.

 

“Hey Dad, Sammy.” Dean says to the _great timing_ intruders.

 

“Hello Mr. Winchester. Hey Sam.” I look at the two men with a quick questioning look to Dean and he returns it with a look that says ‘sorry’.

 

“What are you doing here?” Dean asks his Dad.

 

John smiles playfully at me. “Visiting my third son.” That has been an old joke for a long time. He would always call me his third son because I would be at their house all the time. “How are you doing Castiel?”

 

“Fine.” I feel a little uncomfortable with the situation.

 

“Dean I asked Lisa to come here too. I figured she’d want to see her friend and boyfriend.” John says to Dean.

 

Dean goes pale. “You what?”

 

John chuckles. “She said she’d come so she should be here soon.” He turns back to me not noticing Dean sitting back down on my bed, face still pale. “How is it here Castiel?”

 

I clear my throat. “It’s okay, I guess. I mean I’ve made two friends… I think.”

 

Sam looks confused. “What do you mean by ‘you think’?”

 

I look to the floor. “I think they’re my friends, I’m not sure.”

 

John looks at his eldest son again. “So Dean I’m glad you finally came here. You never told me why you stopped for a while there.”

 

Dean swallows hard. “Because… school kept me… busy.”

 

I know what he is doing. “But that’s okay, I understand.” I fake another smile. Dean shoots me a ‘thank you’ glance.

 

“Where are your roommate?” John asks me.

 

I motion to the door with my chin. “He just left.”

 

“You getting any better?” He asks me. I feel Dean shift uncomfortably beside me.

 

I wish John would stop with the twenty questions. “Sort of.”

 

He smiles. “That’s good.”

 

That’s when we hear a muffled clearing of the throat. I look to see Lisa standing in the door way and the tension that is already present, rises.

 

Lisa looks hesitantly at me. “H-hey Castiel.” She says, averting her eyes. She walks up to Dean, who is still on my bed, hesitates, and then hugs him. “Hey sweetheart.”

 

Dean doesn’t say anything back and just forces a smile on his face.

 

I feel like retching at the sight.

 

She kisses Dean on the lips tenderly and I can’t help but think my lips were on his just moments ago. I try to excuse myself. “I think I’ll find my roommate and other friend.”

 

I get half way up before I feel Dean grab my arm. I must say even in this situation the touch is electrifying. “I don’t think these guys need to meet them this second.” Dean says with pleading eyes.

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I sit back down. I really don’t want to be here but Dean probably doesn’t want to be left alone with them even more.

 

Lisa is now sitting in Dean’s lap and all I want to do is shove her ass off _my_ boyfriend and sit on his lap myself. It takes all of my effort not to do that exact thing and sit stiffly beside them both, stomach doing flips inside my hallow body.

 

_And the day was just getting good. Of course this would happen to me._ I think sadly. _Just my damn luck._

 

I sigh and feel Dean’s finger tips touch my own finger tips just slightly but not noticeable and that’s enough to make me relax my body a little.

 

I know I should just come out and say that Dean and I are now dating instead of hiding it but if I did that not only would Dean get pissed at me, but I would be the biggest hypocrite in the word, considering how long I hid my sexual orientation myself.

 

I throw a quick glance to Dean and see him starring at me with an apologetic smile, not paying attention to the conversation happening between the other three people in the room.

 

He shifts with Lisa still on his lap and looks away to not look suspicious.

 

I look back to the group just in time to hear Lisa say to Dean, “I’m so glad you have time for me now.” She kisses him. “I love you so much.” She kisses him again and looks expectantly.

 

She giggles. “Where is your ‘same to you’ or are you finally going to say you love me?”

 

Everybody except me looks at him intently. I look at the floor wanting to shrink to the size of a crumb.

 

Dean clears his throat. “Same to you.” Dean gives me another quick glance but I don’t return it because if I do then he’ll see the tears in my eyes. The tears that want to escape and spill over the edge so desperately. The tears that I know will start falling as soon as I look into those gorgeous green eyes.

 

Dean shifts his hand again so that his fingers are just barley in between my fingers and it takes all my self control to not place my hand over his own, rough hand.

 

John, Sam, and Lisa talk for a while, Dean and I not saying much, until a nurse comes in to tell them that visiting hours are over. John, Sam, and Lisa say good bye.

 

“Bye Cas.” Dean says giving me a very sad smile and puppy dog eyes. Then all four of them leave.

 

Soon after I hear feet enter the room. I look up expecting Lucifer only to see Dean rush up to me and smack his lips to mine. When he pulls away he says, “Good night Cas, sweet dreams. I’m sorry about today.”

 

“It’s okay Dean. Good night and sweet dreams to you too.” I give him a kiss on the cheek.

 

Dean kisses my forehead before finally leaving for the night. I lay on my bed ready for sleep.

 

.........

 

I wake up feeling my comforter lifting up and a weight settling in beside me. I wonder why Lucifer would be getting in bed with me and turn around.

 

What I see isn’t Lucifer but Dean’s smiling face. “Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” He whispers to me.

 

“How’d you get in here? Don’t they lock the doors?” I ask him in a whisper.

 

He smiles. “Yeah but I picked the lock.”

 

I laugh a little. “You what?” I shake my head in amusement. “Dean you bad, bad boy.”

 

“You know you like me bad.” He says kissing my lips.

 

“I love you Dean.” I say to him, not expecting him to say it back.

 

“Me too.” He says then we both settle down next to each other and go to sleep absorbing each other’s warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it. I don’t think this chapter started out with the best quality but I hope it got better towards the end.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first Christmas Special. =)

**Chapter 12:**

 

_I_ _’m drowning. What am I drowning in? What is this stuff? Why is it so thick and red?_

_I can’t reach the top. My head is submerged. I can’t breathe._

_Someone help me!_

_Is this blood? Yes it is. I’m drowning in my own blood! Help, I need help!_

_I’m flailing so why won’t I surface? Why won’t I reach the top?_

_I can’t take it anymore, I need to breathe!_

_Someone help, Dean please help me!_

“Cas wake up.” I hear from somewhere outside my mind.

 

I bolt upright, gasping for air, sweat soaking my body. I look around widely before I realize where I am. I try to control my breathing to calm myself down from the adrenalin rush. My heart pumping the blood around my body a mile a minute.

 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It was just a bad dream.” Dean says soothingly as he lies beside me, sitting half way up to rub my shoulder.

 

I look at him, trying to fake a smile but not being able to. “Yeah, I guess so. I think I’m just worried about us and keeping our relationship a secret.”

 

He looks at me concerned. “You want to talk about it? The thing about keeping it a secret?”

 

I look straight ahead, eyes heavy from tiredness. “Not really.”

 

Dean thinks about what to say then continues. “Okay, do you want to tell me about the dream?”

 

I shake my head. “Not really.” I say again.

 

Dean nods. “Okay, I’m not going to force you to tell me but you know when you want to talk I’m here?”

 

I finally manage to fake a smile. “I know. Thanks Dean.” I kiss his cheek and lie back down.

 

Dean searches my face with his eyes then lies back down beside me, fitting his head in the crook of my shoulder. I feel him kiss my neck then settle back into the crook of my shoulder, hand on my chest. “You know I was thinking. If you think you are ready to be out and about maybe you… can… maybe… celebrate Christmas at my place.” Dean’s voice trails off at the end.

 

I contemplate the idea and wonder if it is a good idea. We wouldn’t be able to act like we are lovers if Dean wants to keep it a secret. I sigh, starring at the ceiling, trying to think up an excuse of why I can’t go. “Yeah that’s sounds nice. I’ll come. Thanks Dean.” I close my eyes, try not to think of the fact that Lisa and her family will most likely be there too.

 

“Lisa isn’t going to be there.” Dean says as if reading my mind.

 

My eyes shoot open with surprise. “What? Why? She’s always there.”

 

I feel Dean swallow. “Her family and she are going to go fly to visit other family members this year.” He pauses. “But I guess that’s a good thing right? I mean at least it won’t be too awkward.”

 

I have to suppress a laugh. I sit up and look down at him and in that moment, seeing his beautiful green eyes staring back up at me with so much love in them, I really believe that maybe, just maybe, we’ll be okay. “With your father, Sam, and Bobby being there, I think it’ll still be a little awkward.”

 

He sits up beside me. “Yeah I know.” He nods, looks down then back up at me. “I’m sorry Cas. I’m just not ready to tell them. Please understand.”

 

I look at him warmly. “Dean, I of all people understand. Look how long it took me to tell you of all people.”

 

“Thanks Cas.” He smiles sweetly. “You know what we should do? Go Christmas shopping together.”

 

“I don’t have any money.” I tell him.

 

“Don’t worry about it, I do.” He reaches over the side of the bed and picks up his jeans that I just now realize are off, his bare legs are against mine and that all he has on the bottom half of his body is his _very thin_ boxers.

 

He reaches into the back pocket of the pair of blue jeans and pulls out his wallet. He opens his black leather wallet and pulls out some money. “I’ll give you some.”

 

I try not to pay attention to the fact that I’m lying next to a half naked Dean Winchester. “D-Dean I’m not going to take your money and buy you a gift. It’d be like buying yourself something.”

 

Dean grabs my hand and puts the money in it. “Now it’s yours.” He uncovers himself and swings his legs over the edge. “Come on.”

 

“Dean.” I begin.

 

He stands up, turns around, and starts taking the comforter off me. “Come on. Up and at ‘em. Time for you take a shower.”

 

“Are you hinting that I smell?” I ask pretending to be hurt.

 

“Yeah you smell real bad.” He jokes with a smile.

 

I smile back and drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom that’s in our room. I close the door behind me and hear Dean say to me from behind the door, “I’ll be back Cas. I’m going to go home and take a shower myself and change.”

 

“Okay.” I say through the door.

 

By the time I’m done and exit the bathroom Lucifer is up and gone. I don’t have to wait long for Dean to return with a big grin on his face. “You ready Cas?”

 

I nod. “Yep.”

 

“Good. I already signed you out.” Dean pats the back of my shoulder and starts walking out. “Come on handsome.”

 

I fallow behind Dean as we leave the building and get into his beloved Impala that his dad got him.

 

He drives us to a store and we go in. Dean gave me around $150.00 to spend by bringing more money when he came back from his house. I tried to refuse again but eventually gave up.

 

After about a half hour of walking throughout the store, Dean carrying a shirt for his dad and an encyclopedia for Sam, I come across a few fountain pens. I pick up a black one costing around $53.00 for Chuck. I decide to get it for him.

 

I decide to look for something for Lucifer next but have a hard time deciding what to get him.

 

“You should just not get him anything.” Dean says annoyed.

 

“Dean.” I give him a look.

 

“Yeah yeah I know.” He rolls his eyes.

 

I continue searching for something for Lucifer and as I search I find a pair of fencing pliers for $17.00. I decide to get them for John, remembering he wants to build a fence, and decide to pick up a money clip for $12.00 for Sam. In the end I decide to get Lucifer a **Tabbris Angel Statue for $40.00.**

 

**I look at Dean. He’s been sticking to my side the whole time we’ve been here, never leaving it even if he didn’t want to go the direction I wanted to go in. One time during the shopping I said I wanted to go a direction, Dean said he wanted to go another way. I told him to go ahead and that we’d meet up later but then all of a sudden he agreed to go in my direction. “Dean I’m not going to pick out a gift for you when you’re right here with me.”**

 

**“Why not? I’ll just act surprised.” He tells me.**

 

**“You’re joking, right?” I ask him.**

 

**“No.” He simply says.**

 

**“Dean please. I’m not going to go and kill myself in front of these people.” I reassure him.**

 

**He seems to be going to argue with me but then says, “Fine. I have to get you something anyway. We’ll meet back at the Impala.” He kisses my forehead. “Don’t take too long please Cas.” He starts to walk away but then turns around to face me again. “Hey Cas, you don’t need to get me anything. You being here and still alive is the greatest gift I could ask for.”**

 

**“You know you don’t have to get me anything too, you know.” I say to him.**

 

**He slightly nods. “I know, but I want to.”**

 

**I make a quick smirk. “Me too.”**

 

**He smiles from the corner of his mouth then walks away.**

 

**I continue searching the store for something to get Dean when I see it. The perfect gift for him.**

 

**In front of me, there on the shelf, is a model car kit of a 1967 black Chevy Impala for only $18.00. Perfect.**

 

**I grab it off of the shelf and head into a line to cash out. When I get up to the cashier the woman asks me, “So how are you spending Christmas?”**

 

**I think for a while before responding. “I’m going to… um… spend it at my friend’s house along with my family.”**

 

**“That’s nice.” She smiles sweetly. “Your total comes out to be $140.00.”**

 

**I give her the $150.00 and she gives me $10.00 for change. I’m almost to the exit when I’m bombarded by a hug out of nowhere.**

 

**“Dean what’s wrong?” I ask the man that’s squeezing the life out of me.**

 

**He lets go. “What took you so long? I’ve been waiting forever, man.”**

 

**“I had to look for something for you. It took longer than I expected. I’m sorry.” I give him puppy dog eyes.**

 

**He looks away then back at me quickly. “No I’m sorry. I over reacted. It’s just that the longer I had to wait the more scenarios popped into my head. Oh and if it makes you feel better, you killing yourself is not one of them.”**

 

**“Really?” I ask him.**

 

**“Yeah really I mean it. I mostly thought that other people hurt you.” He tells me.**

 

**“All is forgiven.” I say.**

 

**He puts his arm around my shoulder and starts walking toward the exit. “Come on let’s go.**

 

**We get back to my room at the hospital when the thought hits me. “Hey Dean I was wondering, and before you say no please at least think about it, but do you think maybe Lucifer could come to Christmas too… and Chuck, if he doesn’t have family to spend it with of course.” Dean looks shocked but I continue before he can say anything. “But Lucifer doesn’t have anybody to spend it with. Please Dean.”**

 

**He looks at me as if I’m insane. Ironic I know. “You have got to be kidding.”**

 

**“Please Dean. Think about it okay.” I plead.**

 

**Dean’s eyes soften. “Don’t look at me like that.”**

 

**I tilt my head to the side and furrow my brows in confusion. “Like what?”**

 

**“Just this really cute puppy dog face that you make sometimes. I can’t say no to it.” He chuckles. “You’re just as good as Sam.”**

 

**“Yeah?” I ask playfully.**

 

**“Definitely.” He says.**

 

I kiss him on the lips then pull away to say, “So does that mean its yes?”

 

Dean shakes his head with a small smile. “Yes they can come.” He says in defeat.

 

I smile into another kiss with him then we say our good byes, him needing to get home because he promised his dad something.

 

Not too soon after that Lucifer and Chuck walk into the room. Luckily I had already hid their presents. “Hey guys I want to ask you something.”

 

“Yeah what is it Angel?” Lucifer asks me.

 

I’m a little nervous. “I was wondering if you two wanted to spend Christmas at Dean’s place with… me.”

 

I half expected two refusals but instead hear Chuck say, “Sure why not.”

 

Then I hear Lucifer ask, “Is it okay with Dean if I come?”

 

I make a real smile at him. “Yeah I convinced him.”

 

“Pretty cool Angel. Got some influences with your boyfriend do you?” He laughs and my smile grows. “Sure I’ll go. Thanks for thinking of me Angel.”

 

“Me t-too, Castiel.” Chuck stutters slightly.

 

“No one should spend Christmas alone.” I tell them with a big smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s not the greatest or very long. Next Chapter will be about Christmas day. Also if you’re wondering what the angel statue looks like, type in “Tabbris Angel Statue” in Google Images and it should be the first picture. I thought it would be cool for Lucifer to get that, don’t know why.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set on Christmas day. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Warning: There is a bad word that is mentioned in here towards Castiel. I was not really comfortable writing it in but decided to anyways that way I can show how “against” John is towards Dean being homosexual.

**Chapter 13:**

 

Somehow going to Dean’s for Christmas doesn’t appeal to me. Although having Lucifer and Chuck there does make me feel a little better.

 

I’m so nervous I feel like puking. “Angel just calm down, it’ll be fine.” I hear Lucifer’s voice.

 

“You know Dean is an ass.” I practically yell.

 

Lucifer looks lost for words. “Well I already knew that but why are you saying that now?”

 

I’m pacing the floor. “How can he think I’ll have a good time there? It’s going to be so awkward. I mean he wants to keep our relationship a secret.” Tears are forming in my eyes.

 

Lucifer gets up and stops me from pacing by grabbing my shoulder. “Okay he’s being an inconsiderate dick. Maybe you should tell him.”

 

“Tell who?” Chuck’s squeaky voice comes from the door as he walks in.

 

“Tell our sweet little Angel’s boyfriend that he’s being an ass.” Lucifer tells Chuck.

 

Chuck’s eyes grow wide. “I would stop talking about him now. He’s out at the counter signing us out. He’ll be here soon.”

 

“I don’t care.” I say as I sit down.

 

As soon as I get sat down, Dean walks in. “Hey.” He comes up to me and kisses my lips. I hear Lucifer snort but Dean and I ignore it.

 

“Hey.” I fake a smile. I can’t stop the thought of how easy it is for me to be fake and lie to Dean, and how he believes me.

 

“You guys ready to go?” Dean asks us.

 

All three of us nod. I grab my presents to everyone that I wrapped a few days ago when Dean brought wrapping paper and the nurse’s supervision with the scissors and tape.

 

Dean looks at Lucifer. “And Lucifer, don’t ruin my car with your evilness.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry Dean, I won’t.” Lucifer starts walking out.

 

Dean drives to his place. I’m in the passenger seat while Chuck and Lucifer are in the back.

 

When we get there and park into the driveway. Dean starts talking to me. “It’s been a while since you’ve been here for Christmas.”

 

“Four years.” I say back.

 

Dean nods then he and Chuck exit the car, Lucifer and I staying behind for a few seconds. I take a deep breath.

 

“It’ll be okay.” Lucifer says, patting my shoulder then exits.

 

I too get out of the car. _And here comes the being fake in front of everyone._ I think as I fallow the three up to the front door.

 

We walk into the warm house and we’re engulfed in the smell of cooking food. “Good timing boys. Supper is almost done.”

 

“Good I’m starving. Dad you didn’t forget the pie did you?” I hear Dean say to his dad in the kitchen.

 

I hear John laugh and say, “Yes Dean I’ve got the pie.”

 

“Good. Hey Sammy get in here, I’ve got people to introduce you too.” Dean calls as Lucifer, Chuck, and I walk into the room.

 

Sam soon enters and Dean introduces my two friends. “These two are Cas’ friends. He is Chuck and this one is Lucifer, Cas’ roommate.”

 

“This one?” I hear Lucifer say under his breath beside me.

 

“Nice to meet you.” Both John and Sam say at the same time.

 

Both Lucifer and Chuck smile politely, say “Nice to meet you too.” Then leave to sit on the coach in the living room.

 

I walk up to Dean who is eyeing the pie like he can’t wait to stuff his face with it.

 

I will say the thought of me feeding it to him did cross my mind. “Hey Dean, your dad and Sam know I’m into guys right?”

 

He smiles at me. “Yeah I told them the day you told me.”

 

“And does Sam know we are dating?” I almost added ‘at the same time you’re dating Lisa’ but stop myself.

 

He looks away, back at the pie. “No, I never told him how I feel towards you.”

 

I look confused. “But I thought he helped you figure out your feelings?”

 

“Sort of. He just gave me shit about ending our friendship.” He says, still not looking at me.

 

“Oh.” I say then walk away.

 

I walk into the living room where Lucifer and Chuck are sitting on the coach, “C-Castiel, could you m-maybe stay here with us because it’s kind of awkward?” Chuck says after I sit down next to Lucifer.

 

Lucifer is the next to speak. “Yeah, I don’t know Mr. Winchester and Dean… well he’s Dean.” He pauses. “Sam on the other hand seems interesting.” He gets up and starts walking away.

 

“Lucifer, wait!” I get up and go after him.

 

I find him in the hall talking to Sam. “Hey Angel, Sam and I were just talking about what kind of job we want.”

 

“Can I talk to you alone?” I ask as I get up to them.

 

“Sure thing Angel.” He says good bye to Sam and Sam leaves. “Whatcha need?”

 

I try to stay calm. “Don’t talk to Sam because if you do Dean will murder you.”

 

He smiles. “I don’t think he’ll go that far, he’ll end up in jail and lose you.”

 

I look to the floor. “I don’t think that matters, and I don’t want to lose my bes-“ I cut myself off. I almost said best friend but that’s reserved for Dean right?

 

Lucifer looks at me curiously. “What?”

 

“My friend.” I correct myself.

 

Lucifer looks at me as if he knows what I was going to say. “Okay I won’t talk to him. I wasn’t going to do anything to him anyway. He’s what, twelve, and I’m nineteen, I just wanted to see Dean’s reaction.” He pauses briefly. “I don’t want to lose my best friend either.” He pats by back and leaves to sit next to Chuck again.

 

“Hey I need a break, come with me?” Dean asks as he comes up to me and keeps walking when I nod.

 

We go into his room and Dean immediately goes over to his bed and plops down onto his back while I just stand there wondering what the hell to do, not being able to see Dean’s face.

 

Dean then lifts up his arms into the air. I assume it’s a sign that he wants me to come over and hug him. I walk over and fall ‘gracefully’ on top of him. He gives a huff under my weight as I hit him. He wraps his arms around my back and squeezes, my head on his chest. Then the question I half expected comes out of his mouth. “Are we still best friends or are we just lovers?” He tilts his head down as far as it’ll go to look at me.

 

I don’t want to look at him, knowing he heard mine and Lucifer’s earlier conversation. “Yeah of course.”

 

He doesn’t seem convinced. “Can you please look me in the eyes and tell me that.”

 

I sit up so I’m looking him straight in the eyes. “I mean it. You’ll always be my ultimate best friend.” I lie to him.

 

“What about Lucifer?” He asks.

 

I roll off of him, sighing, and lay on my back. “I’m Lucifer’s best friend while your mine.” I snuggle up to him to make it seem more real.

 

Dean looks at the ceiling, sadness in his eyes. “I’m screwing up, aren’t I Cas?”

 

I look at him questioningly. “What do you mean?”

 

“I’m scared Cas.” I can see tears forming in his eyes. “I’m scared I’m going to screw up big time and you’re going to leave. That you won’t just forgive me.”

 

“Then don’t screw up.” I tell him, sitting up on my shoulder.

 

A tear escapes from one of his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you Cas.”

 

“Dean look at me.” He turns his head. “You’re not going to lose me. You know I’ll die if I lose you.”

 

“Please don’t leave me.” He says. More tears are coming out of his eyes and Dean brings his hands up to his face to cover it, turning away from me.

 

I snuggle even closer to him. “Hey don’t cry. I’m sorry I’m hurting you like this.”

 

“You’re not hurting me.” He wipes his face and looks at me. “I’m hurting you.”

 

I feel bad. “No you’re not. I’m fine.” I lie again.

 

“I’m not blind Cas. I am hurting you.” He tries to stop crying but can’t.

 

I try to come up with something to calm him. “Okay, how about this? Your Christmas present to me will make up for it. We’ll start with a clean slate, okay?”

 

He sniffles. “Okay.” He doesn’t seem satisfied so I peck his lips a few times then rest my head on his chest again.

 

After a few minutes Dean finally calms down and stops his crying. There’s a knock at the door soon after that. Dean and I separate from each other and get off the bed as Dean says a muffled ‘come in’. His dad opens the door and comes in. “Hey Dean, I need your help out here.”

 

“Okay dad.” Dean says, trying to sound as if he hadn’t just been crying but failed.

 

John’s face scrunches up. “Have you been crying son?” John asks.

 

“No.” I can already see tears forming in his eyes again.

 

John scowls. “Men don’t cry Dean.”

 

Dean bites his lips and tries to blink the tears away. “Yes sir.”

 

“Hurry up and get out here okay?” John says then leaves.

 

Dean moves to wipe his face to rid the tears but I stop him half way by grabbing his wrists. I lean in and kiss his lips. I move to kissing his cheeks, cupping his chin in both my hands, feeling the salty tears wet my lips.

 

I don’t know what makes me do this but I stick out my tongue and start licking his tears up. Dean just stands there letting me as I move to kiss his eyes. I kiss both his eyes multiple times, gently. I end with a kiss on the lips.

 

“What was that about?” Dean asks me, smiling.

 

“Because I love you.” I say back.

 

He kisses my forehead and we leave the room. Dean goes to the kitchen and I go to the living room to sit with my two friends. Lucifer being Lucifer says as soon as I enter the room, “So, you get some action?”

 

I roll my eyes. “No.” I say as I sit down. Supper is ready a few minutes later.

 

Lucifer, Chuck, and I walk into a kitchen smelling of food. There is turkey with gravy, mashed potatoes, corn, carrots, stuffing, green beans, sweet potatoes and squash, along with banana bread.

 

I sit in between Dean and Lucifer, Dean on my left and Lucifer on my right. Chuck is across from Lucifer next to Bobby who is across Dean, while Sam is to my left on the end and John on the end to my right.

 

We all pass the food around, grabbing what we want. I’m not hungry, no surprise there, but I fill my plate up with as much food as I think I can force myself to eat. After everyone’s plates are full we dig in. I eat slowly, hoping not to make myself sick too quickly. Dean on the other hand fills his plate up so much that it’s almost overflowing and stuffing his face fast.

 

I look at him wide eyed. “Maybe you should slow down.”

 

“I want pie.” He says before grabbing a huge spoonful of mashed potatoes and shoving it in his mouth.

 

John clears his throat and tears his gaze away from his eldest son to look at me. “So Castiel, any cute guys at the hospital?”

 

I almost choke on the piece of turkey in my mouth and Dean stops eating to look at his father in surprise. After swallowing the piece of turkey lodge in my throat, I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. Luckily Dean saves me. “Why would he fall for a crazy person? He and Chuck are the only ones in the whole place that aren’t.”

 

“What about me?” Lucifer asks from beside me.

 

Dean ignores him and John looks between the two, wondering what he missed.

 

Something flashes in Lucifer’s eyes. He grabs my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine. “You forgot about me Dean.”

 

Anger flashes through Dean’s eyes. “Oh yeah, you’re right, sorry”

 

I’m uncomfortable and remove my hand from Lucifer’s and place my opposite hand on Dean’s knee.

 

“Need me to jog your memory?” Lucifer says before he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me into a kiss. Then all of a sudden I feel my hand slip off of Dean’s leg and a loud thud. I look over to Dean to see him standing up, fuming. “What’s your problem?” Lucifer asks the red faced Dean with a small smirk.

 

“Would you excuse me?” Dean steps away from the table and gives me a look that practically demands me to fallow.

 

I stand up. “Would you excuse me too please?” I say to the group with a small smile that I hope says ‘sorry’ and fallow Dean out of the kitchen and into the bathroom.

 

He shuts the door and pins me to it with one hand on my shoulder with brute force. “How can you let him do that?” He tries to yell while whispering, bringing his face close to mine.

 

I try to get away from his grasp but can’t and end up making him tighten his grip. “Last I knew you are kissing up and fucking Lisa all the time, so what’s the problem?” I can’t help myself but make a smart ass comment.

 

His grip tightens on me and it’s starting to really hurt now. “That’s…” He pauses. “Don’t bring that up. You know the reason.”

 

“But it’s the same isn’t it?” I ask. Again his grip tightens.

 

He looks outraged and I’m afraid he’s going to hit me. “He’s really pissing me off Cas.”

 

He pushes harder against me and I know I’ll have a black and blue later. “Dean you’re hurting me.”

 

His face falls at my quivering words and he lets me go. “I’m sorry.”

 

I’m not quite sure what to say so I decide on the first thing that comes to mind. “Just ignore him.”

 

He scratches his head and backs up a little. “It’s hard to ignore.”

 

I think for a bit, kiss his lips, then say. “Please try. I know you don’t like the guy but he is my friend. And anyways, if you ignore him, he’ll probably stop messing with you.” I kiss his lips again. “I love you and only you.”

 

“Your lips taste like Devil.” Dean says then kisses my lips too.

 

I fake a smile, open the door and go back to the dinner table.

 

“Is Dean okay?” Bobby asks me as I sit down.

 

I sigh. “Yeah it’s just…” I’m not sure what to tell them.

 

Lucifer decides to help me out. “Dean doesn’t like me much because he doesn’t like how I pick on him.”

 

“So you and Castiel aren’t dating?” John asks.

 

“Correcto.” Lucifer says.

 

John looks around. “Is he coming back?”

 

I shrug.

 

“I’ll go find the boy.” Bobby begins getting up.

 

“No need.” Dean says as he comes back into the room. He sits back down and begins eating again, and for the rest of dinner he’s completely quiet.

 

Then its dessert time and Dean perks up a little. He even says a few words, which is a miracle.

 

Dean of course has three pieces of pie. He takes a forkful and holds it up to my lips. “Try it. You haven’t had any yet.”

 

I blink at him. “You’re going to feed me?”

 

He gives me a cheeky smile. John notices and comments on our actions. “What are you two doing?”

 

Dean gives him a sideways glance. “Feeding my best friend.” He looks back at me as I take a bite of pie. “Good?”

 

“Very good.” I tell him, swallowing.

 

John continues to stare. “You two look like you’re in love.”

 

“Maybe we are.” Dean gives him another sideways glance with a mischievous smirk.

 

John starts laughing, Sam is smiling, and Bobby is eyeing John like he’s crazy. “Yeah right son. Good one. Like you of all people would be a fag.”

 

There’s a stab at my heart with that one little word and Dean’s smirk disappears immediately. “Dad, do you realize what you just said?” Dean asks the man.

 

John looks Dean in the eyes. “Well no son of mine is going to be a wuss.”

 

“Dad!” Dean stands up and motions to me with his hand while I just stare at the table.

 

Realization seems to settle into John’s face and he goes on to say, “Jeez Castiel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“It’s fine.” I say, trying to control my voice and not looking up.

 

“That was a great thing to say Dad.” Dean shakes his head. “Brilliant thinking.” He nods in sarcastic approval.

 

“Look Castiel, I’m sorry.” John tells me once more and Dean looks away angrily.

 

“It’s fine.” I tell him again.

 

John clears his throat and gets up to start cleaning the table. As he walks by me he pats my shoulder. Bobby gets up as well to help.

 

“You okay?” Dean asks me.

 

I force a chuckle. “I wish people would stop asking me that.”

 

“Sorry.” He says.

 

I sigh. “I wish people would stop saying that to me too.” He just stares not knowing what to say. “People keep asking me if I’m okay and saying they’re sorry to me as if I’m going to break any minute.”

 

“That’s because we care about you.” Chuck’s voice comes from the other side of the table.

 

“Yeah but I’m not so fragile that I’m going to break any moment. I can keep it somewhat together.” I tell them.

 

Dean rests his head in his hand, elbow on the table. “Yeah but my dad was out of line.”

 

I look softly at him, wanting to kiss him but Sam was still in the room watching our conversation. “Thank you for caring.” We stare at each other for a long time, losing ourselves in each other’s eyes. I want to kiss him really bad.

 

John comes back into the room. “Time for presents boys.”

 

We all shuffle into the living room where the fake Christmas tree is up, colored lights and ornaments all over its body. Angel perched on top. Presents under the tree.

 

John and Bobby start handing out the almost perfectly wrapped gifts. I hand Chuck his from me and he hands me his. I watch him open it and smile as I watch his face turn into shock as he sees what I got him.

 

“Wow Castiel! This is… gorgeous! It must have cost a fortune.” Chuck says with a big grin.

 

“It was no big deal.” I tell him then begin opening mine. I try to act excited but it’s harder than expected. Once I got it all unwrapped I take a good look at it. It is a black blanket with white lettering that reads ‘Friends Forever’. A small smile forms on my lips. “Thanks Chuck, it’s perfect.”

 

Dean’s present is next to be handed out. He opens it delicately and when he sees what it is a huge smile appears on his face that warms my overly cold heart. “Cas this is…” He chuckles. “awesome. I can’t wait to put it together and put it in my room. Thank you.” I love the smile he gives me when he looks up at me.

 

“I wanted it to be special.” I go to open Dean’s present to me. What he picked for me was a dog tag with a cross on it. People may think that that is a weird gift but to me it is perfect. I’ve been wanting one for a long time. I love it. And besides, just getting it from Dean makes it special. A smile forms on my face. “I love it.” If I wanted to kiss him before, well now I really want to kiss his perfect lips. I settle for a hug instead, a very long hug.

 

Next is our wonderful Lucifer’s gift. Lucifer opens his excitedly. He smiles big. “An angel?”

 

I smile back at him. “I thought you deserved one.”

 

He hands me his to me. “Well then I guess great minds think alike.”

 

I open it with a little more enthusiasm than with the other’s, which surprises me because shouldn’t I be more enthusiastic for Dean’s gift to me than Lucifer’s?

 

I look at it. It’s an angel statue, like what I got Lucifer, except a different angel and a different scene. A big grin forms on my face. Even bigger than the one I showed for Dean’s. “Thanks Lucifer.” I look it over. I look up to Dean and my smile fades when I see him starring at Lucifer with murderous hatred. I swallow. “D-Dean, what’s wrong?”

 

He clenches his fist into tight balls and I’m once again afraid he’s going to punch me or more than that, punch the living shit out of Lucifer. “Nothing.” He growls out through clenched teeth.

 

I don’t pester him any further, not wanting to upset him anymore than he is.

 

The rest of the day is awkward and by the time it is time for Dean to bring the three of us ‘home’, I’m completely and utterly uncomfortable and anxious. The ride back to the hospital is quiet, tension think in the air. We get back to the room and Lucifer enters while we say good bye to Chuck.

 

Dean stops me before I get into the room. He pins me to the wall with his body and starts kissing me, tongue entering into my mouth before I have the chance to stop him.

 

After our little make out session Dean pulls away and leans his forehead on mine. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.”

 

I smile. “Trust me, me too.”

 

He kisses my lips again then my forehead and leaves with a quick good bye. I enter the shared room and fall onto my bed with a smile. Lucifer is already in bed so I decide not to bother him. For the first time in a long time, sleep comes to me easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everybody.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Habits die hard I’m afraid which means… Cas is back to his old ways, except when it comes to self harm, it may be worse this time around. I will say the way Cas describes the way he wants the cut is graphic so if you are sensitive to that kind of stuff I would skip to the part where “Dean” comes into it. (Just as a warning) This is also my first time ever writing anything this graphic with someone being turned on and someone turning them on so please be gentle. I know it’s not the greatest. Thank you.

**Chapter 14:**

 

I wake with another nightmare except instead of my blood I’m drowning in, it is Dean’s. I’m sitting in bed, panting hard, heart racing. Sweat is beaded on my skin making me feel cold. I feel sick.

 

I look over to where Lucifer sleeps, seeing that he is still fast asleep. Then I notice that it is still dark out so I look at the clock. It reads 2:30 in the morning. I’ve only had five hours of sleep but I feel wide awake.

 

I swing my heavy, soaked body out of bed and into the shower, a very cold shower. As I step into the shower and turn on the water, the chilling water hits my skin causing goose bumps to form. I lean my back against the white tiled wall, water cooling my body till I’m shaking from the cold.

 

I turn the knob towards hot so the water will be warmer. The goose bumps slowly fade and the water drips down my naked body. I’m finally starting to feel the effects of sleepiness. I’m starting to get a little dizzy and I can’t help but look down at my arms, at the multiple scars that are there.

 

Memories of yesterday fill my thoughts and the worst ones stick out the most, especially the one with John about Dean being gay. A sting enters my heart and I look to my shoulder to see a huge black and blue where Dean was grabbing me. I touch it gently only to pull away as it starts to throb under the touch.

 

I never knew Dean to be so violent to the people he’s in a relationship with. Sure if he had to he’d punch the life out of you if you made him angry, but with all the record breaking girls and sluts he’s been with, he’s never laid a finger on them to hurt them. That’s why it surprises me now that he did to me, that instead of taking his anger out on the one person he should have taken it out on, he takes it out on me, and that scares me. I start wondering if this’ll happen again or if Dean learned his lesson yesterday.

 

I let the warm water sooth the black and blue on my shoulder and I go back to looking at the scars on my arms and that’s when the urge happens. It hasn’t happened in such a long time that I don’t recognize it at first but then, after trying to figure it out, it comes to me.

 

I have the urge to cut myself, and cut deep. To let the blood ooze out of the slash and drip off my arm and down the drain. To feel it pooling on the edge of the gash before it slips away into oblivion called the pipes. To feel the pure joy and ecstasy from the pain. To have the sure pain make me feel like I’m in heaven and I’m so tempted to find something, anything to just rip into my flesh and cause me beautiful pain. I want it and I want it oh so very bad.

 

That’s why I can’t stop myself from briefly stepping out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist, going to my night stand, grabbing the dog tag Dean gave me, going back to the bathroom, throwing the towel on the floor, and stepping in the shower once more.

 

I position the dog tag on my right arm. It’s not very sharp but the duller it is, the more it’ll hurt, which in my opinion is perfect. I want it to hurt and I want it to hurt so bad that I have a hard time not screaming out in pain. I don’t want it to be a clean cut like a sharp object would make, no that wouldn’t hurt enough. I want this to hurt like hell. I want the rip in my arm to bleed like there’s no tomorrow, like my life depends on how much blood my heart pumps out of my body. The beautiful sight of blood, my blood.

 

So dog tag in hand I press down hard and at first I thought it was too dull to even break the skin but I press even harder and eventually I see the red, thick liquid that I love so much flow out of my arm, getting washed up from the water.

 

And I was right, it hurts like hell and I have to bite the bottom of my lip hard to stop myself from whimpering loudly, although low whimpers do escape my mouth.

 

The feeling that I have from the pain sores through my entire body and I feel like I’m in heaven. I feel so good that it’s almost as if I’m dead already.

 

I watch as red mixes with clear and when I look up there stands the one person I want the most. Dean, and he is completely… naked. I mean full frontal bareness. Nothing on at all, nothing, nada. Completely in the nude.

 

I blink a few times wondering what in the world is Dean doing in the shower with me and how the hell did he get into a locked room. I conclude that this is just a hallucination from the searing pain in my arm, the cut now stinging as the water hits it.

 

“I’ve gone crazy.” I say to myself as I watch the fake Dean walk up to me, our bodies close, and oh how it feels so real like he’s actually here and I’m just getting really turned on by a naked Dean, wet and dripping.

 

I try not to look at a certain place but I can’t help it and my eyes start wandering downwards and oh gosh am I starting to feel really dirty even in a shower. I wish the real Dean was here but the real one would never do this in a million years and our bodies are almost touching and I can feel the electricity jump from me to him, him to me.

 

And then the hallucination speaks, which takes me by surprise because I didn’t think it would. His face is close to mine and I’m pinned against the wall where the knob is for the shower. “Hey Cas, aren’t you looking hot today.”

 

Those words almost make me lean in to this fake image of Dean and kiss the hell out of him but I’m not that out of it to do something so stupid. Instead I say to it, “You are not real because the real Dean would not do this at our relationship stage.”

 

And the image smirks at me, like really smirks at me. “But you want him to.”

 

My breathing is heavy and I’m fighting to think of words and not get distracted by the thing in front of me, or more than that, the thing in between fake Dean’s legs. “Yeah I-I-I do, but… um… he… he…”

 

Fake Dean brings his finger up to my lips. “Shh.” He leans in so his mouth is just barley touching my ear and whispers very seductively. “I want our bodies to be pressed together, hot and sweaty. Our dicks rubbing toge-“ I have to cut him off because I’m afraid if I let him finish I’m going to explode.

 

“Okay.” I laugh nervously. “Th-th-that’s enough of… um… th-that. T-t-time for you go.” I laugh nervously again.

 

“Why when you want the same thing so bad?” It says seductively.

 

I think I’m about to explode when there is knock at the door and I turn to it. “Y-yeah?”

 

Lucifer’s voice comes from the other side. “What the hell are you taking a shower at 3:30 in the morning for?”

 

_I’ve been in here for an hour already?”_ I think to myself as I look back to fake Dean only to find him gone. I look down and I was right, I’m completely turned on. I turn the knob to cold and yelp out when the icey coldness hits me. “S-s-sor-r-y Lu-u-cif-f-er. I c-couldn’t s-s-sleep.” I say teeth chattering.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks as he here’s my voice.

 

“Just a l-l-little cold.” I tell him.

 

“Turn the water to warm you idiot.” He says then I hear him shuffle back to bed.

 

Instead of taking him up on that offer I turn the water off and get out of the shower, wrapping myself up in a towel. I turn back to the shower and rinse all the blood away that dripped onto the floor of the shower and I wash the blood off of the dog tag. I wash the cut on my arm with soap and warm water, noticing that I cut a little deeper than intended which would explain why I’m out of it now. Luckily it has stopped bleeding and all I have to do is get rid of the evidence and act as if I’m not in pain.

 

I go to open the door but stop when I feel lips on my right ear and hear a whisper. “If you want Dean to do that to you, then go and get it.”

 

I shake my head to clear it, and walk out of the bathroom, still clutching my precious dog tag.

 

…

 

A week has gone by since I’ve seen Dean, or fake Dean for that matter, but today I know I’ll see him because today is Lucifer’s father’s funeral. I want to see Dean so bad that it’s getting to the point where whenever I think of Dean I end up thinking of fake Dean in the shower.

 

The cut that I made on my arm ended up getting infected and that was really hard to explain to the nurses. I ended up telling them that I tripped trying to get to bed and my arm hit my nightstand cutting it. It was a good thing that I used something dull because they seemed to believe me because of how rough it was instead of the fine line of something sharp. I just hope Dean believes me too.

 

I also hope that once he walks into this room I don’t end up flashing back to him naked in the shower with me and jump his bones before he even has a chance to say good morning.

 

Dean finally arrives around 8:35, walking into the room with a knock. Before he gets to say anything and to stop myself from pouncing on him right there and then, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Wow Dean you’re looking really hot.”

 

He smiles in confusion and comes up to me to kiss me but stops before he hits my lips, teasing me. “What makes you say that?”

 

I lean in to kiss him only to get a hand in my face to stop me. I whimper a little in disappointment but answer his question. “I figured I’d boost your ego.” I try to kiss him again.

 

Dean stops me again and this time a make a face in frustration. “What makes you think my ego needs boosting?”

 

“Doesn’t it?” I say and this time I don’t attempt a kiss.

 

“No.” He smiles at me.

 

I smile back. “You sure?”

 

Dean chuckles and shakes his head. “Haha, cute Cas, very funny.” He is the one to lean in for a kiss this time but I stop him.

 

“Nope, it’s too late for a kiss. You lost your chance.” I turn my head away from him, fighting a smirk creeping onto my face.

 

Dean frowns at me and tries his best at puppy dog eyes.

 

I lean in and give him a quick kiss on the noise. “You don’t have as good of a puppy dog look as Sam does.” I smile at him.

 

“What kind of kiss was that?” He asks, trying to kiss my lips again.

 

I reach up and grab both his cheeks, playfully pushing him away. “You’re lucky you got that.”

 

Dean huffs, straightens up, and crosses his arms in playful pouting. “Fine.”

 

I laugh a little, get up and kiss his lips tenderly. “Better?”

 

He smiles at me. “Much.”

 

“Get a room you two.” We both turn to see Lucifer walk into the room. “I’m going to go get Chuck. I just came to see if Dean was here yet and tell you Michael will be here soon.” Lucifer’s voice isn’t as peppy as it normally is.

 

“Well isn’t someone happy.” Dean says to Lucifer.

 

Lucifer glares at him and harshly says, “Shut up.”

 

“No witty come back?” Dean asks in surprise.

 

“Don’t worry Dean; Lucifer is just angry because Michael is coming.” I reassure Dean.

 

Lucifer glares at me next. “You’re sticking up for him this time?”

 

I shrug and look as innocent as possible. “Hey I stick up for the people the way I see fit depending on the situation.”

 

He looks angrily at me. “No, I think you are sticking up to him because he is your boyfriend.”

 

After all the times I’ve stuck up for Lucifer, him saying that kind of hurts. “Half boyfriend.” I correct him.

 

Dean flinches then turns to me confused and shocked. “Half?

 

I turn to him and try to keep the best straight face as possible. “You’re still dating Lisa aren’t you?”

 

Dean looks completely lost for words and has no clue what to say to that. I turn back to Lucifer and nod while mouthing, “Half boyfriend.”

 

Honestly sticking it to Dean feels really good. I want him to know how much it bothers me that he is still dating Lisa on top of me dating him but I don’t want to just come out and say it; I want to show him subtly.

 

Lucifer mumbles a ‘whatever’ and leaves. Dean is about to say something, I’m guessing about the whole Lisa thing, but I cut if off by saying, “I fell earlier this week and cut my arm on my nightstand. It got infected so the nurses gave me antibiotics and pain killers.” I don’t look him in the eyes all of a sudden feeling guilty about bringing Lisa up and calling Dean my _half_ boyfriend. _What the hell was I thinking?_ I think as Dean says something that I don’t hear. “What was that?”

 

Dean sighs. “I said, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

I shift my weight to my left foot. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

 

Dean’s face softens and he grabs the back of my head to pull me forward and kiss my forehead. Then he leans his forehead on mine and looks me in the eyes. “When it comes to you being hurt, you can bother me Cas. In fact anytime you want to just talk, I don’t care how late it is, just call. Except if it is really late then call my cell phone instead of the house phone or else my dad will flip out on you.”

 

“On me?” I ask in innocent surprise giving him my best puppy dog eyes as I can possibly make.

 

Dean smiles and shakes his head. “Not that damn look again.”

 

I smile knowing I’ve got him wrapped around my little, naughty finger. Unfortunately for my amusement, I decide not to be naughty anymore and not to play with Dean. Instead I ask him the question I know he’s dying to ask. “You want to see the cut and make sure it’s okay?”

 

Dean perks up slightly and nods. I lift up my right arm and start unwrapping the bandage that the nurse just barely changed for me, Dean’s eyes never leaving mine with his forehead still pressed to mine. Dean walks a few inches towards me so our bodies are even closer, so we can feel the heat radiating off our bodies and all of sudden I really want to rip Dean’s clothes off and have my way with him.

 

I control myself and breathing and tear my eyes away from his and look down at my unwrapped armed. “There you go.” I say softly then clearing my throat.

 

Dean’s head still doesn’t leave mine but he lowers his gaze to my arm. “Looks bad.” He seems to be trying to control his breathing too.

 

I swallow, my throat dry. “Yeah, well the nurses are… um… taking care of it.” I start wrapping it up.

 

“To bad Michael is coming any minute.” He says out of nowhere, pressing our bodies even closer together.

 

My breath hitches in my throat and I have a hard time speaking. “Why’s that?”

 

Dean kisses my lips, grabbing the back of my head and intertwining his fingers in my hair. He enters his tongue into my mouth, me not even giving up a fight. I try not to moan but Dean is experienced and I can’t hold it back.

 

That seems to be the sign Dean was looking for because he parts our lips and I whimper in protest. “No reason. Although, I like seeing you like this.” He briefly bites my bottom lip then separates our bodies. I don’t like the cold air that hits my body.

 

I am about to walk up to Dean to hug him close to me but before I can someone walks in. I look over to the door to see Michael standing there. Dean smiles at him and I become uneasy. “Hey Michael.” Dean says to the man.

 

“Hey Dean.” Michael says back to Dean then turns to me. “Hey um… what’s your name again, sorry.”

 

_He remembers Dean’s name but not mine?_ I think uneasily. “Castiel.”

 

“Oh yeah you’re the one my little brother calls, what was it? Antelope, Ant…”

 

I look at him in disbelief. “Angel.”

 

Michael smiles. “Right that was it.” He turns back to Dean. “Dean could you show me where the bathroom is?”

 

“You can use ours.” I say quickly.

 

Michael shakes his head. “Thanks but that one is for residents only.”

 

That’s when Dean decides to answer his question. “No problem I’ll show you.”

 

I try to think of something quickly to keep them from being alone. “Then I should go with you.”

 

Dean turns to me. “No you should stay here and wait for the Devil and Chuck.”

 

“But…” That stings my heart and I feel panic and tears rising up from inside me.

 

Dean leans in and kisses my cheek. “Don’t worry I’ll be right back.” Then he and Michael exit the room, leaving me behind.

 

I feel numb. I look down at my wrapped up right arm and fight the urge to cut into it. I also fight back tears.

 

Luckily before I have to chance to crumble and go into the bathroom to make myself bleed Lucifer returns with Chuck. “Where’s that dick?” Lucifer asks me.

 

I look to the floor. “Off with the person who’s trying to steal him from me.” I say quietly.

 

“What?” Lucifer asks, not being able to hear me.

 

“Showing Michael where the bathroom is for ‘visitors’.” I put air quotations around the word visitors and say it with a little more disgust than intended.

 

Neither Lucifer nor Chuck seems to notice. “Oh.” Lucifer says.

 

I look to the door longingly and about two minutes pass before we hear laughing out in the hall, then Dean and Michael walk in cracking up. “What’s so funny?” I ask hesitantly.

 

Dean catches his breath. “Nothing, you had to be there.” He comes up to me and kisses my forehead.

 

Michael then asks, “Everyone ready? Not all of you can fit in my car though. Dean you’re welcome to ride with me if you want.”

 

Dean is about to say something when I cut him off. “Actually I wanted to ride in Dean’s care with him.”

 

Michael looks from me to Dean then back again. “Okay but that means my brother is going to ride with me.”

 

“What?” I hear Lucifer say. I give him a pleading look that says everything. He rolls his eyes and looks back at Michael. “Fine.”

 

I shoot him a thank you look then all of us head out. Once in Dean’s Impala Dean asks before driving out, “What’s wrong with you? Earlier you were so much more happy.”

 

I decide to tell him the truth. “I don’t like that Michael guy.”

 

“You? Not liking _Lucifer’s_ brother? Well that’s a surprise.” Dean laughs as she starts the car up.

 

“I’m serious Dean. I get a bad feeling from him.” I tell him.

 

“Like I have with Lucifer?” Dean says, starting to drive. “Michael seems like a lot better guy than Lucifer.”

 

“I don’t know.” I look out the window.

 

Dean sighs. “Well the way I see it, and I’m not trying to be a dick here, but if you’re allowed to hang out with someone I have a bad feeling about then I have a right to hang out with someone you have a bad feeling about.”

 

I look at him suddenly. “You’re planning on hanging out with him?”

 

Dean glances at me. “He did ask me to hang out on the way to the bathroom and I said maybe.”

 

I don’t argue any more. I know it’s pointless. Instead I just go back to looking out the window fighting tears.

 

The rest of the way to the funeral home is spent in silence, Dean glancing at me every once in awhile. We pull into a parking space and Dean turns off the engine before unbuckling and turning to me. “If you don’t want me hanging out with Michael then I won’t okay?”

 

He is making me feel bad now. “No it’s fine. You had a point. It’s probably nothing anyways.”

 

Dean slightly smiles. “Okay.” He kisses my cheek because I’m not facing him, then gets out of the car. I fallow soon after.

 

The funeral is quick, the only person crying so far is Lucifer’s mother who Lucifer insists on avoiding.

 

Chuck and I are talking to a family member when I look around to find Lucifer. I see Dean talking to Lucifer’s mother surprisingly and Michael talking to an Uncle I think but no Lucifer in sight.

 

I excuse myself and walk into another room to see Lucifer sitting in a chair, small, quiet sobs coming from him.

 

I walk up to him, put my hand on his shoulder and kneel down and just comfort him with my presence instead of words. After awhile Lucifer calms down and turns to look at me, eyes red and puffy. “You know, you’re the first person I’ve ever cried in front of before.” He tries to smile but fails.

 

“I’m honored.” I say to him, giving him a sympathetic look. “You going to be okay?”

 

“You were right.” He says.

 

“About what?” I have a clue about what he’s talking about but decide to ask anyway.

 

It takes Lucifer a little time before he responds. “About loving my father. I do love him.”

 

I nod. “Then tell him.”

 

He bites his bottom lip briefly. “How?”

 

I sigh. “Pray.”

 

Lucifer looks at me for a little longer then tilts his head down. “Dad, can you hear me? If you can I just wanted to say I’m sorry and that I love you.”

 

“Feel better?” I ask when he finishes.

 

He nods then gets up. I get back up with him. “I think I’ll talk to my mother.”

 

I smile at him then we begin to leave. We barley make it into the other room when Lucifer stops. “What’s Dean doing with my brother?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sucks badly. The quality of it is horrid and I feel like it is fast paced. I tried going back to it and fixing things, trying to make it flow a little better, but just couldn’t manage too and maybe (I hope not) made it a little worse. Honestly this is my least favorite chapter when it comes to quality. I do apologize.
> 
> Even so I hope you like it anyway if you can get past the poor quality; I promise the quality will be better in the next chapter. (I think it’s so bad because I had things I wanted to put into it but just didn’t know how to fit it in. I’ve already pushed an idea that I wanted a while back away saying I’ll put it the next chapter but never do. :( ) Anyways please try to enjoy.

**Chapter 15:**

 

When Lucifer mentions Dean my worst thoughts come to mind like; _Dean can’t be kissing Michael, not with me in the room at least, right?_ Somehow I can’t convince myself that Dean would wait until I was gone.

 

My worries are subsided when I look over to where Lucifer is looking. He is right; there is Dean with his brother.

 

I remember I thought Michael wasn’t that bad looking when he first walked into the room but now he’s just the ugliest person on the planet and him standing too close to Dean for my liking, laughing it up like they’re buddy buddy doesn’t sit right with me.

 

Anger engulfs my whole being and I march right over to them, Lucifer sensing the anger and asks if he I’m okay. I just tell him to go talk to his mom and not wanting me to get angry with him to, finally goes to talk to his mother.

 

I try to stay calm as I walk over and stand there waiting for them to notice me. I have to stay calm because I told Dean that it was okay for him to hang out with someone who is God knows how much older than he is. I clear my throat to get their attention because it seems like they’re not going to notice me otherwise. “Hey.” I say as calmly as possible.

 

But Dean knows me and he knows the signs of me trying to hide how angry I am. “Hey.” He says back to me warily.

 

“Hello there Cas.” Michael says to me and that outrages me.

 

Dean puts his arm on my shoulder and leans into me before I can lunge at this Michael person and claw at his throat. “My boyfriend here only allows me and my brother to call him that. Unless you want to get your face punched, I suggest you stop calling him Cas.” Dean tells _Michael_ with a fucking smile!

 

Everything about this situation is pissing me off so I shrug Dean’s arm off angrily and say not so calmly, “I’ll be in the car.” and walk out of the building, the cool air of winter chilling my overly heated skin.

 

I don’t know how long I sit in the car angry but I think the coolness of the air helps because I slowly come down from my anger. Now I just sit there waiting for Dean to come out and drive me back to that hell hole so I can do anything to distract myself from the nagging sensation of wanting to cut into my skin.

 

I self consciously reach up to the dog tag and start playing with it, twisting at it and pulling it, and every single twist and pull a thought pops in the back of my head to just rip it off my neck and bear down on my arm to create that one feeling that I can survive on, that I can count on.

 

I don’t have to wait long before Dean comes out and gets into the driver’s seat. He glances at me and pulls out of the space and onto the road before he says anything. “What took me so long was talking to Lucifer about bringing you home.”

 

I huff a laugh. “What home?”

 

“Okay the hospital.” Dean says keeping his eyes on the road.

 

I just look out the window, anger forming in my chest once more. “And I thought you were just in there smooching on Michael.”

 

“Smooching? The dude is twenty Cas that would be illegal.” Dean tells me, glancing at me for a second before going back to watching the road.

 

“Hasn’t stopped you before.” I say and for the rest of the drive back ‘ _home_ ’, we’re in complete silence.

 

We enter my room and Dean gets a phone call. “Hello?” he answers giving me his famous ‘we’ll talk later’ face. “What? How?” I hear Dean ask whoever is on the other line and I fear that something may have happened to Sam or his Dad, or even Bobby for that matter. “Okay I’ll be right there.” He hangs up. “Cas I have to go.”

 

“Wait what’s wrong?” I ask before he has a chance to leave.

 

My worries are wasted and honestly, I couldn’t have hoped more that it would be a family member in danger if I knew what he was going to say. “Lisa got into a car accident. I guess she’s okay with minor injuries but I have to go and see her.”

 

I never knew my heart could drop to the other side of the world in a split second. “But she’s fine, why do you have to go?”

 

“Because I care about her Cas. We’ll talk later okay?” He says then turns to leave.

 

“So you’re just going to leave me?” I ask before he has a chance to walk out the door.

“She is my ‘half’ girlfriend, I have to at least act the part.” He uses my words against me and I flinch.

 

I look at him pleadingly. “But Dean, can’t we talk about Michael? I need to tell you something.”

 

“I said we’ll talk later okay Cas? I really have to go.” He says then leaves.

 

I’m dismayed at the thought of Dean going to Lisa. _I have two people trying to steal him away from me. How am I supposed to compete with that?_ I think in discouragement.

 

I again self consciously reach up to the dog tag and start twisting it in my hand, pacing the floor to do anything to distract myself.

 

I stop pacing in front of the bathroom door. I stare at it for a long time before entering and closing the door behind me with a click of the lock.

 

I take the dog tag off my neck and unwrap my bandaged arm. I put the dog tag on the slit of the infected cut, red around the red line. I debate with myself before deciding the hell with it and bear down on the open wound.

 

I don’t drag the dog tag along the cut, I just keep it in that one spot, pushing down until I can see red liquid run out around the tag where I press.

 

The cut being already infected, this hurts a lot but I don’t care because the pain is making me feel really good.

 

I continue pressing down, allowing the blood to plop into the sink, and lean my head on the sink counter in ecstasy. I moan out in pain and pleasure mixed in one.

 

I spring upright when I hear the door open. “Castiel, you here?” I hear Chuck yell out into the room.

 

“I’m in the bathroom, be right out.” I yell to them from my place in the bathroom. I clean up the mess I made quickly and wrap my arm back up, the wound still bleeding.

 

I exit the small room to see Chuck sitting on my bed, shuffling through some papers and Lucifer looking out the window. Then Lucifer turns to me. “Where’s Dean?”

 

I don’t really want to tell them but I do anyway. “He had to go see Lisa; she got into a car accident. She’s okay though.”

 

“Bummer.” Lucifer says then looks back out the window.

 

I don’t know if he said that because of Lisa getting into the accident or because Dean couldn’t stay with me and I decide not to ask.

 

I go to bed that night restless and in pain, my arm burning up.

 

…

 

_“I hate you Cas! I don’t ever want to see you again.” Dean yells at me._

_“But Dean.” I beg but don’t get very far in my attempts._

_He looks at me angrily, eyes black almost like a demon’s. “No buts Cas. I’m leaving you for Michael and never breaking up with Lisa.” He starts walking away._

_I run up to him, grab around him and pull him close to hug his back. “Don’t go.”_

_“Get the hell off me you disgusting piece of shit! I don’t love you so go die already.” Dean yells in my face, pushing me off._

_Tears are streaming down my face. “But I’m alive for you, because of you.” I tell him, desperate to keep him here._

_“Then don’t be.” Dean pulls out a knife and grabs my wrist._

_“Let go of me.” I try to pull away but Dean is too strong._

_“I’ll kill you myself then.” He cuts into my wrist and I scream out in pain._

_“Please stop.” I cry out and try to pull away again with no avail._

_“We all want you dead.” Dean says as he grabs my other wrist and cuts into that one._

_I scream out in pain once again._

I bolt upright, dizzy, light headed and confused. The room is spinning and I don’t know where I am, sweat is drenching my body and I’m breathing heavily. I feel like I’m burning up.

 

I jump off the bed quickly, knocking down a few things on my night stand in the process, and stumble to the bathroom, the room still spinning. I lift the toilet seat up and puke into it, falling to my knees for the fact that I’m too unbalanced to stay standing.

 

I puke again before I hear a concerned Lucifer. “Angel you okay? What’s wrong?”

 

I can’t seem to catch my breath and I’m overly hot. “Nurse Lucifer, get a nurse.” I say urgently while I puke once again into the toilet.

 

Hearing the urgency in my voice, Lucifer rushes away to find a night shift nurse. My right arm feels like the hottest part on my body so I unwrap it to let it get some air. I look at the cut and puke at the sight.

 

It’s slightly bleeding but there is also pus oozing out of the spot I had the dog tag earlier.

 

I moan in discomfort as I rest my forehead on the toilet seat rim, the coolness of it feeling good.

 

Not long after Lucifer leaves he’s back with a nurse. It’s a young guy and he comes and kneels beside me. “Hey what’s wrong?” He asks quietly and soothingly, gentle like and places his hand on my back, rubbing circles into it.

 

I shake my head against the toilet rim, tears that I tried to hold in up to now escaping my eyes.

 

“Hey it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Let me take a look at your arm okay?” he grabs my arm carefully. “That doesn’t look to good.”

 

“It’s infected. The nurses have been giving him some antibiotics.” Lucifer says from his place in the doorway.

 

The nurse nods. “Okay. Hey what’s your name?” His voice is still gentle.

 

“Castiel.” I whimper out. By now I’m shaking from the pain and heat. “It hurts really badly.” I sniffle, tears still coming.

 

“I know. You just hang in there okay? I’ll be right back; I need to get your chart. It won’t take too long, I promise.” He rubs circles into my back one more time before he gets up and leaves.

 

Lucifer takes his place in rubbing my back as I puke stomach acid once more, my body convulsing under the strain.

 

The nurse is back within minutes with another female nurse, clipboard in hand. “Okay Castiel, my name is Josh and this is Katie. We’re going to bring you to the nurse’s office now okay?”

 

I don’t even look up, the room starting to spin again. Josh helps me up by one arm and he and Katie guide me to the nurse’s office, Lucifer fallowing close behind.

 

They lay me in a bed and begin treatment. They first give me something to bring down my fever then some pain medication. “We can’t give you anything for the infection until your fever comes down okay Castiel?” Josh tells me but I barely hear it from drowsiness.

 

I slightly nod before drifting off into a painful sleep.

 

…

 

I wake up to one of the nurses saying my name. I open my eyes, vision blurry at first. I blink a few times and look around. “Good news Angel, you can go back to our room now.” I look at Lucifer questioningly. _So soon?_ I think as the nurse helps me up.

 

Once up she tells me, “Your fever has gone down and we have started treating the infection with a higher dose of antibiotics. I think we got to you just in time.”

 

“What do you mean?” I ask her once I find my voice.

 

“You almost got blood poisoning sweetie. You’re lucky.” She looks at me, worry throughout her face.

 

I stare at her in disbelief. Lucifer nudges me along, saying the nurse has other patients to see too.

 

I feel weak but I’m able to get to the room on my own. Once there a flash of color runs up to me and wraps their arms around me. “Chuck?” I ask apprehensively.

 

“I’m so glad you’re okay Castiel. I thought we lost you for a minute there.” He mumbles into my shoulder in urgent need to get it all out. “I don’t know what I would have done if you died.”

 

“Same here Angel.” Lucifer says next, which makes me turn my head towards him as I wrap my arms around Chuck’s small, fragile body. “You really helped me and Chuck get a little better.” His lips go up in a half smile. “Hell, you’re the reason why Chuck and I are friends now. I used to just pick on him and he used to just use me as material for his stories but ever since you showed up and became friends with both of us, Chuck and I have become friends.”

 

I’m completely shocked. Honestly I always thought Chuck and Lucifer were friends before I came here, they sure act like it at least. I pat Chuck’s back and say to him, “Thank you Chuck.” and we both let go. I walk over to my bed, feeling weak.

 

Lucifer and Chuck come to stand in front of me. “So when you going to tell Dean about this whole situation?” Lucifer asks me.

 

“Never.” I say looking down at the floor.

 

“What? Why?” Chuck asks in surprise. “You almost died, don’t you think he should know?”

 

I shrug still looking at the ground. “But I didn’t die. Honestly I just don’t think it’s a big enough deal to tell him.”

 

“You almost dying isn’t a big enough reason?” Lucifer asks me.

 

I rub my face, feeling exhausted. “You guys don’t understand and I can’t make you understand. Just please don’t tell him.” I plead.

 

“Fine.” Lucifer finally says and Chuck nods, looking worried.

 

I lie down on my side and close my eyes. It’s not that I don’t want Dean to know, it’s just that I don’t want him to worry about me on top of us fighting about the slut Lisa and the dreaded man whore Michael all the time.

 

…

 

I don’t know how long I’m asleep for before I hear a quiet knock. I yawn and rub my eyes. “Come in.” I say to the intruder.

 

It happens to be Dean. “Hey I wasn’t sure if you were asleep. Sorry I woke you.” He comes over and sits on my bed.

 

“It’s fine.” I tell him wrapping my arms around him.

 

“Hey what’s wrong?” Dean asks with a chuckle.

 

I squeeze him tight, burying my face in his shoulder. “We didn’t get to spend New Year together because you were with Lisa.” _And I was puking up my insides with a possible blood poisoning._ I think.

 

Dean sighs. “I know but that’s why I’m here now and later I’m…” He trails off.

 

“What?” I ask him curiously. I shouldn’t have.

 

“I don’t think you want to know.” Dean says looking at anything but me.

 

“You should tell me anyway. I’m sure I can handle it.” I tell him. Again, I shouldn’t have pushed.

 

Dean glances at me but doesn’t continue to look. “Michael invited me to a party.”

 

_Not him again._ I think, displeased. “Did he say you can bring someone?” I ask, trying not to get angry.

 

Dean looks to the floor. “He said invites only.”

 

My arms drop from where I’m holding onto Dean. “Oh invites only, of course.” I say with a fake smile, obviously pissed.

 

“Cas you know I would invite you if I could right?” Dean asks me.

 

“Right, I just thought you’d invite your slut Lisa.” I say trying not to show how pissed I really am.

 

Dean looks angry. “Don’t you call her that. This is why I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew you would get angry.”

 

I shake my head, not being able to horribly hide my anger any longer. “Well she is a slut Dean.”

 

The thing that comes next is something I wasn’t expecting. All of a sudden there is pain shot through my face from something hitting it. I fall down to the floor from the blow, holding onto the bed with all my strength. I first I didn’t know what hit me hard and out of nowhere until the next blow came in contact with my jaw, then I knew it was Dean’s fist. “I said don’t call her that!” A third punch.

 

I don’t realize I’m crying until I hear the pained whimpers coming from my throat. “Dean stop.” Another punch. “Please stop. Stop it please Dea-“ And another. “I’m sorry. Please stop.” I feel like I’m telling my mother to stop and that I’m sorry whenever she would hit me all over again. “I’m sorry please.” Another blow never comes after I plead for the last time, my face throbbing and swollen.

 

I stare at him in astonishment. I’m shaking, whether from shock or fear, I don’t know. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask looking up at him. “Punching my face in just because I called your little girlfriend a slut.”

 

“I said don’t call her that.” He growls out.

 

I can feel blood dripping out of my nose and a cut on my lip. “So you decide to hit me?”

 

Dean looks at me angrily. “You know what, I’m not going to stand here arguing with you. I’m leaving.”

 

“Where are you going now?” I ask but not sure if I want to know.

 

“You know Michael asked me to hang out with him before the party but I declined him, telling him I couldn’t because I wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend. Sometime this turned out to be and I guess my plans have changed.” He tells me.

 

I stare at him. “Of course he wants to hang out with you.” I finally manage to stand up.

 

“I’m not going to do anything with him Cas. He’s fucking twenty years old and besides I don’t even like him like that.” He says, turning to me.

 

“Yeah but he does.” I try to make him understand. “He wants to get into your pants Dean, why can’t you see that? Why can’t anybody just see that?”

 

Dean looks as if he can’t believe what he is hearing. “Maybe because you are looking too much into something and anyways, even if he does Cas, I’m not going to cheat on you. Why do you think I will? Do you distrust me that much?”

 

I can’t believe he just asked that. “Oh I don’t know Dean, maybe because, let’s see, you’re still dating Lisa.”

 

“That has nothing to do with it.” He yells.

 

I shake my head in disbelief. “Yes it does, you’re cheating on her with me and cheating on me with her. On top of that Michael is trying steal you from me. How much more do you expect me to take Dean?” I plead, feeling helpless and my face still pounding with pain.

 

Dean squeezes the bridge of his nose in frustration. “This is getting ridiculous. I’m going.”

 

I feel like I’m on the verge of falling apart. “Dean please don’t walk out that door to Michael. Just stay here with me.” A tear escapes one of my eyes. “And if you really want to go then go but just not to Michael, not to him. Please Dean I’m begging you.”

 

Dean looks down at the floor. He somehow looks extremely sad. “I’ll see you later Cas, I just don’t know when.” Then he turns and leaves.

 

_How did everything turn out so bad in just two days?_ I think sadly. “Fine Dean, go off to Michael but if you do don’t come back because we’re done if you go to him! You hear me? We’re done if you go to him!” Tears are rolling down my swollen face. “So don’t come back.” I say more quietly. “Please come back.” I whisper to myself.

 

I continue standing there, watching the doorway intently, hoping, wishing that Dean would walk through that door.

 

I’m still standing there when a nurse knocks and comes in. My tears have already dried up, I’ve wiped the blood off my face, and I feel numb. I don’t hear the nurse ask me something until she says my name. “What?” I ask her in surprise.

 

“I asked if you were okay. I heard yelling and why is your face all bruised and swollen?” She asks in a sweet voice.

 

I think for a second, just staring at her, trying to come up with an excuse as fast as possible. “Oh yeah, the yelling. That was just me and my friend practicing a skit we came up with to perform in front of his family. About my face, you see I was coming back from breakfast and the door was shut for some reason. I didn’t turn the knob all the way on accident so I ended up running into the door.”

 

She looks sympathetic. “Let me go get you some ice.” She leaves momentarily and comes back with a small bag of ice with paper towel around it. “Here you go sweet heart.”

 

“Thanks.” I say and she gives me a smile.

 

She begins to leave but stops at the door. “Good luck with your play sweetie.”

I smile at her kindness. “Thanks and I promise not to run into anymore doors for a while so you don’t have to worry.”

 

She smiles big. “Thanks hun.” And with that she’s gone.

 

I hold the ice up to my face and lay down on my bed.

 

…

 

It’s been a few hours since Dean and I had our fight. I think the swelling in my face has gone down some but it still hurts to touch it. I’m still laying on my bed, drifting in and out of restfulness in the few hours that have passed.

 

I hear shuffling feet by the door but I don’t look up not really caring who is there, it’s most likely Lucifer anyways, though it doesn’t sound like his stride.

 

Someone clears their throat and my eyes shoot open and I bolt upright. There stands Dean, looking at me with apologetic eyes, sadness strewn throughout them. “Dean?” I ask hesitantly.

 

“Hey.” He doesn’t look at me, looks at the floor to his left.

 

I look at the clock and notice the time. “Don’t you have a party to get to?” I ask in a calm voice that isn’t as cold and harsh as I thought it would be. It’s just laced with sadness.

 

He finally looks up to me. “I’m not going to the stupid party Cas and I didn’t go to Michael after I left either. I just kept driving around.”

 

I don’t know if it was the grief in his voice or what but I believe him. I nod. “I believe you.”

 

Dean gives me a sad look. “That looks like it hurts.” He points to my face.

 

I laugh it off. “Don’t worry I told this stupid lie that I ran into the door to a nurse. She gave me some ice.” I hold up the bag of now melted ice.

 

Dean smiles at me but it quickly fades. “I’m sorry Cas, for hitting you. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t even know why I got so angry.”

 

I shoot a smile towards him. “Don’t worry about it Dean.

 

He takes a hesitant step towards me but doesn’t come to close. “So, where do we go from here?”

 

I look at the comforter on by bed and sigh. “I don’t know Dean. Honestly, I’m tired. I’m just so tired of fighting for this relationship, fighting to live.”

 

“What are you talking about?” I can hear the hurt in his voice.

 

I still don’t look at him. “Dean you’re the only reason why I’m alive. Not because I have something live for but because _you_ want me to live. I don’t want to make you sad.” I pause to let everything sink in. “I’m not living because I want you; I’m living because you want me to live. I don’t want to make you sad by dying.”

 

“Does this mean you’re breaking up with me? And what about our friendship? You said it yourself Cas, we can’t just be friends, especially after everything that has happened up to now.” I look up and am surprised to see a tear fall down Dean’s nose.

 

I look away, knowing I won’t have the courage to do this if I continue looking at him. I nod the slightest little bit. “Yeah Dean, I’m breaking up with you.” The words tear and break my heart but they are needed to get the results that I’m hoping Dean will follow through with.

 

I look up to Dean to see him crying. “But…” He begins. I’m afraid he’s going to lose his balance and fall down by the way he’s rocking his body but he soon regains his balance and looks me in the eyes. “I don’t want to lose you Cas. I mean aren’t we supposed to fight for each other because we love each other?”

 

I’m not sure if that was the closest thing I’ll ever have as a confession of love from Dean but don’t press the subject. “Dean, I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t fight for this anymore.”

 

“Cas please…” He trails off again, shutting his eyes to cry then bringing his hand up to wipe the tears away and have them replaced with fresh new ones. “I don’t want to leave you.”

 

“Sometimes you have to lose the one you love to fully live and be happy.” I tell him, again not looking at him because I can’t stand the sight of him crying.

 

“Will you actually, truly be happy without me Cas?” Dean struggles to get out.

 

I glance to the ceiling, tipping my head up oh so slightly then looking to Dean. “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy Dean. Even with you. Sure you help a little but you can’t expect to help the whole deal and besides… all we ever do now is argue.” I look at Dean and there is so much love in his eyes that I can’t help but wonder how in the world did we end up here. “I love you Dean, I really do, it’s just that I can’t do this anymore, I can’t fight anymore. I’m too tired.”

 

Dean looks away from me. He runs his right hand over his lips and chin, dragging down his neck. “Okay Cas. As you wish.” He says before turning to leave.

 

_He’s actually failing the test._ I think to myself in dismay.

 

But my thoughts are put at ease when Dean turns around to stare stubbornly at me. “You know what, no. I’m not just going to let you throw our love and relationship away and especially our friendship because I love you Cas and I’m not going to lose the person I love most in this world.”

 

  1. I think to myself and let Dean continue.



 

“I’m going to fight for our relationship as lovers and if I can’t win that back then I’m going to at least fight for friendship. I’m not going to let you give up on us.” He walks up to me and kisses me fiercely. “Because I love you.” He says again, looking me straight in the eyes, then turns on his heels and leaves.

 

A smile creeps on my bruised face and I ignore the pain it gives off because Dean has passed my test and I’m very excited and interested to see what he’ll throw my way to get me to trust him and not break up our bond together, not that I was going to in the first place.

 

_Bad boy Castiel, playing with Dean’s emotions like that._ I think to myself then hear the inner voice of my subconscious say, _*Very well played my dear Castiel. Good job.*_ and my smile just grows even larger as I lie back down on my bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading. I really appreciate all of you who take the time out of your day to read and/or review.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16:**

 

I don’t know what it is but I keep having nightmares. I go to bed at 9:00PM to try and get more sleep but it doesn’t help because then I just end up waking up even earlier. Then I’m not even able to get back to sleep.

 

The dreams usually start off with Dean on top of me, I’m naked and Dean is in his boxers.

 

Then, as Dean is looking at me, his eyes turn black. Blood begins coming out of his eyes and mouth. I push him back in surprise. He tries to claw at me and I’m trying to keep him off. Then I wake up sweating heavily around 1:00AM and not able to get back to sleep.

 

I’m lying on my bed, eyes closed with exhaustion. Lucifer’s voice breaks through the darkness behind my lidded eyes. “You coming to breakfast?”

 

I nod my head. “I’ll be right there.” I say, sleep almost capturing me.

 

“You’re always resting and up before me. People are going to start thinking you’re nocturnal and get up before the sun rises.” His joking voice breaking the comfortable silence again.

 

I sit up and slowly slide off the bed. “Let’s just go.”

 

After breakfast I go back to our room and lie down on the bed closing my eyes. I’m drifting into unconsciousness when a heavy weight falls on top of me. I grunt under the sudden weight. I open one eye slowly then the other when I see who it is.

 

“Hello and good morning my wonderful, sweetest, most lovable, understanding, not my boyfriend but I’m fighting for it.” Dean says crushing me under his weight.

 

I try pushing him off. “Dean, I can’t… breathe.”

 

He rolls off me to lie next to me. “Sorry my bad.”

 

I sit up. “It’s fine but Dean, what are you doing here? What about school?”

 

He smiles at me. “Fuck school.” He chuckles and reaches over the bed and picks up a folder full of papers. “I brought over the school work you missed. Don’t want you staying back a year or going to summer school.”

 

I look at him stubbornly. “You brought me my school work?”

 

“I brought all the work you’ve missed so far in the past few months.” He smirks at me. “I’ll help you the best I can with the classes I don’t have with you.” He unconsciously kisses my cheek. When he pulls back he looks down at his legs, face flush. “Sorry. I um… wasn’t thinking.”

 

I stop him before he can say anything else. “Dean, it’s okay.” I smile at him.

 

He clears his throat then continues. “I also stole Sam’s laptop.” He chuckles.

 

That’s when I notice what the folder is on, its Sam’s silver laptop.

 

“I was also up all night trying to find ‘our song’.” He goes on to say.

 

“Our song?” I ask a little surprised.

 

Dean nods, turning the laptop on. “Yeah the perfect song for us.”

 

“And what the hell is that?” I ask in curiosity.

 

He laughs. “It’s not really my type of song but I think it goes perfectly for us.”

 

I roll my eyes and nudge him a little with my shoulder. “Just tell me already.”

 

Dean smiles at me shyly. “You’re going to think I’ve lost my mind not picking an oldies rock group.”

 

I sigh. “I’ll give you a kiss if you tell me.”

 

“Not Alone by RED.” Dean says immediately, perking up.

 

I kiss his cheek while Dean types the song on the wonderful world of YouTube with a big ass grin on his face.

 

Dean begins organizing my school work as I become engrossed in the song playing at the moment. As I listen I notice that Dean is right, it goes really well with us but I note that it’s like a song more directed towards me.

 

Dean grabs my attention as I become encased in the song, drowning in the lyrics. “Earth to Cas.” He waves a hand in front of my face.

 

I turn to him. “Sorry what?”

 

He smiles and I really love that smile. “I said I got your math papers all sorted out. We can start with them.”

 

I’ve always been pretty good at math but it’s not my best subject, which happens to be History.

 

“Here.” Dean shoves a paper in my hands. “The teacher copied the notes for you. We should probably look them over first.”

 

The song finally ends as I take the notes. I lean back into the hard pillow with a sigh. My eyes start to droop and Dean studies my face. “You look exhausted. Have you been getting enough sleep?”

 

I almost laugh… almost. “Not exactly.”

 

“Why, what’s wrong?” Instant concern.

 

I sigh again and close my eyes. “I’ve… been having some… nightmares.”

 

“Still? What are they about?” He looks at me concerned.

 

I lean in and kiss his lips roughly. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

 

He looks a little surprised about my kiss but quickly regains his thought. “Why not? It may help.”

 

I look him tenderly in his eyes. “Dean please don’t force me to tell you about a dream?”

 

“Is it really that bad?” He asks.

 

“I just don’t want to talk about it. Please understand.” I plead.

 

He sighs. “How many hours of sleep have you been getting?”

 

I look away from him. “Three to four hours, sometimes even less.” I hesitantly say to him.

 

“That’s it?” He asks surprised. He lifts up his arm over my head. “Come here.” He says sweetly.

 

I snuggle into his body and lay my head on his chest, closing my eyes. “This how you plan to fight for me, by sucking up to me and being incredibly sweet and cute?”

 

“By being there for you.” He tells me as he rests his cheek on the top of my head, and him saying that warms my heart and sleep almost comes as soon as we stop talking.

 

The hallucination, fake Dean comes back in my dream. I know it is the Dean I hallucinated before because this Dean is different than the normal dream Dean. This one acts and talks differently than my normal dreams with Dean in them and he is hot, not that the real Dean isn’t hot because he is but other dreams with my not boyfriend yet, aren’t as sexy.

 

_“Nice to see you again Cas.” Fake Dean says as I stare in disbelief that he’s back, mouth hanging open. Of course he’s naked and my eyes wonder down once again._

_I close my mouth and clear my throat, trying not to melt from the heat building up under my skin. “Hey.”_

_He gives me a half smile. “You look hotter every time I see you.” I almost choke on my own spit._

_“Excuse me?” I ask trying to control my voice, eyebrows raising._

_“In here,” he taps his head, “We can do a whole lot more than we could when you were just hallucinating me.”_

_I swallow, my throat suddenly dry._

_“Do you even know what I want to do to you?” It asks, walking dangerously close to me._

_I try to take a step back but my back hits a wall. “I have a general inkling. You want our bodies pressed together and-” He cuts me off._

_“Oh no I want to do so much more than that now.” He brushes his lips against mine, hardly touching._

_I feel myself turn redder than I know I already am. I can’t seem to form words._

_He leans into my ear, brushing it lightly, and whispers, “I want to touch every inch on your body, devour your essence as we fuck into the night in eternal bliss.”_

_I almost faint from his words and my breathing is becoming uneven._

_He continues. “I want you to scream out my name in beautiful pain as I enter you and fuck you so hard, you won’t be able to sit on your pretty little ass.”_

_I literally feel high off his words._

_Our faces are close. I can feel this fake Dean breath on my lips and I just want to kiss his lips._

_He smirks at me and licks his lips, me fallowing the action with my eyes. “We can have dream sex if you want. Right here, right now.” His eyes are lustful._

_It takes all my strength and courage not to say ‘sure let’s go for it’ and instead say, “As much as that sounds fun, I think I’d rather deflower myself in the real world with the real Dean, thanks.” I clear my throat again._

_He laughs heartedly. “That’s fine I understand, want the real thing first.” He begins turning away but turns back. “But after that, we can do anything you want.”_

_I feel light headed. “It looks like it’s time for you to wake up.” He kisses my lips softly. It isn’t as hard and rough as I expected it to be. When he pulls away he looks me in the eyes and smiles. “Conjure me again, okay?” I blink and he’s gone._

 

I wake up in Dean’s arms and his eyes on me. “You didn’t have a nightmare this time.”

 

I smile and snuggle closer to him. “Yeah. It was nice.” Of course Dean has no clue how nice.

 

“Hey you dream about me at all?” Dean’s question takes me aback.

 

I gulp. I don’t really want him to know about the nightmare Dean or the horny Dean. “Of course I do.”

 

Dean is staring at my math papers. “Am I part of your nightmares?”

 

My smile slowly fades. “Don’t ask me that.”

 

Hurt flashes through his eyes. He clears his throat. “So I think this is the first paper we should do.”

 

I feel bad now. I sit up and kiss his cheek softly, savoring the feel of stubble on my lips. He still looks hurt and I grab the paper out of his hands gently. “Thanks for helping me Dean.” I see his eyes soften.

 

“Yeah well I won’t be of much help when it comes to math.” He says with a slight smile.

 

I smile at him. “Sometimes I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

 

He brightens a little. “Me? I’m not the one who thinks his life is worthless.” He nudges me with his shoulder.

 

I don’t know what possesses me to say this but I know deep down inside I’m just lying to Dean and myself. “I’m starting to think my life isn’t so worthless after all.”

 

There’s a gleam in Dean’s eyes and he smiles sweetly at me. “Can I kiss you?”

 

It kind of surprises me that he asked after we’ve been kissing all this time. For his answer however, I pounce/roll on top of him, almost missing his lips and kissing his chin. Dean grunts under the sudden weight and the neatly stacked papers go flying everywhere.

 

The force of me going on top of him ends up making us fall off the bed. Dean starts laughing under me and I rest my forehead on his chest, laughing just as hard.

 

“Now look at what you’ve done to the papers.” Dean says playfully, still laughing.

 

“Awe I’m sorry.” I give him a kiss. “Please forgive me?” I kiss him one more time.

 

Dean turns his head away from me, big grin on his face. “Nope, you need to face the consequences.”

 

I grab his chin and turn his head so he’s looking at me. “And what is my punishment Master?” I say as seductively as possible with a smirk. “Torture chamber?”

 

Dean smirks right back. “Oh you would like that wouldn’t you?” He leans into my ear and for a split second I think of fake Dean. “But I know an even better torture.”

 

He moves his hand down to my groin, stroking slowly through the fabric of the hospital bottoms. I moan with the feeling of Dean touching me. It doesn’t take me long to start getting hard.

 

“God Cas, you really shouldn’t make those noises. It really turns me on.” Dean whispers.

 

Not being able to stand it any longer I hit lips to lips roughly, needing Dean, needing his body to touch mine.

 

Dean moans into the kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth with ease because of me not putting up a fight. I feel like I’m on fire with pleasure and mostly desire, of intense want.

 

We both grab at each other’s shirts, Dean pulling mine over my head, me unbuttoning his and sliding the shirt off his shoulders.

 

He is totally fucking hot with his shirt off and his abs and I’m falling apart.

 

I almost grab at his belt buckle to undo it when the realization hits my brain through the lust.

 

_Oh god._

 

I immediately push away from Dean with a quick low, “I’m sorry,” grabbing at my shirt and pulling it over my head. “I’m not ready.” I add after seeing hurt in Dean’s eyes.

 

The hurt disappears from his eyes and empathy enters in its place. “I understand Cas. To be honest with you I don’t think I’m ready either.”

 

Knowing that Dean, the sex machine, isn’t ready to have sex with me calms me dramatically.

 

“Let’s go to the park.” Dean says abruptly.

 

“What about all this?” I gesture to the papers scattered on and around my bed.

 

Dean shrugs. “We’ll take care of them later. Come on.” He gets up and holds his hand out to help me up. I take it with acceptance.

 

Dean pulls me up then puts his shirt and jacket on. He goes to ‘my’ closet and pulls out my sweat shirt, jacket, and scarf. He puts all three of them on me. “Good, let’s go.” He takes my hand and drags me along, stopping at the front desk to sign me out.

 

We pile into the Impala and Dean drives off. I doze off for most of the trip.

 

I feel a hand stroke my cheek. “Hey we’re here; time to wake up sleepy head.” Dean says softly.

 

We both get out of the warm car and enter the freezing cold air of winter. Our feet crunch on the snow piles on the ground. Dean rounds the car and takes my hand. “You look tired.”

 

“That may have something to do with the fact that I _am_ tired.” I say as I sniffle.

 

Dean strokes my cheek lightly. “You okay? We can always go back.”

 

I sigh, my breath exiting my mouth in white puffs. “Yeah I’m fine.”

 

He smiles a little then kisses my forehead. “You did only get an hour and a half of rest earlier.”

 

“That long and you just sat there with me on you watching me sleep?” I ask him.

 

He smiles again. “You looked peaceful and besides, you haven’t been getting much sleep so I wanted you to rest.”

 

I smile back. “And you just like watching people sleep?”

 

“Not just anybody, only you. Besides, like I said, you looked peaceful… and adorable.” He tells me kissing my forehead again. He grabs my hand and once again drags me along.

 

The park is almost empty, no surprise there since most people would be at work or school. There are some people however, like this one woman with her daughter and son. Her son looks like he is almost old enough to go to kindergarten but not quite and her daughter looks around two or three years old. They are playing in the snow.

 

Neither Dean nor I had boots on so the snow is getting in our sneakers. “It’s cold.” I say stepping closer to Dean.

 

Dean kisses my cheek and puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer.

 

We walk to a bench and brush the snow off of it. After all the snow seems to be off we sit down close enough for our thighs to be touching.

 

Dean reaches over and starts caressing the back of my neck. His fingers glide over the chain of the dog tag and he pulls on it to reveal the tag with the engraved cross. “You really like this thing huh? You’re wearing it constantly.”

 

I get a little nervous knowing what I have done with said object. “It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time.” I smile at him tiredly. “And it just so happens someone very special to me gave it to me, my best friend to be exact.”

 

Dean tilts his head to the side knowingly. “Oh yeah? This person wouldn’t happen to have a name so I can find and kill him for stealing my best friend slash sort of not really boyfriend?”

 

I chuckle. “I’ll only tell you his initials because I don’t want you to kill him. They are D.W.”

 

“Will you tell me if I promise not to kill him?” Dean asks.

 

“And not assault him?” I ask playfully.

 

Dean whines in a joking manner. “Oh come on Cas, you’re killing me here…” He sighs. “Fine.”

 

I smile. “He’s sitting right beside me with the name Dean Winchester.”

 

Dean pretends to think then says, “Never heard of him.”

 

We both laugh then I lean my head on his shoulder while he rests his on my head.

 

I know he wants to ask the question he’s been dying to ask but just doesn’t want to ruin our mood or get into an argument so I bring it up for him. “You can ask you know.”

 

He shifts uncomfortably. “Ask what?”

 

I move so I’m looking him in the eyes. “Where we stand. I mean, come on, we’ve been kissing all day.”

 

Dean looks at me as if he really doesn’t want to ask it.

 

I sigh. “How about this?” I stroke his cheek with my thumb. “When you break up with Lisa we’ll get back together.”

 

Dean’s face falls immediately and mine does in turn.

 

I look away then back. “Is breaking up with Lisa that bad?”

 

Dean opens his mouth to say something but decides against it.

 

My shoulders slump slightly. “Don’t you want to be with me, be my boyfriend?”

 

Dean adverts his eyes. “I’m just worried she’ll tell the school that you tried to kill yourself and we both know you don’t want that to happen. Also you don’t know what they say about you at school.”

 

“What?” I ask a little shocked.

 

“I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid it would worsen your depression, but they’re starting to notice you’re not at school and wondering where you are.” Dean says.

 

I don’t understand. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

 

“It gets better.” Dean continues. “I don’t think you want to know what they call you when they talk about you not being there. They’re not the nicest of words, especially aimed at someone like you who is into guys.” I look out into the park, listening to Dean. “I’ve tried to stop them but they pretty much won’t listen to me. I’ve even gone as far as talking to a teacher about it but they didn’t listen to them either.”

 

“What kinds of things do they say about me?” I ask him, annoyed that even when I’m not there I’m still bullied.

 

Dean looks to the sky almost like in prayer. “They’re just not nice Cas.”

 

I know I’m setting myself up for pain but my curiosity gets the best of me. ”Dean please tell me.”

 

He sighs and rolls his eyes. “Okay I’ll tell you.” He takes a deep breath. “They say things like… ‘that gay ass probably isn’t in school because he’s off fucking some male prostitute.’ or… ‘that gay whore probably contracted some kind of STD’s or STI’s from fucking multiple guys, maybe even more than one at a time, and now the school won’t allow him in.’… among other things.”

 

Dean looks away from me as I gape with my mouth open.

 

“Please tell me you’re joking?” I say.

 

He glances at me. “I wouldn’t joke about something like this but I wish I could tell you I was.”

 

I sigh and lean back on the bench. “Why does everyone in that school hate me? For crying out loud I have to go to a mental hospital in order to make friends. That always makes you feel so great.”

 

Dean doesn’t meet my eyes. “I said you wouldn’t want to know.”

 

I turn to him. “No I’m glad you told me because you know what, the bunch of them can go screw themselves for all I care.” Dean’s eyebrows raise and I continue. “I have everybody I need already in my life.”

 

Dean smiles at me. “Good then I’ll break up with Lisa tomorrow at school.”

 

“No.” I say.

 

Dean looks confused. “You don’t want me to break up with her? I thought you did?”

 

“I do but I want to be there so if it’s okay with you, tomorrow after school bring her by and break up with her. I want to show her who you love, if it’s okay with you that the whole school knows you’re a ‘fag’.” I say with air quotes knowing that Dean left that part out of what they call me on purpose.

 

Dean smiles. “‘The bunch of them can just go screw themselves.’” He quotes me and chuckles. “Have I told you recently that I love you?”

 

I pretend to think. “No I don’t believe so.”

 

Dean chuckles again, kissing my forehead. “So now what?”

 

I shake my head, content with just sitting here. “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

 

“Just be with you.” He says sweetly, trying to scoot closer but not being able to because we are already too close to move.

 

“I love you.” I tell him laying my head on his shoulders again.

 

I try to suppress a shiver but can’t and Dean notices. “It’s cold out isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah.” I say at ease, closing my eyes.

 

“You want to go back?” He asks me.

 

“Hell no.” I sit up again to look at him. “I don’t want to go back and do all that school work.” I laugh.

 

Dean wraps his arm around me, tries to pull me closer, and kisses my cheek with soft, cold lips.

 

Then all of a sudden he gets up and holds out his hand to me. “Hey Cas, let’s build a snowman.”

 

I look at him astonished. “You, Dean Winchester, want to build a snowman? We haven’t done that since we were little.”

 

He leans in. “Precisely.”

 

I shake my head and roll my eyes as I take his outstretched hand. “We don’t have anything to put on the snowman Dean!” I call after him as he runs to the center of the park.

 

He turns around and runs backwards. “Imagination Cas, just use your imagination!” He yells arms outstretched.

 

I fallow him more slowly and by the time I reach him he is already rolling the snow into a ball for the base. I crouch and begin rolling snow for the middle.

 

I’m putting the head of the snowman on when something cold hits the back of my neck. Jumping I turn around to see Dean, snowball in hand. “That’s not fair, you play football.” I call to him.

 

He smiles at me. “You better learn how to throw quickly then.” He throws the snowball at me. I try to dodge but I’m not fast enough.

 

I squat down and begin forming a snowball.

 

We run around, throwing snowballs at each other for a while along with me almost running into our snowman. “Carful Cas, you wouldn’t want to make the snowman all over again.” Dean laughs.

 

I whine in disapproval and throw a snowball at him.

 

After our little snowball fight we focus on our snowman again. “It needs some arms.” Dean says from beside me. He then gives me a sideways glance. “Wait here.” He runs up to one of the park trees and breaks off two ‘small twigs’ and runs back.

 

“Dean, I don’t think you should have done that.” I advise him as he sticks the ‘twigs’ in for arms.

 

“Now a face.” Dean ignores me and I roll my eyes. Dean runs off again and returns with three small rocks. He puts two of them side by side for eyes and the third below and in the middle of those for a nose.

 

“Where did you find those?” I ask him.

 

“Sidewalk, by the crossing signal.” He tells me with a smug look. “What can we use for the mouth?”

 

I roll my eyes and mumble, “How about another twig.”

 

“Good idea.” Dean says running to the same tree again.

 

“No Dean I didn’t mean…” I sigh as Dean starts coming back. “Never mind.”

He sticks the end of the stick into the snowman’s face. “Now it looks like its smoking.”

 

I chuckle with amusement and grab the stick. “Not like that.” I push the stick into the snow on its side in a slash formation. “Like that. Now it has a half smile.”

 

“Good, now stand here.” He moves my body by grabbing both my shoulders to one side of the snowman. He then moves to the other side and falls on his back.

 

“Dean?” I ask hesitantly.

 

I hear Dean trying to stifle a laugh. “Snow angels Cas.”

 

“You’re kidding. Dean I don’t want to get all snow and wet.” I say.

 

“I bet Michael would do it.” Dean teases.

 

I growl low in my throat and get down on the ground muttering under my breath. I begin moving my arms and legs in the appropriate direction with Dean trying to laugh silently. When I’m done I lie there waiting for Dean to be done.

 

“Cas you done?” I hear Dean ask.

 

“Yeah.” I say.

 

We both get up at the same time and step back to observe our ‘master piece’.

 

Dean takes out a camera and takes a picture of it. Then he nudges me forward. “Go stand next to the snowman.”

 

“I don’t want my picture taken.” I say to him.

 

“Oh come on Cas. I just want our snowman’s picture taken with a real angel.” He gives me puppy dog eyes, or at least the best ones he can make.

 

I sigh and walk over to the man of snow. Who can say no to Dean’s face?

 

“Now just smile Cas.” Dean smiles back at me.

 

“It’ll just be a fake Dean. No one else may know but I will.” I call to him.

 

Dean bends down and makes a snowball. “If you don’t smile I’ll hit you with this snowball.”

 

“You wouldn’t dare.” I say wide eyed, trying not to smile from his goofiness.

 

“Try me.” He says sexily, licks his lips and winks at me.

 

I start laughing uncontrollably.

 

“Perfect.” I hear Dean say and I look up to him to see him looking at me with a huge beaming smile from behind the camera.

 

“You little sneak.” I accuse.

 

Dean laughs. “Just come and see it. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

 

I walk over preparing myself for a horrible picture but when I see it I can’t stop my jaw from falling. The picture isn’t as bad as I thought. The smile that’s on my face in the picture is real and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a real smile reflecting from my face.

 

Dean’s smile grows. “You like it?”

 

I nod and smile too. ‘Now I need one with you in it.”

 

Dean shakes his head. “Nope, one with both of us in it.” He looks around. “We can ask that woman to help us.”

 

We walk over to the woman with her two children. “Excuse me ma’am. Would you mind taking a picture for us?” Dean asks holding out the camera.

 

She looks from Dean to me. “Shouldn’t you two be in school?”

 

Dean looks at me then back to the woman. “It’s a… complicated.”

 

She nods. “Mmm, I bet.” She then smiles. “Where do you want the picture taken?”

 

Dean gives her a warm smile. “Over here ma’am, please.”

 

We walk over to our snowman. I stand on one side expecting Dean to go on the other side but instead he stands next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

 

The woman holds up the camera. “Okay say cheese.”

 

She presses the button and… all of sudden there are cold lips on my cheek and my mouth curves up in a smile.

 

The woman looks at the picture and a look of surprise enters her gaze, which I’m guessing is because of Dean kissing my cheek. She clears her throat and a small smile forms as she says, “Perfect.”

 

Dean unwraps his arms from my shoulders and we both walk up to the woman.

 

She shows us the picture. In the picture there is me, snowman to my left, and Dean to my right. Dean is pulling the top half of my body to him and he is planting a kiss on my cheek with his eyes shut. I’m smiling for real and the way the sun is hitting us makes the photo all that much better. There’s also some kind of gleam in my eyes that I don’t quite recognize.

 

“Like it?” Dean asks, reaching around my head, tangling his fingers in my messy hair, and kissing my temple. He takes the camera from the woman.

 

“I love it.” I say with a smile. We both turn to the woman. “Thank you very much.” I say to her.

 

“Yeah thank you ma’am.” Dean says his thanks too.

 

She begins walking away with a warm and welcoming smile. “You’re welcome. Don’t skip anymore school though.” And with that she’s gone.

 

I watch as Dean continues to look at the photo. He eventually shuts the camera off and shoves it in his jacket pocket. “Let’s go eat. It’s already 12:30 and I’m starving.”

 

“You’re always starving.” I tease.

 

“More than usual then.” He says.

 

“Okay then where are we going to go that won’t tell us to go to school?” I ask him.

 

“We’ll tell them school is out and hope they don’t have a kid.” Dean says.

 

I shake my head in amusement then nod. “Okay let’s go.”

 

“You going to fall asleep at the restaurant?” He asks me.

 

I shake my head. “No I’ll be able to stay awake.”

 

We walk back to the Impala holding hands.

 

When we get to the restaurant that we both agree on and get sat down, Dean’s phone rings. He gives me a look, then answers. “Hey Dad.”

 

I shoot him a look and try my best to hear the voice from the other end of the phone. I can just make it out.

 

“Why the hell did you skip school?” John’s angry voice comes from the phone.

 

Dean clears his throat. “I’m with Cas Dad.”

 

“And you expect me to believe you after the last time you skipped school.” I hear.

 

Dean leans over the table and holds the phone up to my ear. “Hello Mr. Winchester.” Silence.

 

I give Dean a look that says ‘take the phone back please’ and he withdraws. “Dad?”

 

“I can’t believe it you’re telling the truth.” His dad says.

 

“Thanks for the confidence Dad.” Dean says back.

 

I hear John sigh. “Don’t think you’re off the hook just because you went to see Castiel. We’ll talk more at home but I want you to know that I may not allow you to go to that party this Saturday now.”

 

Dean rolls his eyes. “I never said I wanted to go.”

 

“See you later son.” A click then dial tone.

 

Dean hangs up and sighs.

 

I look at him in curiosity. “There’s a party this Saturday?”

 

“Yeah but I wasn’t going to go. I was going to come see you.” He says trying not to sound worried that I will get mad at him but failing miserably.

 

I let it be quiet for a little bit while I gather my thoughts then talk. “Dean its fine if you go to a party.” _As long as it’s not Michael’s or Lisa’s._ I almost add but don’t. “I don’t want you to force yourself to come and see me every day. Go have some fun. Whose party is it anyways?”

 

“Ash’s.” He says plainly.

 

“Oh so there’s going to be…” I start.

 

“Booze, yeah.” Dean finishes my sentence.

 

I think for a short time then begin speaking again. “Well you should go.”

 

“I don’t want to go without you.” Dean makes quick glances at me shyly.

 

Then an idea strikes me. “Take me with you.”

 

Dean looks at me shocked. “I don’t think the hospital will let you out at 7:00 to midnight just like that and what about your pills, I’m sure you can’t have alcohol with them.”

 

“I’ve got a plane for that.” I begin, take a breath then continue. “You’ll just have to come pick me up at like… 6:00 in the morning and tell them I’ll be sleeping over at your place. They’ll give you my scheduled pills and send us on our merry way.”

 

“I don’t think they’ll let you sleep over and I don’t think you should skip your pills.” Dean says and my shoulders slouch a little in disappointment.

 

I think again. “Tell them it’s a tradition and that we don’t want me being in this place to ruin that. About my pills, I’m sure it’s not going to hurt me to skip one day. Please Dean, this may actually do me some good and it’ll show people that I’m still around and that they can’t just talk about me behind my back.” I give him puppy dog eyes.

 

“Oh, not that look again.” Dean whines and I continue to give him my ultimate puppy dog eyes. He quickly gives in. “Fine, jeez, but if you get caught it’s not my fault got it?”

 

“Got it.” I smile. “This is also perfect because tomorrow, which is Wednesday right?” Dean nods and I continue. “You break up with Lisa, Thursday gives her time to spread it around the school, and Friday gives everyone time for the information to sink in. When we go to the party on Saturday then everyone there won’t be surprised that were dating.”

 

Dean looks skeptical. “I hope this isn’t a mistake.”

 

“It’ll be fine, I promise.” I reassure him.

 

After we eat we go back to the hospital. Dean and I end up getting yelled at because Dean didn’t tell them I would be gone this long so I totally missed my lunch antidepressant pill.

 

We enter my room to see the papers are now neatly stacked. “So much for doing school work.” Dean mentions.

 

I just nod in agreement.

 

“Hey I better go. Any later and my Dad may actually consider me not going to that party. See you later Cas.” He pecks my cheek and leaves.

 

I set the papers on my night stand and lie on my bed with my hands folded under my head.

 

Lucifer then walks in. “Well hello absentee. There were papers scattered all over the place so I picked them up, sorted them, and put them on your bed. The papers said the name Castiel Novak, know anyone with that name?”

 

I just smile at him. “Thank you Lucifer. Dean and I were going to pick them up when we got back.”

 

“You seem happy for once.” He says disregarding my thank you.

 

“Today has been a really good day. A day I haven’t had in a long time.” I say back looking up at the ceiling.

 

A smirk forms on Lucifer’s lips and he sits on the edge of his bed, resting his arms on his thighs. “Do tell.”

 

I sit up and do the same, facing him, and begin telling him of my day with a special gleam in my eyes.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written sort of based on the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. This chapter is kind of slow at the beginning until you get to the party.

**Chapter 17:**

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a full nights rest with no nightmares. I wake up just in time for breakfast.

 

“He sleeps!” Lucifer exclaims as I sit up, rubbing my eyes.

 

“I always slept… just not long.” I mumble the last part under my breath.

 

Lucifer throws me my clean clothes. “Yeah well hurry up and get dressed or else you’ll miss breakfast.”

 

“Awe, did Lucifer miss me yesterday?” I tease with a grin.

 

Lucifer glares at me and waits as I get dressed.

 

As we walk down to the cafeteria Lucifer asks, “Today Dean is coming with… what was her name again?”

 

I chuckle at Lucifer not knowing her name. “Lisa.”

 

“Right Lisa… to break up with her right?” He continues.

 

“Yeah.” I smile to myself with satisfaction.

 

“We’ll see if that actually happens.” Lucifer grumbles.

 

My smile disappears and I look at him. “What’s that suppose to mean?”

 

“Just…” He pauses to think. “His track record isn’t that great.”

 

Worry. The words Lucifer speaks brings on the feeling of worry in me and I wonder if Dean will come through and stand by his word and break up with that bitch.

 

After getting our food and pills, mine consisting of three but today is my last day for my antibiotics, we go and sit at the table Chuck saved for us.

 

“Hey Castiel, missed you yesterday.” Chuck says as I sit down across from him. “Luci says you had a good day yesterday and that Dean is going to break up with his girlfriend so you guys can be an ‘official couple’.”

 

Lucifer sits next to Chuck and I confirm what Lucifer told him. “Yep, he’s going to bring her here after school and break up with her.”

 

Chuck’s eyes widen. “With you th-there?”

 

I nod. “Yeah why?”

 

“That’s going to be awkward isn’t it?” He asks.

 

I think then answer. “Yeah I guess but I want Lisa to know who Dean actually loves.”

 

“Awe isn’t that cute, Angel is possessive of his human.” Lucifer mocks.

 

I snort and shake my head. “Haha _Luci_ very funny.”

 

“I-I think i-it’s c-cute.” Chuck stutters with a slight blush.

 

I chuckle. “Thanks Chuck.” I look to Lucifer but aim my next statement to Chuck. “I can always count on you.”

 

Chuck blushes even darker and Lucifer and I start laughing with Chuck joining shortly after. We then all begin to eat. Surprising enough I’m actually hungry. Problem? The food for breakfast today I don’t really care about.

 

French toast, the most disgusting breakfast food I know of. I pick at the food, eating enough to take the pills with, sigh then get up. I throw the rest in the trash.

 

Lucifer glares at me. “Seriously Angel, give me the food for now on.”

 

I just roll my eyes, smirk at him, and then walk away. I’m almost to my room when, on a whim, change my mind and find myself in front of Balthazar’s office.

 

I knock and wait for a few seconds before I hear a muffled “Come in.”

 

I open the door just enough to stick my head in and Balthazar looks up from the paper work on his desk to me. “Castiel.” He says surprised to see me.

 

I’m shocked he’s even remembered my name. “I thought I’d come and talk.”

 

“It’s been awhile.” He says starring at me. I almost forgot how uncomfortable it makes me.

 

I walk fully into the room shutting the door behind me. “Yeah sorry about that.” I scratch the back of my neck and continue. “Why didn’t they force me to go though?”

 

Balthazar smiles. “They normally do but they also know me. I believe if you want to talk you’ll come, if you don’t then you won’t come. Why waste your and my time if we’re not going to talk? If we just sit here not talking then it’s not going to help any differently then you not coming at all.” A pause, stare down, then continuation… totally Balthazar style. “Besides I believe being able to make your own decisions and doing your own thing is the first step to getting better.”

 

I just stare at him speechless.

 

“Come Castiel.” He smiles and gestures to the couch. “Sit down.” I walk slowly to the couch and sit in the same spot that I did so many weeks ago. The room hasn’t changed at all. “What do you want to talk about?” Balthazar asks as he comes and sits in his chair and… well stares.

 

“Um…” I stammer. “I kind of… um… came here on a whim so I’m not exactly sure what to talk… about.” I try not to look at him straight on.

 

He walks back up to his desk, rummages through all the papers that are scattered on it, and pulls out a folder. It has my name on it. “Let’s talk about…” He begins as he walks back to the chair, opening the folder. “Dean.”

 

I fidget on the couch. “D-Dean?” I’m lost for words not really wanting to talk about him. “Why?”

 

“How do you feel about him now?” He goes on ignoring my question.

 

“Um…” I’m not quite sure what to say. “I love the guy but you already knew that.”

 

“And how is your relationship with him going?” He asks.

 

“We are actually together now.” I answer.

 

He nods. “Really, tell me how that’s going.”

 

“Fine I guess.” I think of how much I want to tell him. _This is all confidential, right?_ I think as I proceed. “He is actually going to break up with his previous girlfriend today.”

 

Balthazar looks surprised. “You are dating him when he is dating another person?”

 

“No.” I say quickly but that’s not really the truth. “Sort of… kind of…maybe… just a little… yeah.” I give in.

 

Now Balthazar looks really curious. “And how long has this gone on for?”

 

I sigh, thinking. “I’m not sure. I just know that he’s the one that got with me, and then I broke up with him, and _after_ he breaks up with Lisa, his girlfriend, we’re going to get back together.” I emphasize ‘after’.

 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Balthazar stops me from saying anymore. “Dean got with you, not the other way around?”

 

“Yeah, he realized he loves me and… well told me.” I say finally looking him in the eyes.

 

“So he’s not ‘as straight as a stick. A very thick stick that can’t be bent.’?” He reads off of his paper that’s in my folder.

 

“Yeah I guess so.” I say.

 

“Then that’s good but then we have the little problem of you ‘running into a door that bruised your face up’?” He continues.

 

I stare at him.

 

He smiles. “You didn’t think the nurse believed you did you?”

 

“Truthfully…” I begin. “I thought she was too stupid to not believe it because she certainly acted like she did.”

 

Balthazar laughs. “Well she didn’t and wrote it down for me to check into.” He pauses to do his starring thing. “Did Dean do that to you?”

 

“What makes you think he did it?” I ask, showing no sign that it is the truth that Dean actually did hit me.

 

“He’s the only one who has ever signed you out.” He says.

 

“What if it was him?” I say knowing that Balthazar will know that it was in fact Dean Winchester, star quarterback.

 

“Is he abusive?” He proceeds to ask.

 

“No.” I say calmly. “It was just a onetime thing, guarantee.” _Of course there was that time in the bathroom where he violently pinned me to the door but that doesn’t count does it?_ I think and decide not to tell him about that incident.

 

Balthazar tries to look into my soul. “And if he is abusive, you just going to take it like you did with your mother?”

 

I flinch. “Of course not, Dean is not my mother.”

 

“But he’s your boyfriend.” He says and I’m becoming really uncomfortable with this conversation.

 

“I wouldn’t stand for him hitting me.” I tell Balthazar just to please him but deep down inside, I’m not sure if I’m telling the whole truth. _Would I just let Dean hit me?_ I wonder as we move on to the next question.

 

“Another thing that is in your chart is the fall that you had and you cut your arm, it got infected and you were on antibiotics for a while there until it got worse and you had to go on a stronger antibiotic.” He reads.

 

I shift in my seat really uncomfortable now. “Yes.” I answer even though I’m not sure if it was something that needed answering.

 

“So that actually happened?” He asks suspiciously.

 

I swallow, throat dry. “Yes.”

 

Balthazar nods unbelievingly. “You wouldn’t tell me at this stage if it wasn’t true would you?”

 

I don’t answer and just continue to stare at him, straight faced.

 

“Okay, I see how it is. Got to work up your trust. I understand.” Balthazar tells me.

 

I just give him his stare down.

 

“You may leave if you want Castiel… unless there is something more you want to talk to me about?” Balthazar eventually says.

 

“I guess I’m just a little nervous about Dean breaking up with his Girlfriend.” I say finally looking away from him.

 

Balthazar nods, probably pleased that I decided to stay and talk, and asks, “Why is that?”

 

I take a quick glance at him then look away. “Lucifer said something earlier today and well it kind of set my nerves off.”

 

Balthazar looks sympathetic. “What did he say?”

 

“He said that ‘we’ll see if that actually happens because Dean’s track record isn’t the greatest.’” I quote Lucifer.

 

“Do you believe and trust Dean?” He asks.

 

“With my life.” I finally look up to him slowly.

 

“Then I believe…” He looks at me with unusually warm eyes. “Dean will come through.”

 

I shift. “That’s not the only thing I’m worried about.”

 

“Tell me.” Balthazar urges.

 

I think before I speak. “We both know that his soon to be ex-girlfriend is going to tell the whole school about me and Dean.” I take a long pause and Balthazar just waits for me to continue. “What I’m mostly worried about is Dean being bullied after. I don’t care if I am because they do already anyways but Dean… everybody loves Dean.”

 

“But there’s more.” Balthazar sees right through me and I nod.

 

“I’m also nervous because there is like a ninety nine percent chance of his ex telling the school that I used to cut myself, that I tried to overdose and jump out a four story window and now I’m in here.” I tell him looking at the floor.

 

“You don’t want the school know?” He asks in understanding.

 

“I know they’ll turn it around on me somehow and make fun of me for it.” I say.

 

“I thought you just said you don’t care if they bully you.” Balthazar asks in confusion.

 

I clarify. “I don’t care if they bully me for being gay what I do care about is them knowing that I’m a depressed, self harming, suicidal, teenager in a psychiatric hospital. I don’t know why I don’t want them to know about it but I just don’t.”

 

Again Balthazar nods. “That’s understandable.” He also shifts in his seat. “Let me tell you something. The reason why I became a therapist is because I was in the same position you were in when I was just a teenager.”

 

I look at him shocked.

 

“I wasn’t into guys but I was bullied and suicidal at one point. I went to a psychiatric hospital, got better and decided that I wanted to help teenagers that were in my position. I don’t think a lot of therapists can relate to their patients, I can though.” He says. “That’s why I don’t force my patients in to see me because I know how that feels and you just feel cornered and it takes you longer to get better.”

 

I look away suddenly feeling inferior.

 

He continues. “I hope you know Castiel, that no matter what Dean’s ex tells the school that it’ll be okay and that you’re your own person and no one can change that. Also I’ll always be here for you, I’m sure Lucifer and Chuck will always be there for you, and Dean especially will be there for you. You’re not alone Castiel, you have people who care and love you deeply.”

 

I nod in agreement. “I think I would like to go now.”

 

Balthazar nods and gets up. I follow suit.

 

“Please come back again soon Castiel. I think this went really well.” Balthazar says as we make it to the door.

 

I open the door, pause, and turn to him and smile weakly. “Yeah, I think so too.” And that was the truth; I do feel a little better.

 

I begin walking down the hall when I’m called by Balthazar. “Castiel.”

 

I turn around. “Yeah?”

 

“Have a good day.” I look at him suspiciously.

 

“Thanks you too.” I start walking again.

 

“Castiel?” Balthazar calls again.

 

“Yes?” I turn around to look at him again, a little annoyed.

 

He doesn’t speak for a long time and I wonder if he really called me but eventually he begins talking. “Bring Dean to our next session.”

 

“What?” I ask surprised and a little uneasy. “Why?”

 

“I want to talk to him.” He says.

 

“I don’t really want Dean to know what we talk about.” I tell him walking a little closer so we don’t have to yell down the hall.

 

He smiles. “Don’t worry, we won’t talk about anything too personal in front of him and everything we’ve said in previous sessions is all confidential so I can’t tell him anything you have said. Again, I just want to talk to him.”

 

I sigh and give in. “Fine I’ll bring him… only if he can make it.” I begin walking away again, this time without interruptions.

 

I wonder what Balthazar could possibly want to talk to Dean about. Besides, it’s not like he’s Dean’s therapist and it kind of angers me at how Balthazar is practically forcing me to bring Dean into my next session. I don’t even want him there. What the hell are we going to talk about with him there? I thought he was supposed to talk and help me not Dean.

 

But that’s always how it is. Dean comes first, he comes first in everything and he is the one that matters most. I mean nothing and I never come first, ever.

 

I walk back to mine and Lucifer’s room. He’s not back yet so I go and lie on my bed. I turn my head to the clock and see that it says 8:24. About six hours left until Dean gets here. I sigh in frustration. _What am I supposed to do?_ I think bitterly. I turn and look at the ceiling.

 

Balthazar’s words are playing over and over in my head but they do nothing to settle the nervousment I feel in the pit of my stomach.

 

I wonder if we’re making a huge mistake and whether I should call Dean to call the whole thing off. I wonder if Dean even wants to break up with Lisa.

 

He did say before that he thinks he loves her so why would that change all of a sudden, just out of the blue? Would it change suddenly just because he fell in love with me? Is what he is feeling towards me the same he thought he felt towards Lisa? … Does he even love me at all?

 

He obviously wasn’t sure when it came to Lisa and if his feelings changed then they changed so how can he be so sure that he loves me? How can he tell me that he loves me when a few months ago he wasn’t even sure he loved Lisa?

 

What if he is feeling the same way he felt towards Lisa to me and that means he’ll ‘fall out of love’ with me any day now?

 

However he did pass my little test. Would he have passed it and done the same thing if it was Lisa who was doing it? Or even… Michael?

 

Michael. What if deep down inside Dean was really attracted to Michael? That would mean he would leave me anyways to be with him. Him… Michael… Lucifer’s big brother… a twenty year old that’s four years older than Dean. He wouldn’t be attracted to that, would he?

 

But then again, it didn’t stop him back then. When he told me about this woman he met at a bar. She was twenty one and Dean had his fake id that said he too was twenty one. They went back to the Impala to do business and Dean knew practically well that it was illegal but he didn’t care. He just wanted sex and saw an opportunity.

 

… … … Would Dean want to even have sex with me? What if he changes his mind when we go to do the deed and he comes out and says ‘Dude, I’m not having sex with a guy.’? What if he is turned off that I’m, in fact, a guy or he doesn’t like my body, or looking at a naked guy’s body for that matter. And what about my scars on my arms, what if Dean sees them in the middle and runs away?

 

What if he just doesn’t like me enough to make love to me?

 

What if we’ll never be happy?

 

“Hey Angel.” I’m snapped out of my thoughts from Lucifer’s loud voice.

 

I sit up. “What?”

 

Lucifer looks at me unpleased. “I said your name like five times. What the hell were you thinking anyways?”

 

“Oh, nothing.” I dismiss it with an edgy laugh.

 

I’m glad Lucifer has entered the room because now I can have a distraction from the whirling thoughts that are speeding in my brain with no sign of slowing down until something happens to prove them wrong.

 

…

 

“It’s almost time for Dean to get here right?” Lucifer asks from the window.

 

I swallow from where I sit on the edge of the bed. “Yeah.”

 

Lucifer looks at me. “You seem a little nervous.”

 

“Just a little.” I tell him.

 

“Well I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Lucifer assures me then asks, “You want me to stay for back up or to punch Dean in the gut if he chickens out?”

 

I chuckle. “Thanks but I think I’ll be fine.”

 

“Then I’ll be on my way before your ray of sunshine shows up with the rain cloud on his shoulder following him like a lost puppy.” He says then begins walking toward the door.

 

He’s too late however because we hear talking in the hall. “Dean why the hell are we even here? I don’t want to see Castiel and he probably doesn’t want to see me.”

 

Dean’s voice comes next and it comes out a little sarcastic. “Oh trust me, he wants to see you.”

 

“Dean.” Lisa whines then they enter the room.

 

Dean stops mid stride to peer at Lucifer, obviously surprised that he’s here. His eyes go from Lucifer to me then back to Lucifer. “H-hey Lucifer.”

 

“Your name is Lucifer?” Lisa asks unimpressed.

 

Lucifer puts on his best ‘I’m sexy and you know it’ look and says. “Blame it on my parents, beautiful.”

 

I roll my eyes. _Leave it to Lucifer to flirt with the enemy._ I think but I don’t think Lucifer is doing it to hurt me. I think he is doing it to give me confidence.

 

Dean clears his throat and shifts his weight to the foot that is not already holding it. “Lucifer would mind.”

 

“Not at all my little pet.” Lucifer says patting the top of Dean’s head and it almost makes me start laughing right there and then. And Dean’s face… priceless.

 

“What did you just call me?” Dean asks less harshly and angrily than I thought.

 

Lucifer ignores him and turns to me. “See you later Angel.” He winks at me and walks out the door. I only shake my head in amusement.

 

“What was that about?” Lisa asks looking at Dean then turning to me. “Hey Castiel.” She gives me a forced smile.

 

I see Dean roll his eyes behind her back and points in his throat for the symbol for gagging.

 

I smile in return and try not to laugh at Dean’s little display behind the unknowing bitch’s back.

 

Dean then pushes pass Lisa and slings his backpack off his shoulder and places it on my bed beside me. He unzips the biggest pocket and takes out a picture frame.

 

“What’s that?” Lisa asks curiously.

 

Dean ignores her and shows it to me. “I thought you’d like one too. I made two; the other is in my room on my nightstand along with the one with just you in it.”

 

I smile, that gleam returning to my eyes and my previous worries flying out the window. I take the picture frame and I feel the beginning of tears but this time, instead of tears of sorrow they’re tears of joy and happiness. I haven’t felt this happy in ages. The picture is the one the woman took for us in the park. The one with our snowman and two angels. The one where Dean is kissing my cheek and I’m smiling and the sun hitting us in just the right way. “I lo-ve it Dean.” I struggle to get out.

 

“What is it?” Lisa asks impatiently but again we both ignore her.

 

Dean kneels down so he’s eye level. “You like it?”

 

“You keep bringing out the stops to fight for me huh?” I say trying to keep the tears at bay.

 

“Fight for you?” Lisa’s confused voice rings out.

 

“I said I would.” Dean reaches up and wipes a tear off my cheek with his thumb. “Please don’t cry.”

 

I smile at him. “I’m crying because you made me really happy Dean and I haven’t felt like this in such a long time that I’ve forgotten what it feels like.”

 

Dean looks at me lovingly. “You have such beautiful eyes.”

 

“Would someone please explain to me what is going on?” Lisa asks, annoyance and confusion clearly in her voice.

 

“I love you.” Dean whispers to me.

 

“I love you too.” I whisper back, silently hoping Lisa isn’t smart enough to read my lips.

 

Next I expect Dean to stand up and break up with Lisa but instead he grabs the photo out of my hands and places it gingerly on my nightstand without standing up, where Lisa can see it.

 

Lisa looks at it. “What the hell is that? What are you doing in that picture Dean?”

 

Dean continues to ignore her and look at me as he kneels in front of me. He then grabs my chin lightly and pulls me into a soft, gentle kiss that says everything that he is feeling and I kiss him back, with just as much passion and feeling as his.

 

When we pull away he quickly rubs his thumb on my cheek then stands up and clears his throat. He turns to Lisa and I look to where she stands.

 

Her mouth is hanging open in speechless shock. Tears are rimming her eyes and I feel a little bad for her. I didn’t expect Dean to choose the cruelest way of breaking up with her and showing her who he really and truly loves. “What the hell was that just now?” She sounds like she is on the verge of crying.

 

“I think you know Lisa.” Dean says, clearly no sympathy present in his voice.

 

“I don’t… I don’t get it.” She takes a deep breath in.

 

“How can you not?” Dean says calmly. “I’m in love with Cas and I want to be with him, not you.”

 

“But…” Lisa begins but ends up lost for words.

 

Sympathy finally flashes in Dean’s eyes and his words soften a little. “Look Lisa, I’m sorry but I love Cas more than anything in this world and I want to be with him but we can’t be together if we’re still dating.”

 

Lisa’s bottom lip is quivering and I wonder if she even notices. “So you’re breaking up with me?”

 

Dean nods slowly. “Yeah Lisa I am.”

 

She bites her bottom lip unconsciously next. “Why’d you show me like this?”

 

Dean thinks then sighs. “Because I’m a coward who couldn’t tell you directly.”

 

Anger flashes on Lisa’s face. “So you decide to hurt me in the worst possible way? How dare you, you inconsiderate dickless ass hole!” Her nostrils flare and her eyes scrunch up in anger. “Just wait Dean Winchester, this’ll come to bite you in the ass! I swear.” And with that she storms off, her hair flying everywhere and getting tangled with one another.

 

Funny how I noticed all those little details when I concentrate on someone hard enough. You can read a lot about someone that way.

 

Dean sighs and sits on the bed. He steals a sideways glance at me. “Sorry if that made you uncomfortable, I just didn’t know how to go about the whole thing and I was really nervous.” I see compassion in his eyes and it warms me.

 

I smile at him. “Its fine Dean, it didn’t make me uncomfortable at all and I really do love having that picture beside me.”

 

Dean warms me up even more with his smile, small wrinkles forming around his eyes, a special sparkle in his eyes that is just for me, that I caused. “I love you so damn much Cas.”

 

“I love you so much too Dean.” I respond.

 

Dean then jumps up and wrestles me down in the bed, tickling me in all the places he knows I’m ticklish. “D-Dean, please s-stop.” I struggle out through my laughing.

 

Dean finally subsides his tickling and we both lie on the bed. Dean is to my right on his side and with his head resting on my chest. His right hand is playing absently with my shirt. I just stare at the ceiling content with how it is.

 

We just lie there listening to each other’s breathing, becoming entranced in the sound of both of us breathing in and out.

 

“Dean, can I ask you something?” I ask still looking up at the ceiling.

 

Dean breathes in deeply then lets it out slowly in contentment. “Yeah, sure.”

 

I’m not really sure how to put my question so I just come out and ask it. “Do you want to have sex with me?”

 

Dean immediately sits up and looks at me in shock. “What?”

 

I quickly realize my mistake. “I mean not right now or even today for that matter but eventually?” Dean seems lost for words so I continue. “Are you really willing to have sex with a male because before you said you weren’t ready so-“

 

Dean cuts me off with a kiss. “I didn’t mean I wouldn’t be ready ever. I just wasn’t ready then. Of course I’ll want to eventually have se… make love to you.”

 

“Really?” I ask, needing clarification.

 

Dean kisses my lips gently. “Definitely.”

 

I smile. “Thank you Dean.”

 

Dean chuckles and gives me a half smile. “What are you thanking me for?”

 

I look at him warmly. “For just being you and being here with me and breaking up with Lisa and-“ He cuts me off with another kiss.

He smiles at me knowing words are not needed right now and just lies his head on my chest again. He then starts humming ‘our song’.

 

“Do you know all the lyrics to that song?” I ask out of curiosity.

 

I feel Dean smile against my chest. “Yep you bet.”

 

”Sing it to me?” I whisper softly.

 

Dean huffs and rubs my chest. “I don’t think so.” He laughs slightly. “That’ll be embarrassing.”

 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed with me.” I tell him.

 

“Maybe later ok Cas?” He says then sighs from being content again.

 

I just close my eyes, giving up on trying to get him to sing to me. I drift into peace as I listen to him breathe.

 

Dean then sits up. “Should we begin that school work that I brought over?”

 

“Sure.” I answer him with.

 

Dean grabs the folder off of my night stand and opens it. “Okay math first.”

 

By the time we finish with the entire math it is already late at night. At one point we did stop in order for me to go and eat. Even though the two enemies didn’t say much to each other, when they did speak to one another surprisingly Dean was actually civil with Lucifer and the other way around. That is something I didn’t expect in a million years.

 

“Finally.” Dean sets down the worksheet we were working on. “I think we finally finished all the math.”

 

I look at the clock. “Yeah and it only took us until ten thirty at night.”

 

“What?” Dean blurts out and looks at the clock. “I have to go. Dad is going to kill me.”

 

I watch him as he gets up and gathers his stuff.

 

“I still have homework of my own.” He says as he grabs his backpack.

 

“Wait you have homework? Why didn’t you tell me, we could have done it sooner.” I ask.

 

Dean gives me a weak smile. “Don’t worry about it Cas. I’ll just get a zero on the assignments.”

 

“But what about football?” I ask. I don’t want to be the reason why he’s kicked off the team.

 

Dean’s smile grows a little stronger. “Don’t worry a zero isn’t going to bring my grade down too much and my cast is coming off Friday so it won’t matter.”

 

“You didn’t tell me you’re getting your cast off Friday.” I say.

 

“Really? I thought I did. I’m sorry.” He gives me a ‘sorry’ look.

 

I smile back at him. “It’s fine Dean. That’s great that you’re getting it off.”

 

“Thanks Cas.” He kisses my cheek. “I better get going. Have a great night.”

 

“You too Dean.” Then he disappears.

 

Once Dean is out that door I’m off my bed going after him within seconds. “Dean?”

 

He turns around with a smile on his face. “Yeah Cas?”

 

I shift awkwardly. “Have a good night Dean.” It slips out of my mouth before I realize we have already said this.

 

“Thanks Cas, you too.” He says then turns to leave but stops abruptly and turns to me. “Cas?”

 

“Yeah.” I smile, happy he hasn’t gone yet.

 

“Do you… maybe… want me to sleep over? I’ll have to sneak out but I don’t mind.” His face is a light shade of pink.

 

“If you want, I don’t mind either.” I say quickly before he thinks I don’t want him too.

 

Dean’s smile widens. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

 

I warmly smile at him. “Hurry back.”

 

He starts walking. “I’ll try but it all depends on how soon I can get away from my dad’s yelling. I was technically not supposed to be here because I’m grounded.” He winks then blows me a kiss.

 

I quietly laugh then go back into my room, Lucifer sneaking up behind me. “Dean is all you ever think about now a days.”

 

I frown feeling guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you or Chuck.”

 

Lucifer ignores me and goes to lay on his bed, lying on his side facing away from me.

 

“Lucifer.” I start but Lucifer sighs.

 

“I’m trying to sleep here. Good night Angel.” He tells me, still not looking at me.

 

“Good night.” I mumble though I’m not sure it was loud enough for him to hear.

 

I walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. I try to smile at the person starring back at me but it’s just forced and you can tell.

 

I hate me. I hate how I look and I hate how I am. _How can Dean love someone like me?_ I think as I continue to look at the blank, lifeless face. I don’t even recognize it.

 

My eyes wander down to my neck and rest on the dog tag that is just hanging there like I’m in a trance.

 

I wonder if I could strangle myself with the chain.

 

I lift it up over my head and flip it over and over in my hand, just starring at it. I look back in the mirror. Still nothing.

 

I look at my right arm and take off the bandage. The cut looks much better now and I contemplate what I’m about to do considering I just finished my antibiotics.

 

I can’t not do it though so I position the tag on my arm with a cold, numb heart and making sure to avoid the cut that was infected.

 

The dog tag eventually breaks the skin and the blood starts coming out. Once again that satisfaction the pain gives me is over whelming.

 

I know I shouldn’t be doing this, especially with Lucifer and Dean coming back, but can’t ignore the urge to feel the pain. The only feeling I have besides love.

 

After I’m done in bliss I clean myself, the bathroom, and the dog tag off before going out into the room. Lucifer still has his back to me but from his breathing you can tell he’s already fast asleep.

 

I’m just standing there starring at him when two hands come up and cover my eyes. I feel warm lips brush up against my ear. “Guess who?” The familiar voice asks.

 

“My knight in shining armor?” I ask the person.

 

“Maybe.” They whisper into my ear then kiss it. They move to kissing my neck then my shoulder through the fabric.

 

After he is done kissing me he goes back to brushing his lips on my ear. “Maybe you could help me. I’m trying to find my boyfriend’s room and really need to see him because I love him a lot you know.”

 

I chuckle. “Why do you need him when you can have me?”

 

I feel Dean’s breath on my neck. “Are you suggesting an affair?”

 

“Maybe.” I turn to him and start kissing him. He parts his lips in a surprised gasp and I use this opportunity to slide my tongue into his mouth. I grab the back of his head with my right hand, intertwining my fingers in his short hair, snaking my other hand around his waist to pull him closer.

 

Dean moans, grabbing my head to pull it closer. We break away, both of us breathing heavily. “Cas…” He pauses to take a breath. “I like you taking charge.”

 

I smile and chuckle. “Maybe I’ll do it more often then.”

 

Dean puts his arms around my shoulders and leans in. “Maybe you should.” He says seductively then yawns.

 

“You have school tomorrow and it’s already eleven thirty. We should get to bed.” I say pulling him along by the waist.

 

Dean playfully whines. “But I want to stare into your wonderful blue eyes.”

 

I smile. “I appreciate that but you need to get up early tomorrow.”

 

Dean sighs in defeat. He walks to the left side of my bed, strips off his pants and shirt with me eying him like he’s a piece of candy, then gets in the bed under my comforter. Dean eyes me, waiting for me to join him. “You going to get in or just stare at my handsome body?”

 

Getting my thought back I move the comforter away to join him.

 

I stop when Dean clears his throat. I look at him in question. He eyes my pants and shirt, raises his eyes brows, and points at them. I shift under his gaze. “What?”

 

“Pants and shirt.” He says simply.

 

I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Dean loses his patience, reaches over and pulls down my pants for me, almost pulling my boxers with them, and lifts my shirt over my head.

 

I turn beat red.

 

Dean chuckles. “Don’t be so embarrassed Cas.”

 

I just look stubbornly away from him, his words not helping with my embarrassment. I get into the bed and Dean immediately presses his body against mine, hot skin touching my bare skin, skin to skin contact. He rests his head in the crook of my neck and closes his eyes. I wrap my right arm around him, pulling him closer. Then I too close my eyes, enjoying Dean’s warmth.

 

…

 

I wake up to Dean’s phone alarm blaring at 5:30AM. Dean grumbles under the covers, reaching to diminish the protruding sound. He can’t find his phone however and has to sit up and untangle himself from me to get it. I whine in protest, missing the warmth.

 

I sit up along with him. “Five thirty already? That was fast.” Dean mumbles angrily under his breath as he gets up to put on the clean clothes he brought.

 

I decide to mess him. “Hey Dean I was thinking last night.” I pause.

 

Dean looks at me, pants half way up his legs. “I’m not a mind reader Cas, what is it?”

 

All of a sudden I feel uneasy about asking my question and think twice about messing with him so early in the morning. I ask anyways, ignoring the feeling. “How do you think two guys have sex?”

 

Dean pulls his shirt the rest of the way down, shock evident in his face. “What?”

 

I take a deep breath. “Well I have a general idea but I want to make sure you and me both are on the same page.”

 

Dean stares at me with his eyebrows raised in stunned silence. He clears his throat. “Yeah I have a general idea but if you want clarification we can always use Sammy’s laptop to look up gay porn.”

 

“You want to look up gay porn? Don’t you only look up women?” I ask.

 

“That was before I fell in love with another man.” He says with a loving smile. “In fact looking that up on Sam’s laptop is perfect. We’ll leave it on the screen and when he opens it he’ll have nightmares for years.” He laughs and I laugh too.

 

Once we both stop laughing Dean looks at me seriously. “Have you ever even looked up any kind of porn?”

 

“No.” I say defensively but Dean is looking at me as if he knows better. “Fine, I have once and it involved some pizza guy, but I didn’t watch it for him I watched it for the woman he was with.”

 

“Really a woman?” Dean asks.

 

“When I was trying to figure out whether I’m gay or not.” I clarify.

 

Dean looks curious. “And how did that work for you?”

 

“Oh I’m sure you know.” I advert my eyes from Dean’s wide smirk. “I got turned on by the pizza guy instead of the woman Okay?” I turn bright red again.

 

Dean laughs as comes over to the end of my bed and crawls onto it to kiss me. He pulls away from the kiss.

 

“It’s not funny.” I say like a baby. “I was very conflicted.”

 

Dean continues to laugh. “I love seeing you all embarrassed.”

 

“Shut up.” I say playfully. “You know I like seeing you all embarrassed too.” I push him gently. I then look at the clock. “Don’t you have to get to school?”

 

Dean huffs then gets off the bed. “Yeah.”

 

“You nervous?” I ask, all seriousness back in my voice.

 

“A little.” Dean admits.

 

I look at him sympathetically. “You going to be okay?”

 

“You mean am I prepared to be bombarded with questions of whether we really are dating and when I confirm it to be called names and told how gross it is and even possibly lose some of my friends? I don’t know, I guess we’ll have to see when I get there and the questions begin.” He asks not looking at me but putting his leather jacket on.

 

I watch him closely, trying to read his body language. “You think she spread it that quickly?”

 

Dean shrugs. “I don’t know. Yesterday she could text it, call it, hell she could have even had time to see people in person to tell them. She also has before school starts on the actual school grounds and they’ll tell people, and so and so forth.”

 

I sigh. “So it’ll spread like wild fire.”

 

“Yep.” Dean agrees, nodding his head.

 

“Well then have fun.” I say sarcastically.

 

“Thank you.” He says sarcastically back. “I’ll see you on Saturday.” He kisses my lips gently.

 

“Okay I’ll see you bright and early Saturday morning then. Remember six o’clock.” I tell him as he walks to the door.

 

“Yep.” He smiles then leaves.

 

“You two were loud enough.” I turn to look at Lucifer who had just spoken. He still has his back to me.

 

I scratch the back of my neck in shame. “Sorry Lucifer, won’t happen again.”

 

“Whatever lover-boy.” He says, going quiet to indicate the conversation is over.

 

_What the hell?_ I think still looking at him.

 

Deciding that being loud and waking Lucifer up is bad, shouldn’t have happened and should be punished I grab the dog tag off the nightstand and get out of bed. I walk to the bathroom, close the door, lock it, and proceed with what I always do. Make myself bleed.

 

…

 

It’s almost time for Dean to come and pick me up. I’m just a little nervous and Lucifer, for some reason is pissed at me. “Lucifer would you just talk to me and tell me what I did wrong.”

 

“Leave me alone.” He snaps at me.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I ask desperately.

 

Lucifer turns on me, flames in his eyes and I flinch. “I said leave me alone.”

 

I feel hurt. “You know I would bring you and Chuck along if I could but you don’t even go to school since your nineteen and as far as I know neither does Chuck.”

 

I see Lucifer roll his eyes. “You don’t even know how old Chuck is do you?” I shake my head. “He’s eighteen.”

 

“Well does he go to school?” I ask.

 

“No he dropped out when he checked in here.” Lucifer told me. “But of course you wouldn’t know that.”

 

I’m getting tired of this situation. “Okay what’s your problem?”

 

“Nothing. You wouldn’t care anyways.” He pushes by me and leaves.

 

“Yes I would.” I say to myself, swallowing the lump in my throat that is fighting to spill over the edge.

 

I have to wait an extra thirty minutes for Dean to come. “Hey sorry I’m late. It was quite hard to get away from Dad.” He comes up to me and sits next to me from my place on the bed. I smile weakly at him. “You okay?”

 

I try to smile stronger but fail miserably. “Fine.”

 

“You sure? We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” He says rubbing the back of my neck.

 

“No I do.” I say quickly.

 

Dean still seems suspicious but doesn’t pressure me further. “Okay, I’ll go and try to convince them to let you ‘sleep over’ my place and sign you out.” He leaves me sitting alone in the room but comes back shortly after. “The plans a go. Come on let’s get out of here.”

 

For the rest of the day before the party we basically drove around town, stopping here and there but soon it’s time to go to the party.

 

Dean pulls up to the house, parking behind a Honda Accord EX-L. I take a deep breath.

 

“You know school wasn’t as bad as I thought. They all were pretty cool with it, whether it was an act or not I’m not sure.” Dean reassures and tries to comfort me.

 

“Thanks. Hopefully you being there then will have them ease up on me.” I tell him, looking out the window at all the people entering the house.

 

Dean grabs my opposite cheek and pulls me closer to him to kiss the cheek closest to him. “I’m sure it will be.” And with that he gets out.

 

I look at the door that is wide open to the house one more time before getting out myself.

 

We both walk up to the house, me walking close to Dean as everybody starts starring at me. I look up to Dean and I can tell he is just as uncomfortable with the stares as I am.

 

“Dean glad you could make it.” Someone I don’t even know comes up to us before we even get to the house with the overly loud music that I’m surprised the cops haven’t been called yet.

 

I hear whispers along with the stares. “Hey Patrick.” Dean says with a small fake smile.

 

The guy, supposedly named Patrick, looks at me in disgust. “You came with _him_?”

 

Dean looks harshly at him and pulls me closer. “Yeah you got a problem with that?”

 

“Actually I do.” And then he walks away.

 

I bite the inside of cheek, my anxiety rising slowly. _Maybe I shouldn’t have skipped the anti-anxiety pills, whether it killed me mixed with alcohol or not._ I think.

 

Dean nudges me. “Hey, that’s one guy. It’ll be fine.”

 

I think Dean is trying not only to convince me but convince himself. When we finally manage to get to the house and inside I immediately go to the alcohol. I grab a beer, deciding to start off easy, and grab one for Dean. I hand him the beer that he takes eagerly.

 

“Dean, glad you could make it! What’s going on?” Someone yells over the blasting music.

 

I take a swig of the beer and contemplate whether to grab something stronger instead.

 

Dean once again forces a smile on his pretty face and takes two gulps of his own cold one. “Hey dude.”

 

“Where have you been going lately after school?” The guy asks. I still don’t know his name.

 

Dean wraps his arm around my shoulders. “With my boyfriend.”

 

The guy’s smile fades and he goes completely pale. Obviously the news hasn’t gotten to him yet. “Oh.” Is all he says as he looks at me. His face scrunches up in deep thought. His eyes become wide as he realizes something. “Hey aren’t you that kid that cuts himself?”

 

I force a smile. “That’s me.”

 

“Can I see?” He doesn’t wait for an answer before grabbing my arm and lifting up my sleeve to scrunch up at my elbow. “Dude it’s true.”

 

“I think you should let go of him now.” Dean says sternly.

 

He let’s go of my wrist and I pull it away, pulling my sleeve back down. “Okay okay.” The guy throws his hands up in surrender then walks away.

 

I hear Dean sigh. “You want to leave yet?”

 

I swallow another lump in my throat. “No, they can say whatever they want. And anyways it hasn’t been that bad.” I say stubbornly, taking multiple gulps of my beer.

 

“Okay.” Dean says.

 

“Besides, as long as they don’t know about my mom, Gabe and Dad, I’m fine.” I tell him with a real smile.

 

“Good.” Dean says with an equally big smile.

 

What I hear next makes my smile disappear however. “Hey faggots! Get out of here. This party is for straight people only.” I look over to see a guy with his hand cupped around his mouth, looking straight at us.

 

He’s with a group of people and one of the other guys turns to us and yells loud enough for most people to hear, “Yeah get out of here or else we’ll beat the shit out of you two!” I flinch and Dean steps in front of me.

 

“Touch him and I’ll kill you.” Dean growls to them.

 

They laugh and leave.

 

I just stare shocked that human beings could be so cruel.

 

“I told you, you would pay.” I hear Lisa’s voice behind me and I spin around in surprise, face to face to her, so close that we are almost touching. Her eyes are looking into mine and they are icy cold but full of hot rage at the same time.

 

I feel her breath on my lips and it causes goose bumps along my spine. I’m petrified and can’t seem to move, to move away from her gaze full of hatred.

 

“Step away from him now Lisa.” Dean’s voice penetrates through the pounding noise of my heart.

 

She backs up only slightly. I let out my breath I hadn’t realized I’ve been holding.

 

She smirks at Dean but her next statement is obviously directed towards me. “I hope you have a _great_ time at the party.” Then she walks away with a satisfied smile.

 

“You okay?” Dean comes up close to me.

 

I manage to move enough to nod. I watch Lisa walk up to someone, whisper in his ear clearly looking at us, then points in our direction.

 

“I wonder what she’s up to.” Dean says so quietly that I almost miss it.

 

The guy then nods and makes his way up us. I prepare for the worst.

 

“Hey you two.” He says in such a way that it almost reminds me of Gabe and that notion pains me.

 

Dean steps closer to me. “Whatever Lisa wants you to do don’t even think about it and if this is your decision then don’t even think about that either.” Dean immediately comes to my defense.

 

The guy throws his hands up in defense much like the other guy. “Hey I’m not going to do anything. I just wanted to warn you that everybody, including me, knows everything there possibly is to know about you Castiel and that they’ll probably use that against you.”

 

“They don’t know everything.” I tell him, feeling a little better that this guy isn’t going to do whatever stupid ass thing bitch wants him to do.

 

“Oh yeah?” He smirks at me and I realize how wrong I was to think that this guy is better than everybody else at this party. “Then how come I know that you’re a queer, cut yourself, tried to commit suicide, and now you’re in a mental hospital?”

 

I look at him harshly, desperate to stand my ground. “That’s all you know though.”

 

“Oh yeah?” He says again and my heart sinks. “We also know that your perfect little daddy and precious big brother died in a car accident and your mom blames you for it.”

 

“Stop it.” I say, feeling my wall breaking and Dean’s hands fold into tight fists.

 

The guy doesn’t listen though and continues as my anger rises. “And because mommy blames you for the accident she started to beat you and call you names.”

 

“Stop.” I say so quietly that I’m sure he doesn’t hear. Tears are rimming my eyes.

 

Dean looks at me. “Hey stop it now.” He says to the guy.

 

“And eventually mommy gives up his gay little son she could never be proud of and leaves you… All. Alone.” He finally finishes and I snap.

 

I punch him knocking him backwards and tripping to the floor. “I said shut the fuck up!” I yell at him as I get on him and start punching him over and over again, tears escaping my eyes, music going silent and everybody turning to look at us. “You know nothing, NOTHING, about me! You’re a worthless piece of shit, not me!” I continue my brutal assault.

 

I feel a hand grab my raised arm, posed to strike the man underneath me. “Cas stop. Stop it.”

 

“Don’t you ever say that you know anything about me you fucking ass hole!” I try to get away from Dean’s grip.

 

“Stop it now Cas.” Dean pulls me up with me still struggling.

 

“The bunch of you all can burn in Hell!” I scream at everyone.

 

Dean pulls me closer and I bury my face in his shoulder, sobbing in front of everyone. I hear them whispering, I hear someone go up and help the guy I punched. “Shhh. It’s okay.” Dean sooths and pats my head. I know he’s glaring at everyone. “Let’s go outside.” He drags me along and I stop my crying but don’t look anyone in the eyes.

 

We get out into the cool night air. I don’t make eye contact with Dean.

 

“Cas you okay?” I glance up to Dean and sobs start all over again as soon as I see into those green orbs. “Hey hey, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I promise I’ll protect you.” He pulls me into his body again and just lets me cry.

 

“How they’d know that stuff about me Dean? The teachers didn’t even know how my Dad and brother died so how’d did they?” I sob out.

 

“I don’t know Cas. I really wish I did know so I could do something about it.” He squeezes me tighter.

 

I pull away. “Can we go please?”

 

One look into my eyes causes Dean to nod his head and direct me to the Impala.

 

When Dean starts driving away I just look out the window. “You were right you know.”

 

“For what?” He asks confused.

 

“This was a bad idea. I should have listened to you Dean but stupid me didn’t.” I say harshly to myself.

 

“Cas you’re not stupid. I was wrong too. I went along with going so it was my mistake too.” Dean says and I don’t say anything back.

 

We pull into Dean’s driveway soon, get out, and go inside to make our way to Dean’s room. By this point I’m calmed down and go sit on his bed. Dean lies down beside me and I look down at him. “What are you thinking?” I ask him.

 

Dean sighs and pulls me down to his side. “Those ass holes.” I don’t say anything. “You going to be okay?”

 

“Yeah I think so. I’ll just have to accept that they know.” I say.

 

“You did some thinking on the ride here.” He says, tone a little lighter now that we are calming down.

 

“I’m just tired of putting up with their bull.” I tell him.

 

Dean agrees. “Me too.”

 

We lie there for a really long time before Dean sits up. “Your hand must really hurt. I know how it feels to punch someone. Let me go get you some ice.” He gets up and leaves to return a few minute later with ice in a bag with paper towel around it.

 

I give him my right hand, the one I punched the living hell out of that guy, and Dean puts the ice on it. It feels good against the pain that I didn’t realize was there.

 

I watch Dean intently and we sit there for minutes before the calm look on Dean’s extraordinary face overwhelms me. I pull my hand away from his and press my lips to his almost experimentally at first but soon deepen it when Dean gets eager.

 

He presses both our chest together and in turn I push him down onto the bed. I’m sitting in his lap as I lean down to kiss him again but Dean stops me. “What is it?” I ask, a little breathless.

 

“Are you sure you’re ready?” He asks, sounding a little frightened.

 

I rub my thumb against his cheek. “Yeah I think so.”

 

“But we haven’t watched the gay porn yet.” He blurts out, high pitched.

 

I smile and chuckle. “You were serious about that?”

 

Dean nods quickly.

 

I sit up. “Dean if you’re not ready then it’s fine. I won’t pressure you into it.” I climb off of him.

 

“Thanks Cas.” Dean mutters as if embarrassed.

 

We lie there in awkward silence after.

 

We don’t lie there in silence too long however because Deans sits up on his left elbow to peer down at me. “You know, what am I thinking?”

 

I furrow my brows. “I don’t know I can’t read your mind.”

 

“No that’s not what I mean. I don’t know what I’m thinking not being ready for sex with you.” Dean fixes.

 

“Dean I’m confused.” I tell him.

 

“Well I love you and most of the girls I have sex with I don’t actually love. I just wanted a quickie but you, why would I not be ready to make love to someone I _actually_ love?” He admits.

 

“So what are you saying?” I ask, still kind of confused.

 

“I’m saying I’m ready Cas and that I was stupid to think that I wasn’t.” He says with a smile.

 

“Really?” I ask for clarification.

 

“Yeah.” He says then kisses me fiercely. He climbs up on me and we both open our mouths at the same time to grant each other’s tongues access.

 

We dance our tongues together for a while before we break apart and start removing our shirts. After Dean’s shirt is completely off he dives back down to my mouth, pressing his bare chest to me and his chest is on fire it’s so hot. I’m not sure if it is Dean’s or my heart pounding in my ears but whose ever it is I’m scared it’s going to pound out of the chest cavity.

 

Dean rolls his hips onto mine and I moan with the friction causing Dean to moan too.

 

I reach down to Dean’s belt buckle and try to undo it but can’t seem to do it right without looking. I break away from Dean taking a needed breath. “I can’t get this stupid thing undone.”

 

Dean sits up and helps with unbuckling his belt and lets me pull his pants down his thighs. He kicks them the rest of the way off.

 

I take a look at Dean. He is slick with sweat and an evident bulge is showing causing his boxers to pitch. I whimper in want.

 

Dean smiles at the small noise I make and kisses my lips one more time before moving to my neck, grabbing the elastic of my hospital bottoms. He pulls them down a little roughly and murmurs, “Sorry.” Before gently pulling them the rest of the way down. He then doesn’t waste any time pulling my boxers down revealing my hard dick.

 

He hesitates above it and I see him swallow with being nervous. His breath on the tip is agonizing and I squirm until I feel Dean’s mouth wrap around me. “Oh God, Dean!” I almost yell out but try to keep as quiet as possible as to not alert Sam who is in the _other_ room.

 

Too late. We both hear a knock and we both bolt upright. “Dean, you in there?”

 

Dean jumps up off the bed and I grab the cover to cover myself. Dean opens the door a crack. “Yeah?”

 

“Hey I was wondering…” Sam pushes his way in with a warning from Dean. “Can I-“ He stops mid sentence and mid stride and just stares at me then to Dean.

 

Dean presses the bottom half of his body against the door to hide his erection and whines from the uncomfortable feeling.

 

“Oh.” Sam says then turns around to leave. “Carry on.”

 

“Sam wait.” Dean says quickly while I turn bright red.

 

“Dean I’m cool with it. I don’t really care who you sleep with.” He begins leaving again.

 

“Sammy you can’t tell Dad.” Dean says desperately.

 

“Don’t worry Dean I won’t but you can’t keep it from him forever.” The youngest Winchester says then goes back into his own room.

 

Dean shuts the door with a sigh. “Well that was awkward.”

 

I nod.

 

“You turned off now?” Dean asks, obviously not himself. I shake my head. “Good.” Dean says relieved and returns to the bed and kisses me slowly but I’m so turned on that it’s painful and I’m soon grabbing at Dean’s own boxers.

 

I pull them down revealing his own hard on and Dean grabs something from his nightstand draw. It’s a tube of some sort. “What is that?” I ask completely clueless.

 

Dean chuckles. “It’s something to make things easier. In my experience it hurts woman, especially their first time, so why not men.” He squeezes it onto his hand and the butterflies finally return to my stomach. “I’ll try to be as gentle as possible and make it so it doesn’t hurt too bad.” He kisses me as he reaches down and enters a finger into me. I accidently bite down hard on Dean’s lips and he hisses in pain.

 

“S-sorry.” I manage to get out.

 

Dean slowly moves his finger in and out, eventually adding a second finger. He kisses me the whole time, trying to ease the pain.

 

The thing that I’ll never admit to him though is that the pain is turning me on even more and feels way to damn good.

 

He pulls his fingers out and slicks up his dick then positions himself. “You ready?” He asks through breathlessness.

 

I nod and grab his shoulders. As he enters I squeeze my eyes shut, grit my teeth together, and tighten my grip on him that I’m sure is so tight that my nails will break the skin soon.

 

“Easy Cas.” He tells me and I loosen my grip slightly but not much.

 

It hurts, but it hurts so damn good. “Don’t stop.”

 

“I’m letting you… adjust.” He tells me.

 

“Don’t need to, please just move.” I beg.

 

“Okay but tell me if it gets too much.” He begins to move inside me.

 

I moan loudly in pure pleasure, not only from the pain but from everything else too. From having Dean so close to me.

 

Then I feel it, the ultimate pleasure. “Oh my…” I don’t get to finish what I’m saying from Dean hitting that same spot.

 

“You like that?” Dean breathes onto my ear, biting the lobe lightly.

 

“Dean.” Is all I manage to get out.

 

One more in motion from Dean and I’ve had it. Pleasure fills my whole body and I squeeze my eyes close. Dean kisses my lips swallowing my scream in his mouth as he enters his tongue into my own. He then leans away and into my ear. “Shh Cas, we don’t want Sam to hear.”

 

“I love you.” Is all I can say and that’s enough for Dean to get off of.

 

He dips his head into my shoulder as he tries to muffle his own load moan. I feel something wet inside me and it feels weird. Then I feel that same warm, wet, liquid drip out of me and onto the bed as Dean pulls out. I whimper from the empty feeling it gives me.

 

We lay side by side, not moving, not talking, only trying to catch our breath.

 

Once our breathing is almost back to normal Dean swallows and finally speaks. “You’re all sweaty.”

 

I manage an exhausted laugh. “So are you.”

 

“You stink of sex.” He says next.

 

I laugh again. “Again, so do you.”

 

A long pause. “So for your first time how was it?”

 

I close my eyes in remembrance. “Fantastic.” Is all I can say to describe the situation.

 

Dean nods beside me. “That’s good.” He pauses again. “We should probably go take a shower.”

 

My eyes are still closed. “Mmm.” I hum and move to lie my head on his still burning up, sweaty chest.

 

Dean begins stroking my hair. “Or we could wait ‘till tomorrow. I have to change my bedding now anyways.”

 

I don’t answer, too tired too.

 

“Cas?” Dean asks but I still don’t answer. The last thing I remember before falling asleep is Dean’s lips pressing to the top of my head in a kiss and his sweet words. “Good night Cas, I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first time writing anything that had to do with sex so please be kind. Thank you.
> 
> This chapter is really, really, really long. I didn’t realize how long the beginning was until I was almost done with the whole chapter. I decided to keep everything though.
> 
> Sorry again about the beginning being so slow. It kind of got away from me and started controlling itself.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to two songs that I think fit perfectly with the scene towards the end. If you listen to the song before (or after I suppose) you’ll know what I mean. The two songs are Forgiven by Within Temptation and Lullaby by Nickelback. I had to listen to these two songs over and over again just to make sure I got a good enough mood setting. LOL.

**Chapter 18:**

 

I wake up in the morning half on top of Dean, legs intertwined with each other, both of us still naked. Dean is asleep and I sit up a little to look at him. “Now I know why you liked watching me sleep.” I whisper to the sleeping form underneath me. “You’re so cute when you’re sleeping. I wish I could stay like this forever.” I rub his cheek with the back of my hand. A smile forms on my face. “You know, I’m probably too young to be thinking like this but, I want to spend the rest of my life with you Dean. I want to die by your side.” My smile vanishes. “Loving you hurts so much Dean. Why does it hurt?”

 

He moves under me so I still. He settles back down and sighs in his sleep.

 

Once he is settled I run my fingers through his short hair. I kiss his forehead, cheek, and eventually his lips. I lay my head on his chest. “Don’t leave me, okay Dean? Please don’t ever leave me.”

 

Dean stirs again but instead of going back to sleep, he wakes up. “Hey, how long have you been up?”

 

“Not long.” I stare into his eyes.

 

Dean smiles. “And you watched me sleep?”

 

“Gets you back for watching me.” I say lightly.

 

Dean laughs and pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. He stares up at the ceiling while I stare at the wall listening to his heart beat. I don’t ever want to hear this rhythmic beating stop.

 

“Cas, are you happy?” Dean asks out of the blue.

 

“I think you know that answer.” I don’t sit up.

 

Dean sighs and quietly, almost to himself, says, “That’s what I was afraid of.”

 

I try to comfort him. “I’m better if that helps.” I wonder if that is entirely true.

 

Dean remains quiet until there is a knock at his bedroom door. “Who is it?”

 

“Sam.” Sam’s voice calls.

 

“I wouldn’t come in unless you want to see a part of your brother you’ve never wanted to see before.” Dean teases.

 

I can almost hear Sam grimace. “Awe you know Dean… gross.”

 

Dean chokes a laugh. “What do you need Sammy?”

 

There’s a pause before Sam speaks. “Dad wants me to let you know he’s going to the store.”

 

“Okay thanks Sam.” Dean calls then looks at me.

 

“What?” I ask.

 

Dean smiles. “I can’t stare at my boyfriend?”

 

I kiss his chest before answering. “You can but why are you?”

 

“I like your eyes, no I love your eyes.” Dean rubs my cheek. “They’re so beautiful. They’re…” He pauses and stares into my eyes. “angel like.” I smile happily. Dean begins rubbing my back. “We should probably go take a shower and _you_ should take it first just in case Dad gets home early.”

 

I nod and get up, grab the extra clothes that I brought, and head off to the shower after wrapping a towel around my waist.

 

Once in the bathroom and the door is locked I turn the water to warm. I step into the shower and allow the water to calm me, last night still playing in my head; and not the good part of last night.

 

After the shower and getting dressed I make my way to Dean’s door. I knock on it and enter when he says too. He’s got his bed spread in a pile on the floor and is putting a new one on. There is a towel around his waist.

 

He smiles at me then walks passed me, patting my shoulder. I decide to finish making his bed for him. When he returns he is sopping wet. It makes me lick my lips and stare at his perfect chest.

 

Dean walks over to his bureau and drops his towel. My jaw literally drops.

 

Dean looks over his shoulder to me and winks. He freaking winks that teasing bastard!

 

I swallow, my mouth suddenly watering way too much.

 

Dean puts on a pair of boxers and chuckles. “Jeez Cas, don’t stare at me as if you’re going to pounce on me.”

 

My mouth curves up. “It’s your own fault Dean.”

 

Dean sniggers and finishes getting dressed. He’s still smiling when we hear Sam call up the stairs. “Dean door.”

 

Dean gives me a look then exits his room hurriedly, I follow slower.

 

I just get to the door to see Dean trying to shut the door but a hand and a foot is stopping him.

 

“Get out of here now.” Dean says angrily to whoever is behind the door and the harshness in his voice makes me stop dead in my tracks, a good ten feet from Dean.

 

Whoever is behind the door ignores Dean and pushes the door open with help indicating they aren’t alone. Once the person is inside my blood runs cold and fear engulf my being.

 

The group of five guys that are standing in front of me is the group of guys that threatened Dean and I at Ash’s party.

 

Dean tries to run to me but two of the guys grab him and it being two people, Dean isn’t strong enough to get away. “Run Cas, go.” He tells me urgently.

 

For a moment I’m frozen in place until one of the guys move towards me and I turn around and start running back upstairs but someone grabs my ankle, tripping me. I throw my hands in front of me to catch myself causing me to hurt my wrist.

 

“Uh, uh, uh, not so fast.” The guy that grabbed me says. He pulls me up, turns me around to face Dean, and keeping me in place by wrapping his arm around my neck. “We’re going to have some fun.”

 

He pulls out a knife from his back pocket and holds it to my throat. I see fear flash through Dean’s face but is quickly replaced with anger. “What are you doing with that?”

 

“We’re going to teach you two exactly how gross it is to be attracted to the same sex.” The guy rubs the knife along my cheek then across my neck. “How do you suppose we do that?”

 

“Don’t you hurt him.” Dean growls and struggles against the two guys holding him.

 

The guy smirks. “Who would you rather have us hurt, your lover or your precious baby brother?”

 

One of the guys that I didn’t realize was gone walks in with Sam by the arms, knife to his throat. “Dean.” Sam says frightened, almost pathetically.

 

“Don’t worry Sammy. Everything will be just fine, I promise.” He looks extremely angry at the guy holding me. “You let my brother go now.”

 

“Choose Dean.” The guy says smugly to Dean.

 

I try to distract him. “What’s your name? I should know the name of my teacher.”

 

I can practically feel the large smirk on the psychopath’s face. “Raphael.”

 

My heart is beating so hard that I’m sure it is going to pound out of my chest for Raphael to carve into tiny bits.

 

Raphael lifts the knife to my cheek again. “Choose Dean.” He says again, this time making a small cut on my cheek. I feel the blood drip to my chin.

 

“You can’t ask me to choose.” Dean pleads.

 

“I would though unless you want your boyfriend’s or brother’s lifeless body in a puddle of their own blood.” Raphael says menacingly.

 

I know Dean is going to choose me. Not only would he never let anybody hurt Sam but it also makes sense, the logical choice. I’m the one who can tolerate the pain. I know for a fact that I’ll enjoy the pain but that’s not what I’m afraid of, I’m afraid Dean is going to see just how much I crave the flow of blood out of my wounds, the sting of something breaking the skin and tearing blood vessels. I don’t want him to see how weak I am.

 

“Okay.” Dean sounds defeated. “I choose Cas. Cas is who I choose.”

 

Snickering Raphael says, “Oh, the boyfriend sacrificing his own lover to save his wee little brother. How cute.” His hand slides to my abdomen and it causes goose bumps to run up my back with unease.

 

“Just let my brother go.” Dean sounds like he is desperate.

 

Raphael doesn’t listen. “Where should we make the first cut Dean?”

 

Dean looks shocked. “You want me to choose?”

 

“Just for the first one.” Raphael says coldly.

 

Dean glances to Sam then back to Raphael, he slumps slightly. “Top of his arm. Make the cut there.” His eyes are reflecting sadness and I wonder what my own eyes are reflecting. I hope it’s not the excitement that I’m feeling for the anticipation of being cut. God, how bad I want him to dig that knife into my arm. I haven’t gotten cut by something sharp in a long time and I crave it badly.

 

Raphael grabs my right arm roughly, hard enough to keep me there, not that I was going to go anywhere, not with the impending physical pain that is going to give me so much pleasure. Damn how much I love it.

 

He starts slicing into the top of my arm lightly, not hard enough to bring ultimate pleasure, and I subconsciously push up with my arm into the knife to draw more pain. It feels… heavenly, completely awesome.

 

I bite my bottom lip to try and suppress a moan. It doesn’t work that well and the moan slips passed my lips to the open air. I hope Dean thinks that was from the pain and not sensuous.

 

I look to Dean through half lidded eyes and my wish and hope is crushed when I look into his eyes.

 

Pure betrayal is shinning in his eyes and I know, right there and then, that Dean knows I’m enjoying the pain. I hate that look.

 

“Look at that Dean, Castiel is enjoying this.” Raphael says, flipping my arm over and cutting across all the scars.

 

I squeeze my eyes shut trying to ignore the sensation it gives me. I don’t notice Raphael’s fingers playing with the elastic of my pants until he lets it snap back and my eyes shoot open.

 

 _What the hell is he doing?_ Panic starts boiling in the pit of my stomach.

 

Raphael brings the knife to my stomach and drags it up to my chest bringing my shirt with him, leaving a trail of blood from the long cut he makes. “Now, let’s show you how dirty being gay really is.” Raphael whispers in my ear and I freeze and my muscles stiffen.

 

He runs his hand around my waist and my breathing is getting heavy from panic. He reaches the spot just above my groin and he slips his fingers just below the elastic when a gruff voice calls out. “Freeze and put your hands up.”

 

Cops. The freaking cops and I thank God over and over again for their perfect timing.

 

The police barge in and Raphael drops the knife and let’s go of me immediately. I relax and let out a long breath. The guy holding Sam lets him go and the two guys holding Dean let him go too. Dean runs to Sam, kneeling to not be taller than him. “Sammy are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine Dean. I called the cops before they caught me.” Sam responds.

 

I watch him making sure Sam is okay, me not daring to move even an inch as the police arrest the five guys. Dean hugs Sam for a long time.

 

I finally manage to tear my eyes from Dean and Sam to look down at my chest. I see blood is staining the white shirt.

 

“Kid you okay?” I’m snapped out of my shocked gaze. “Let’s bring you to the paramedics.” The woman who just came up to me says and guides me along. I steal a glance to Dean to see he is still with Sam.

 

 _That’s good that he’s making sure Sam is fine._ I think trying to ignore the sense of neglect as the woman and I reach the ambulance.

 

A young intern greets me along with her mentor. “Okay honey let’s get these wounds cleaned.”

 

As the paramedics start cleaning my cuts I watch as Dean comes out of the house, closely followed by Sam, and a cop goes up to them to question them.

 

“Honey is this where you’re living?” The older paramedic asks me. I shake my head, still watching Dean. “Is there anyone you would like us to call?” Again I shake my head. “Well then in that case you are all set.”

 

I still have that nagging tingle of neglect, since Dean has yet to show any interest if I’m okay let alone where I am, so I begin walking down the street.

 

I don’t get very far before a police officer stops me for questioning. After I’m done answering his pestering questions I continue walking.

 

Finally being alone gives me a chance to have the whole situation play out in my head over and over again, towards the end sticking out the most. _Was he going to rape me?_ The thought pops up more than once and the only answer I can come up with is… yes.

 

The thought causes goose bumps to form on my body and I shiver. I just realize I’m walking around outside with no jacket in the middle of winter, bare feet crunching on the fallen snow.

 

I look up to the sky, the shock dwindling away and realization settles in and I can feel the fear, the disgust with myself, well up inside me and I have to bite my bottom lip to stop myself from crying.

 

Feeling weak and shaking I sink to the ground, back resting on a nearby fence, and pull my knees up to my chest. I bury my face in my knees and I can’t hold back the tears anymore, everything crashing down on me.

 

I sob as quietly as possible, silently hoping passerby’s pay no attention to me.

 

I feel something heavy and warm land on my shoulders. I look up, tears still in my eyes, to see Dean organizing my coat on my shoulders. He kneels down in front of me and puts socks and sneakers on my feet.

 

He then comes to my side and sits down with a heavy sigh. “You shouldn’t have run off like that. I was worried about you and started to look for you but couldn’t find you. I began to panic.” He doesn’t look at me and just stares out into the street.

 

I’ve stopped my crying. “Thought you may have wanted…” I take a deep, uneven breath in. “some time with Sam.”

 

Dean finally looks at me, sorrow in his eyes. “And you.” He brushes a piece of hair off my forehead. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.” His voice cracks.

 

I move closer to him, needing the familiar warmth, the feeling of safety, and he pulls me closer. I rest my head under his chin. “It’s okay Dean, I love you anyways.”

 

Dean doesn’t respond, sounds to choked up too. Instead he kisses the top of my head and takes in a shaky breath and blows it out steadily. I think I feel something warm and wet land on the top of my head but I’m not sure and can’t help wondering if Dean is crying.

 

…

 

I’m sitting on Dean’s couch next to Sam, staring into space when his dad comes home. I’ve changed my shirt to the one I had on yesterday and threw the blood stained one out.

 

John is in the kitchen, angry murmuring coming from inside.

 

Dean comes in angrily, grabs his coat, and storms out the door yelling, “Let’s go Cas, I’m bringing you home.”

 

I hurry and follow him. I hear John yell out the door to Dean. “Get your ass back in here Dean Winchester!”

 

Dean slams the door of the Impala as he gets in. I get in after him and he starts driving. His cell phone rings, the caller ID saying ‘Dad’.

 

He throws the phone into the back seat after turning it off. He’s gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles are white.

 

“Dean?” I ask hesitantly.

 

“The fucking bastard! Instead of being concerned about your safety, he yells at me for bringing you over and letting you sleep over. It’s a good thing he doesn’t know about the party because if he did…” He trails off. “He’s so damn inconsiderate.”

 

I’m not sure what to say so I just stay quiet. Dean glances at me quickly before watching the road again.

 

We sit in pure silence for a good ten minutes until I talk. “Your dad hates me because I’m a fag, huh?”

 

“Cas don’t call yourself that and no, he doesn’t hate you he’s just not used to guys liking other guys.” Dean says.

 

I sigh, looking out the side window. “We’re never going to be able to tell him about us are we?” I ask, not even hiding the disappointment in my voice.

 

Dean too sighs. “No we’ll be able to, I just have to ease him into the idea. Drop hints, you know?” I think he is trying to assure himself more than me.

 

I don’t say anything back and just stare into space, trying to think of anything, _anything_ , other than what happened this morning. My nightmares are sure to return. _Great._

 

“Dean?” I decide now is as good a time as any. “Balthazar wants you to come with me for my next session. I was thinking when we get back we can go and see him. I don’t want to go alone but I do want to go.”

 

Dean seems to get even angrier. “What does he want?”

 

The harshness in his voice makes me flinch.

 

It doesn’t go unnoticed by Dean and he sighs. “I’m sorry Cas, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just frustrated that’s all.” I go silent. Once again Dean sighs. “I’ll go okay.” He looks at me for a split second.

 

We are quiet for a while until a question pops into my head. “Dean, can I ask you something serious?”

 

He glances at me. “Sure?”

 

“When we get older can we move to a state that allows same sex marriage and get married because-“ Dean cuts me off and I don’t look at him.

 

“Cas, Don’t you think we’re too young to be thinking that?” I can hear the shock and slight fear in his voice.

 

My heart breaks but I try not to show it. “Uh… yeah, yeah, of course.” I look into my lap.

 

Dean once again glances at me. “Look Cas I’m not trying or meaning to hurt you but-“ This time I’m the one to cut him off.

 

“Dean I understand. You’re right, we’re too young. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I still don’t look at him, trying to hold back the tears.

 

“Hey Cas don’t cry on me please.” Dean pleads.

 

I finally look up to him with the strongest mask on I’ve got and smile big. “I’m not crying Dean.”

 

He doesn’t look convinced but goes back to watching the road and I go back to studying my lap.

 

When we both get into the hospital after the drive that seemed to take forever, Dean and I go check myself in. “How was your first night sleeping away from this place?” The receptionist asks me.

 

I smile. “Great, it was great.” I try my best to make it sound as real as possible, even though only one part out of last night was great.

 

She smiles warmly back. “That’s good.”

 

As Dean continues signing me in I begin to space out, thinking of the party, thinking of Raphael’s hand sneaking down into my pants and I try so hard to think of the only good part of last night. The sex.

 

I try desperately to think of it, hold onto the memory, thrive on it. To have it over power the negative but one positive times one negative still makes a negative, and the over powering words from everyone, Patrick, Lisa, Raphael and his goons, won’t stop ringing in my ears and I can feel Raphael’s hand rubbing my skin, the lift of the elastic on my pants and…

 

“Cas.” Dean snaps me out of my day dream and I hadn’t realized I’ve been shaking. “You okay?”

 

I look into his eyes, stare deep into them to see the pure hot love that I need so desperately to see. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“You sure?” Dean tries to get clarification.

 

“Can we just go see Balthazar now?” I ask.

 

Dean stares for a little longer then nods. He holds out his hand indicating for me to go. “Lead the way captain.”

 

I begin walking, my heart pounding too hard in my chest. I hate it, I want it to stop, to still. Just stop beating, please stop beating! By the time I reach Balthazar’s door I don’t want to tell him what’s going on.

 

I tell Dean this and he says that he might as well get his visit done and over with now, since he’s here.

 

I knock on Balthazar’s door. “Come in.” His usual greeting.

 

“Balthazar?” My voice shakes slightly. “I know it’s not my scheduled time but Dean is here now and we were wondering if you had time to just talk to him about whatever you wanted to talk to him about.”

 

Balthazar looks at his watch, nods, then looks back at me. “Yeah we should have time.”

 

I walk in and sit in my usual spot, Dean following me. I can tell he feels uncomfortable and out of place.

 

Balthazar wastes no time with getting started, grabbing my folder. He must have another appointment soon. “Dean, I would like to get to know you a little. Now I know I’m not you’re therapist but please do try to be honest and open as possible. Even though you are not one of my clients whatever you say now and in the future is strictly confidential. Do you understand?” Dean nods. “Good. Now tell me what you like.”

 

“I like old rock groups, my Impala, pie… mmmm… pie.” Dean says and it makes me smile.

 

“What about people? Like any people?” Balthazar asks.

 

Dean puffs out his cheek then deflates them. “Sure, my friends.”

 

Balthazar is jotting down everything Dean says. “And Castiel is in that category?”

 

“No.” I look to Dean surprised and Balthazar too looks confused. “He’s not in the category of like he’s in the category of love. In fact pie should actually be in that category too.” He gets back on track. “I don’t like Cas, I love him.”

 

“Cas being his nickname?” Balthazar continues, pleased with Dean’s answer.

 

“Since preschool. I remember I couldn’t say his full name so I started calling him Cas.” Dean replies.

 

This is when Balthazar decides to get more serious. “You love Cas and that’s why you decided to hit him?”

 

If only I had a camera to capture Dean’s face. It was epic bewilderment. “Excuse me?”

 

I’m getting uneasy now and I begin bouncing my leg.

 

“I asked almost the same question to Castiel but I can’t tell you his answer.” Balthazar mentions.

 

I quickly turn to Dean, nerves on fire. “I didn’t sell you out Dean, I swear.”

 

“I believe you Cas.” Dean says still looking at Balthazar.

 

Balthazar continues looking serious. “I’m glad to see you trust Castiel.” He pauses. “Tell me Dean how many times you’ve hurt this young man here?”

 

Dean looks overwhelmed and I’m way passed that. “Um… well… that was a onetime thing, guarantee.”

 

Almost my exact words and Balthazar looks at him suspicion all over his face. “So you’ve never hurt Castiel other than that time.?”

 

My mind flashes to the Christmas dinner in the bathroom, pinned to the door. I can’t take it. “Ok that’s enough. I need to get out of here.” I get up and storm out. I’m completely freaking out.

 

“Hey, Cas, wait up.” Dean catches up to me. “What’s wrong?”

 

I answer by saying. “Those questions were making me uneasy.” Dean doesn’t say anything. I feel as if I need to go, escape, anything to just get _away_. I need to get away. “Can I please be alone? I just need to be alone.”

 

Dean looks hurt but quickly covers it. “Yeah sure, of course.”

 

“Thank you.” I mutter under my breath.

 

Dean kisses my temple then leaves. I know I’ve hurt him but I really need to just get away from everybody. I need time alone. Just need alone time.

 

I take multiple deep breaths trying to calm myself. I feel like I’m suffocating. I rub my face, noticing that I’m shaking.

 

I walk out into the fenced in yard that they have. There are only two people here, none of who I know. I walk over to a tree and sit under it, pulling my knees close to me; hugging them as if that’s the only thing I can trust to _touch_ me.

 

I squeeze my eyes shut trying to escape, escape everything, trying to ignore the flashes of Raphael and the crawling feeling on my skin where his hand had been.

 

I watch as one of the people start talking to himself. “Hello how are you?” … “That’s good.”

 

 _I’m insane. I’m insane._ I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do. _Help, please help._

 

My dog tag jingles on my neck and I grab it to look at it. I just stare at it. I put the end of it in my mouth, biting on it.

 

I drop the tag back to my neck and get back up. I make my way slowly to my room, silently hoping Lucifer isn’t there because I don’t think I can handle him ignoring me.

 

Unfortunately Lucifer is there and when I set eyes on him I almost start crying right there but I manage to hold it in. I go and lie on my bed, closing my eyes but opening them almost immediately from seeing Raphael’s face under my lids.

 

For the rest of the afternoon I just lie there staring at the ceiling. I only drag myself up to go to lunch and dinner, forcing myself to eat.

 

When I get back to the room Lucifer finally talks to me. “So how was the _party_?” He sounds pissed.

 

“Can we please not do this right now? I’m not having the greatest of days.” I tell him.

 

“When are you not having a bad day?” Lucifer says harshly and I just nod my head.

 

I take a deep breath. “I just don’t want to argue right now Lucifer please?”

 

“No you wanted to know what the hell is wrong with me. I tell you what’s fucking bothering me.” He practically yells and I don’t look him in the eyes. “It’s Dean.”

 

I finally look at him in surprise. “Dean? What about Dean?”

 

“He’s not good for you! After everything he did to hurt you, you still go crawling back to him.” He tries to keep his voice down.

 

“Because I love him.” Now my voice is rising and I feel like shit.

 

Lucifer shakes his head in anger. “How can you love him after everything he has done to you? After hurting you so many times.”

 

“Why do you even care?” I ask, voice shaking.

 

“Because you’re like a brother to me and I care about you Castiel. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” He yells and pushes pass me and leaves.

 

 _He called me Castiel. He called me… Castiel._ I’m left dumbfounded and speechless. _Castiel, why’d he call me that?_

 

My breath is becoming uneven and I feel like I’m falling apart.

 

I quickly walk up to the front desk. “Can I use the phone?”

 

The receptionist looks at me. “Are you okay?”

 

“I will be if I can just use the phone, please?” I say desperately.

 

She nods and hands me the receiver. I go back to my room and dial Dean’s number. “Pick up, please pick up.”

 

“Hello you have reached the voicemail of ‘Dean Winchester’, please leave a message after the beep.”

 

  1. “Dean? Please pick up. I’m freaking out here and I’m sorry I told you to go but I need… I need to talk to you please. Please pick up. I don’t know what to do.” I cry into the phone and wait a minute until I hear the beep from the time running out. I hang up.



 

I wipe my tears away and go back to the front desk. I hand the phone back to the receptionist and go back to my room. I start pacing the floor, crying.

 

I go into the bathroom and look into the mirror. My eyes are blood shot and puffy and seeing that makes me cry even more.

 

I feel disgusting, dirty. _Raphael was right, being gay is gross._ I rock my body back and forth trying to calm myself down but it’s not working.

 

I look into the mirror again, my breath coming in uneven, shaking gasps. _I don’t know what to do._

 

I take the dog tag off my neck and look at it once more. “I’m… sorry Dean.” I roll up my sleeve on my right arm and position the tag on the underside of my wrist. I cut deep across it horizontally then down vertically making a cross. The cuts are deep and a lot of blood is oozing out. It’s like a river of blood. I put the dog tag on the sink and back up until my back hits the wall. I sink down to the floor, curling my knees, for what seems like the hundredth time, up to my chest and I rest my chin on my knees, crying.

 

Not long after there is knock on the locked bathroom door and a woman’s voice sounds. “Castiel there’s a phone call for you.”

 

I struggle to get up, unlock the door and open it a crack. I take the phone with my left hand, holding my right one behind my back, feeling the blood stream fast down my arm.

 

Once I get the phone I shut the door but forget to lock it. I go back to where I was sitting before and sit down in the same position I was in earlier. I put the phone up to my ear and say as calmly as possible, “Hello?”

 

“Cas, hey it’s Dean. What’s wrong, what did you need to talk to me about?” Dean’s voice rings from the other line.

 

Hearing his voice makes me cry again. “I can’t go on Dean.”

 

“What do you mean?” He sounds worried but compassionate.

 

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t…” I trail off.

 

“Okay, okay, just stay calm. Do you want me to come over so we can talk face to face?” Dean asks.

 

I look at the puddle of blood I’m sitting in. “No, I don’t want you to see the blood.” I don’t know why I say it. Maybe deep down I’m hoping Dean will help and save me.

 

“What blood Cas?” Dean sounds worried.

 

“You’ll get mad at me. I don’t… I don’t want you to be mad at me Dean.” I cry.

 

There’s a long pause. “I won’t get mad Cas, I promise I won’t get mad, I promise.”

 

I breathe in a shaky breath. “I can’t tell you.”

 

“Did you… did you cut yourself Cas.” I remain quiet. “How bad?” I can hear shuffling in the background then the Impala’s engine starting. I still remain silent. “How’d you do it?”

 

I shake my head. “I can’t tell you, you’ll definitely get mad at me if I tell you.” I’m feeling light headed.

 

“Okay it doesn’t matter right now but you’re going to have to tell me sometime Cas so I can take it away. I promise I won’t get mad.” He says into the phone.

 

“I don’t feel good.” I say quietly.

 

“Okay.” Dean pauses. “I’m almost there Cas, just hang on. Tell me how much blood have you lost?”

 

I look around me. “A lot, but Dean I don’t want to be saved.”

 

“I know Cas but _I_ want you to be saved because I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” Dean says.

 

“I feel like I’m flying Dean, can I fly?” I ask.

 

Dean doesn’t say anything at first. “Yeah Cas you’ll eventually be able to fly but not right now okay. Don’t you go flying away from me.”

 

“I’m sorry.” I apologize.

 

“It’s okay Cas, I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you.” Dean sounds like he is crying.

 

“Dean please don’t tell anybody. I don’t want to stay here any longer and I don’t want more medication.” I beg.

 

“Cas I need to tell someone so you’ll get better.” He says.

 

“Please Dean.” I continue begging. “You’ll only make things worse.”

 

Silence. “Okay Cas. I won’t tell anybody. It’ll just be between you and me.” There is silence for the rest of Dean’s drive here but I could tell he was still on the phone by his breathing. “Okay Cas, I’m here I’m going to hang up now and sneak in okay?”

 

I nod even though he can’t see it. “Okay.” Dial tone.

 

Soon the bathroom door is opening and Dean is standing in the doorway holding a bunch of towels. When he sees all the blood his jaw drops. “That’s a lot of blood.” He shuts the door behind him and comes up to me.

 

My eyes are half lidded.

 

“Hi.” Dean whispers, looking me in the face with a smile. There’s love shining in his own eyes.

 

He delicately picks up my right arm that is now drenched in blood and presses one of the towels to the cuts. He settles down beside me, sitting in by blood and getting the red staining liquid on his pants, it is his favorite pair too. He makes sure there is contact between our bodies.

 

I lay my head on his shoulder the tears coming back. “I’m sorry Dean. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Shhh.” Dean sooths. “It okay, I forgive you. I forgive you.” He looks around and his eyes land on the bloody dog tag. I can see the hurt on his face. “Cas you didn’t?”

 

I start crying even heavier again. “I’m sorry, please don’t get mad.”

 

Dean opens his mouth but nothing comes out.

 

I try to move away from him, feeling ashamed. I know Dean feels betrayed.

 

Dean doesn’t allow me to move away however. “It okay Cas. I understand.”

 

“You’re mad.” I say trying to shrink my body away from him.

 

“No, no, no, no, Cas hey.” Dean keeps me there. “It’s okay. I’m not. I swear on my Mom’s grave that I’m not mad, just a little disappointed, I swear.”

 

I know he is telling the truth because whenever he swears on Mary’s grave he is telling the truth.

 

“Okay?” He brings up his free hand, and the one that’s not drenched in my blood, to my cheek and rubs the tears away. “I’ll protect you. Better than what I did earlier today. I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, I promise Cas.”

 

We sit there in silence, Dean’s head on top of mine and my crying subsides. It’s a long time before Dean lifts the towel from my arm. “It looks like it’s stopped bleeding.” Dean eases off me and gets up. He throws that towel in the corner of the room and begins cleaning up the blood off the floor, sink, and my dog tag. After cleaning the dog tag he looks at it sadly and then puts it in his pocket. I’m sure I’m not getting it back.

 

“Come on.” Dean helps me up. “We should just take a shower to clean the blood off of us.”

 

He walks over to the shower and turns it on, holding his hand under it to make sure it’s not too cold or too hot.

 

He comes back to me. I don’t look him in the eyes and I feel dead inside. He lifts my shirt over my head then pulls my bloody pants down. He takes off my boxers and throws all my clothes where the blood stained towel is in the corner. He nudges me to get into the shower and I comply.

 

I stand under the warm water as Dean strips his own clothes. He gets into the shower and closes the curtain. He lathers his hands up with body soap and starts washing the front side of my body. Once he is done with that he says, “Here turn around so I can clean your back.”

 

I turn around, the water washing the suds off of my front. I feel Dean massage the soap into my back and he continues washing me going down to my ankles.

 

He begins coming back up, kissing my legs, my butt cheek, my back, and eventually my shoulder blades. “He whispers into my left shoulder, “It’ll be okay.” He kisses my shoulder.

 

I turn around and kiss his lips fiercely, pushing him back against the wall with a thud and a grunt coming from Dean. Dean opens his mouth for me and I slip my tongue into his mouth. It’s not passionate though, it’s more desperate. Desperate to just feel something.

 

Tears rim my eyes and I break apart from Dean’s lips and dip my head into the crook of his neck, hugging him close. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Dean. Please forgive me. Please don’t leave me.”

 

Dean’s arms wrap around me, one around my waist and the other stroking my hair. “You don’t have to continue saying sorry Cas. I forgive you and I’m not mad. I’m not going to leave you either okay? I promise.”

 

We cling to each other for a long time until Dean pushes slightly to get me to let go. “I need to clean myself now.”

 

I just stand there as he cleans his body. Once finished we exit the shower and wrap towels around our waists. Dean throws all the things covered in blood in a bag that he brought with him. He pulls out a pair of his boxers, puts them on after drying himself, and then leaves the room to return with a pair of my own boxers. He dries off my body and allows me to put on the boxers. He then gets a bandage and wraps it around my cut. He then leads me out of the bathroom and to my bed. Lucifer is in his bed snoring loudly.

 

He moves the comforter aside. “Go ahead and get in.”

 

I get in and watch as Dean tucks me in and then moves to the other side of my bed. He gets under the covers and presses his bare body against mine. He’s warm and I welcome the safety it gives me.

 

He drapes his arm over my stomach and rests his head in the crook of my neck, chin resting on my shoulder. He closes his eyes. “Good night Cas. I love you.”

 

I reach up and pat his head, feeling his wet hair in between my fingers. “I love you too Dean.” I don’t close my eyes until I hear Dean’s slow, steady breathing, announcing that he is deep in sleep.

 

As I close my eyes and ignore Raphael’s face staring at me, I pretend I can hear Dean’s heart beating that rhythmic beat I don’t ever want to hear stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this was an intense chapter. A lot of angst.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter I tried to incorporate more of how Dean is feeling but it’s kind of hard when all of it is in first person Castiel’s point of view. I hope I give you a general idea.

**Chapter 19:**

 

I wake up feeling like shit. Middle of the night, I jolt awake sweating, hard to breath, lightheaded, and fatigue but not seeming able to get back to sleep.

 

I whimper with discomfort, Dean’s skin against mine feeling like fire. “D-Dean.” I choke out.

 

He stirs, blinks, and then lifts his head up from my chest, rubbing his eyes. “Cas what is it?” He asks tiredly.

 

I give a heinous cough that sounds like I’m dying and it makes all my muscles ache before speaking. “I don’t feel good.”

 

I can feel Dean’s heart rate speed up in his chest as he sits up fully. “What do you mean you don’t feel good? What’s wrong?” He sounds panicked.

 

I’m shaking from the cold yet I’m sweating like a pig. “I just don’t feel that good.”

 

Dean jumps out of the bed, runs to the light, and turns it on hurting my eyes. I pull the covers over my head to block the harsh light out. “Dean.” I moan.

 

As soon as the light is turned on Lucifer from his spot jumps and sits up almost yelling but managing to keep his voice down, “What the hell?” He studies Dean.

 

Dean comes over to where I cower under the covers and removes all of them. “Dean.” I protest.

 

He lifts up my head, arms, legs, and he even goes as far as inspecting my mid section and turning me over to inspect my back. Once he realizes nothing is physically wrong with me he visually relaxes and all of a sudden looks tired. He comes up to me and more gently places the back of his hand on my sweat drenched forehead. “Jeez Cas, you’re burning up.”

 

I feel guilty. I’m sure I have the fever from all the blood loss yesterday and I’m sure Dean is thinking the same thing but he won’t say it out loud, he promised.

 

Dean sighs and honestly looks completely defeated and that makes me feel even guiltier. “I’ll go get a cold washcloth.”

 

“Dean not cold, I’m already cold.” I whine.

 

“Cas you need a cold washcloth to help bring the fever down, so deal with it.” He snaps at me but then looks like he shouldn’t have.

 

I just nod and pull the covers up to my chin, cocooning myself in it and shivering. I lay on my side staring at Lucifer who just stares at me looking concerned.

 

He shakes his head and smiles. “Jeez, you get more fevers than you change your socks.”

 

I glare at him. It’s not like I get fevers every day like I change my socks every day, Jeez.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean asks, coming out of the bathroom with a soaking wet washcloth.

 

“Um…” Lucifer doesn’t know what to say. He did promise never to tell Dean about that incident of when the last time I got a fever and my arm got even more infected. “About that…” Lucifer looks at me.

 

I completely give up. “Just tell him. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

 

Lucifer looks skeptical. “Well remember when Angel got that infection?”

 

 _He called me ‘Angel’._ I think happily.

 

“Well the infection kind of got worse and he ended up getting this really bad fever and it turns out that he almost got… blood poisoning.” Lucifer finishes.

 

Dean stares at me in disbelief and slight anger. He shakes his head and puts the cold washcloth on my forehead and I flinch away. Dean looks pissed.

 

Lucifer doesn’t know about all the cuttings but Dean knows and now he probably has some suspicions that I have been cutting myself since then.

 

I can tell Dean is trying to stay calm. “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

 

I hate being stared at by the two pairs of eyes, especially the green pair. “I didn’t want you to worry.”

 

Dean looks away from me shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

 

“Hey look Dean,” Lucifer tries to stick up for me. “It’s not his fault, there was a lot of things going on between you two and he just felt overwhelmed and didn’t want you to worry about him.”

 

Dean snaps. “And do you think I’m not overwhelmed? Apparently I didn’t worry about him enough.”

 

Dean is beating himself up. “Dean.” I try but he doesn’t allow me to continue.

 

“I need some air.” And he walks out, looking to make sure no nurses see him.

 

Lucifer sighs from his place on his bed. “See what I mean Angel.” He gets up and comes over to my bed. “Let me fix the blanket.”

 

He begins arranging my blanket on me, making sure to have Chuck’s blanket to me facing me so I can read the writing on it. It makes me smile as I read it for the hundredth time. Lucifer also rearranges the washcloth so it sits on my head better. He goes back to his own bed and lies down facing me. He doesn’t close his eyes though and continues to stare.

 

It’s not even five minutes before Dean returns. “It’s cold out.” He sounds like a kid.

 

“Well you are still in your boxers.” Lucifer points out.

 

“Cas you going to be okay for the rest of the night like that or do you want me to stay up?” Dean asks me.

 

“You have school tomorrow. You can sleep.” I tell him with a quiet voice that’s also muffled from the comforter.

 

“Cas, most likely I’m not going to school tomorrow.” Dean says.

 

“You have too, football.” I more whine then speak.

 

“I’ll stay up.” Lucifer offers. “And I’ll stay with him tomorrow so you can go to school.”

 

“Really?” Dean asks.

 

Lucifer nods. “Anything for my Angel.” Dean looks suspiciously at him and Lucifer rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry Dean. My feelings towards Angel is strictly brother love. He’s like the brother I always wanted but never had.”

 

Dean’s face lights up. “Thanks Lucifer.” He smiles.

 

Lucifer just nods at him then says, “I hope you two can sleep with the light on.”

 

I whine and Dean chuckles as he comes up behind me and crawls into the bed, pressing his chest to my back.

 

His chest is cold from being outside and it feels good.

 

…

 

Once again I wake up to Dean’s phone blasting in my ear but instead of it being the alarm, someone is calling him. I pretend to sleep while Dean sits up and answers. “Hello?”

 

The person answers and I can hear them ask, “Dean, where are you?”

 

“Sam? Uh hold on Cas is sleeping, let me go into the hall.” Dean slides out of the bed, careful not to ‘wake’ me. He then goes into the hall.

 

I sit up myself and get out of bed and hear Lucifer’s warning. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

 

I ignore him and go to the door anyway, keeping out of sight.

 

I hear Dean speaking to Sam. “I don’t know tell Dad something. Tell him the damn truth if you have to.” There’s a pause. “No don’t tell him about me and Cas idiot.” Dean sighs. “Yeah yeah sorry about calling you an idiot bitch.”

 

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look to see Lucifer holding the ‘Friends Forever’ blanket from Chuck. I take it and wrap it around my body while Lucifer joins me in eavesdropping.

 

“I meant tell dad that Cas got sick and I had to go and take care of him.” Another pause. “I know he won’t believe it but if you with the smart brains can’t think up a lousy little excuse then we might as well use the truth.”

 

Lucifer leans in a little more.

 

“I can’t tell you that Sammy, I promised Cas.” Dean says into the phone.

 

“What is he talking about?” Lucifer asks me.

 

My blood runs cold. “Nothing, please leave it be.”

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes but doesn’t pester me about it.

 

“No I’m not okay Sammy.” There’s a long pause. “Well what did you expect Sam when someone holds a knife up to my boyfriend and brother?”

 

“What the hell is he talking about Angel?” Lucifer growls in my ear quietly.

 

I ignore him as I listen to Dean’s next statement to Sam. “I’m freaking out here Sammy. I don’t want to lose him and because of that my nerves are set on overdrive.”

 

“Angel.” Lucifer pushes me away from the door. “Tell me what happened.” There’s concern radiating out of Lucifer’s eyes.

 

I hear Dean say, “I love him Sammy. I can’t lose him and everything is just getting to me.” I think he is on the verge of crying.

 

“I’ll tell you later Lucifer, I promise.” I tell Lucifer before turning back to the door.

 

“You better.” Lucifer whispers before he too begins eavesdropping again.

 

Dean rubs his face. “I don’t know what to do.” … “Talk to him? Sam, how do you know what to do, you don’t even know what I’m talking about.” I accidently start having a coughing fit. “Sam I have to go, Cas is coughing pretty bad.”

 

Lucifer and I quickly go back to my bed. I slip in under the covers and Lucifer pretends to be taking the washcloth off my forehead to run it under cold water again.

 

Dean walks in looking concerned. “Is he okay?”

 

“He’s fine, Jeez Dean. It was just coughing, kind of comes with the fever.” Lucifer tells him as he walks pass him and into the bathroom.

 

Dean lets out a long sigh.

 

“Where were you?” I ask him, wondering if he’ll tell me the truth.         

 

“Sam called.” _Good._ “He wanted to know where I am. I guess Dad is freaking out all pissed that I’m gone. Sam has great timing too.” He gestures to the clock.

 

I look at it and see it says 5:38, time for Dean to get ready for school.

 

“You sure you’re going to be okay without me?” Dean asks crawling up to me so we’re so close we almost touch.

 

I nod. _Is Lucifer allowing us time to talk?_ The thought crosses my mind by how long it is taking Lucifer in the bathroom.

 

“I’m sorry Dean. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the infection getting worse.” I say not looking him in the eyes.

 

Dean kisses my lips lightly. “I’m sorry that you were cutting yourself that far back.” He whispers so Lucifer can’t hear. “But why the dog tag? Don’t you know how that makes me feel?” He sounds so sad.

 

“I’m sorry.” I struggle to get out, half saying it half mouthing it.

 

“It makes me feel like shit Cas.” I wish Dean would stop with the explanation but he doesn’t. “It makes me feel like it’s my fault, I’m to blame.”

 

“But it’s not.” I try to convince him.

 

Dean smiles slightly in sadness. “But I’m the one who gave it you. I’m the one that gave you the opportunity to cut yourself.”

 

“It’s not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself.” I beg, wrapping my arms around him.

 

He pushes me away gently, rejecting my hug. “Just tell me why the dog tag.”

 

I don’t want to tell him but I can’t lie to him anymore. “It was convenient.”

 

Hurt once again flashes onto Dean’s face and he shakes his head, looking away from me.

 

“Dean.” I feel like I’ve just let him down even more.

 

“It was just convenient? My present? Do you know how much worse that makes me feel?” He bites his bottom lip, fighting back tears. I think everything has just gotten to him.

 

“Don’t cry.” I beseech and anger replaces the hurt on Dean’s face.

 

“So I’m the one that made it convenient for you Cas?” He says angrily.

 

“No.” I try to tell him that that’s not it, that I had nothing else, but I knew that wouldn’t help. My heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest.

 

“You know what just don’t.” He’s whispering angrily. “I can’t do this right now.” Dean climbs off my bed. He goes into the bathroom shoving Lucifer out and shutting the door. I hear the click of the lock.

 

“What’s got his panties in a bunch?” Lucifer asks has he comes over and places the wash cloth on my forehead while I cough. “Angel?”

 

I just turn over causing the washcloth to fall off and pull the covers over my head. Silent tears stream out of eyes. I want to escape into nothingness but there’s nothing here to grant me my wish.

 

I hear the door unclick and Dean walks out. “I better get going or else I may be late.” He turns away.

 

“Do I get a goodbye kiss?” I try my luck, wiping my eyes before sitting up.

 

Dean stops but doesn’t turn around. He stands there for a while then turns his upper half to look at me. There’s still anger in his eyes. “I can’t right now Cas. I’m sorry.” And he walks out.

 

 _You said you weren’t mad._ I think as my throat feels like it closes up and my heart tightens.

 

“What the hell has gotten into him?” Lucifer says but I hardly hear him.

 

“Why do you two hate me?” Tears begin rolling down my cheeks again. “”What did I do to make you two hate me?”

 

Lucifer just stares in bewilderment. “I don’t hate you Angel it’s just that-“ I don’t let him finish not wanting to hear it, to hear the reason.

 

Instead I get out of bed and run away, Chuck’s blanket still wrapped around me and Lucifer calling my name. I don’t know where I’m running to at first but somehow I manage to find myself outside in the garden. I sit under a tree that was there and rock my body back and forth, crying heavily. _Everyone hates me. Why does everyone hate me? What did I do wrong?_ “Just tell me what I did wrong.” I yell up to the sky but of course not getting an answer.

 

I cry into my knees when I hear crunching on the ground. “Angel?”

 

“Get away from me!” I yell at Lucifer.

 

“Just tell me what’s wrong.” Lucifer pushes.

 

I yell at him again. “I said go away.” Then I say less harsh and quieter, “Please just go away.”

 

Lucifer turns around and walks away.

 

I continue to rock my body trying so desperately to stop crying, not wanting one of the nurses to see me like this. I try to wipe the tears away but more just replace the ones that I rid.

 

I bury my face in my knees again but not too long after that I hear crunching again. I look up expecting Lucifer but instead see Chuck walking over to me, shivering himself. I look pass him to see Lucifer watching intently.

 

“It’s c-cold out he-here isn’t Castiel?” Chuck says only standing a few feet away.

 

I stop my crying for a brief second. “Do you hate me too?”

 

Sympathy washes over Chuck’s face as he shakes his head. He walks over to me, kneels down, grabs the blanket from my left hand and pulls it over himself, pressing our bodies together. With his left hand he holds the blanket and with the other he wraps around me and pulls me into his side, letting my head rest on his shoulder as my sobs begin once more. “Of course not Castiel. I could never hate you.” He briefly looks to Lucifer, nods, and watches as he disappears. “Shh.” He pats my head, listening to my whimpers. “It’s okay Castiel. I’m here.”

 

…

 

I don’t remember when I fall asleep in Chuck’s arms but I end up waking up in my bed. I feel worse than I did earlier. Lucifer is sitting beside me humming some unknown song and reading the Bible.

 

“I’ve never heard you hum before.” I say through drowsiness.

 

Lucifer looks down at me in surprise. “You’re awake. I should have known you’d wake up before Chuck.” He gestures to the sleeping man beside me.

 

I snuggle closer to the warmth coming from Chuck’s body. “He’s warm.”

 

Lucifer smiles but it soon disappears. “Listen Angel. I don’t hate you. I could never in a million years hate you. You’re like a brother to me. I’m just scared.”

 

I look confused. “Of what?” I croak out.

 

“Losing you to Dean. When I lost Michael because he disowned me it hurt so bad and I… I don’t want to go through that again. It hurts too much.” Lucifer answers, turning a slight pink.

 

“But that’s exactly what you were doing by pushing me away.” I try to explain.

 

“I know.” He doesn’t look me in the eyes. “I know and I was wrong and stupid. That’s why I’ve come to my senses and decided to just deal with it. If I lose you I lose you, if I don’t great.” He finally looks at me.

 

I sit up and hug him. “You’re not going to lose me to Dean.”

 

Lucifer hugs me back and for the first time since Lucifer and I became friends, we embrace each other in a loving, strictly brotherly, hug. It helps mend my broken heart, even just a little.

 

We separate and Lucifer smiles at me before turning all serious. “Listen Angel I’m sure Dean doesn’t hate you, whatever you did and don’t want to tell me about. The guy loves you to pieces. I bet he won’t be acting like this and even better, I bet he’ll return this afternoon hugging and kissing you until he has to leave.”

 

I smile but Dean never shows and that night I go to bed, alone and with a broken heart.

 

…

 

The next day I feel much better. My fever has gone down and I feel like a new person… except for my broken heart and depression.

 

Throughout the whole day I wish Dean would just show up and my wishing pays off when I enter my room after a long, very quiet session with Balthazar. “Dean?” I just stand in the doorway, afraid that if I move he will leave.

 

He doesn’t look at me and just stares at the floor. “Can you come here please Cas?”

 

I look around the room before complying. Lucifer isn’t here. I walk over to Dean who is sitting on the edge of my bed. I sit down next to him extremely nervous. I wait for him to begin talking.

 

We just sit there in awkward silence before he finally begins to speak. “I got kicked off the football team.”

 

I look at him in shock. “What? Why?”

 

“Coach said he didn’t want bad influencing on the team, that I might ‘rub off’ on them.” He says sadly, still studying the floor.

 

“So you got kicked off because you’re gay?” I ask in complete shock and disbelief.

 

“Bi.” Dean corrects and I furrow my brows, a little hurt that he had the need to correct me. “According to the school.” He adds after seeing me hurt.

 

I search for words in my brain but hardly anything is coming. I settle on something however. “You can’t let him get away with that.”

 

“What do you expect me to do Cas?” He snaps at me, finally looking up. “He didn’t just come and say ‘oh Dean I’m kicking you off the team because you’re gay, so get out of here.’ There’s nothing I can do.” He goes back to looking at the floor.

 

“So it’s my fault?” I ask. If I hadn’t gotten Dean to fall in love with me, he would still be on the team.

 

“No of course not.” Dean says.

 

“Yes it is.” I explain. “If I hadn’t told you I love you, if I hadn’t kissed you then forced you to kiss me then you wouldn’t have fallen in love with me and you would still be on the team.”

 

“Yes I would have.” Dean corrects and I become confused. “It may have taken longer but I think no matter what, I would have always fallen in love with you. Hell I probably was in love with you before you even told me you were in love with me, I just didn’t know it or I was running away from it because I was too much of a coward to face up to it.”

 

I want to touch him but I’m afraid of his reaction by the way he’s looking right now. I try anyway. I reach out to touch his shoulder saying, “You’re not a coward Dean.” but stop mid way and pull my hand back when he flinches away from it.

 

“Please don’t touch me.” He sounds broken. “If you touch me it’ll make what I’m about to do even harder.”

 

Immediate worry. “You’re not breaking up with me are you?” I’m scared of the answer.

 

I sit in worrying anticipation while Dean looks to the floor, thinking before he answers. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out right away. Dean finally seems to find his voice. “No Cas, I’m not breaking up with you.” I relax, relieved that Dean is not going to leave me. “But…” All of a sudden I hate that word and my heart begins beating faster with worry. “I need a break.”

 

“What?” I ask, thoroughly confused.

 

Once again Dean opens his mouth but again sound doesn’t come out.

 

“Dean what are you talking about?” I search his face for any, _any_ kind of hint to clear things up.

 

“I don’t know how to help you anymore Cas and I can’t… I can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. I can’t deal with it and I just need a break. From the drama, from trying so hard to make you happy. I’m trying so hard to help you and make you happy Cas, that I’m not even happy anymore. I have no time for myself, to take care of and make myself happy.” Dean finally manages to say and I just stare at him in astonishment.

 

“You’re joking.” I say in disbelief, not believing my ears.

 

Dean shakes his head. “No Cas, I’m not.”

 

I get angry. “I never said you had to spend twenty four seven with me Dean.”

 

“Yeah well it felt like I had to.” He gets up and turns to me looking angry. “It felt like I had to spend every waking moment with you just to make sure that you were okay and that you were happy.”

 

“So what you’re blaming me?” I yell at him.

 

“Of course not Cas, come on.” Dean yells too.

 

“Then who the hell are you blaming and why the fuck are you taking it on me?” I try to control myself but the anger, towards Dean, Lucifer, me, everyone, is boiling under my skin about to explode.

 

“I’m not blaming anyone.” Dean says, him too trying to keep his voice down.

 

“How long?” I ask through gritted teeth, standing up.

 

Dean seems to relax a little, letting his guard down. “I don’t know a couple weeks?”

 

I explode, the anger in me boiling over the edge and spilling out into darkness.

 

My fist hits Dean’s nose and he stumbles backwards. “Cas what the hell?” Dean asks before I punch him again.

 

“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!” I say through tear struck eyes. “I’ve put up with so much of your bull shit. I’m sick of it Dean!”

 

I go to punch him again but a hand grabs my arm and waist and pulls me away from Dean. “Woe woe woe, Angel, calm down. Your beating up your boyfriend here.”

 

I’m still pissed, seeing red. “You want to go then leave. Go Dean!”

 

Dean gets up off the ground, holding his nose. He stares at me, looks away for literally a second, then looks at me for another second before hurriedly leaving, tears in his eyes and a whimper that sounds like he is about to lose it and cry.

 

“What the HELL?” Lucifer asks astounded.

 

“Don’t ask.” I shrug Lucifer off and walk out, still pissed but it is slowly fading away to numbness.

 

I wander the halls, going nowhere in particular. I don’t know how long I walk for but by the time I look at the clock it’s already supper time.

 

Today’s special is macaroni and cheese with a side order of antidepressant and for dessert anti-anxiety pills. _Yum._ The drink is just plain white milk.

 

After I finish eating I head back to the room, rejecting Lucifer and Chuck’s offer to hang out, telling them another time.

 

Just before I enter the shared room a nurse calls to me. “Phone.” She hands me the receiver with a warm smile.

 

I smile as warmly back to her as I can as I take the phone from her. “Thank you.” I walk into the room, not bothering with turning the light on deciding the hall light was enough, and sit on my bed. “Hello?”

 

“Cas?” Dean’s voice comes from the other line.

 

“Dean?” I ask, confused on why he would be calling.

 

“Yeah.” There’s a long pause before he continues. “Did you want to break up?”

 

I freeze, a pain forming in my chest. “Did you?” Again there is a long pause. “Dean?” I ask afraid he might have hung up.

 

“Yeah I’m here.” He replies.

 

“Did you hear me?” I ask.

 

“Yeah.” Another long pause. “I don’t want to break up with you Cas but if you do then we can.” I can almost see him smiling weakly with sadness. “Anything for you.”

 

This time it’s my turn to stay quiet. I don’t really know what to say. Of course I don’t want to break up with him but…

 

“Cas you there? Did you hang up?” Dean’s sad, worried voice comes from the other line.

 

I snap back to reality. “Yeah I’m here and no Dean I don’t want to break up with you.”

 

Dean lets out a relieved breath. “That’s good, the way you acted earlier had me afraid you wanted to end our relationship.”

 

“How’s your nose by the way and sorry about that?” I ask and state.

 

“It was hard to explain to Dad but it’s fine. Wasn’t broken or anything.” He says.

 

“That’s good.” I say happily then add more seriously, “Dean, do you still want to take a break?”

 

The longest pause there is comes from Dean’s end of the phone. “Yeah Cas, I do.”

 

My heart sinks. I don’t say anything, can’t trust myself to, so instead I just hang up the phone, pressing end, without even saying goodbye.

 

The next day Dean calls again.

 

“Here you go honey.” The nurse hands me the receiver.

 

I sigh. “Hello?”

 

Dean clears his throat. “Hey Cas.”

 

“Dean you really need to stop calling if you want a break.” I sit crossed legged on my bed.

 

“I don’t want to leave off on bad terms.” He says into the phone.

 

That gives me an idea to screw Dean over. “I thought you said you weren’t mad? Are you mad because of the dog tag thing?” I ask, voice calm.

 

“It’s not about the damn dog tag Cas, it’s about you wanting to die.” Dean yells into the phone.

 

I roll my eyes and a small smirk showing up on my face. I’m loving what I’m doing. “You promised me Dean. You swore on Mary’s grave.” I try to sound angry.

 

I can tell I’m winding Dean up. “What did you expect me to say when you’re sitting in a puddle of your own blood saying you want to die?”

 

That question catches me off guard but I quickly regain my composure. “Oh I don’t know Dean, tell me the truth.” Then something hits me. “Wait, are you not pretending to be mad at me now because I have nothing to even cut myself on?” This time my anger is real.

 

“No that’s…” Dean tries to explain but he falls short.

 

I shake my head in anger. “You son of a bitch. Goodbye Dean.”

 

“No wait Cas, don’t hang-” I cut him off with a click.

 

I sit there in anger for the longest time, just clutching onto the phone. I know I have to calm myself so in order to do that I think of my plan. _Dean wants to continue to call me not to leave on bad terms, then I’ll make sure we leave off on bad terms every single time until he’s had enough and comes here himself._ I chuckle to myself, nefarious grin plastered to my face. _Dean, Dean, Dean, I’m going to have so much fun with you. You want to play this game? I’ll play this game. Payback is officially on, baby._

 

…

 

“What are you being all smirky about? Aren’t you supposed to be depressed?” Lucifer asks as he walks in later that day and seeing me still happy about my plan.

 

“Just giving Dean a piece of his own medicine.” I say happily.

 

“Really?” Lucifer asks surprised. “Sure that’s a good idea?”

 

I scrunch my eyebrows up in confusion. “What do you mean?”

 

Lucifer’s eyebrows rise. “The old saying ‘treat others the way you want to be treated.’”

 

“I am treating him the way he wants to be treated by the way he is acting.” I tell him.

 

“But it’s also the way you want to be treated?” Lucifer continues seriously.

 

I shake my head. “I don’t really care.”

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes. “Sure you don’t. Come on lets go.”

 

“Where are we going?” I ask as I get up and start fallowing the slightly taller man.

 

He smiles. “Church.”

 

“Church?” I ask surprised. “Wait Lucifer.” I grab his arm. “I’m not going to church.”

 

Lucifer looks disappointed, a look I’ve never seen on his face. “Why not?”

 

“I just…” I pause. “can’t.”

 

“Not even for me?” He looks pleadingly.

 

“Don’t do that.” I say, a stab forming in my heart.

 

“Do what?” He looks confused.

 

“Black mail me.” I try to say without sounding guilty.

 

Lucifer snorts and rolls his eyes. “I’m not black mailing you. How the hell am I doing that?”

 

I look away. “By saying for you.”

 

Lucifer’s jaw tightens and he looks angry. “Because you’re my best friend and I _thought_ you would want to go with me.” He calms. “I thought you could help me. With your name being an angel name, maybe they won’t kick me out.”

 

 _So he’s going to use me._ “Fine, let’s go.” I give up trying not to go.

 

Lucifer smiles happily and continues walking. I follow behind.

 

We enter the room they do church in and make our way to some seats. It’s not much. Folding chairs with Bibles on some of them. Few people, including the Priest, are in the room.

 

I turn to Lucifer. “Why are they having church not on a Sunday?”

 

“Special event.” Lucifer says, staring at the Priest.

 

The Priest eventually comes over to us before we can even find seats and sit down. “Lucifer what are you doing here?”

 

The guy has to be at least 6’4” by how he towers over me and Lucifer.

 

Lucifer smirks. “I’ve come to join the special event with my friend Castiel.” He tilts his head towards me.

 

The Priest looks to me. “Angel of Thursday.” I nod and he continues. “Well Lucifer, you’ve showed him where this place is, you may go now.”

 

I finally speak up. “Wait, why does he have to go? Because of his name?”

 

The priest nods. “We don’t need someone with the Devil’s name in a place of God.”

 

“But he’s a good man and it’s not his fault his parents named him that. He

didn’t have a choice.” I’m getting angry at this man’s small mind.

 

“Then his parents condemned him to Hell.” The Priest says, a little bitter.

 

“So what you going to kick me out too and say I’m condemned to Hell because I’m gay but yet I have an angel name? Isn’t that a little contradicting?” I say displeased.

 

The priest’s lips tighten into a line. “Your homosexuality outweighs your name. You are certain to end up in Hell.”

 

There’s a stab in my heart and I falter. “You really believe that Father?”

 

“You should not be in the eyes of God and you do not deserve that name.” He tells me, trying to stay as calm as possible.

 

“Now hold on minute.” Lucifer tries to come to my defense. “I know no one who deserves the name Castiel more than him.”

 

The priest looks sternly at the both of us but before he can say anything I say something. “I believe God is willing to forgive me for my sins that I feel repent for. I believe He’ll forgive me for my liking of the same sex and Lucifer for the burden his parents put on him.”

 

“Do you repent your sexuality?” The question takes me off guard.

 

I shake my head. “No but Lucifer repents his name.”

 

“It doesn’t change the fact that he is still with that name.” The Priest says.

 

“He can always change it, Father.” I put in.

 

The Priest looks from me to Lucifer to me with a rigid frown. “I think you two should leave now before the wrath of God makes you leave.”

 

I clench my fists together in a tight ball. “I hope God is forgiving to you for kicking us out.” And with that Lucifer and I turn around and leave. “I’m sorry Lucifer. Looks like I wasn’t much help after all.” I apologize, feeling guilty.

 

I look to Lucifer and have to stop myself from gasping at how crushed he looks. “It’s okay Angel, wasn’t your fault.” He then walks away leaving me to go back to our room alone.

 

That night Dean calls once again but this time I have no energy to do my plan. “Hello Dean.”

 

“Hey Cas.” Comes from the other line.

 

Just hearing his voice brings up my hopes just slightly and I find a tiny bit of energy to follow my plan. “How are you?”

 

There’s a pause. “Good.”

 

“Can I ask you something?” I ask.

 

“Um…” Dean breathes in. “Sure.”

 

I don’t hesitate with asking. “Can you continue to call? Even if we end our conversation fine?”

 

The gears are turning in Dean’s head and I’m oiling them up. “You… uh… know I… can’t.” He struggles to get out.

 

“Please Dean?” I’ll try the old beg tactic.

 

“Cas look I’m sorry but-“ I cut him off again.

 

“Dean please.” I beg.

 

“Cas…” I can hear Dean’s wall breaking.

 

“Please.” I beg again. “If I can’t see your handsome face then I want to at least hear your beautiful voice.” I smirk at adding ‘handsome’ and ‘beautiful’.

 

“Cas I’m sorry, I can’t.” He says and my heart drops slightly but I don’t give up.

 

I put on my best sad voice. “Don’t you miss me?”

 

“Of course I do but…” He stops.

 

“What?” I continue the voice.

 

“It’s refreshing, not being with you all the time. Not having to worry about you every time I’m with you. It’s like a refresher.” He says, choosing his words carefully.

 

I don’t have anything to say to that. “What?”

 

I can hear the sorrow in his voice and I wonder if he lied about this whole break thing being ‘refreshing’. “I’m sorry Cas but I really need this right now.”

 

“Don’t lie to me.” I say already feeling the stab in my chest.

 

“I’m not lying Cas.” He sounds doleful.

 

“Then what are we doing together?” I ask half in truth but half because of my plan.

 

“What do you mean?” He asks confused.

 

I take a deep breath, feeling extremely hurt. “If it feels that good without me Dean, then what are we even doing together? What are we doing?”

 

Dean sounds genuinely baffled. “I don’t get what you’re trying to say Cas.”

 

I take a deep breath. The next thing I say is mostly because of my plan but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the actual pain of what I say. “I’m saying that… I think we should… break up Dean. For good this time.”

 

There’s a sharp intake of breath on Dean’s side of the line. “What? … No.” He sounds completely heartbroken.

 

 _He was lying about it being refreshing._ I think with a flutter of joy. “Yes Dean. If it that’s refreshing to be without me, then… you can continue to be without me for the rest of your life.” I let it sink in and he doesn’t say anything. “I love you Dean and I’m sorry.” I say before I hang up.

 

The sorry was really because of how I’m hurting him but this I’m certain will get Dean to come back to me. _Hopefully._ I think as an afterthought.

 

I lay in my bed, hoping, praying, that Dean will show up tomorrow and claim me.

 

…

 

It’s in the middle of the afternoon, Lucifer is playing Bingo, Chuck is in his room writing, and I’m… well I’m making my bed, when Dean walks in.

 

“Cas?” I hear his voice from the door and I turn around from my spot in front of my nightstand.

 

“Dean.” I say absolutely surprised. “What are you doing here?” I play dumb once I figure out what I think is going on.

 

Dean walks closer to me until there is only about two feet between us. “I don’t want to break up Cas.” He blurts out all together and fast paced.

 

I just stare agape, staring into Dean’s eyes that are _pleading_. I puff and smile while shaking my head.

 

Dean’s eyebrows scrunch in confusion. “What?”

 

I continue my smile. “Pay back is a bitch, isn’t Dean?”

 

He still looks confused and asks again, “What?”

 

“You kept in touch with me the whole time you said you wanted a break and now you’re here Dean.” I tell him with a chuckle and a large smile.

 

Dean’s face turns to anger. “You set me up?”

 

I throw my hands and arms out to the side in a gesture that says ‘got that right bitch’.

 

Anger flares on dean’s face. “You ass hole.”

 

I defend myself. “Hey you want to play that game Dean, then I’ll play right back.”

 

“You dick.” Dean’s eyes narrow, scrunching up in the corners.

 

I smirk at him evilly. “Not my fault you kept calling and your decision to come here.”

 

Dean mischievously smirks back. “Fine, we’ll see who wins.”

 

“Fine.” I narrow my eyes at him.

 

“You son of a bitch.” He bites his lower lip and just stares at me.

 

The corner of my lip curves up. “What Dean?”

 

“Son of a freaking bitch.” Dean all of a sudden says, closing the gap between us, cupping my face in his hands, and kissing me hard, heated, hungrily.

 

Dean pushes me against the nightstand knocking everything off; including almost knocking Lucifer’s angel statue he gave me for Christmas. Luckily I caught it just in time and put it on Lucifer’s nightstand just before Dean grabs my thighs and lifts me up, sitting me on top of the now cleared bed stand. We don’t notice that our snowman picture has fallen off and the picture frame had shattered.

 

He kisses me hard, tongue in my mouth, grinding his hips into me. I break from his kiss, gasping for air and saying as Dean attacks my neck. “Dean, door.”

 

Dean comes back to ravishing my lips and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me over to the door. He shuts the door with ease and pins me against it, back flush against the cold door. A shiver from the cold and anticipation runs through my entire body. I hear Dean lock the latch.

 

“I’ve missed you so much Cas.” Dean says breathlessly. “I want you so bad.”

 

“Me too Dean.” Is all Dean allows me to say before he kisses my lips again. He walks to my bed and half sets half drops me on top of it, me going directly to lying on my back.

 

Now a twin bed isn’t exactly that big for sex but somehow Dean manages to get onto the bed, knees on both sides of my hips. He takes off his shirt in one smooth movement and I do the same, except less smoothly.

 

Dean begins kissing my chest going lower and lower, briefly stopping at my nipple to suck and gently bite it. “Dean.” I moan with pleasure.

 

He continues down until he reaches the elastic of my pants. He kisses my already hard and erect dick through the fabric. “You like that?” He asks looking up at me.

 

I moan and nod my head.

 

He then agonizingly slow takes my pants off and boxers. He starts licking up the shaft of my erection slowly, savoring the… taste… I guess. I don’t really care what he is doing because I certainly am loving it.

 

He then takes me fully in his mouth, gagging a little but continuing to bob, lick, and _suck_.

 

He continues to do this until I’ve almost reached the edge and is about to explode when his mouth leaves my throbbing dick.

 

“Dean, please more.” I beg wiggling under him.

 

“Patient, Cas.” Dean says full of lust. He leans forward and kisses my lips, tongue entering my mouth. He pulls away and begins unzipping his pants.

 

I lie there, watching with pure, intense, desire. “D-Dean I don’t have any of that-that um… slick stuff you used last t-time.” I tell him once his black jeans and boxers are off him.

 

He chuckles and leans forward again. He kisses my lips softly. “Lubricant Cas. You can call it lube.” I nod, wide eyed in embarrassment and Dean chuckles again. “So cute.” He kisses me once more.

 

“But Dean what are we going to use then?” I ask. I probably wouldn’t have mind not using anything, after all that would give me the most pain most likely, but I want it comfortable for Dean too which means me in as less pain as possible.

 

Dean shoves two fingers in front of my lips. “Lick.”

 

“That’s it?” I ask alarmed.

 

“Yep.” Dean urges me on by rubbing my lips with the two fingers. “Lick Cas.”

 

I open my mouth and allow the fingers to enter my mouth. I shut my mouth around them and begin licking and sucking them.

 

Dean moans. I cannot believe he moans from me sucking on his fingers so I suck harder causing Dean to moan even louder. “Jeez Dean you are so hot when you make those kind of noises.”

 

Dean smirks and breaches my hole with one finger. He begins kissing me once again.

 

I moan into the kiss as he begins going faster. He adds a second finger, keeping up the pace.

 

I break our kiss, gulping for breath. “Dean, please.”

 

Dean pulls his fingers out. “Okay Cas, Jeez you have no patients at all.”

 

“Dean come on.” I whither under him.

 

“Okay okay, hold on.” Dean says with a chuckle. He spits onto both his hand and starts rubbing his own erection, groaning from the feeling.

 

“Do you ever get off by thinking about me?” I ask.

 

“What?” Dean is breathing heavily. “Not the right place or time to ask that Cas.”

 

“Sorry.” I say quickly, turning red with embarrassment.

 

After Dean is done rubbing himself, lucky bastard, he leans down and pecks my lips. “Ready?”

 

I nod and feel the tip of Dean’s member against my entrance. He pushes in slowly. “Jeez Cas you’re tighter than your first time, what the hell?”

 

“S-sorry.” I stutter out. Dean starts bursting with laughter, stopping all movement. “What’s so funny?”

 

“You don’t need to be sorry Cas. It feels good.” He says, still laughing but continuing to push in. Once fully sheathed he waits while my body gets used to the intrusion.

 

“Dean move.” I order not that long after.

 

He begins moving in and out at and awfully slow pace and I can’t deal with it anymore. “Dean go faster, please. I need you. I love you.”

 

With that Dean speeds up his thrusts, both of us moaning softly, trying not to be too loud and alarm the nurses. We both barley notice the click of the lock on the door and the creaking sound the door makes as it slowly open.

 

We both hear a nurse speaking but we are both so into what we are doing that we don’t stop.

 

“There you go Lucifer. Castiel you really can’t have this door locked-“ The nurse stops walking in, Lucifer right behind her. “Oh my…” She doesn’t finish what she is saying before she runs out of the room, face a dark red.

 

Lucifer’s face isn’t any better. He just stands there, jaw dropped, in petrifying surprise. He then slowly turns and walks out the door slowly, closing the door behind him.

 

Dean and I are still at it.

 

“Dean I’m so close.” I say trying to catch my breath.

 

Dean kisses my lips sloppily. “Let’s cum together Cas.”

 

He goes in and out, now hitting my sweet spot over and over again and I’m in complete bliss.

 

I’m finally pushed over the edge, moaning loudly, saying Dean’s name over and over again on my kiss swollen lips, white heat flashes in my eyes, and I feel like I’m in heaven as I cum onto Dean’s and mine chest.

 

I hear Dean’s breath hitch in his throat and he lets out a moan as he cums inside me. He slumps on top of me, both our breaths coming in gasps for air.

 

As our breathing calms slightly Dean pulls out of me, going to my side and laying on his side, arm around my waist. I stare at the ceiling as Dean kisses my ear and whispers, “I love you Cas.”

 

I turn to face him and just stare into his eyes. Dean starts laughing. “What?” I ask, confused.

 

“We just totally scared the shit out of Lucifer and some poor nurse.” He says through breaths.

 

I begin laughing too, unable to stop, not laughing like this in years.

 

Dean gradually stops laughing and stares at my smiling face. “I haven’t heard or seen you laugh like that in a long time.”

 

I turn to him. “Well I have something laugh about now.” I put my arm around his shoulders as he rests his head on my shoulder.

 

He looks up and stares at me again. “You know my favorite part of your body is your eyes. It’s like I’m in a vast ocean whenever I look into them.”

 

“Really?” I feel my heart warm.

 

Dean nods and kisses my jaw line. “Yep.”

 

“Want to know what I see when I look at your eyes?” I ask him.

 

Dean snuggles closer to me as a response and I chuckle. “I see and thick forest, but not a forest of any kind of trees, it has to be pine trees.”

 

“Why pine trees?” Dean sits up and looks me in the eyes.

 

“I don’t know, that’s just what I see.” I smile but it slightly falters. “And because of your foresty eyes I’ve decided that I want to die in a forest beside you.”

 

Dean’s smile immediately disappears. “What?”

 

“I want to die before you, that way I wouldn’t have to watch you die. I know selfish but it’s just how I feel and how I want to die is just that. I want to be camping out with you and only you. We would be alone in this beautiful, condensed forest of multiple pine trees and I would be old. Well we both would be old, and you would be beside me sitting and I would be lying in your arms. I would be able to not only see the actual green forest but also the green forest of your eyes. I want to die like that, looking into a real forest and into your eyes.” I pause and Dean is silent. “Dean can you promise me that when I get old and on my death bed, you’ll bring me to some kind of forest and let me die in your arms?”

 

“No.” He flat out says. “You know why? Because you’re not going to die before me, I’m going to die before you, understand?”

 

“Then we’ll both have to die at the same time in a forest, still being able to look into each other’s eyes. Is that better?” I say.

 

Dean nods. “Much.”

 

“So it’s a deal, when we both are ready to die we’ll go out to some forest and die together, just the two of us? Deal Dean?” I ask.

 

He smiles at me then kisses my lips. “Deal.”

 

I kiss him for a long time this time, breaking to look back into his eyes. “Your eyes are my favorite body part on you too.”

 

Dean smiles happily then settles back down, resting his head once again on my chest. “We should probably go tell Lucifer it’s safe to come back.”

 

“Can we just stay like this a little bit longer, please Dean?” I ask.

 

He must have heard the desperation in my voice because he asks, “What’s wrong Cas?” Sitting up.

 

I smile. “Nothing, just I’m really happy like this. I don’t want to ruin it just yet.”

 

Dean nods, pecks my forehead, and then lies back down. “Okay Cas, we can stay like this for a while longer.

 

“I love you Dean.” I feel the need to say it all of a sudden.

 

I feel Dean smile against my chest. “I love you too Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interesting fact: This fanfiction did not start off as Castiel being depressed and suicidal with an abusive mother. I actually had something totally different in mind but changed my mind when I was typing chapter 2. (Gabriel was going to be alive too) *I’m sorry Gabriel* :(


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20:**

 

We lie in bed for what seems like an eternity, now covered up by the blankets. Dean’s head is resting on my chest with his hand an inch or two below his chin and my arm is around his shoulder, hand caressing his bicep. Dean is talking aimlessly and I’m just lying there listening to his voice and smiling, when we both hear a knock on the door.

 

“Come in.” I say, both me and Dean turning our heads to look at the door.

 

“Is it safe?” Lucifer’s voice comes from the other side of the closed object, causing me to burst out laughing.

 

Dean chuckles. “Yeah Lucifer, its safe.”

 

Lucifer opens the door cautiously, me still laughing my ass off and Dean grinning hugely, and walks in slowly. He looks from me to Dean. “Earlier was something I did _not_ need to see.” He then smiles. “But I’m so proud of our little angel. Our Cherub has finally grown a pair of wings with feathers and took flight.”

 

I roll my eyes with a smile. “The angel Castiel is not a Cherub.”

 

“He is too me.” Lucifer says with a grin and walks over to his nightstand, eyeing the floor. He moves my angel statue back to my own nightstand, opens the drawer of his and takes out a book. He points to the floor with the book and I catch a glimpse of the title and author. It reads Story Time by _Edward Bloor_. “Did you know your picture fell on the floor and now the glass is everywhere?”

 

“What?” I shoot upright, crestfallen. I stare down at the broken glass.

 

Dean sits up too and stares at the glass scattered on the floor. He looks towards me. “It’s okay Cas. No harm done, it’s easily fixed.”

 

“I’ll leave you two to pick it all up then.” Lucifer says eyeing our naked forms under the covers, then walking out of the room shutting the door behind him.

 

Dean kisses my cheek. “Come on let’s take a shower together.”

 

 _He probably doesn’t trust me with the glass._ I think as I get up, avoiding the glass.

 

After the shower we get dress, Dean putting on the clothes he had on earlier today. Dean is bent over the glass covered floor picking up the tiny pieces of see through sodium silicate, calcium silicate and Silicon dioxide mixed together, and throwing them in the small trash bucket, while I sit on the bed, knees drawn up to my chest and my chin resting comfortably on top. Dean told me I’m not allowed to touch the glass when I offered to help.

 

“Dean you don’t think this is some kind of omen that our relationship is…” I can’t finish what I’m about to say, it hurts too much.

 

Dean looks up from his place on the floor, halting his movements. He shakes his head while puckering his lips. “Nope, I don’t believe in omens, Cas. I think they’re a bunch a bull. So no I don’t think this is some kind of sign that our relationship is doomed to end.” I’m still unsure and Dean can tell. “Look Cas, once I get this all cleaned up I’ll just run down to the store quickly and pick up a new frame, okay? It’s still pretty early so the store should still be open by the time I get down there.” He returns to picking up the little pieces.

 

I frown at the pieces lying on top of the picture. “I hope you’re right Dean.”

 

“I know I’m right.” Dean says without looking up.

 

We hear another knock and I assume that it is Lucifer. “Come in, it’s safe. We’re not naked anymore.”

 

Dean chuckles as the door clicks open.

 

“Why would you and my son be naked in the same room together?” A familiar deep voice rings from the entrance and I stiffen. _Oh no._

 

“Dad!” Dean exclaims, standing up immediately and cutting himself on some glass. “Son of bitch.”

 

“Hey watch your mouth.” Dean’s father says sternly to Dean as Dean shakes his hand, cupping his finger as blood comes out.

 

I stare at the blood in a trance as Dean examines the cut. He looks up at me and notices how I’m staring. “Cas.”

 

“Huh?” I ask, snapping back to reality.

 

“You okay?” I nod. Dean gives me a weird look and begins sucking on the cut to stop the bleeding. I wish I could suck it just to suck his finger.

 

“Sam go get the first aid kit out of the car.” John turns to Sam.

 

“Dad I don’t need a band-aid. I’m not a kid” Dean says to his dad.

 

“No you’re right. You need Neosporin and a band-aid.” John says in a smart ass tone.

 

Dean rolls his eyes as Sam leaves to retrieve said first aid kit.

 

“So Castiel, what were you talking about earlier about being naked?” John turns to me.

 

 _Damn, I hoped he forgot about that._ I think as my mind goes completely blank of answers. _Shit._ “Um… well you see…” I look to Dean for help and he looks completely lost for words just as much as I feel. “Um… I was just…”

 

“Well spit it out boy.” John pressures.

 

“I…” I panic. “I thought you were my friend Chuck who walked in on me and Lucifer having sex.” I blurt out just as Sam comes back in with a white box with a red cross on it grasped in his hands, and to make it _so_ much better, Lucifer and Chuck decide to show up at that time too. _Oh shit._

 

Dean looks at me nervously, Sam looks at Dean and I confused because he knows Dean and I are together, Lucifer and Chuck look at me in bewilderment, and John looks at me in shock. _Shit._

 

“Oh.” Comes out of John’s mouth.

 

Lucifer, Chuck and Sam walk fully into the room. Sam hands Dean the first aid kit and Dean takes out the Neosporin and a band-aid.

 

Chuck speaks up to my dismay. “What are you talking about Castiel, I thought you and Dean were fucking, or at least that’s what Lucifer told me?”

 

I feel myself go completely pale and my jaw drop. _Oh my God._

 

Dean looks up from his finger, gently putting the band-aid on and now going completely pale himself. “Dad that’s…” He begins but trails off.

 

Lucifer begins laughing. “Oh Chuck you are such a kidder. So damn funny you are.” He turns to John’s surprised, disgusted face. “Chuck’s only kidding. Why would Dean and Angel be having sex? I mean Dean’s not gay. I on the other hand.” He walks over to me and puts his arm around my waist. “I am gay and is dating this hot piece of ass.”

 

I force myself to put an arm around Lucifer’s waist. It feels wrong. I smile and force a chuckle to come out from between my lips.

 

I hear Dean also force a chuckle. “Very funny Chuck.”

 

“I thought you said you two weren’t dating?” John asks Lucifer.

 

Lucifer takes a deep breath. “Oh yeah, yeah a… that was then now we’re um… completely in love.” I can hear the strain in Lucifer’s voice. He’s uncomfortable too.

 

“Huh.” Dean’s father huffs and just stares at us for a few seconds before continuing. “That’s good. I was afraid Dean was becoming a queer for a minute there, no offence you two.”

 

I feel a stab in my heart and see Dean’s face contort into pain but he quickly masks it. “None taken.” Both Lucifer and I say at the same time.

 

“So Dad what are you doing here?” Dean asks trying to change the subject.

 

“Came to see why you’re always here. If I didn’t know any better I would think this young lad,” He inclines his head to Chuck. “was right about you being a fag, my son.” John laughs actually thinking this is funny. The rest of us force a laugh and I can tell Dean is having a harder and harder time keeping the pain hidden from his face.

 

“Yeah that would be something.” Dean says, almost under his breath. So quietly that you could almost barley hear it.

 

I’m beginning to really panic now. “Mr. Winchester, sir?”

 

“Yes my boy?” I can’t believe he just said that.

 

“I’m in love with your son.” Complete silence.

 

I never knew silence could be so nerve wrecking.

 

“Excuse me?” John asks. I can see the confusion and slight anger rake through his old features.

 

Dean is looking at me in a panic.

 

“I mean…” I try to finish what I’m saying but nothing comes out. _Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit._

 

This time it was Sam who started laughing. “Haha we totally got all of you.”

 

I force a smile.

 

Sam continues. “Cas and I talked on the phone the other day and came up with this prank to do on all of you. You guys should have seen your faces. Classic. Oh I’ll never forget this day.” _Oh I’m sure we won’t._ I think but have to admit Lucifer and Sam are pretty damn good actors.

 

“Yeah we totally got you Mr. Winchester.” I on the other hand, is horrible at acting. I begin a fake laugh.

 

Dean joins soon after. “Jeez Cas, you scared me for a minute there. I actually thought you were in love with me.”

 

“Nonsense. There’s only one man for me.” I pull Lucifer closer.

 

Dean smiles and laughs. Turns out, Dean is a good actor too.

 

John huffs a breath. “Seriously Castiel you shouldn’t play those jokes on me. I don’t want any…” He pauses looking me in the eyes. “crushing on Dean.” He leaves the word out.

 

“Yeah I wouldn’t either, if I was a father.” I tell him.

 

“Too bad you’re never going to be one. It’s a great experience.” John smiles at me.

 

“There’s adoption Mr. Winchester.” I try to tell him but he has none of it.

 

He snorts. “Now who would let a couple of fags raise a child? For what, to have that kid grow up just like their two daddies? Disgusting pieces of shit?”

 

Now that crossed the line. I open my mouth to say something but Lucifer beats me too it. “Now wait a minute here Mr. Winchester. Don’t you ever dare call my angel a disgusting piece of shit again or so help me I will punch the hell out of you. I don’t give a rat’s ass whose father you are.” He gets right up into his face but John doesn’t flinch way.

 

I glance at Dean and notice him staring at the floor, completely and utterly heartbroken, crestfallen, and defeated.

 

“Dean?” I whisper to him as John and Lucifer exchange some chosen words.

 

He doesn’t even look me in the eyes, probably feeling ashamed and let down.

 

“It’s okay Dean.” I whisper to him in concern.

 

He finally looks up and gives me a sad smile before looking away again.

 

I turn back to Lucifer and John. “I think you should leave now sir before I slap you silly.” Lucifer growls out menacingly.

 

“Dean drive your brother back with you.” John says, looking over Lucifer’s shoulder before turning around and leaving.

 

“I-I’m sorry I a-almost blew your cover C-C-Castiel and D-Dean.” Chuck stutters guiltily.

 

I don’t pay any attention to him. Instead I look concerning at Dean. “Dean?” I say very quietly. “Dean it’s okay.”

 

I see his bottom lip quivering as he bites it, me assuming it’s in anger but then I see the unexpected. A tear falls to the floor.

 

“Oh Dean.” I go over to him and wrap him in my arms as more tears fall down his tanned, beautiful cheeks.

 

“I’m sorry Cas. I’m so sorry.” He mumbles into my shoulder, making it wet with his tears.

 

“Shhh. It’s okay.” I begin stroking his hair trying to calm him, trying to hold myself together. “I understand Dean. There’s no need to cry. It wasn’t your fault. It was just your dad being a dick.”

 

He takes in a sharp, shaky, uneven breath and blows it out just the same, small whimpers coming from his mouth as his body shakes in my arms.

 

“It’s not your fault. I understand.” I repeat over and over again guiding Dean over to the bed and lying down beside him, keeping his head buried in my shoulder and my hand running through his soft hair. “Shhh. I love you Dean. I love you.”

 

Everyone else comes and sits on the bed beside us, Sam’s own hand joining mine in Dean’s short locks.

 

…

 

Dean cried himself to sleep as Chuck read a new chapter in his ‘book’. It just so happens that Diana is trying to convince Death to retrieve and return Samantha’s soul. I half listen to Chuck and half whisper sweet nothings to Dean as he slowly falls into a restful slumber, face buried in my shoulder.

 

Once Chuck is done with reading his very _interesting_ chapter, Chuck, Lucifer, and Sam leave to go to the dining hall and leave Dean and I alone. Now his even, deep breathing and slight snoring is filling the room.

 

I continue to hold him, to latch on and never let go. All I want to do is protect him from this cruel world that I had to face too many times in my life, to hold him together and not let him shatter because I’ve already shattered a long time ago, still trying to put the pieces together and I don’t want him to join me.

 

So I squeeze him tighter, trying to morph, _melt_ him into my body. We _need_ each other to hold together and I know it. I need him to help me pick up all the tiny pieces and help put them back together, for him to hold them together and he needs me to hold his own pieces together that are so fragile and willing to break.

 

I can’t let that happen.

 

He squeezes be back in his sleep saying my name softly in the quiet room. I kiss the top of his head twice, whispering nonsense.

 

It’s already late, Lucifer finished picking up the glass before he left and put the picture on my nightstand. I pick it up, looking thoughtfully, _longingly_. How I want that day to return. That day was so simple and perfect.

 

Dean stirs and wakes up, moving his head to look me in the eyes. “Hey.” He smiles weakly at me.

 

“Hi.” I say back, I can’t manage a smile.

 

“I can’t believe I started crying.” He chuckles trying to hide his sadness but I know better. “Don’t tell anyone about that.”

 

“Who do I have to tell who doesn’t already know?” I ask, finally managing a half smile.

 

He shrugs his perfectly defined shoulders. “No one really I guess.” He smiles slightly. We have a brief staring contest before he speaks again. “We haven’t gone on many dates have we?”

 

“I think that has something to do with me being in here.” I tell him, looking him in the eyes amorously.

 

“I want to go on a date with you, can we go on a date?” He asks.

 

I look surprised by his suddenness. “O…kay.”

 

He frowns. “Why’d you hesitate?”

 

“You surprised me a little.” I say, stroking his cheek. “Don’t worry, I want to go. I really, really do.”

 

“Even though my dad is a dick?” He asks wearily.

 

“Especially because your dad’s a dick.” I joke.

 

Dean and I chuckle. “I wish I could tell him now.”

 

I frown. “Tell me Dean. Look me in the eyes and tell me honestly if we are ever going to be able to tell your dad that we are together?”

 

Dean also frowns and adverts his eyes from mine, then looking me in the eyes, opens his mouth but then closing it, removing his gaze from mine again. “I’m sorry.”

 

I sigh in disappointment. “Maybe you are right, he just needs time. Hasn’t he seen the picture of us on your nightstand?”

 

He shakes his head. “No, I hide it whenever I’m not in my room or whenever someone, normally him, comes in.”

 

“Oh I see.” I sigh again. “Hey Dean I’m sorry about using Lucifer for back up. I kind of panicked.”

 

This time it’s him who strokes my cheek softly. “It’s okay Cas. I understand, besides what else were you suppose to do?”

 

Another staring contest.

 

Then we hear Sam’s kid voice that hasn’t quite changed from puberty yet. “Sorry to interrupt your little love fest but Dean it’s getting late and we got to go.”

 

Dean doesn’t even glance at Sam but continues looking me in the eyes. “Okay Sammy.” He then wipes his eyes and gets up, stiff from the position he was in. “I’ll come back tomorrow with a frame for our picture and we can also come up with a date time.” He bends down and kisses my nose. “I love you Cas, don’t ever forget that.”

 

“Of course I wouldn’t Dean. I love you too.” I say cupping his cheeks with my hands and kissing his lips.

 

Dean stares at me for a little longer before smiling slightly then turning around and leaving.

 

Lucifer walks in after Dean and Sam leave. “As I thought, that Sam kid is a nice kid. He’s going to grow up into a fine guy someday, once the little dude finally hits puberty.” He chuckles at his own lame attempt at a joke.

 

“Thanks for covering for me Lucifer.” I thank him.

 

“Anytime Angel.” He says then we both go to sleep.

 

…

 

Next day Dean barges in. “Cas, Cas, Cas, look at what I got here.”

 

I look up from the school work that Dean brought so long ago. “Hello Dean.”

 

He’s smiling widely, holding something behind his back. He comes up to me and kisses my lips. He then unhides what he has behind his back.

 

It’s a picture frame and I smile as he hands it to me. “You got it.”

 

“Told you I would.” He sits down next to me, grabbing the picture of us off the nightstand.

 

I hand the picture frame back to him and he puts the picture back in. “Good as new.” He shows me the put together picture and kisses my cheek. He places the frame down on the nightstand. “Now onto more serious business. Our date.” I chuckle from his seriousness. “Don’t laugh, this really is serious.” He chuckles too.

 

“When and where?” I ask turning serious.

 

“Wow you’re good.” He smiles. “I want to go to a fancy restaurant.”

 

“Fancy?” I ask surprised. ‘Fancy’ isn’t Dean’s style.

 

“Hey I can be romantic.” He playfully says.

 

I roll my eyes. “But you hate the chick flick moments.”

 

“Hmm.” He hums, pulling me into a hug. “We’ll tell my dad soon, I promise.” He changes subject.

 

“Do we have to talk about that?” I ask, pulling away from him.

 

“I just feel bad, that’s all.” He holds my hands.

 

I sigh and slightly smile. “You don’t need to though. I’m fine with it.”

 

“Doesn’t mean I don’t.” I pull _him_ into a hug this time, comforting him.

 

“I’ll always love you, you know. No matter what.” I kiss his ear.

 

“I know.” He growls in my ear and then bites my lobe, sucking gently. “I…” He kisses my jaw, “love…” my chin, “you.” my neck.

 

“Dean what are you doing?” I ask hesitantly.

 

“Marking you.” He says against my neck.

 

“Seriously?” I ask, trying to keep back a moan by how Dean is sucking.

 

He bites my neck gently then sucks and laps at the bruise. He moves back to my ear, lips brushing it slightly. “I want everyone to know who you belong too.”

 

“Belong too? What am I your pet?” I ask but not in an angry way.

 

Dean moves to the other side of my neck. “Oh yeah, you’re mine.” He sucks harder this time and I can’t hold back a moan. “You belong to me and only me. Got that?”

 

“Yes master.” I attack his lips shoving my tongue into his mouth before he even has the chance to protest. I push him onto his back and climb on top of him causing, once again, my school work to go flying everywhere.

 

“Oh please not again. You two are like wild animals in heat wanting to fuck each other whenever you get the chance.” I sit up, hearing Lucifer’s exasperated voice.

 

“This would have only been our third time Lucifer.” I say with Dean still under me, rubbing my chest.

 

“Third? I thought the one I unfortunately walked in on was your first?” Lucifer asks all confused.

 

Dean sits up and starts sucking my neck again, trying to give Lucifer the hint to _leave_ , me sitting in his lap and responding to our poor, poor _Luci_. “Nope, my first time was after I went to that party with Dean.”

 

Lucifer looks slightly disappointed. “That was… first time for… I didn’t get to witness your first time? Damn.” He jokes at the end. I shake my head, accidently dislodging Dean.

 

Lucifer sits down on his bed, takes out his book and begins reading.

 

Dean looks at Lucifer annoyed me still in his lap. He clears his throat.

 

Lucifer looks up from his book. “What?”

 

Dean sighs, giving up. I smile at him and climb off his lap.

 

“Oh Dean?” Lucifer suddenly says. Dean turns from staring at me hungrily to look at Lucifer. He continues. “If anything happens to Angel when you’re away from here, please call this place and let me know, please?”

 

Dean nods. “Sure, no problem.” He pauses then decides to be nice to Lucifer, which surprises me. “Hey Lucifer, thanks for caring and being there for Cas. I really appreciate it.”

 

Lucifer stares at him suspiciously for a few seconds before deciding Dean is telling the truth. “Yeah, no problem. He kind of just makes friends with you. You can’t help it.”

 

I laugh. “Then tell me why I have zip for friends in school?”

 

“Those people don’t matter.” Lucifer says.

 

Dean moves behind me and starts massaging my shoulders, kissing my neck along the way. I guess he is trying to send Lucifer a message again. “You’re right, they don’t matter but you’re also wrong. I could never make friends in school because I was too much of a socially awkward teenager who would always stand too close to you.” Dean’s now licking the back of my neck causing goose bumps.

 

“You’re not that socially awkward.” Lucifer stands up with his book. “See you later Angel.” He walks out.

 

“Finally.” Dean growls into the back of my neck, nipping lightly.

 

I chuckle and turn around kissing his gorgeous lips. He lies me down on my back, getting on top.

 

I moan into the kiss when suddenly Dean’s phone starts to ring.

 

He stops his assault on my lips, rests his forehead against my own, closing his eyes and sighing. He reaches into his pocket and retrieves the annoying piece of machine. He scrutinizes the screen for a second before sighing again and sitting up, answering the electronic devise on the way. “Yes Sam?” I sit up to listen and Dean actually lets me.

 

Sam’s voice comes from the phone. “Dean, Dad wants-”

 

He’s cut off by John taking the phone. “Dean Winchester, get your ass over here. We need to discuss exactly why I got a phone call from the school coach telling me you got kicked off the team, and don’t even think about telling me some bull shit lie. Bad influence, what the hell does he mean by that? Get home now. Where are you anyways?”

 

Dean hesitates to answer. I can see the panic on his face. “Um… I’m at Cas’.”

 

There’s silence until we hear a click and dial tone.

 

“You don’t think he knows do you?” I ask, worried for Dean.

 

“Nah and I’ll just tell him some ‘bull shit lie’ of why I’m ‘a bad influence’. Strange how long it took coach to call my Dad.” He responds. “I better go. We’ll have to, once again, post pone talking and planning out a date.”

 

“Okay.” He kisses me and gets up, beginning to leave. “Good luck.”

 

He turns around and winks at me, then disappears through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading you guys.
> 
> The book that Lucifer is reading is the only book in my collection with a devil on the front cover so that’s why I chose it. I actually haven’t read it myself yet but it is on the list of books I want to read.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The restaurant is not a real restaurant to my knowledge.

**Chapter 21:**

 

“He was so mad that I thought he wouldn’t even let me explain.” Dean’s annoyed voice comes from the phone. He decided to call me later that night.

 

“What did you say?” I’m lying on my back staring at the ceiling, trying to imagine the look on Dean’s face.

 

“I told him I got into a fight with Lisa and he kicked me off the team because he doesn’t want the other guys to think its okay to ‘yell at a female’.” Dean says.

 

“I see.” I say. “You make him sound like a sexist.”

 

“No, instead he’s a homophobic dick.” I’m sure Dean is rolling his eyes.

 

“So is your dad.” I add.

 

I hear Dean sigh. “Oh yeah and that’s just great. His son is fucking gay and he’s homophobic.”

 

“He’ll understand eventually, I’m sure.” I try to reassure him but I’m also trying to reassure myself. “Let’s plan our date shall we?” I try to cheer Dean up by changing subjects.

 

“I already have the time and place picked.” Dean immediately cheers up.

 

I smile at how happy he all of a sudden has gotten. “Okay I’m listening.”

 

“Valentine’s Day is a time for love Cas and it is going to be the day our love blossoms even more than it already has, if that’s even possible.” He pauses and I just smile into the phone. “We are going to go to this fancy restaurant, I’m going to surprise you with the place, but we’re going to have wear monkey suits unfortunately.”

 

I get confused. “Why would we need to dress up as monkeys?”

 

There’s a pause from Dean’s end then there is laughter. “No Cas, not real monkey costumes, formal suits.”

 

“Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” I ask even more confused than before.

 

Dean sighs. “Never mind Cas.” He chuckles. “I’ll take care of getting a suit.”

 

“What are you going to tell your dad?” I ask.

 

“I’ll just tell him I’m going with a girl from school.” He tells me.

 

I smile from the excitement of going on a date with Dean Winchester, the school stud. I look to our picture. “Okay, it’s a date.”

 

“I’m not done.” Again I become confused. “After dinner we’re going to go see a movie.”

 

“I’m guessing it’ll be a scary movie or action movie or else you’ll explode with chick flick overflow.” I tease.

 

“Haha very funny. Yes it is going to be a scary movie because I want you to get scared and grab my hand or possibly sit on my lap.” I roll my eyes. “Hey don’t roll your eyes at me.” Dean says knowingly.

 

I smile. “Okay but if anyone is going to be in anybody’s lap, it is going to be you in mine.”

 

“Yeah right my cute little fallen angel.” I can tell he has a wide grin spread across his face.

 

I smile too. “Fallen, yes, little, I don’t think so.”

 

Dean chuckles. “Is that supposed to be a come on?”

 

“Maybe.” I simply say.

 

“Well aren’t you a dirty little boy.” He chuckles again.

 

“I said, not little Dean.” I say as seductively as possible.

 

I hear Dean snigger slightly. “You don’t know how badly you’re turning me on Cas.”

 

“Then let me please you.” I’m also getting really turned on but for now it’s about Dean and only Dean.

 

I next hear Dean’s breath hitch and he swallows. “Are you suggesting phone sex?”

 

“Well sort of.” I begin. “Except you’re the only one that will be pleased. Let’s begin shall we?” I start before he can say no. “Now I’m kissing you Dean, not hard but passionately. You understand Dean?”

 

He moans into the phone. “Damn Cas, how come I hadn’t realizes you are so damn hot before I fell in love with you?”

 

I growl deep in my throat just to turn him on more. “I’m getting lower Dean. After devouring your neck I’m kissing your chest. That feel good Dean?”

 

He lets out a breath. “Yes.” He drags the word out,

 

“Now I’m sucking and nipping at your nipple.” I’m getting hard now; I just hope I can hold out.

 

“Damn Cas.” He’s starting to become breathless.

 

I smirk. “Lower Dean but… don’t touch yourself yet Dean.”

 

“Cas.” He whines.

 

“Quiet Dean wouldn’t want John to hear. I get to your belly button, circling my tongue around the naval. Then I stick my tongue into the hole.” I can hear Dean straining with the effort to not touch and relieve himself. “I kiss and lick the inside of your thigh but I don’t touch your throbbing dick yet.”

 

“You evil son of a bitch.” Dean manages to breath out with strained effort.

 

I continue. “I kiss painfully slow down both your legs until I reach your toes. I kiss and suck all ten of them then make my way back up your sweet, long legs.” Dean moans again.

 

“W-why are you doing this?” Dean struggles to ask.

 

I’m quiet for a long time having to think of the answer. I finally decide on something. “To make up for all I’ve done.”

 

“Like what?” He still sounds constricted.

 

“For everything. Cutting myself, over dosing, jumping from a fourth story window, then trying to bleed to death.” I tell him.

 

He lets out a snort. “If anyone needs to make up for past mistakes then it’s me. I hurt you so much Cas. That’s why I want to be the best boyfriend I can.” He pauses for a short time, short enough so I don’t have enough time to respond. “You don’t need to make up for it. It’s not your fault and I understand.”

 

“You don’t need to either Dean.” I tell him. “Personally I think I do though. What I did was horrible and it hurt you a lot.”

 

“Do you think it’s horrible because you hurt me or because it was wrong?” He asks through the phone.

 

“I start licking and sucking you balls.” I say not wanting to answer the question.

 

“Hey don’t try and avoid the question.” He says.

 

I give up. “Because I hurt you.”

 

There’s silence from the phone. “Okay.” Dean finally speaks up.

 

“I’m sorry.” I try but Dean doesn’t allow me to finish.

 

“You know Cas I still have a boner so if you wouldn’t mind.” He says not so subtly.

 

Once again I roll my eyes. “Okay sorry to deprive you of pleasure.” I smirk. “I start at the base-”

 

“Hold up.” Dean interrupts. “Shit my Dad is coming. I got to go Cas. See you on Valentine’s Day. Bye, love you.”

 

“Okay, bye, love-” click and dial tone. “you too.” I sigh before I hit end on the wireless phone.

 

I lie on my bed for about an hour until Lucifer walks into the room and I sit up. “Hey Angel.”

 

“Hi.” I greet him in a disappointed tone.

 

Lucifer looks at me closely, studying my face. “What’s got you so down?”

 

I snort and shake my head. “How do you know something’s wrong?”

 

“I’ve been your roommate for how long now? I know your looks.” He says.

 

I look at him for a long time, just not saying anything. “Dean and I are going on a date on Valentine’s Day.”

 

“Okay.” Lucifer comes and sits on the edge of my bed. I lie back down onto my back, hands under my head. “But that’s not what’s wrong so what is?”

 

“I don’t want you to think I’m a hypocrite.” I say staring at the ceiling.

 

“I won’t judge.” Lucifer rubs my leg for reassurance.

 

I still think twice about telling him but in the end I do anyway. “It’s the whole deal with keeping mine and Dean’s relationship a secret from his dad.” He opens his mouth to respond but I don’t give him the chance. “I know I’m being a big hypocrite considering how long it took me too…” I pause. “Actually I didn’t even really come out myself. I came out to Dean and Lisa found out and told it to the whole school… great that makes me an even bigger hypocrite.” I cover my face with my hands in shame and embarrassment.

 

Lucifer pries my hands from my face to look me in the eyes. “I understand though. Now that you _are_ out-”

 

I cut him off. “I don’t want to go back to hiding it.”

 

“Exactly.” Lucifer agrees.

 

“I didn’t even get to finish my ‘I love you too’ because his father was coming, _and_ he is going to tell his ass of a father that he’s going out with a girl on Valentine’s Day instead of the forbidden Castiel Novak, a guy.” I say exasperated.

 

“Why don’t you tell Dean that it’s bothering you to keep it a secret and I’m sure that way Dean will tell his father soon?” Lucifer half asks and states.

 

I huff. “Yeah and then John will kill me with his rifle for ‘corrupting’ his precious little son.”

 

Lucifer looks worried. “You don’t think he’d actually do that do you?”

 

“No.” I sigh and shake my head. “John Winchester I don’t think is capable of murder, no matter what.”

 

“Yeah you’re probably right after all you know him better than I do.” Lucifer agrees. “Does he really have a rifle?”

 

“Yeah he does, a double barrel. He goes hunting with Dean and Sam sometimes.” I inform.

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes and goes and sits on his own bed. “So he’s a good aim, _great_.”

 

“He’s not going to shoot me when he finds out about me and Dean, don’t worry.” I smile to put his mind at rest.

 

“I hope you’re right for your sake.” He says then lies down on his back.

 

 

_Me too Lucifer, me too._ I think as I close my eyes, ready for sleep.

 

…

 

“Here you go Castiel and Lucifer.” Chuck is standing in front of me and Lucifer holding out two roses. One for each of us.

 

“Thank you Chuck.” I grab the rose.

 

“Thank you Chuckles.” Lucifer says.

 

Chuck blushes a deep red at Lucifer’s comment. “Y-you’re w-w-welcome Lucifer and Castiel.”

 

I smile at Chuck’s blush and Lucifer ruffles his hair. He looks like he is going to explode with embarrassment so I save him by saying, “Where’d you get the rose? I would like to get Dean one before he gets here in a few minutes.”

 

“Dining hall, they’re giving them away for free.” He smiles innocently. “I would go and get one now because they’re almost out.”

 

I smile warmly at him. “Okay thank you Chuck.”

 

“Angel I’ll come with you.” Lucifer says. “Chuck you come with us.”

 

“O-okay.” Chuck answers shyly.

 

I lead the way to the dining hall and once there the three of us go up to the woman holding the roses.

 

“Hi, excuse me, I would like three please.” I say to her and take the three she hands me.

 

“I’d like two please.” I stare at Lucifer in astonishment as he takes two roses. “One for you my little cherub.” I roll my eyes as Lucifer turns to Chuck. “And one for you Chucky.”

 

I watch as Chuck’s face turns a bright red this time instead of the earlier dark red. “Th-thank you, L-Lucifer.”

 

I chuckle under my breath. “Thank you Lucifer, here’s one for you too and of course one for you Chuck.”

 

Once again Chuck looks like he is going to die from embarrassment and I have to stifle a laugh. “Um… I’ll… um… see you guys later.”

 

Lucifer whistles. “Hold up Chuckles, Angel here has a date so you and I are going to be hanging out today.” He places his arm around Chuck’s shoulders. “Have a good time Angel.” He winks and the both of them are off to do their own thing.

 

I chuckle and shake my head with amusement. I make my way back to the room and when I enter, there stands Dean, back to the door, dressed in a suit that is all black and holding one for me. I wolf whistle at him causing him to turn around. He has a white shirt on under the suit jacket and a blue striped tie. “Looking snazzy Dean.”

 

“You think so? I think I look ridiculous.” He says coming up to me and kissing me, short and simple.

 

“Oh yeah your hot.” I tell him with a smirk.

 

He chuckles and hands me the suit. “Here get changed so we both will look snazzy.”

 

I close the door allowing more privacy while I change and Dean goes to get my pills and sign me out.

 

I put on the suit. It is all black with a white shirt to put on underneath the suit jacket. The tie Dean has gotten me is blue. I struggle with putting that on so I give up leaving it crooked and messy. I pick up the tan trench coat that is set flat on my bed.

 

“What is this?” I ask Dean as he comes back in.

 

“Oh um…” He scratches the back of his neck. “That… um… I was going to get a different color, you know like black, but that was the only color they had and I really wanted to see you in a trench coat, so… put it on.”

 

“O…kay.” I put the trench coat on.

 

“Looking good Castiel.” Dean comes up to me and puts his arms around my neck, pulling me close. “Ready?”

 

I nod and let him lead me out. It doesn’t take us long to get to our destination, probably twenty minutes if that. I look at the restaurant. “Dean this place is expensive.”

 

The restaurant that we drove up to is _Luc_ _De La Ronde_ , a French restaurant, and highly expensive.

 

“Don’t worry Cas. Dad gave me his credit card.” He begins leading me to the humungous place and into the front entryway to be greeted by an employee.

 

“Right this way monsieurs.” He leads the way to our table and as we sit down he hands us a menu.

 

“Merci.” Dean says back to the well dressed and might I add handsome employee.

 

I turn to Dean. “I didn’t know you knew French.”

 

He smirks at me. “Only some.”

 

“Huh, well as long as I’ve known you I’m still learning new things about you Mr. Winchester.” I say.

 

“Well Mr. Novak, here’s hoping one day we both will know everything about each other.” He says back placing his hand on mine.

 

I look at our hands, now being intertwined with each other, fingers lacing around one another. I glance back up to Dean and he almost looks struck by my piercing blue eyes.

 

“Mr. Winchester, I must ask, are you okay with PDA in a fancy restaurant?” A smile creeps up across my face.

 

Dean opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He then smiles, letting go of my hand and reaching up to grasp the back of neck, pulling me forward. He kiss my lips lightly at first but then deepening it quickly. It’s not an open mouth kiss however and it’s still elegant enough for the restaurant that we are currently sitting in.

 

He pulls away but keeps our face close. “Oh yeah, trust me I am.” He whispers it just loud enough for me to hear.

 

He lets go of my neck letting us sit back in our chairs. The waiter comes over to get our drink and meal order a few minutes after that public display of affection.

 

 

Once we get our meals we eat quickly but trying to still be polite because of where we are. We make little conversations and flirts, loving it all the while.

 

At one point I sit there watching Dean eat and I remember thinking, _wow, I really love this guy._

“So Dean, after you said goodbye on the phone…” I didn’t feel like it was right to say ‘after _we_ ’. “What did you do about your big problem in the pants?”

 

Dean almost chokes on the food that he had currently in his mouth, swallowing before answering. “I went into the shower and jerked off.”

 

This time it was my turn to choke. I should have known better than to take a bite when Dean was answering that question. “Really?” I ask after my coughing fit and swallowing whatever that was lodged in my throat.

 

He nods. “Yep and it felt awesome. All I had to do was pretend it was your mouth around my cock.”

 

It is a good thing I haven’t put anything into my mouth yet or else I probably would have choked again.

 

Dean has a seductive smirk plastered on his face.

 

“You tease.” I accuse.

 

“Hey that’s me.” He says giving me ‘the eye’ that says ‘come back to my place and fuck me senseless’. Although in his case it’d probably be him fucking me.

 

“I think you have been a little to horny lately.” I scold playfully.

 

“Hey I can’t help it if I’m attracted to you, physically and mentally.” He claims.

 

Dean pays with his father credit card once we are finished and we make our way back to the Impala, laughing our ass off at some joke Dean said.

 

We are half way to the movie theater when Dean abruptly says, “Shit, I forgot to grab money for the movie. Where going to have to stop at my place quickly.”

 

“Is that going to be safe?” I get uneasy and a bad feeling.

 

“Yeah just stay in the car.” He continues to drive and we soon pull into his drive way. Dean’s about to get out when he shifts to look at something, then his eyes get wide and you can see the nervousness settle into his face. “I think my Dad is in the window.”

 

“What?” I turn to look but Dean stops me half way by grabbing my face.

 

“Don’t look, he may recognize you.” He continues to look out the window.

 

“What are we going to do?” I ask, becoming extremely uneasy.

 

Dean shift in the seat. “It’ll be okay, just… let me handle this. I’ll be back with the money before you know it.” He gives me a reassuring smile but it looks very forced.

 

He gets out of the car and I watch him walk up to his front door. He takes out his keys to unlock the door but it opens by itself, Sam standing in the door way. They both glance to me and then John appears. He doesn’t look at me but instead points into the house, directing Dean to get inside. Dean walks in without a glance back, shutting the door behind him.

 

I sit there in nervous anticipation, wondering what they are talking about. Different scenarios run through my brain, invading my thoughts. _What’s taking so long? Is Dean okay?_ I think after what seems like an hour sitting alone in the Impala when really it’s only been twenty minutes.

 

Dean then appears in the doorway, walking to his beloved Impala, but instead of going to the driver’s side and getting in he comes to my side, opening the door. “My Dad wants you to come in.” He doesn’t look me in the eyes and instead looks at his feet.

 

“He knows it’s me?” Dean just nods.

 

I get out of the car, nervous as all hell, and follow Dean up the front steps and into the warm house.

 

John is in the living room, just standing there, and Sam is nowhere in sight. “I sent Sam to his room.” John’s angry voice booms.

 

Dean doesn’t even look up at his father, just continues to look at the floor or his shoes.

 

“Hello Mr. Winchester.” I say so quietly that I don’t know if he heard me.

 

“Don’t give me that shit.” He practically yells and I, too, find myself not able to look into John’s eyes.

 

“Sorry Mr. Winchester.” I try but is shot down.

 

“You can be sorry once you tell me what the hell is going on between you and my son.” I shift my weight from one foot to the other.

 

“I already told you Dad. The girl I asked out cancelled so I decided to take Cas out for a change of scenery.” Dean finally looks up at his father.

 

“To a fancy restaurant, dressed in… in… those.” He gesticulates to our get ups.

 

“I already paid for the damn registration Dad, what the fuck did you expect me to do?” Dean yells back.

 

 

For minute I’m afraid John is going to slap or punch Dean because he looks a lot like my mother right now, but the fist never comes. “Don’t you take that tone with me boy.”

 

Dean looks defiantly at his father but can’t keep the stare for long and resorts back to his staring at anything other than sets of eyes.

 

“Mr. Winchester look-” I begin but John interrupts me.

 

“No I change my mind. I want to hear what’s going on by my son because it seems that he’s been lying to me for a _long_ time.” He glares dangerously at me then to Dean.

 

Dean looks like he is about to explode. With anger or something else I’m not sure. “Dad-”

 

“Tell me the damn truth Dean, now!” Dean’s father yells so loudly that I’m sure the neighbors can hear.

 

“Okay I’ll tell you, just promise me you won’t hurt Cas.” Dean starts. John just remains silent.

 

I’m shaking and I can see Dean shaking too.

 

Dean takes a deep breath. “Cas and I are in love and were dating.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than I have been making them but I felt like this was a good spot to end it because of the cliff hanger.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22:**

 

For the longest time the three of us just stare at each other, John looking the most shocked.

 

Soon I can’t take the silence anymore. “Mr. Winchester let me explain…”

 

I shouldn’t have said anything because as soon as I do, it’s like a match is lit in a gas filled room. Something inside John explodes. “Don’t even fucking dare say anything to me you disgusting faggot! I can’t believe you have turned my son into your kind!” He rubs his face, rage fueling his words and actions. “This is disgusting. I feel like fucking puking.”

 

“Dad…” Dean tries to say anything to calm his father but has little effect.

 

“You better not say anything to me either boy or else you’ll have it handed to you.” He spits out.

 

I’m scared. I’m not just scared for Dean, which I’m actually terrified for, but for me as well. What is John Winchester going to do to me?

 

Dean steps in front of me, probably thinking the same as I. “Dad just calm down and let us explain things.”

 

He looks to Dean and for once in my life I’m more scared than I ever was when my mother was hitting me. “This has better been a joke Dean Winchester or so help me…”

 

“No Dad…” Dean tries to gain his thoughts. “It wasn’t a joke Dad. We really are in love and there’s nothing wrong or disgusting about it. It’s just two human beings that are in love with each other”

 

When Dean says that the pure, ultimate rage that flashes into John’s eyes is crippling. “Nothing… nothing wrong with it Dean? You’re two fucking guys! How is that not wrong?”

 

“Would you think that if it was two girls?” Dean asks trying to stay calm.

 

“Yes!” John yells.

 

“But you were fine with Cas up until now. You were fine with him being gay.” Dean points out.

 

“I was tolerant.” John corrects. “And that was before my own son joined him.”

 

I’m standing there, watching their argument over Dean’s shoulder. Dean then backs up a little, pushing me along toward the door. John seems to not have noticed.

 

“So what, now that it’s your own son you can’t ‘tolerate’ it anymore?” He asks.

 

“No I can’t.” John takes a step towards us and again Dean backs up. “No son of mine is going to be a faggot, especially under my roof.” A flash of realization crosses his face. “Have you two had sex yet?”

 

Neither of us answer, too scared of the response.

 

He turns to look at me. “That’s what you were talking about being naked. You son of a bitch, what have you done to my son? Have you done it under this roof too?” He directs the question to me. “Answer me boy.”

 

“Yes we have Dad, got a problem with that?” Dean stands his ground, trying to act tough.

 

“That is just…” John trails off. “nasty and disgusting. I can’t believe you have had sex with a male under this roof! Your room is contaminated now!”

 

_Contaminated? What the hell is he talking about?_ I think as Dean makes the next statement.

 

“You can’t change me Dad.” Dean yells back. “You can’t make me stop.”

 

“Yeah we’ll see about that.” He makes his way towards us and Dean backs up but my back hits the wall and there is nowhere to run to.

 

“Don’t you dare touch him Dad.” Dean steps even more in front of me, blocking me from John.

 

John grabs Dean’s arm and yanks him away from me. “Move Dean.”

 

“No.” Dean struggles to stand his ground managing to for a few seconds, grabbing his own father’s arm to try and pry his death grip from his arm. John, however, is slightly more built than Dean and manages to get him out of the way, shoving him across the room.

 

John brings up his hand and slaps me right on the left cheek before I even have the chance to react. My head whips to the side. I lose my balance and hunch over against the wall, cupping my cheek.

 

“Cas.” Dean tries to get to me but John is blocking his way with his body. “Dad stop.”

 

My heart is pounding a mile a minute. So fast that it’s almost like a heart attack.

 

John grabs my right wrist, clenching so hard around it I’m almost afraid he’s going to break the bone. I can’t hold back a hiss from the pain that the grip causes and John dragging me across the room to the door. “Get out. Go!” He pushes me out of the house causing me to trip down the stairs, twisting my left ankle. “Go!” He says again, pointing out to the road.

 

Dean pushes past John and runs to where I’m sat on the ground, clutching my throbbing ankle. He kneels down to inspect me. “What are you going to do, have him walk back?”

 

“Exactly so you better get your ass back in here Dean Winchester.” John growls.

 

“You can’t make him walk, it’s fucking cold out and it’s far away!” Dean snaps and yells.

 

Fearing for Dean’s own safety I cup his face with my hands, turning his head to face me. “Dean, Dean I’ll walk okay? I’ll walk.”

 

“No you’re not going to fucking walk just because my dad is being a homophobic prick.” He yells more to his father than me.

 

“Yes I am Dean. You’re going to let me walk okay?” I plead with my eyes.

 

Dean’s own eyes look hurt and broken. He slowly nods, averting his eyes from mine. He slowly stands up. “Am I kicked out too?” I think I see a slight glimmer of hope in Dean’s eyes but I’m not sure if it is hope _for_ being kicked out or hope for _not_ being kicked out.

 

“No you’re going straight to your room. Now go.” He points up the stairs. Dean looks at me one last time before disappearing into the house and up the stairs, head hung low. John turns back to me. “You better run along before you get a bullet in your back.”

 

I stand up and try to put pressure on the foot with the twisted ankle but pain shoots up my leg as I do so. I glare at John before turning around and limping away, the chill of the night already hitting my bones.

 

I’m not quite sure how long I’ve been walking for but it seems like ages and I’m not even sure I’m going the right way. It must be pretty late since there are little to no cars on the road. Fatigue is starting to take over my body and the throbbing in my ankle feels worse than before. The pain is so bad that I’m gritting my teeth together hard enough to cause pain there also and hissing out every time I step down. It’s also getting harder to walk from the pain and my limping has become more apparent, slowing me down. Where John grabbed me on my wrist also hurts along with my cheek. Eventually I have to stop walking and rest outside a gas station, the convenient store part closed for the night. I sit on the curb, arms wrapped around me, shivering uncontrollably.

 

I wonder if Dean is okay and if John has given him anymore grief. _Probably._ I think with a sigh. Then I wonder if Dean has gotten a chance to call my place, if he can even call that place without being caught by John, and asking for me. I wonder if he has, if he’s worried about me because I’m not there but of course if I wasn’t there and Dean, the one that signed me out, called and asked for me, the hospital would probably be freaking out as well.

 

I can’t stand up. Every time I do a splitting pain erupts in my ankle shooting up my leg, so I just sit there fighting off sleep. I really shouldn’t fall asleep outside in the cold. I could get hypothermia.

 

I try to curl up into myself even more when headlights shine in my eyes. I squint into the light and the thought that maybe I’m dead crosses my mind.

 

A guy steps out of the car and comes over to me, kneeling beside me, wrapping their arms around me. “Oh Cas.” Dean squeezes more. “I’m so glad I found you. Come on, let’s get you home.”

 

_Home, what home?_ I let Dean pull me up and make a little whining sound as I put pressure on my foot.

 

Dean looks at me concerned. “You look exhausted and you’re obviously in pain.” He kisses my temple, me barely registering the action. He puts my arm around his shoulder and helps me over to the Impala. He helps me to get inside it then gets in on his own side, driving away.

 

We sit there in complete silence as I continue to fight drowsiness. I finally say something. “Dean, did you call the hospital? Is that why you were out looking for me?”

 

I see him shake his head from the corner of my eyes. “No, I just had this gut feeling that you needed help finding your way back.” Again complete silence until Dean breaks it. “I’m actually supposed to be at Bobby’s right now. Dad kicked me out but didn’t want me going to yours so he called Bobby telling him to call him back when I got there. I went and explained things to him, so he knows about us now and he’s cool with it thank God, and let me out to look for you even though my Dad told him not to let me out and to watch me.” I just sit there in silence. “I’m glad Bobby understands.” Dean looks distant and worn out. He glances over at me. “You can go to sleep Cas if you want. I’ll wake you when we get there.”

 

So with that I close my eyes and let sleep take away all the pain.

 

…

 

I wake feeling lips on my cheek. As I start shifting in the Impala’s seat, the lips leave my cheek and the back of a hand replaces it. Then comes Dean’s quiet voice. “Hey Cas, I brought you to Bobby’s instead. Figured we can handle that ankle better here that way we wouldn’t have to explain anything to those nurses. Also your cheek has turned a bright red where my Dad hit you.”

 

I sit up and look at him. “I love you Dean, even now.” I felt the need to say it, after seeing Dean’s hurt filled eyes.

 

Dean quickly gets out and makes his way to my side, helping me out and to Bobby’s front door. Dean knocks on the door. “I don’t have a spare key yet.”

 

The door opens slowly and there appears Bobby’s worn out face from age. He takes a quick look at me then says, “Come on in boys.”

 

We make our way in slowly, me trying not to put too much pressure on my ankle as it is starting to throb again.

 

Dean sets me down on the couch in the ‘living room’, even though it’s more like a study, and leaves to go get the ice Bobby is already preparing. Both of them soon return, Bobby sitting in his desk chair and Dean coming to sit next to me, lifting my leg up to his lap and placing the ice on my ankle. He also hands me another bag full of ice wrapped in a cloth for my cheek. The cold feels good against the heat coming off of the spot John hit.

 

Now that we are in the light I can see a red, blue-ish spot on Dean’s own cheek.

 

“I wouldn’t blame you if you broke up with me because of my damn father hitting you.” He says angrily, not meeting my eyes.

 

“Dean.” I begin.

 

“I mean what the hell was he thinking, hitting someone whose-” I cut him off.

 

“Dean, Dean, stop, look at me.” I cup his non bruised cheek with my hand. “I’m not going to leave you because your father hit me. It’s fine.”

 

“Are you kidding? It’s not fine, far from fine.” His voice is rising.

 

I try to calm him. “Yes, yes it is. Dean its fine”

 

“He can’t just hit you Cas, you’re not even his own son! He hit someone else’s kid. That’s even worse Cas.” He yells and I expect Bobby to stop him but he doesn’t. He just sits there watching the whole thing go down. “That’s not okay Cas.”

 

“But it’s okay for him to hit you?” Dean looks shocked. “Yeah don’t think I hadn’t noticed. I may not have seen that bruise in the dark but now that we’re in some light I can see it perfectly.” I gesture to the red, blue bruise with my chin.

 

Dean seems to get angrier. “Don’t you give me that crap. How long did you put up with your fucking mother? How many damn fucking times did I tell you, plead you, to turn in your own mother? Huh Cas? This was only a onetime thing.” He points to his hurt cheek then to me. “Your mother hit you more than once.”

 

I look away, Dean’s words hitting home inside me. “Yeah and that was a mistake.” I say quietly, almost not loud enough for anyone to hear.

 

Dean shakes his head. “Sometimes you can be such a hypocrite.” He gets up. At least he has the courtesy to gently put my leg down, keeping the ice on it. He makes his way to the door.

 

“Where are you going now?” I ask him.

 

He doesn’t look at me. “I need to get some air, clear my head.” He turns the knob and opens the door but doesn’t immediately leave looking as if he is contemplating something. “I’m sorry I yelled at you Cas.” And then he walks out.

 

I fall back against the couch closing my eyes. “Damn it.” I say under my breath.

 

“So explain to me again boy, what’s goin’ on?” Bobby asks after a few seconds of silence, seeming to ignore mine and Dean’s argument.

 

I look down at my right wrist and see a red hand print wrapped around it. I place the ice that I had pressed against my cheek onto the red hand mark. “Bobby, I’m sorry, but I’m really tired so could we, maybe, talk about this later?”

 

Bobby gets up from his spot with a grunt. “Of course kiddo.” He pats my shoulder as he leaves.

 

I lie my head down on the arm rest, closing my eyes. Only a few hours pass when I feel my legs being picked up. I open my eyes and sit up slightly, squinting because of the drowsiness. “Dean?”

 

Dean is sitting with my feet in his lap, holding the ice that has almost completely melted on my ankle. He glances at me and smiles shyly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

“It’s uh… fine.” I tell him.

 

We sit there in silence for a while, not knowing what to say.

 

“Look Cas/Dean.” We both begin at the same time. “You go ahead.” We say again at the same time.

 

“Go ahead Dean.” This time I manage to beat him.

 

“You were right.” He won’t look at me. “My Dad doesn’t have a right to hit me just as much as he doesn’t have a right to hit you, and I’m sorry that I snapped at you.”

 

“Have you ever noticed how we’re always fighting?” I ask out of the blue.

 

Dean still doesn’t look up but he get is usual thinking face on. He then slowly nods. “Yeah I have but…” He trails off.

 

“I think it’s because we have too much stress in our lives. I’m sure it’ll dwindle later on in life.” I say.

 

Dean finally looks at me, hope in his beautiful eyes. “That mean you’re not breaking up with me?”

 

“When did I ever say I was?” I sit up more to kiss him.

 

He cups my face in his hands and I slowly lay back onto the couch, Dean coming forward and laying on top of me.

 

That’s how we fall asleep, Dean on top of me and my arms wrapped tightly around him.

 

…

 

I wake up when I hear a loud thud from Dean falling off the couch and landing on the floor. I look over the edge. “You okay?”

 

He rubs his head where he hit it. “Yeah I’m just peachy.” He sighs and gets up onto his knees. He leans in and pecks my lips before getting all the way up. “It’s tomorrow.” He says looking out the window behind the couch.

 

“It is?” I look behind me too. “The hospital is going to kill you.”

 

“Yeah I should probably bring you back. Let me just go and tell Bobby.” He begins to leave but asks before fully out of the room, “How’s your ankle?”

 

“Its fine right now but I haven’t put pressure on it yet.” I tell him.

 

He frowns and nods then leaves to find Bobby.

 

I don’t know how long I’m sitting there but eventually there is knock on the door. I get up and to my relief my ankle doesn’t hurt too much, only a slight pain. I walk up to the door and look out the window. I wasn’t going to open the door if I knew the person since this was Bobby’s house but I am curious.

 

I gasp in surprise as I see John standing outside the door, still looking pissed. I walk as fast as I can up the stairs without hurting my ankle any further, to Dean. “Dean your dad’s here.”

 

“What?” He asks in surprise. “Bobby what are we going to do?” Dean turns to the old man.

 

“You,” He points to me. “Stay up here. Dean you better come with me.”

 

The both of them leave and I hear the door open. “Hey Dad.”

 

“John.” Bobby greets.

 

“Bobby… can I come in?” John asks and I hear shuffling.

 

“You don’t need to look around Dad, he’s not here and I’m here so I’m not off with Cas or anything.” Dean says, clearly annoyed.

 

“Don’t you dare say that name again boy.” He growls at Dean. “Did Dean tell you about his little experiment?” John asks Bobby.

 

I sneak down the stairs, grimacing every time a step creaked, not able to hold back my curiosity. I look around the door frame and to the three people standing in the living room turned study.

 

“Yeah and I really don’t see what’s so wrong with it.” Bobby answers.

 

John snorts in disgust and displeasure. “It’s just plain wrong Bobby.”

 

Bobby remains quiet when Dean shoots him a warning glance to ‘be quiet or else you’ll have me kicked out of this place too.’

 

“Glad to see you here boy. Maybe it’ll give you some time to clear your head, come to your senses, and see how wrong and disgusting it is.” He walks back to the door and I hide behind a cabinet. “I got to get to work. I’ll check up on you later Dean.” John walks out of the house and leaves.

 

I come out from my hiding place. “I thought Bobby told you to stay upstairs?” Dean asks as he comes over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into a hug.

 

I don’t say anything, don’t see the point.

 

“Before you go back, I want you, Castiel, to tell me your side of what the hell happened.” Bobby interrupts us.

 

We go and sit in the living room/study, Dean and I, again, on the couch and Bobby in his chair behind the desk. I decide to begin after some thought. “I fell in love with Dean a long time ago.” I start at the beginning, thinking that would be the easiest way of telling him. “So then we got back together, even though we really weren’t broken up in the first place, after Dean broke up with Lisa.”

 

“Wait how long have you two idjits been keepin’ this a secret? By what you’ve been sayin’ it sounds like a long time.” Bobby asks.

 

“A few months.” I say then continue. After some more talking a reach the end. “And finally John saw us and we basically had no choice but to tell him. He flipped out, hit me, pushed me down the stairs, and kicked me out. Apparently he hit and kicked out Dean too.” I say looking at my lover.

 

Bobby seems deep in thought. “I’ve never known John to be of the homophobic type.”

 

Dean huffs. “Yeah well he is.”

 

“I’m sorry boys. Wish I could do somethin’ for ya.” He says. Silence engulfs the room before Bobby speaks up again. “Which one of you boys top and bottom?”

 

Dean snaps his head at him in shock. “What?” He starts to glare at Bobby. “None of your business.”

 

 

Feeling like lightening up the mood by messing with Dean I say, “I like to think of our relationship as the non-stereotypical male::female, masculine::feminine, top::bottom.”

 

Dean looks at me next in surprise. “What?”

 

I turn my head to him. “Didn’t we talk about this?”

 

“No.” Dean says, irked.

 

“Oh.” I look away as if it is nothing.

 

Dean still looks completely astounded. Then you can see him thinking and something clicks. “W-wait, does that mean you want to be top someday?”

 

I look back at him. “Well… yeah of course.” I say as if it was obvious.

 

“You’re kidding?” Dean really looks kind of freaked out.

 

I shrug. “You have to lose your balls someday Dean.”

 

His jaw drops and his face turns a bright red. I have to work hard not to laugh at Dean’s abashed face.

 

He moves his lips trying to say something but nothing comes out. “What Dean?” I ask.

 

“Uh… um… never mind.” He says turning away from me and I smile.

 

“Shall we be getting me back to the hospital?” I ask him.

 

He nods absentmindedly, still in shock and embarrassed. I laugh a little before getting up.

 

The drive back is quiet but it is comfortable silence. We get into the hospital; listen to a scolding from the front desk, the woman saying Dean has one more chance or else he’s kicked out never able to return, and go into my room.

 

I walk up to my bed and grab the rose I got for him. “Here Dean. I wanted to give this to you yesterday when you dropped me off but…” I trail off.

 

Dean gives me a sad smile. “Thanks Cas.” He scuffs his feet on the floor. “I would stay but…”

 

“I understand.” I tell him.

 

“We’ll make it through this, promise.” He hugs me for a long time neither of us wanting to let go. I can feel the sting of tears but I refuse to let them fall. My heart feels like it has broken in two.

 

Lucifer walks in at that time. “Bad time?” He asks as he walks pass us.

 

Dean and I break apart and we both avoid eye contact. “Uh… no, no. Your timing is actually perfect. Do you want me to tell him or you?” He asks me.

 

“I’ll tell him.” I turn to Lucifer and explain what has happened.

 

“That fucking bastard. I’m going to kill him.” Lucifer rages.

 

“Hey watch it; this is still my father we’re talking about.” Dean warns.

 

“You sticking up for that bastard?” Lucifer asks angrily.

 

“No of course not but…” Dean doesn’t finish.

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Whatever.”

 

“Cas I better go. Don’t know when the next time my dad is going to check up on me.” He kisses me although it seems hesitant and turns to leave.

 

“Dean.” I call him back.

 

“Yeah?” He asks, turning around.

 

“I love you.” I say.

 

This sad look enters Dean’s face and it pains me to look at it. “I love you too Cas.” And then he leaves.

 

I sit on my bed when all of a sudden police officers barge into the room. I stand back up. “Castiel Novak?” One of the police officers asks me and Lucifer.

 

“T-that’s me.” I say, nervous.

 

“You’re under arrest.” The police officer says to my surprise and walks up to me holding out hand cuffs.

 

“What, what for?” I ask confused.

 

The guy turns me around and puts the handcuffs on me. “On the account of rape to a man named Dean Winchester.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What John says I don’t mean to insult or hurt anyone’s feelings. I definitely don’t feel the same way as he does in this (or else I wouldn’t be typing this story if I did). Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so to make this chapter as real as possible I did some research on teen sex laws and rape. I was surprised to find out that it is still considered rape if you have sex under the age of consent even if your partner is willing (it’s a good thing Castiel isn’t being charged with that then… although Kansas consent law is age 16 (as of 2012) so technically they are having intercourse legally.) Some of the information was hard to find and when I did find something it was really confusing on some things so I’m sorry if I get anything wrong. As far as I can tell you can go to jail from 2-11 years but under the age of 18 (as I understand) depending on what they did teens under 18 can only be held until their 21st birthday which mean Castiel can only be held for four years tops. Kansas Juvenile Correctional Complex East – male is a real place in Lawrence Kansas.

**Chapter 23:**

 

I start freaking. “W-wait a minute, th-there’s been a mistake. I-I didn’t rape him.”

 

“You have the right to remain silent.” The cop begins saying my rights. “Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed for you by the courts, do you understand these rights?”

 

“What? I’m a freaking teenager; of course I can’t afford an attorney. I don’t even have my own mother’s money.” I say, agitated.

 

“Young man, do you understand your rights?” The cop asks one more time.

 

“Yeah but…” They start dragging me away. “L-Lucifer help.”

 

“What do you want me to do?” Lucifer asks looking just as freaked as I am.

 

I think through my panic. “C-call Dean.” And the police whisk me away outside but Lucifer is following them.

 

“Cas? What’s going on?” A hear Dean’s voice. A crowd has formed outside and I look through it to find Dean struggling to get to the front.

 

“Dean!” I’m now struggling to get to him, trying to get away from the officer’s grip. “Dean, they’re saying I raped you. Help!”

 

“What?” Dean looks shocked. He pushes his way up to a cop holding the crowd back and tries to go by him when he gets pushed back by said cop. “Let me through please. That’s my boyfriend and I’m Dean Winchester, he didn’t rape me. Please.”

 

“Yeah right buddy, you’re not getting through.” The officer tells Dean, holding him back.

 

“Dean!” My voice comes out broken and pathetic but I can’t seem to care, not when I’m being put into a squad car. The officer slams the door shut hard and I flinch involuntarily. My breath is heavy as the panic rises.

 

“Cas!” I hear a muffled call of my name from Dean and I look out the window and see Lucifer trying to calm him.

 

I hear the front driver’s side door close and he drives off. “Are you bringing me to jail?”

 

“I’m bringing you down to the local detention center.” The officer answers me, looking through the rear view mirror. “You will then be transported to Kansas Juvenile Correctional Complex East for males where you’ll be questioned then assigned a cell awaiting for your trials.”

 

“Juvenile jail? But…” I’m not really sure what to say, no one will listen to me.

 

“I suggest you be quiet now, you don’t want any of this to be used against you.” The officer offers.

 

I look at him and I bite down on my bottom lip. “Can you tell me something first please?”

 

He looks back at me through the mirror again. “What?”

 

“How long could I be staying there and how long can I be convicted for?” I ask.

 

“Um… well length in the beginning depends on how many trials you need and if you’re found guilty, a juvenile like yourself, can only be held until they’re twenty one.” He says.

 

I sink into the seat. _That’s four years._ I think biting my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood to stop myself from crying.

 

“How long is it?” The officer asks me.

 

“Up to… four years.” I tell him.

 

“That’s not too bad.” He says just as I squeeze my eyes shut. “For adults it’s two to eleven years.” He pauses. “Although once you turn twenty one, if you’re there for that long, they’ll probably bring your case back up and have more trials to see if you should be now tried as an adult and serve more time.”

 

“How can I prove myself innocent?” I ask because knowing John he’ll keep Dean away except for when he has to testify and then he’ll find some way to get Dean to lie even under oath.

 

The cop looks at me again. “You have any evidence that you didn’t do it?”

 

I look down at my lap. “I don’t know. I mean I have Dean himself but…” I can’t finish what I’m saying. I can’t find my voice.

 

“We better stop talking now. My boss could have my job for this.” The cop says.

 

It doesn’t take us long to get to the detention center. The cop leads me in and there are a lot of people there waiting to be booked. I look around but soon look down from all the stares.

 

We get up to the front desk. “Name?” The woman sitting behind the counter and window asks.

 

“Castiel Novak.” I say into the speaker.

 

She flips through some papers. “You’re currently staying at a psychiatric hospital, taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills, and you’re up for adoption, yes?’ I nod. “Okay, transportation will be here shortly. Please change into these” She hands me an orange jumpsuit through the slit in the window.

 

The cop walks me over to a room to change and then to a room shaped like a box after I’m done. He lets me in. I hear someone wolf whistle at me and I go to the nearest corner. All the people in the individual rooms are male. One of them yells through the door to me and I try to ignore them.

 

“Well hello handsome.” The guy says. “I hope we’re in the same cell.” I turn my head away from the door. I can _hear_ the guy smirk. “You shouldn’t ignore someone like that, you might end up hurt. Lucky for you I’m a nice guy.” He pauses, waiting for a reaction then says, “For now.” The guy leaves me alone after that.

 

I let out a breath and look through the slit in the door. There are three or four cops standing there keeping guard and waiting for the transport.

 

Soon the bus arrives and we are herded on, ten of us shuffling on. All the people being put on the bus were under the age of eighteen and supposedly raped someone.

 

Some random person comes and sits next to me. “Hey.” I try to ignore this guy too but can’t help but see how tired this person looks. “He frowns at me. “I’m not like the others, I for one didn’t rape anyone, the person wanted the sex, and for two I won’t harass you.”

 

I glance at him. “I didn’t rape anyone either.”

 

“Yeah mine was a whore who ratted me out to her over protective father. Why I got with her in the first place is a mystery to me.” He says. “So was it an overprotective father or mother to their precious little daughter?”

 

I look to the floor. “More like a homophobic father who found out about mine and my boyfriend’s relationship.” I can already feel the sting of tears.

 

“Oh…” The guy looks straight ahead. “I’m sorry. That’s probably worse than mine.” Him talking about it isn’t making it any better and my bottom lip quivers. “Oh jeez, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset, I…” He starts. “Hey it’ll be okay.”

 

“I don’t think it will. My life has sucked so much so why would now be any different?” I start rambling. “I mean why am I allowed to be happy?” I ask sarcastically. “Just when things were getting better and I was finally becoming happy, it’s ripped, torn, from me. Why?” I squeeze my eyes shut again but no tears slip out. “Why is it me?”

 

“Hey dude look…” The guy next to me tries but can’t come up with anything.

 

_I want Dean. I just want Dean. Please Dean, please I need you._ I look up to the ceiling biting my lip again to stop the beginnings of crying and it seems to help. I go to looking out the window.

 

Then the guy next to me shifts uncomfortably but he doesn’t leave. “Williamson, names Elliot Williamson.”

 

“Castiel Novak.” I say quietly.

 

“Nice to meet you.” He says. “Maybe we’ll end up in the same cell. Kind of hope we do, I don’t like the looks of some of these guys.”

 

I turn to him. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

 

He looks shocked at my question. “Because you’re the only person here that looks like you _wouldn’t_ rape someone. Only nice guy here, figured I should befriend at least one person so we both can protect each other.”

 

“I’m not really strong.” I tell him.

 

“Good because I’m not either.” He smiles at me.

 

I blink at him “For someone going to jail you’re awfully happy.” I comment.

 

“Happy?” He asks in exaggerated shock. “Oh no. Trust me I am not happy.” His smile falters. “It’s just… you know I try to be optimistic.”

 

I tilt my head and furrow my brow. “What’s so optimistic about jail?”

 

“Well nothing really but it doesn’t hurt to be.” He clarifies. “Got any friends that’ll be helping you out of this situation?”

 

_Well isn’t he a peculiar person._ I think as I say my next statement. “I don’t have many. I only have three friends and one of them is my boyfriend.”

 

“Who you apparently assaulted.” He adds. “I thought my girlfriend was my friend but nah, not anymore. Other than her I don’t really have anyone else besides my brother.”

 

“You have a brother?” I ask.

 

“Yeah, quirky little kid but I love him you know? Smartest kid I know. He’ll save me from here.” He laughs. “He wants to be a lawyer when he grows up.”

 

“Yeah my boyfriend’s brother wants to go to law school once he goes to college.” I say with a smile.

 

“So your boyfriend has a brother but what about you?” He asks.

 

My smile fades. “Um… I did but he… um… died in a… car crash.”

 

Elliot’s smile also disappears. “Oh, sorry. Was he older or younger?”

 

“Older.” I answer.

 

He frowns. “Wow that sucks.” He then starts having a coughing fit.

 

“Are you okay?” I ask in concern.

 

He nods his head while still coughing and says once he is done, “Yeah I’m fine.”

 

The light seems to have faded from his eyes and I become more concerned. “Are you sure?”

 

He forces a smile. “I’ll tell you later if you meet me in the cafeteria during lunch.”

 

“Okay but you promise to tell me the truth?” I ask.

 

He chuckles. “I just barely met you and here I am promising to tell some stranger the truth about my life. Yeah I promise.”

 

Realization sinks in. “Oh… a… sorry. You don’t have to tell me.”

 

“Nah.” He smiles again but he looks like he’s in pain. “You’re nice to me, you deserve to know.”

 

“Like you said though, we’ve just met.” I say.

 

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” He says then looks down at his lap indicating the conversation is over.

 

It’s not that long after our conversation that we pull up to the jail. It doesn’t look like how I expected. The outside of the building is a white brick, it’s got the chain link fence with the barbed wire on top but other than that it doesn’t look like a prison.

 

As we walk single file down a walk way into the building, Elliot being behind me, there are a bunch of teenagers out in the courtyard.

 

Elliot is shorter than me by a few inches, probably two or three. He leans into my ear his light shade of short brown hair rubbing against my neck. “Your parents going to help you out of this?”

 

“No my dad died in the same car crash as my brother and my mother put me up for adoption not too long ago.” I whisper back.

 

“She put a teenager up for adoption?” He asks in a confused manner.

 

“It’s a long story, tell you later a guess.” I say.

 

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too personal.” He smiles at me and I smile back gratefully.

 

By some weird luck Elliot and I do end up getting the same cell. “So you want to tell me what that coughing fit was earlier?” I ask not really wanting to push the matter but also wanting to ease my nerves.

 

Elliot goes and sits on the bottom bunk not making eye contact. “I’m sick, Castiel, very sick.” He pauses and I feel my stomach do a flip. “I don’t have that much longer to live actually.” He makes a dry, humorless laugh. “I won’t be staying here long. Soon they’ll read my file more in depth and send me to the nearest hospital to spend the rest of my life in. I was actually supposed to go and stay at the hospital weeks ago and die there but… my family can’t afford that and besides, who wants to spend their last week’s alive in a hospital? Nah, I think I’ll pass.” He finally looks at me. “Going to jail is actually the best option I have because then the jail will pay for my hospital bills.”

 

“How long?” That’s the only thing I can think of saying.

 

“A few days, give or take, if the doctors got the date right.” Another pause and he looks away again. “My whole rape story is actually made up. There was no girlfriend with an overly protective father.” My mouth is hanging open. “Sorry I lied to you.”

 

“It’s fine.” I say quietly.

 

A cop comes and opens the cell’s door. “Castiel Novak, you’re wanted for questioning.” The cop puts the handcuffs on me and leads me to the interrogation room.

 

I follow the cop out of the cell looking briefly back at Elliot. _Maybe he won’t even be there by the time I’m back._ “I wonder as the cop leads me away.

 

We enter a closed off room with a two-way mirror. “This is sudden.” I mention.

 

“Well, because you reside in a psychiatric hospital and require medication, we would like to get this done as soon as possible.”

 

I roll my eyes with annoyance and the cop leaves. Someone else enters soon after. “Castiel Novak?”

 

I defiantly smirk at him, showing that ‘I’m fine and I don’t care what you do to me, I’m innocent’. “Hello, how are you today?”

 

The guy looks taken aback by my greeting and cheerfulness. He sits down apprehensively in the chair opposite me. “I’m… um… good, I suppose.”

 

“That’s good. I’m well, too, you know with being accused of raping my boyfriend when I didn’t. Life’s great.” I say in a smart ass tone.

 

The guy looks annoyed. “Okay that’s enough of your bull shit.”

 

“Bull shit! I didn’t fucking rape my boyfriend you inconsiderate dicks.” I yell at him trying to stand up but my right wrist is handcuffed to the table.

 

“Watch what you say to me boy, I’m the law.” He yells right back.

 

“Well the _‘law’_ is made up of dickless ass holes who don’t know their ass from their elbow and who is fucking telling the truth.” The guy stares at me. He then starts laughing. “What’s so damn funny?”

 

He catches his breath. “You’re the first person to ever yell at me at that magnitude.” He chuckles lightly to himself. “Names Jordan Calder.” I continue staring. “Okay you think you’re innocent tough guy? Tell me why?”

 

I think. “Because of my boyfriend’s homophobic father lying to the police that I raped his son when it was all willing.”

 

“So you have had intercourse with Mr. Dean Winchester?” He asks.

 

“Yes.” I pause. “Yes we have had sex and you know what I’m not going to hide from our relationship anymore. I’ve done enough hiding.”

 

He laughs again. “You’re very open aren’t you?”

 

“I’ve learned.” I state simply.

 

“You know it’s funny. Mr. Winchester, Dean, is out in the sign in lobby waiting to see you. Told him he can’t because it’s too early since you got here and that we haven’t questioned you yet but he insists on waiting.” Agent Calder tells me.

 

“Dean’s here?” I ask, perking up.

 

“Yep.” He nods.

 

“Can I see him?” I brighten up and ask hopefully.

 

Agent Calder seems thoughtful. “I don’t think so.”

 

I snap at him. “Why not?”

 

“I already said.” Agent Calder begins. “It’s too early since you got here and we haven’t questioned you fully.”

 

“Screw the questioning. I want to see my boyfriend.” My voice begins to rise again.

 

“It’s not that simple. You were accused of raping that young man.” Calder points to the door in indication to Dean.

 

“Please.” I beg, my voice coming out cracked. “I just need to see him.” I can feel my bottom lip quivering so I bite it.

 

Calder shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

 

I take a deep breath in trying to keep the tears away but I can feel the sting in my eyes. “Please, I’m begging you. He’s practically everything I’ve got. I only have two other friends and they can’t come because…” I can’t finish what I’m saying because a tear escapes my left eye. I quickly wipe it away. “Just for a little while. Please.”

 

Calder shakes his head again in thought. He presses his lips together. “I can’t. I could have my job if I did.” I sit back in the chair refusing to let anymore tears drop and to look at the Agent. We continue with the questioning but I hardly pay any attention, having to have him repeat a question more than once. “Okay that’ll be all the questions.” Calder gets up. “Bring him back… bring him to the visitors station, tell Dean Winchester he has twenty minutes.” Then he walks out.

 

The cop on guard unlocks my handcuffs and leads me away. He brings me to a room and prompts me to sit in one of the chairs. I’m sitting in between one of the many half walls with a glass also in between the walls and in front of me looking out into the other half of the room. There’s a phone on the wall to my right.

 

I see Dean walk up and sit across from me. I can’t keep my smile down as I see him. We both pick up the phone. “H-hey Cas.” Dean bites his bottom lip.

 

“Hello Dean.” I say back.

 

Dean looks my face up and down. “You okay?”

 

It takes a little while to come up with a response for that question. “As okay as I can be, I guess. Questioning didn’t go as bad as I thought except for them not believing me.”

 

Dean looks down then back up. “I can’t believe my Dad did this. I mean what is he thinking?” I give him a reassuring smile. “I’m not going to let him win Cas. I’m not… not going to let him separate us, break us apart. It’s not going to happen, no matter what. Okay?”

 

I nod. “That’s good. I was half afraid you were going to say we should break up so John will lay off.”

 

“Never.” He whispers into the phone. “I love you too much.” He whispers again but this time so quietly that I could barely hear him.

 

“I love you too Dean.” I say back. Dean chuckles. “What?” I ask curiously.

 

He continues chuckling for a few seconds before answering. “I’m dating a convict.” His words make me laugh. “I got you to laugh even in jail.”

 

I continue laughing. “That’s because you make me so happy Dean.” I laugh some more and Dean has a huge grin plastered to his face.

 

“I like seeing you laugh, especially since you laugh more and more now. It’s charming.” He tells.

 

“Charming?” I ask.

 

Dean gives a curt nod. “That’s right; Dean Winchester said charming to a guy.”

 

I shake my head still smiling. “Why do I love you?”

 

“I like to think it’s because of my perky nipples.” I burst out laughing again causing the guard to shush me. I cover my mouth with hysteric laughing. “Jeez Cas, I didn’t think it was that funny but hell I’m glad I got you laughing like that.”

 

I calm and stare into his eyes. After what seems like hours of just staring I ask, “So, what’s the plan?”

 

Dean answers. “Well once they give me a court date we’ll be all set for me to tell the truth.”

 

“John is going to be pissed.” I point out.

 

“Yeah I know. That’s why after the hearing I’m going to run away with you…” He pauses shortly watching my face contort into confusion. “I’m going to be your knight in shining armor. Grab your hand once they release you and take you away.”

 

“That’s not a permanent solution though is it?” I ask.

 

Dean shakes his head regretfully. “Unfortunately no, but I’ll come up with something, I promise. I’m not going to let my Dad take you away from me Cas. I’ll die first.”

 

I nod and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see the guard. “Times up.” He says bluntly.

 

I turn back to Dean. “I have to go.” Dean nods. “I love you Dean.”

 

“I love you too Cas.” He hesitates to hang up. “We’ll get through this, I’m sure of it.” I nod quickly then we both hang up. Both of us sit there waiting for one another to get up and leave, both of us not wanting to be the first, but the guard taps my shoulder again so I get up.

 

I place my hand on the glass and Dean places his where mine is. We linger as if we can actually feel each other then I remove my hand from the glass. I walk back to the door with the guard and turn around before going through. Dean is standing there looking sad and depleted along with a hint of desperation. I give him another reassuring smile except its small so it’s not very convincing. Dean gives me the same smile back though anyways and I turn and go through the door.

 

That’s the last time I see Dean until the trial weeks later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trial is what the next chapter pretty much consist of.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I have no idea how court works and I’m too lazy to look it up, this is in no way going to be accurate or real. I’m just making it the way I want it to play out whether realistic or not.
> 
> WARNING: There’s sex towards the end.

**Chapter 24:**

 

Once back at the cell, Elliot gets taken from the guards. We exchange a short goodbye and me telling him that I’m sorry.

 

“It’s all good Castiel, lived my life to the fullest while it lasted.” Those words make my heart ache and I watch him being guided away.

 

I go and sit on the bottom bunk. It’s hard and uncomfortable but it’ll have to do. _This is worse than the hospital._ I think to myself as I lie down, wanting sleep.

 

…

 

Two weeks pass before they can have my trial. Within those two weeks I tried my best to stick to myself and stay out of everyone’s business and way. I only had an incident twice.

 

The first was from that guy that wolf whistled to me at the detention center. I was eating at my own solitary table when he came up to me and pulled me up out of the seat by my arm. He pressed his chest to mine and leaned into my ear. “Hey big boy, how ya doin’?”

 

I couldn’t help myself. “I was doing fine until a big oaf like you came along.”

 

The guy looked angry and he pulled away from my ear. He growled in my face, “You think ya so smart, tough guy?”

 

“I’m certainly smarter than you. What’s your GPA? One?” I said which pissed the guy off more.

 

“What did ya jus’ say?” He asked.

 

“Oh wait, I bet your GPA isn’t even one.” I smirked at him. “It’s probably lower.”

 

He lifted his arm, hand folded into a tight fist, and was about to punch me when a guard came over and broke the fight up. He walked away angrily with the guard while I walked away with a different guard, very pleased with myself.

 

The next confrontation was a few days after that encounter. “Hey you, pretty boy.” I rolled my eyes and stood up, getting ready for our verbal attacks. “I haven’t seen ya in a while but now that I’ve found ya, it’s payback time.”

 

“Do we really have to do this right now? I’m really hungry today.” I asked, not backing down.

 

“I’m gonna make ya mine, pretty boy.” He clenched his teeth and jaw.

 

I smirked. “Now why would I want to be yours? Your too stupid and gross for me to like you. Not to mention big.”

 

“You puny little faggot.” _And there’s that word again._ I thought as I went to say something back but I felt a hand grab my throat just before the words could come out.

 

The guy pushed me to the ground and squeezed his hand that was gripping my neck, cutting off all oxygen. I gasped for breath but nothing would enter my burning lungs. I started to wither under the weight trying to free myself.

 

Next thing I knew the weight was pulled off me, hand leaving my neck, and another hand reached to me to make sure I was okay.

 

I coughed and spluttered on the ground, gulping in oxygen to relieve my lungs and brain from the lack of. The guard sent me to the nurse and after that I decided to stop acting like a tough guy and deal with whatever was dished my way, but nothing else ever happened.

 

Other than those two things, everything went according to plan. I took my pills as scheduled and was escorted to my meetings with Balthazar. They tried to get Balthazar to come to the jail but he would have none of it and told them to bring my ass to the hospital to him. Thinking of that always makes me laugh. _Good old Balthazar_

I met up with a lawyer and told him my story and we both, or more he, came up with a plan to get me out of this. Although my lawyer, whose name is Edon Westheimer, thinks Dean will come through for us but just in case he wants to bring Lucifer and Chuck in for the stand. He even wanted to bring Balthazar in but I refused, afraid that the judge would make Balthazar tell them all the things I have told him.

 

Now, the day I have been eagerly waiting for, comes to pass. The guard gives me a suit and I get into it then let him lead me to the car that will be driving me to the court room.

 

The drive is slow but I half blame it on my eagerness and half on the traffic. We aren’t late however and actually arrive a few minutes early. The wait is seems even longer than the drive but eventually they call me out.

 

I walk out into the room and there sits Dean, next to his father and their lawyer, at the table at the far side of the building. There aren’t many people there, my side consisting of Lucifer and Chuck, Dean’s side consisting of Sam, then the family friends Bobby, Ellen, and Jo, Ellen and Jo being people I haven’t seen in ages.

 

I smile at Lucifer and Chuck, noting how close they’re sitting together. They smile weakly back at me, sympathetic looks on their faces. I then smile at Dean, who has been eyeing me this whole time, and feel a pain in my chest at the tiny smile he gives back with a broken expression. John leans over to his son and whispers something in his ear. Something flashes in Dean’s eyes and he immediately looks away to my disappointment and insists on staring at the table situated in front of him.

 

I, too, look down and wait for the whole thing to start. We stand as the jury and then the female judge comes out and sits in their appointed seats. We then sit back down.

 

The judge does the introductions, asking whether I’m pleading guilty or not guilty and then it’s up to the lawyers to work their magic after I tell the judge ‘not guilty’, which earns me an eye roll from John.

 

Both the lawyers do their thing before calling people up to the stand. My lawyer calls up Lucifer first.

 

“So tell me, Lucifer right?” Lucifer nods. “How would you describe Castiel’s and Dean’s relationship?”

 

Lucifer leans into the microphone. “Well I would say they truly love each other and adore each other. They… care a lot about one another.” John rolls his eyes.

 

Mr. Westheimer continues. “And were you aware of any forceful behavior from Castiel?”

 

Lucifer shakes his head. “No not at all, if anything he was lacking in the force department.”

 

“So do you think someone like Castiel could forcefully assault a young man like Dean Winchester?” Mr. Westheimer asks.

 

“Objection.” Dean’s lawyer buts in. “That is a matter of opinion.”

 

“Sustained, Mr. Westheimer please ask another question.” The judge orders.

 

“Were you aware that Castiel and Dean were having intercourse?” He asks.

 

“Yes” Lucifer simply says.

 

“And did Dean ever act as if he didn’t want it or was forced to have it?” Mr. Westheimer asks.

 

“No.” Lucifer states. “In fact as far as I know, Dean’s the one who initiated it every time.” Another eye roll from John.

 

Mr. Westheimer looks at the judge briefly then to Lucifer. “No more questions.” He comes back and sits next me as Lucifer fidgets in his seat.

 

Dean’s lawyer is next to ask Lucifer questions. “You have known Castiel how long now?”

 

“I don’t know.” Lucifer answers.

 

The lawyer makes an ‘I don’t know’ gesture. “Estimate.”

 

“Maybe four, five, six months, round there.” Lucifer says.

 

“And in that time Castiel didn’t seem violent did he?” The lawyer keeps asking.

 

“Objection your Honor.” My lawyer stands up. “This isn’t about being violent to young Mr. Winchester this is about an assault case.”

 

“Over ruled Mr. Westheimer.” The judge objects the claim. “Assault is violence, you may continue Mr. Witzel.”

 

“Yeah but…” My lawyer again buts in. “he’s not talking about the kind of violence we’re talking about.”

 

“Be quiet and sit down Mr. Westheimer, Mr. Witzel may continue.” Mr. Westheimer sits back down. The judge urges Lucifer on. “Please continue.”

 

“Um…” Lucifer looks over at me and I nod to him to tell the truth. I don’t want him to lie under oath. “Yes he has punched Dean before but if it counts Dean punched Castiel before; too, actually he punched Castiel before Castiel punched Dean himself.”

 

“So Castiel could be capable of forcing this young man into having fornication.” Mr. Witzel more states than asks.

 

Lucifer answers anyway. “No that’s not what I mean.”

 

Mr. Witzel ignores Lucifer. “So what you’re saying is that Castiel is a violent person and is perfectly capable of raping Dean Winchester if he was not willing to have intercourse in the first place.”

 

“No wait-” Witzel cuts Lucifer off.

 

“No more questions your Honor.” He goes and sits back down.

 

Westheimer leans into my ear. “I’m not going to lie to you kid but so far this isn’t looking good.”

 

That worries me. “Do you have any more questions Mr. Westheimer?” The judge turns to us.

 

“No your Honor.” The judge nods to Lucifer to get up and take a seat.

 

It’s Witzel’s turn to call up someone to the stand. “I’d like to call up Mr. Castiel Novak.”

 

  1. I think as I stand with a reassuring nod from Westheimer. I walk up to the front, say the oath, and sit in the booth type chair.



 

“Castiel, mind if I call you Castiel?” Witzel asks me.

 

“No.” I say simply.

 

“Good.” He smiles at me. “How long would you say you’ve known Dean Winchester?”

 

I lean into the mic. “Since Preschool.”

 

“And you guys have been close ever since?” He inquires.

 

“Yes.” Mr. Witzel nods.

 

He pauses. “About that punch. Why did you do it?”

 

This is what I was afraid of. That unnecessary information would have to be told. “Because Dean wanted a break from our relationship and I got mad at him for it.”

 

“So you decide to rape him too?” He puts in.

 

“No I didn’t rape him.” I say quickly.

 

“Then…?” He pauses briefly. “Or never?”

 

“Never.” He doesn’t look convinced.

 

“Then why did you get so mad about him wanting a break? Mad because you could no longer have intercourse with him?” He pushes.

 

“Objection.” I hear my lawyer yell out. “Your Honor, he’s putting his own opinion into Mr. Novak’s mind.”

 

The judge looks thoughtful. “The second half of the question is sustained but the first is over ruled. Mr. Novak please answer the first part of that question.”

 

“I…” I think. “I got mad because… I love him too much to be apart from him and certainly love him too much to hurt him.”

 

Mr. Witzel seems to give up. “No more questions.”

 

Westheimer steps up. “Castiel, you have known Dean for a really long time and have formed a bond right?”

 

“Yes.” I answer.

 

“How long have you known that you love Dean?” He asks.

 

“A few years.” I look down then back up. “Couldn’t tell you an actual date.”

 

He continues. “How long have you and Dean been dating?”

 

I have to think but I can’t come up with actual numbers. “A few months. We started some time before Christmas but in the month of December.”

 

“So you can say that you have dated for a long time up until now.” He pauses and looks toward the jury then to me. “If Dean didn’t want intercourse but you forced him, would he continue staying?”

 

“Objection your Honor.” By now I’m tired of hearing that word. “He can’t answer for someone else.”

 

“Sustained.” Judge claims.

 

“No more questions.” Westheimer states.

 

I get down from the ‘pedestal’ after Witzel says he doesn’t have any more questions for me and go back to my seat. My lawyer calls Chuck up next. “Hello Chuck.” I already like how warm welcoming Mr. Westheimer is being towards the obviously scared man.

 

“H-hi.” Chuck says quietly even though he says it in the mic.

 

“Have you known Castiel almost as long as Lucifer?” Westheimer asks.

 

Chuck leans into the microphone. “Yes.”

 

“I’ll ask the same question I asked Lucifer.” Westheimer pauses letting Chuck have time to understand. “How would you describe Castiel and Dean’s relationship?”

 

“Um…” He seems extremely nervous. “A-adorable.” He pauses. “C-cute a-a-and loving. They r-really do love each o-other.”

 

Westheimer smiles. “And were you aware of any forceful behavior from Castiel?”

 

“N-n-no not at all. He is the most caring and-and loving of the two. He would never force Dean into something he didn’t want.” Chuck answers quickly.

 

Westheimer smiles again. “That’ll be all, no more questions.”

 

Witzel speaks up. “I have no questions for him your Honor.”

 

“Very well.” She inclines her head to Chuck’s seat. “You may take your seat. Mr. Witzel is there anyone else you would like to call up?”

 

“Yes your Honor.” Witzel stands up and goes to the front. “I’d like to call up Mr. Dean Winchester to the stand.” _Here goes nothing._ I think as my nerves decide to spike. Dean gets up, shoots me a half smile for reassurance, and sits in the appropriate place.

 

“I’m just going to come out and simply ask…” Witzel starts. “Did Castiel Novak rape you?”

 

There’s a long silence with Dean staring at me. Then he looks over at John and _smirks_. “No he didn’t.” There’s a gasp from the jury, judge, Witzel, and from Ellen and Jo. Bobby and Sam of course knew the truth already. John stands up in anger but promptly sits down when the judge gives him a look.

 

Mr. Witzel looks confused. I’m guessing when they went over things Dean said he’d say yes to that question. “Then why…” Witzel is lost for words.

 

Dean knows what he is trying to say however and answers. “Because my father…” He continues looking at John. “can’t handle his son being gay. So he decided to make up some story about my boyfriend who I love more than anything in this world besides my baby brother…” Sam rolls his eyes. “and my car.” I roll my eyes next. “Okay maybe I love him more than my car but I certainly love him just as much as my younger brother and all the sex was all willing. I didn’t refuse it and tell him no and he didn’t continue. In fact the one time I told him no, that I wasn’t ready to make love to a guy, he stopped. Even though he wanted to he stopped for me and I appreciate that every single day of my life. I’m so happy and glad and-and thankful to have someone like him be my boyfriend. So if Castiel deserves to be put in jail…” I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion and tilt my head. “then he should go to jail because he loves me too much and I should be there right beside him because I love him so much.” He turns to the jury and my face softens. “Please don’t take him away from me.”

 

Everybody in the room is stunned out of talking.

 

The judge looks at John. “Is that true?”

 

“Of course not.” John defends himself.

 

“I think we’ll let the jury come up with a conclusion now.” The judge motions for Dean and Mr. Witzel to sit.

 

We take a break for a half hour before we are called for order. “The jury has come to a conclusion. They find Castiel Novak…” I hold my breath. “Not guilty.”

 

Lucifer, Chuck, Sam, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and even Mr. Westheimer all jump up and shout for joy. They all come and crowd around me giving me congratulations. Dean pushes to the front, practically jumps on me wrapping his arms around my neck and crashes his lips onto mine. To everyone else it probably looked really girly but who the hell cares? I won and I still have Dean, and we’re making out in front of his father… his father… John… John Winchester… the guy who is going to kill me.

 

I pull away. “Now what?” I ask looking to John’s outraged face.

 

Dean leans in. “Follow me.” He whispers,

 

He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the crowd that is now talking amongst each other. “Am I just allowed to leave like this?”

 

Dean looks back at me. “Who knows?” and he continues walking.

 

I glance behind me and catch John’s eyes. I flinch at the hostility in his eyes, blue fire burning in them.

 

I allow myself to be dragged to the Impala. Dean ushers me into the passenger seat and gets in on the driver’s side. He starts the engine and drives away.

 

We drive for a long time and before we reach Dean’s destination, it’s completely dark… not that it was early when we left but still, it was long and I somehow ended up falling asleep to the rhythmic sound of the engine and tires on the road.

 

“Hey Cas wake up.” Dean’s whisper enters my dream and I sit up, rubbing my eyes to rid the sleepiness.

 

I look around. “Where are we?”

 

“A special place.” Dean gets out and I get out, too. “A lake.”

 

“What are we going to do, go skinny dipping?” I joke.

 

“It’s a thought.” He says, coming closer.

 

I smile and huff a laugh. “I’m not going skinny dipping Dean.”

 

“Awe, why not? It’ll be fun.” Dean whines.

 

“Because it’s freezing out.” I point out.

 

He comes up to me and embraces me. “We’ll keep each other warm.”

 

“No Dean.” I say again.

 

“Fine.” Dean pouts but can’t keep the act up for long. “I was joking anyways.” He smiles at me. “I do know a better way of keeping each other warm though.”

 

“Oh yeah and how’s that?” I inquire.

 

“Come on.” He climbs on top of the Impala’s hood. He opens his arms to me and I join him on the hood, snuggling up in his arms. “Watch the stars with me.”

 

I lie on my back just like Dean is doing but turn my head towards him. “Why are you doing this Dean?” He turns to me and gives me a weak smile. He then turns back to looking up at the sky. I sense there is something wrong. “Dean your starting to scare me.”

 

He turns back to me and he looks terribly sad. “I don’t know what were going to do Cas.”

 

“About…” I push.

 

“My dad idiot.” He playfully says but I can hear the underlying worry.

 

We just stare for what seems like hours. “I thought you were going to come with a plan.” I don’t ask it but state it.

 

“I tried Cas.” He falls silent and I let him take his time to continue. “I couldn’t come up with anything. That’s why I wanted to bring you here, I don’t know how many more times like this we’re going to get.”

 

“You make it sound like you’re giving up.” I state. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t deny it or agree to it and just leaves me confused and scared, but I don’t push, seeing how much Dean is on the edge. I look back up to the sky. “Someday, I’m going to travel to all those stars.”

 

I get Dean to huff a laugh. “How are you planning on doing that?”

 

“I’ll invent a traveling machine.” I look to him again. “All you would have to do is type in coordinates to whatever star you want to visit…” I lift my arm and point to a random star. “and hit a big red button and off you go.”

 

“And you’d leave me behind?” Dean asks already knowing the answer.

 

“Oh no.” I shake my head. “I need someone to man the red button.”

 

“Is that all I’m good for?” He asks playfully.

 

“Oh yeah that and sex.” I receive a laugh in return. I love hearing Dean laugh. He has the cutest, most adorable laugh in the entire universe.

 

“Wow thanks Cas, I feel so loved.” He kisses my forehead and I chuckle.

 

“Okay what would you do if I brought you with me?” I pry.

 

Dean finally looks at me with a smirk. “Oh I would do a lot things and anti-gravity, whole new level.”

 

I chuckle again. “I can imagine some interesting things we could do without gravity.”

 

“Hey get your mind out of the gutter.” Dean smirks some more.

 

I look to the sky once again. “They are pretty aren’t they, though?”

 

Dean looks up, too. “Yeah.”

 

We lie there in silence, cuddled up next to each other, keeping one another warm but soon Dean gets up. I sit up too wondering what he is doing. “Dean?” I say his name in question.

 

He walks over to the driver’s side of the Impala, digs through it, then pops in a tape in the stereo. He fast forwards through some songs and stops on the one he was looking for. He then turns up the volume and a smile creeps onto my face as I hear the beat. “Led Zeppelin, The Rain Song.” He answers my questioning look as he comes back over to me. He holds out his hands towards me. “Dance with me?”

 

My smile grows and I nod my head, taking his hand in mine. He pulls me up and I ask at the same time, “Isn’t this a little too chick-flicky for you?”

 

“Not when it come to you.” He wraps his arms around my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck. Dean pulls me closer and I lower my arms so they’re around his shoulders, placing my hands on the back of his neck. I rest my chin against the top of his shoulder, enjoying the warmth pooling from Dean as we sway back and forth ever so slightly.

 

Dean leans the side of his head on the top of my own head and sighs, squeezing me a little bit. “You know…” He begins. “Led Zeppelin has two of my favorite songs.”

 

“Hmm.” I hum in response, listening to the music.

 

Dean chuckles. “You’re not listening are you?”

 

“No I am.” I correct. “I’m just… enjoying this moment.”

 

Dean huffs. “Me too.”

 

We continue to slowly sway from side to side until the song ends, me closely drawn to Dean’s body and Dean’s arm wrapped tightly around me.

 

After the music finishes we go back to lying on the hood of the Impala. We lie there for what seems like hours before I have to ask. “Dean?”

 

“Mmmm?” He hums.

 

“What are we going to do?” I almost dread asking but not sure what else to do.

 

Dean remains silent for a long period of time. “I don’t know Cas.” He whispers, not meeting my eyes. “Tell you the truth, I’m scared. I’m so damn scared Cas that my father is… that he’s going to manage to…” I remain silent and patient as I know it’s hard for Dean to talk about his feelings. “I’m terrified of what my dad is going to do next to separate us and I’m scared that the next time he’s going to manage to break us apart and I can’t…” He bites his quivering bottom lip and doesn’t continue as a tear slips down his cheek.

 

I move closer to him. “It’s okay Dean. No matter what he does he’s not ever going to manage to separate us because we’ll always fight for our love and eventually he’s going to just have to deal with it.” I wipe the tear away.

 

“Damn I sound like fucking girl.” He croaks out.

 

I kiss the corner of his eye, then his cheek, moving onto the corner of his mouth, and finally kissing his mouth fully. It’s not open mouthed and I don’t try to make it but I do linger on his lips for a few seconds before separating our lips. I look into his eyes and have to keep back from showing my own pain from seeing all the agony in those green abysses.

 

“Don’t tell anyone about this okay?” He asks his voice returning back to somewhat normal. I nod and we are engulfed in silence again. Soon however Dean speaks up. “Have sex with me Cas?”

 

“What?” I ask in surprise from the suddenness.

 

“I’m already acting like a girl so why not ‘lose my balls’ while I’m at it?” He quotes me and it makes me smile slightly.

 

“Dean I’m not going to take advantage of you in this state.” I tell him.

 

He turns to look at me. “Please Cas? I just want…” I can tell that he’s trying to hold back more tears. “I want to feel it before…” I know he’s not going to be finishing that sentence so I kiss him.

 

“Are you sure?” He nods. “Out in the open like this?”

 

Dean shakes his head. “No in the back of the Impala.”

 

I look at him, a pain shooting through my heart at the sight in front of me. “Dean I don’t know…”

 

“Cas please? I’m not… I’m not going to force you into it or anything, we just got out of trying to beat that, but please, for me, before my dad…” Again he’s not going to finish so I nod and get off the hood.

 

Both Dean and I make our way to the back of the Impala, Dean opening the door and climbing in first then me. We sit there kind of awkwardly for a short amount of time before Dean’s lips crash into mine.

 

It’s sloppy at first since it takes me by surprise but soon becomes more natural and controlled.

 

I slip my tongue into Dean’s mouth, savoring the taste and moan Dean elicits. We make out for minutes just enjoying each other before I start taking his shirt off.

 

I actually have to start with the suit jacket and then the button up white shirt and a white t-shirt under that. Dean does the same thing and takes no time running his cold, calloused hands down my chest.

 

I kiss his neck and nip at it but don’t leave a mark, afraid of what John would do if he saw it. I move to kissing his collar then his toned chest all the way to the hard nipple. I suck and nip at both of them until they’re red and I’m sure they’re sore.

 

“Cas.” Dean breaths out, already starting to become breathless.

 

I can already start to feel my own breath coming in gasps and my dick starting to harden in desire.

 

I sit back up and whisper in Dean’s ear, “I’m going to do to you what I said on the phone that day.” Dean lets out a long moan and I move down to is stomach, pushing him onto his back along the way, and start circling my tongue around his bellybutton.

 

I swirl my tongue around, loving the sound Dean is making, feeling his hard dick press against my chest. I enter my tongue into the shallow hole and make sure it is nice and wet.

 

I continue down until I reach the dress pants. I take the button in my mouth and use my tongue to unhook it. Then I use my tongue again to unfasten it and pull the zipper into my mouth, biting down and unzipping his pants with my teeth.

 

“Cas… you’re so hot.” Dean moans out, squirming under me.

 

I lick a line across his hips, making sure my tongue is partly under his pants. I feel Dean shiver with the action and he bucks upward trying to get friction but finding none because of me arching off him. “Uh, uh, uh, patience Dean.”

 

He hums a response and I continue, grabbing and pulling his pants down. I admire the bulge in his boxers before kissing his thighs through the thin fabric. I continue down causing Dean to shiver when I kiss his knees and every one of his toes, individually.

 

I make my way up but still ignore his aching cock, kissing his stomach again and then his lips.

 

He pulls away from my lips and looks desperately into my eyes. “Cas… please.”

 

I smirk at him and move down again except this time I don’t touch him. I sit up, his legs on either side of me, and just stare at him.

 

“Cas what are… you doing?” He barley manages to say it, it coming out almost unrecognizable words.

 

I just scrunch up my brows and tilt my head, giving Dean a piece of my puppy dog look.

 

Dean’s breath hitches, shuts his eyes tightly, and then next thing I know there is a wet spot forming on his boxers and Dean moaning very loudly.

 

I smirk with satisfaction and lean down to capture his lips, Dean breathing hard. “That wasn’t fair you know.” He breaths.

 

“Mmm.” I hum

 

“I still want… you inside me, Cas.” He says enjoying my sucking on his neck once more.

 

I stop to answer. “I know, that’s why I need to turn you on again.” With those words I can already feel Dean’s dick give an interested twitch. “How about we get those wet, uncomfortable boxers off.” I reach down and pull them off and Dean whimpers from the cold hitting the now sensitive flesh. Dean is still pretty soft so I try my luck with word play. “I got you off just by my look Dean, now how would you like it if I got you off by sucking your big cock? Then a third time when I shove my own big cock up your ass? Would you like that Dean?”

 

I love the effect my words have on Dean. He moans softly with pleasure, little Dean springing half way up.

 

I grab him to coax him to full hardness and it actually doesn’t take that long. Abandoning his dick, I tease his balls with my fingers. Dean moans and whimpers from the sensation of me squeezing and playing with his sack. He sits up and goes to grab between my own legs but I let go of him and slap his hand away.

 

I roughly push him back down. “No touching.” I sternly order.

 

He stares up at me with wide eyes, breath coming in gasps. “Wow I’ve never… seen you this dominant before.”

 

I lean into his ear. “You know you love it.” I lick his ear making Dean shiver again. I then shove my still clothed thigh in between Dean’s legs, letting him roll against me with a moan. I only allow him to do this for a few seconds then I remove my thigh from his groin and reach between his legs. “You never answered me Dean…” I begin too lightly stroking him. “Do you want me to make you cum by sucking you and then one more time with me up your ass?”

 

He moans and tries to catch his breath. “Y-yes, please.”

 

“Very good.” With my free hand I pat Dean’s hair, almost like a pet. “You’re a very good boy Dean.” I remove my hand and once again kiss down his chest. _I am so lucky I haven’t exploded already._ I think as I feel my painful erection.

 

I make my way down to his hips, kissing the skin between his dick and the bone of his hip. “Cas please…”

 

“Beg me more Dean.” I lick the skin again, now waiting for Dean to plead me.

 

“Please…” His voice is strangled and desperate. “Cas I’m begging you.”

 

I smirk and take the tip of his dick in my mouth and suck, rubbing my tongue around the head and slit. Dean gasps in a breath and another breath as I go down on him, taking him in fully. I gag a little at first but I soon can take it.

 

“C-Cas please… n-now, j-just… please.” I smirk and come off him.

 

“I was looking forward to seeing you come undone three times but if you insist Dean. After all this is going to be your first.” Dean is breathing so hard that the thought of him dying from lack of oxygen crosses my mind. I remove my pants and boxers. “Do you have any… lubrication?”

 

Dean chuckles and shakes his head at my choice of word. “In the glove department.”

 

I sit back up and reach to the front. While reaching for the lubrication I see some condoms in there too. I grab the bottle and return to looking at Dean. “You know we’ve never used a condom before.”

 

Dean glances at the open glove department. “Oh yeah we haven’t.” He thinks before continuing. “Well then it’s a good thing you were a virgin and I always wore a condom with females so no diseases to spread.”

 

I roll my eyes. “Could possibly still happen.”

 

Dean rolls his eyes next, squirming in the seat. “Then it’s a good thing I don’t have any disease. Even if I did, I would ‘a’ tell you first, and ‘b’ it’s too late now.”

 

“I know I was just stating a fact.” I squeeze the jell type lubricant onto my hand. “You ready?” I ask as I position my index finger at his hole. Dean nods and I push slowly in.

 

Dean hisses but soon says after, “That’s not too bad. Feels weird but not too bad.”

 

I smile. “It gets better.” I add a second finger as I pull out the third time and Dean squirms and lets out a groan. After doing that several times I pull out and position myself after rubbing lubricant on myself. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah.” He nods but I feel as if there is something underlying in those words.

 

“You sure about this now?” I want clarification.

 

“Yes Cas, come on.” He says with a pleading look.

 

“Okay.” I say skeptically.

 

I push in slowly Dean letting out a hiss and his eyes tightly shut. “Holy shit Cas, that fucking hurts.”

 

I stop. “I’m sorry Dean but I promise it gets better.”

 

He cracks his eyes open. “I trust you.”

 

I lean down and kiss him. “I love you Dean.” I whisper against his lips.

 

“I-I love you too Cas, forever and always.” He sounds sad and I pull away to look at him but all I can see is his reassuring smile.

 

I begin to move again, sheathing myself all the way in. I wait for Dean to roll his hip and move slowly once he does.

 

It’s tight and hot and feels fantastic. After going slow for awhile I begin to pick up the pace. My breathing is pretty much all I can hear and I lean down to kiss Dean’s lips but pull away when I feel Dean’s bottom lip quiver and a pained whimper comes from them. I look him in the eyes to see the white around his green irises blood shot and shiny.

 

Dean is crying.

 

“Dean what’s wrong?” I stop all movement and ask in concern. “Dean, am I hurting you? Do you want me to stop?” He brings his hand up to his mouth, covering it, and shakes his head. He makes another pained whimper. “Dean then what’s wrong?” I ask softly.

 

“I…” He swallows hard. “I… don’t want to lose you.” He begins to cry again.

 

“Oh Dean, shh. It’s going to be okay.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders. I hold him as he shudders in my arms from the force of crying, hiccups coming from him. “It’s going to be just fine I promise okay, you’re not going to lose me.”

 

“I can’t live without… you Cas. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t…” Dean cries.

 

“I’m not going to leave you Dean.” I sooth. “I’m never going to leave you.”

 

I hold him for a few more minutes until Dean speaks again. “Please keep going Cas.”

 

I look into his eyes. “Dean I think maybe we should stop.”

 

“Please.” He barley gets out as another tear slips down his cheek. I nod and begin to move again slowly.

 

Soon Dean stops his crying and I’m moving faster and faster. Dean wraps his sweaty arms around the back of my sweat soaked neck with a tight grip, his arms flattening my already sweat flattened hair even more. I breath out through gasping breaths. I bite the tip of his ear then suck on the lobe, generating a deep moan from the man beneath me.

 

Our sweat is mingling, mixing, coalescing together as I become faster and faster with every thrust. “Cas… yes… harder… please.”

 

I love hearing Dean beg, plead, crave for more. I want to make him feel as good as possible, Dean using his grip around my neck to squash our bodies together the best he can.

 

“Dean…” I can’t stop the moan from escaping my lips, the feeling of being inside Dean overwhelming.

 

“Cas!” Dean cums from me hitting his prostate a few times. “Oh Cas… yes… fuck…”

 

I feel Dean tighten around me causing me to reach my own climax with a shudder, my orgasm ripping through my drenched body. “Dean… so good… oh my… fuck Dean.”

 

I collapse onto Dean, my neck still in the death lock and my forehead stuck to his shoulder. We both lie on each other trying to catch our breaths. I feel the cold of winter creeping in, cooling the sweat on our bodies and Dean’s essence on both our stomachs.

 

His lips are next to my ear and his breath is warm against it. “Dean, you’re going to break my neck.”

 

“Sorry.” He lets go, our skin sticking together from the sticky perspiration. I roll off him as much as I can but I’m still mostly on him, pulling out gently at the same time and I shiver from the cold while Dean shivers from the feeling of me exiting his body. “There’s a blanket in the front seat.”

 

Taking that as a hint I sit up and grab the thin but soft, brown blanket and wrap it around us, snuggling up as close to Dean as possible, and trying to stay warm now that our bodies are cooling.

 

“Hey Cas?” Dean speaks up in the silence.

 

My head is on his chest so I incline it to look at him. “Yeah?”

 

“Don’t ever tell someone that I cried in the middle of having sex, okay?” He’s staring at the ceiling.

 

I chuckle quietly. “I won’t Dean.”

 

“Jeez…” He goes to say. “I’ve become such a girl lately.”

 

“Is that all you have to say about the sex?” Dean chuckles against my lips as I kiss him.

 

“No Cas…” He says matter of factly. “It was surprisingly very good. I think I like that position more than being on top.”

 

“Me too, so for now on we’re going to have to take turns.” I kiss his lips again, deepening it slightly.

 

Dean kisses me back, moans, and he then pulls away. “Like right now?” He flips us over so he’s on top.

 

“You’re horny again already?” He doesn’t answer and just dives for my lips.

 

After another blissful moment, we collapse onto each other, breathing heavily. “That… was good too.” Dean says in the cool air.

 

I chuckle as Dean rests his head on my chest. Silence passes through the car for minutes before I speak up. “You’re not a girl in my eyes.” Silence. “You know…” I look at him. “if you think about it, we’re kind of like Romeo and Juliet.”

 

“Romeo and Juliet?” Dean asks in confusion.

 

“Yeah, forbidden to love each other, Romeo and Juliet, star crossed lovers, destined to die. If one of us dies, then the other dies.” I clarify.

 

It takes awhile for what I said to sink into Dean. “Well… that’s… nice Cas.”

 

“I’m serious Dean.” I look him straight in the eyes. “If you die, I’ll certainly will die… I die, you die.”

 

He stares at me for a long time then talks. “You really think we are destined to die?” I shrug. “Well way to be optimistic. Tell me, whose Juliet?”

 

I smile. “We both are at times. Like right now, you’re Juliet and I’m Romeo but at the beginning of our relationship you were Romeo and I was Juliet.”

 

He stares at me more and then starts cracking up. “Good point.” He kisses the top of my head but continues laughing. “We are a bunch of girls.”

 

I chuckle as I watch him laughing away, not able to stop. He finally manages to calm himself after some struggling. “You’re so cute.” I complement. That makes him chuckle and kiss me again. He then yawns. “Why don’t you take a nap, Dean.”

 

“Naked like this?” He asks. “In the cold?”

 

“I’ll keep you warm.” I answer as I kiss his closed eye.

 

“M’ kay.” He mumbles out already losing against sleep.

 

I kiss his forehead as his breathing evens and I finally, too, close my eyes.

 

…

 

I feel movement in my sleep and I hear shuffling. Then, I feel someone prod my side and whisper my name. “Let me sleep a little longer Dean.” I mutter, slapping the hand away.

 

“Cas, you need to wake up. I’ve…” Dean falters. “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

 

“Please Dean…” I whine. “No surprises.”

 

“Just this once.” I feel lips press to my exposed ear in a kiss.

 

I grumble but sit up, saying along the way, “What’s this surprise that can’t wait ten-” I cut myself off as I stare down the barrel of a two barrel rifle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25:**

 

For a minute, my mind goes completely blank until a gruff voiced man speaks, and to my dismay I know that voice. “You’re in a lot of trouble now boy.”

 

I lean to the side to see Dean standing behind the guy with the rifle pointed at me. He looks worried and scared. I then lean back and look up with my eyes and seeing that who I thought it was, is true. John Winchester stands in the door of the Impala, holding his double barrel rifle up to my head, right between the eyes.

 

He looks rabid. “Get out of the car and get dressed boy. You and I are going to have ourselves a little walk.”

 

I don’t like the sound of those words. _Walk, walk where?_ The words he speaks sound menacing and beastly. I’m so deep in thought that I don’t move.

 

“Cas do what he says.” I hear Dean say from behind the guy.

 

I nod quickly, still looking in John’s cold eyes. I crawl out of the Impala, gun still pointed at me, and get dressed. Once I’m fully dress John walks around me and pushes the barrels of the rifle against my back and for a second I think he’s going to shoot me right there and then. “Walk.”

 

I begin to walk forward, my breath becoming more uneven with uneasiness, anxiety, and pure fear. This is the first time I notice that surrounding the lake, are pine trees stretching high into the night sky as if trying to touch the moon. I wish I could touch the moon.

 

Dean comes up beside me after we walk a few paces. “Don’t worry everything will be fine, I’ll handle this and protect you.”

 

“Step away from him Dean or I’ll put a bullet in his back right now.” John says from behind us causing a chill to snake up my spine. Dean nods quickly and goes to stand next to his father.

 

We’re walking further and further into the woods and I squeeze my eyes shut trying to calm down. I open them again when I almost trip over a root.

 

“Dad…” Dean begins. “Can’t you… maybe… stop pointing the gun at him. You’re scaring him to death, scaring me.”

 

“No.” John says flatly and pushes the gun into my back.

 

“Mr. Winchester please list-” He cuts me off.

 

“Shut up and keep moving.” He yells.

 

By now the cold has gotten to me and I’m shivering, although I’m pretty sure half of it has to do with being held at gun point. I’m gasping for breath, the air coming out of my mouth forming white puffs, and I wonder if my anti-anxiety pill has worn off. _Although could it even fight off this high amount of anxiety?_ I highly doubt it.

 

“Stop.” We’re deep in the woods now, trees surrounding all sides of us. “Go stand over there Dean.

 

I see Dean walk over to a tree that is in front of me but a little to my right. I watch him move with my eyes, just enough moon light coming through the branches of the trees to see his face. He looks terrified and this is the first time I’ve ever seen him so scared.

 

“Dad…” Dean speaks softly as to not upset his father. “Listen… you don’t… you don’t want to do this.”

 

I can’t see John’s face because I still have my back towards him with a gun pressing into my spine but I’m sure there’s a smirk on his face. “Oh but I do. If the only way to keep my son away from this filth is to exterminate it, then so be it.” I hear the click of the rifle.

 

“W-w-wait, wait, please wait.” Dean’s voice is frantic. “Don’t do this. Don’t take him away from me.”

 

“I have to Dean.” I hear the gun as John gets ready to force a bullet into my skin and muscles.

 

“No.” Dean says quickly. “Just answer me something, just one thing. Why? Why can’t you accept us?”

 

I hear John sigh and I look at Dean and see my fear reflecting off him. “Because it’s wrong, men are not supposed to be with men and women are not supposed to be with women. Men are supposed to be with women and women are supposed to be with men.”

 

“Then why do human beings fall in love with the same sex?” Dean asks. “Why is it even possible?”

 

John takes such a long pause that I almost think he’s not going to answer. “Because they’re corrupted by demons, including you. This young man here…” I know he’s talking about me. “is a demon.”

 

“A demon?” Dean asks, astonished. “You have got to be kidding? You serious? Cas isn’t a demon Dad and I didn’t get corrupt from him.”

 

“You obviously need to be cleansed.” John bluntly says.

 

I see the confusion contort Dean’s features. “Cleansed? What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“I wonder what gene you got this from? No one in the family has this _disease_.” John says, shoving the rifle even more into my back.

 

“Disease?” Dean looks like he is going to burst with anger. “Disease? Stop your fucking talking as if being gay is-is disgusting and a fucking disease, you thick headed, stupid son of a bitch.” He’s yelling now. “It’s not a disease, it’s not disgusting, it’s certainly not from a fucking demon, and most importantly your son is gay so grow the hell up and fucking deal with it.”

 

“Not. My. Son.” John says each word separately as if trying to make a point.

 

“What are you…” Dean begins to ask. “angry because I won’t be having kids of my own and continue the Winchester family line, because I won’t have a wife, two kids, and a white picket fence?” He rolls his eyes that are just barely seen in the little moonlight. “Are you that far back in the days Dad?”

 

“You _should_ be continuing the Winchester name.” He snaps at Dean.

 

Dean looks angrier and angrier. “You still have Sammy Dad. He can have children and there you go, all of us are happy. I’m with the person I want to be with and you get grandchildren.”

 

I can feel John tense up behind me. “I should have grandchildren from my first born, too, not just the second born and what if Sam was born a girl. Then the Winchester name would be lost with you once you die. What if Sam decided to turn into a fag too? Then I’d have no grandchildren at all.”

 

Dean’s face contorts into confusion. “What?” He shakes his head to clear it. “Even if Sam is… _gay_ … then who the fuck cares as long as you raised two perfectly healthy young boys?”

 

“You’re not healthy if you’re a queer Dean.” John shoots his words back. “You’re a disappointment, _that’s_ what you are and apparently sometime along the way I fucked up in raising you.”

 

“You sound like Cas’ mother.” Dean says quietly, no longer looking at John but looking down at the ground.

 

“At least I raised Sammy right but somehow you… you just got fucked up.” John says harshly.

 

“I don’t even know why I call you my father.” He looks back up at John. “Cas isn’t the disgusting one here, it’s you.” A smirk forms on his lips and he shakes his head from side to side. “You’ve gone so low as to be willing to murder.” The smirk disappears instantly. “You’re despicable.”

 

“You like this, Dean, I can’t even call you my son.” John says calmly. “You’re acting as if your life revolves around this filth, this scum…” He nudges me with the gun. “as if you love him so much that you want to marry him. Do you even realize how gross that is?”

 

Dean tightens his lips into a straight line in thought. “No, sorry Dad, can’t seem to figure out what’s so disgusting.”

 

“Tell me Dean…” He pauses to gather his thoughts. “Did you like taking it up the ass like a fucking girl?”

 

“How did you…” Dean trails off in confusion and I’m wondering the same thing. Goose bumps arise along my arms with how creepy the situation, surprisingly, has turned.

 

“I showed up when you two were in the middle of…” He doesn’t finish his sentence and instead says, “You two are lucky I didn’t stop you immediately. Instead I turned and left to come back later and see you two sleeping in the back of the fucking Impala wrapped in a damn blanket.”

 

That creeps me out the most, knowing that John had seen us ‘doing the deed’.

 

Dean opens his mouth but nothing comes out at first but eventually he’s able to say, “I can’t believe you just saw us having sex.” He bites his bottom lip.

 

“I didn’t stay long enough to get a lot of detail.” John sounds disgusted. “I thought Castiel wanted to die anyways, so what’s the big deal?”

 

“You’re not serious?” Dean says before I can say anything. “First off, he didn’t want to die like this, he wanted to die by his own hands, not by getting shot by some homophobic prick that can’t get over himself, and secondly… he doesn’t want to die anymore Dad.” He yells the last part.

 

“What is he still doing in a psychiatric hospital then?” John inquires.

 

“I…” Dean doesn’t know how to answer. “Um…”

 

“And what about Lisa?” John continues.

 

“What about her?” Dean asks in a confused manner.

 

“I thought you loved her?” John states.

 

“Well I don’t, I made a mistake.” Dean says.

 

“Then how are you so sure…” John says. “that you love Castiel?”

_Well at least he’s using my name now._ I think as Dean answers.

 

“Because it’s different.” He looks at me quickly and then back to his father. “The way I feel towards Cas is different than what I’ve felt towards women that I’ve dated in the past for like a week, and different from the feeling that I thought was love towards Lisa.” He takes a step forward. “Dad… I’m positive that I love him so please… don’t… don’t take him away from me. Don’t take the person I love away from me… please Dad.”

 

 

“I have to, it’s my duty.” John tells his son.

 

They have a staring contest for a long time. “Do you want to lose your kid?”

 

“What are you talking about?” John asks, clueless.

 

“You kill Cas, you lose me forever.” Dean answers.

 

John seems to contemplate this. “He lives, I lose you, he dies, and I lose you, either way I lose you, I think I’ll take my chances.”

 

I hear that movement of the rifle again and I shut my eyes tightly waiting for the pain to shoot through my back in a split second before I pass out or die immediately.

 

“I’m sorry Dean.” John points the gun at the back of my head and I accidently let out a whimper and I bite my bottom lip as tears stream out of my eyes. I open my eyes for a short time to look at Dean, wanting him to be the last thing I see, and see tears streaking his own cheeks, glistening in the moonlight.

 

More pressure on my head and I again squeeze my eyes shut. _I wonder if I’ll even hear the bang._ My body is shaking almost violently.

 

In the dead silence I hear John place his index finger on the trigger. “No Dad…” Dean whines out. “Wait… please, I’m begging you. Don’t kill him.”

 

John sighs exasperatedly. “Dean, I’m going to do this and you’re going to let me.”

 

“Please…” Dean continues to beg and I can see more tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m begging you, okay? I’m putting aside my pride and I’m begging you, don’t take him from me. Please don’t kill him and break my heart, do it for me Dad, for your son. Aren’t you supposed to protect your children? So protect…” He breaths in a shaky breath. “Protect your son’s heart and don’t do this. You’re not a murderer.” Dean wipes the tears away but more replace them.

 

John’s voice is low and without emotion. “No amount of begging will make me stop this Dean.”

 

“No… please.” He can barely get the words out and I see his bottom lip quivering even though he’s biting it.

 

“I’m sorry son.” John apologizes as if he means it. “But I promise that it’ll be worth it and you’ll get better and understand later.” John pushes the gun into the back of my head as if trying to jam it into my skull and once again I hear his finger land on the trigger.

 

“Wait.” Dean’s voice sounds desperate and broken. “I have one more proposition for you.”

 

I open my eyes and peer at Dean. _He’s cried a lot today._ I don’t know why but even in this situation, my mind still thinks that. “Oh and what is that?”

 

He looks at me and his eyes look dead. I hate that look the most. “Don’t kill him.” He nods the slightest little bit. “I promise I’ll…” He looks to me then back at John who still has the gun pointed at my head. “I’ll break up with him, I’ll break up with him… and never look back.” He takes in a rough breath and my heart shatters into a million pieces. “I’ll cut all ties with him, all contact, nothing to do with him. You can even send…” He hiccups. “send me to one of those camps that ‘fix people’, I don’t care.” He pauses and lets out a pained whimper. I see his body shudder and convulse with the force of the sobbing. “Most importantly I’ll…” He has a hard time getting this next part out. “I’ll…” Another pause. He’s biting his bottom lip so hard that I’m sure he’s drawing blood. “I’ll stop loving him.” He says it so quietly that I almost don’t catch it but unfortunately I do.

 

My throat constricts and closes and a small whimper escapes my mouth before I can stop it. “Dean-” John shuts me up with a nudge.

 

“How can I make sure you’re telling the truth?” John asks his eldest.

 

“I…” Dean seems to think about this but I’m numb inside so I hardly catch the pause. _This is a cover up right?_ “I… swear on Mom’s grave.” I snap my head up from where I was looking at the ground to peer at Dean. _Not a cover up…_ “You know when I swear on Mom’s grave I’m telling the truth and I follow through.”

 

I’m sure John’s eyes are narrowed but like before I can’t see if I’m right. The rifle lowers from my head but doesn’t even touch my back. It leaves my body all together. “Fine but no funny business Dean.” Dean nods. “Let’s go home.” John turns away.

 

Dean looks confused and looks to me then to his father, his crying has stopped. “Are we just going to leave Cas here, in the cold to find his way home on his own?”

 

John turns back around. “Yes, now let’s go.” He turns again.

 

Dean shoots me a sad, dead look then begins following his father. I turn to watch them leaving with my eyes when suddenly John halts. “Dad?” Dean asks in question.

 

John purses his lips then turns to me. He studies me slowly then turns back to Dean. “You know what? I just can’t except that.”

 

“What are-” Before Dean can finish that question and before I even know what’s going on, John turns to me, lifts the rifle and fires.

 

There’s a thunderous bang that causes my ears to ring and before anything else the thought of how annoying that ringing is and that I wish it would just stop, crosses my mind. Then there is the intense, fiery pain in my stomach. Again my mind hasn’t comprehended what has just happened yet and I think that I must have eaten something bad but I don’t have time to contemplate that theory because the next thing I know I’m coughing up something thick an metallic tasting.

 

“C-C-C-C-Cas!” I hear Dean’s frantic yell and I see through blurry eyes him running up to me as my legs give out.

 

I try to breath but something is clogging my throat and constricting my air way passage. “Dean just leave him. Thought you said you weren’t going to love him anymore?”

 

I feel the anger rise up in Dean as he picks up my head from where it landed on the ground and lays it down on his lap. “You fucking bastard. You just fucking shot him and you expect me to go with you. You arrogant bastard.” Dean is yelling but I can’t seem to focus on it. “How could you do this?” He screams at his father.

 

“You can stay here until the rodent dies then you get your ass home.” I hear John say.

 

“You expect me, after shooting my boyfriend, to go home to you?” He sounds astonished but I really can’t be sure.

 

“You better…” The John again. “Or else I’ll put a bullet in his head right this second.”

 

Dean’s breathing hitches. “O-okay, you win. I’ll go home later.” He pauses. “Does… does this mean you’re not going to give me my cell phone back to call for help?”

 

“Exactly.” I hear John walk away.

 

“Cas?” I look up to Dean to look him in the eyes and see tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

“D-don’t…” I’m having trouble talking and I wonder why. “don’t cry” I swallow the thick, metallic stuff in my mouth. “It’s going to… be okay.”

 

Dean bites his lip. “It better be.”

 

I nod. “Is he gone? John?”

 

Dean nods next. “Yeah Cas he’s gone.” He tries to smile at me but it doesn’t quite reach his ears.

 

“I… can’t believe he held…” I cough up more of that awful tasting liquid. “held… me at gun point.”

 

“I know, he’s a crazy son of a bitch.” Dean agrees.

 

I half smile. “And I’m the one… in a mental hospital.” Both Dean and I start chuckling but mine turns into a painful, body retching coughing fit.

 

“Hey, hey Cas.” He holds me up as I spit on the ground and see finally what that liquid is. It’s blood.

 

“Blood… that’s what’s clogging… my throat.” I look at Dean as he lays me back down.

 

“Um…” I search Dean’s face. “You know what Cas, you really shouldn’t be talking.” He pauses. “Cas, I need to get… get to a road, okay?” I nod. “So I’m going to have to leave you here for a minute but I promise… I promise I’ll be right back. I just need to flag someone down and um… call for help, okay?”

 

For some reason being left alone scares me. I grab his arm with my hand, lifting my hand with weak arms. “Please… don’t… leave… want… to…look… in… eyes.”

 

“I need to call for help, Cas.” He’s biting his lip again.

 

“Please -ean” I can’t even say his name fully. “Forest… eyes. Love… them.”

 

It must have been something in my eyes because the next thing Dean says is, “Okay Cas, I’ll stay just a little bit longer but then I need to get to a phone for help, okay?” I nod. I watch as he takes off his suit jacket and then his white button up shirt. He then puts the suit jacket back on and balls up the button up. “This may sting a little.”

 

He presses the balled up piece of clothing onto my stomach where the pain is. Dean was right and the pressure does sting causing my skin around the area to feel like it’s on fire. “Dean.” I whine trying to squirm away from the pressure.

 

“Cas you need to sit still.” He presses just a little harder.

 

“Hurts Dean.” I whine.

 

“I know but I have to do this.” He leans down and kisses my forehead, tears falling onto me. “Damn this is a lot of blood.” He says it under his breath but I catch it.

 

“Make the pain… go away Dean, please.” I cry while trying to breathe through the blood in my throat. “It hurts.”

 

“I know, I know, shh, its okay it’s going to be okay.” Dean tries to sooth.

 

I continue to cry and I try to move away from the pain again but Dean stops me from moving. “Please stop, Dean.”

 

“Shh.” Dean sooths, gently patting my head. “I know it hurts but you have to bear with it Cas, okay?”

 

I don’t answer and instead continue crying.

 

“It’s okay, promise.” He starts rubbing my face. “You know, I’ve been thinking…” He starts, trying to calm me down but his own crying is getting heavier. “My answer is… a yes… Cas. In the future, when we’re old enough, I will move with you to a state that… allows same sex marriage… and I’ll…” He huffs. “I’ll marry your ass.” He squeezes his eyes shut and leans down, resting his forehead on my chest, shuddering and sobs coming from him.

 

“Really?” I whisper out into the night as start to stop crying, my middle section starting go numb instead of intense pain.

 

He sits back with a smile. “Yeah… yeah.” He nods. “But you have to promise… that you won’t die before we get to do that. You promise?”

 

I look at him softly, the world beginning to disappear around me. “You don’t want me to die… so I won’t die… promise.”

 

Dean bites his lip even harder and looks away from me, a shudder going through his body as he squeezes his eyes shut.

 

“You were right.” He turns back to me. “We are like Romeo and Juliet.”

 

I smile. “Right now we’re both Romeo.” I say before closing my eyes.

 

“Cas? Cas! Hey-hey!” Dean taps my cheek, jolting me awake. “You need to stay awake. Can you stay awake for me?”

 

“I’ll try.” I can barely say it. “But I’m tired and very lightheaded. I feel like I’m flying.”

 

“I know you are Cas. I know you are.” The hand that isn’t in my hair, patting it, comes to cover his mouth as he tries to muffle another whimper. He sniffles. “But you need to stay awake and-and not fly away.” He looks around. “I’ll even give you an incentive. See that tree right above us?” He points and I nod. “If you stay awake then that tree will give you an award. You want to know what that award is?” I nod again, except less movement. “The award is that, if you stay awake then for a whole month you get to top in sex. That sound good?”

 

I smile and nod. “Yeah but can I also have a cat?”

 

“A cat?” Dean smiles.

 

I nod. “We can have a dog too if you want but… I want a cat.”

 

Dean’s smile gets bigger. “Yeah Cas, you can have a cat.”

 

I smile at his smile. “Thank you.”

 

Dean stares at me. “Good.” He then thinks for a short amount a time. “Another thing that’ll help you stay awake is me singing. You should hear, I am awful.” I chuckle and Dean chuckles slightly with hearing my own. “And I know the perfect song to sing to you because you’ve been asking for me to sing it to you for a long time now. You know what song?”

 

“Our…” I cough. “song?”

 

“Yeah.” He nods and tears start welling up in his eyes again. “Just remember stay awake, okay?” I nod as my own eyes start to water with tears again. I don’t like seeing Dean cry. He bows his head again and rocks his body back and forth, crying into my chest as he holds my head tight to his body. “I love… you Cas. I love you so much.” He whispers it and kisses my forehead with tear stained lips. He then kisses my lips that have blood all over them and smears blood onto his own lips. “I… love… you. I…” He says those beautiful words against my lips and then kisses them again, lingering.

 

“I… love… you… t…” I can’t say the full thing, feeling myself getting weaker and weaker as my eyes fall half hooded.

 

“Shhh.” He silences me. “I know you do, I know you do.” He breaths in shakily and kisses my lips one more time before he takes a deep breath and begins to sing.

 

“Slowly fading away

You're lost and so afraid

Where is the hope In a world so cold?

Looking for a distant light

Someone who can save a life

Living in fear that no one will hear your cries”

 

I interrupt him. “Wow, you’re right you do suck.”

 

Dean chuckles. “Thanks.” He then continues.

 

“(Can you save me now)

I am with you

I will carry you through it all

I won't leave you

I will catch you

When you feel like letting go

'Cause you're not

You're not alone”

 

I do have to admit, though, Dean isn’t that bad at singing and in fact I like hearing him sing, especially this song.

 

“There’s a break in the song here but I’ll go on.” I smile at him as he continues.

 

“Your heart is full of broken dreams

Just a fading memory

And everything's gone

But the pain carries on

Lost in the rain again

When will it ever end?

Arms of relief

Seem so out of reach”

 

My eyes are getting droopy.

 

“But I

(I am here)

I am with you

I will carry you through it all

I won't leave you

I will catch you”

 

I try to keep my eyes open but it’s a painful struggle. “Dean?”

 

“Yeah Cas?” He asks, stopping his singing for a minute.

 

“I… can’t… breathe.” I’m taking gasps of air.

 

“Okay I need to go get help now.” Dean makes to get up but I grab his arm.

 

“Please finish… the song first… please Dean.” A tear slips down my cheek.

 

“Cas…” He begins.

 

“Please.” I beg as more tears begin rolling down my blood stained cheeks.

 

Dean looks briefly away then back to me and nods.

 

“When you feel like letting go

'Cause you're not

You're not alone”

 

Dean is crying heavily again and it’s making the song sound weird but I don’t mind much.

 

“And I will be your hope

When you feel like it's over

And I will pick you up

When your whole world shatters

When you're finally in my arms

Look up and see love as a face”

 

_I can’t feel my legs anymore._

 

“I am with you

I will carry you through it all

I won't leave you

I will catch you

When you feel like letting go

'Cause you're not

You're not alone”

 

_So tired, just want to sleep but I told Dean I’d stay awake._

 

“And I will be your hope

Not alone

And I will pick you up

And I will be your hope

And I will be your hope”

 

_Ah, we’re close to the end now, maybe Dean will let me sleep just for a few minutes._

 

“Slowly fading away

Lost and so afraid

Where is the hope in a world so cold?”

 

I close my eyes, not able to hold them open any longer, and the last thing I see are Dean’s green eyes, the last thing I feel is Dean’s gentle touch stroking my cheek, and the last thing I hear is Dean saying my name, desperately trying to wake me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how long you would stay conscious being shot with a rifle but from here on out, nothing is going to be how it would be in real life, just as a warning to you. It will not be realistic at all.
> 
> Which… brings me to my next thing. Next chapter is all in Dean’s POV. Castiel is passed out so unless he feels like waking up for us, next chapter will be in Dean’s point of view.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a reminder this chapter is in Dean’s point of view and the next chapter will probably be the same. One more reminder; this is in no way shape or form realistic. The name for the lake was a randomly generated name from a name generator. So is the doctor’s name.
> 
> I changed Dean’s age because in the show his birthday is in January so it would have already past, so he’s Cas’ age now. (Uh… just pretend they celebrated it, yeah?)
> 
> I didn’t reread this chapter like I normally do so they’re may be more mistakes than normal. I’m just too lazy to reread such a long chapter after typing it all. Sorry.

**Chapter 26:**

 

I look down at Castiel’s lifeless body on the verge of a breakdown. “C-Cas? Cas? Come on open your eyes.” He’s completely limp in my arms.

 

I shake him a little, trying not to hurt him too bad. _Pulse, check for a pulse._ I think but can’t seem to move my hands to his neck because somehow I already know that I won’t feel anything other than cold skin, but I don’t want to confirm my thoughts. _Get together Dean, it’s going to be okay, Cas needs you right now, you won’t lose someone else._

 

I reach down to his neck with a shaky hand cautiously and place two blood soaked fingers on the blood vessel that should be pulsating with the rush of blood but find nothing there. My own heart rate speeds up.

 

I search desperately for that bumping in his neck but no matter where I search, where I place my fingers on his neck, I can’t find anything and instead smear blood all over Castiel’s neck. “N-n-n-no, no, no, no, please.” I lift up his wrist and try to find a pulse there. Still nothing.

 

“Shit.” I curse as a wave of nausea rushes through me. I look around the woods, not knowing what to do. I find myself patting Castiel’s hair, smudging his blood onto his forehead. “It’s okay Cas, it’s going to be okay, I’ll protect you.” I squeeze my eyes shut in the effort to stop crying but it doesn’t help. If anything it makes me cry even more.

 

I’m rocking my body back and forth to calm myself so I can think straight. “You promised you wouldn’t die damn it.” I lay my head down on his chest, getting blood on my forehead from the blood that was once pooling out of the wound. My body convulses with sobs, small whimpers coming from between my lips.

 

I lift up my head and kiss his forehead that is cold against my lips, despite the cold air cooling my lips. There’s still blood trickling out of his mouth. Then a thought hits me. _The Impala!_ “Come on Cas.” I put my arm under his shoulders and under his knees. I lift him up in bride style.

 

I try to find my way back to the Impala as quick as possible but it’s not easy. More than once I end up back to where I started, gun powder smell still in the air and a pool of blood being soaked up into the ground where Castiel once lay.

 

I do manage to get to the Impala after some hard core searching and place Castiel into the back not caring if blood gets on the seat.

_Would it be faster to call for an ambulance?_ I think as I remember my spare cell phone. I decide on calling to check and dig through the glove department, dumping things everywhere. _Where is it? Where the hell is it?_ I search on the floor and under the front and back seat but still can’t find it.

 

By now I’m starting to panic. I go to the trunk and open it, throwing everything that is in it on the ground. _Yes, here it is, finally._ I pull the phone from the trunk and dial the famous three numbers.

 

“Nine one one, what’s your emergency?” The woman asks.

 

“My boyfriend’s been shot and I don’t know if it’ll be quicker for me to bring him to the hospital or have an ambulance sent.” I say frantically.

 

“Okay sir.” The woman says calmly. “Where are you now?”

 

“Hexner Lake… he’s passed out and I can’t wake him.” I cry.

 

“Okay sir; please just stay calm, someone is on their way.” She pauses to make sure I’m still there. “Does he have a pulse?”

 

“I can’t find one.” I sound pathetic. “But he was fine just a minute ago, he can’t die.”

 

“How much blood has he lost, sir, and have you put pressure on the wound?” She asks professionally.

 

“He’s lost a lot.” I pause. “”Yeah, yeah, I have put pressure on the wound but I’m not now.”

 

“Okay, please continue to put pressure on the wound.” She instructs and I climb into the Impala, press down onto the cloth covering the wound. I hoped there would be a reaction from Castiel but there is none.

 

The woman on the phone speaks up. “What should I tell the paramedics to look for when they get there?”

 

“Um… a 1967 Chevy Impala.” I answer.

 

“Police are also on the way, since this is a shooting.” The woman says. “Would you like me to stay on the phone with you until they get there?”

 

“No.” I answer. “It’s okay, I’m sure you have to take other calls. Thanks.”

 

“Okay, keep pressure on the wound.” She says. “Bye bye.”

 

I hang up and lay my head down in the crook of Castiel’s neck. “It’s okay Cas, people are coming to help you now, just hang on, okay?” I take a deep breath, savoring Castiel’s smell, if you can get pass the smell of blood. I lie there listening for sirens and when they finally come I climb out of the Impala. They pull up but to my dismay it’s the cops, not an ambulance.

 

“Hello sir.” The cop walks up to me with a flashlight.

 

I start to panic again. “Where… where are the paramedics?”

 

“They’re on their way.” The cop says.

 

“No.” My voice rises. “He needs them now.”

 

“Son, just calm down, they’re almost here.” The cop reassures me.

 

As if they knew they were needed this instant, sirens sound and an ambulance pulls up. Two female paramedics hop out of the truck and rushes over to me. “Where’s the victim?”

 

“In my car.” I answer.

 

“Okay.” One of the women says. She has brown hair pulled into a tight ponytail, light blue eyes shining from the moonlight. “We’re going to have to get him out of there.” She rushes over to the Impala.

 

“Did you move the body?” The other paramedic, blonde hair also in a ponytail, glasses set firmly on her face, asks me.

_Body…_ That word sends a shiver up my spine. “Yes, I had to get to my spare cell phone and couldn’t just leave him in the woods alone.”

 

“I understand but you could have traumatized his body by moving it.” The blonde goes to help the brunette.

 

“Young man?” The cop comes up behind me. “I’m going to need you to answer some questions. What’s your name?”

 

I watch as the two women pull Castiel’s body out of the back of the Impala. “D-Dean.” My eyes don’t leave Castiel. I watch as they gently set him down on the cold, hard ground.

 

“Did you perform CPR Dean?” The brunette asks me, obviously hearing me answer the cop’s question.

 

“No… I didn’t think to do that.” Tears swell in my eyes again. _How could I have been so stupid?_

 

The brunette eyes me then gets to work on Castiel as the cop begins talking again. “I’m going to have to have you show me where the body was.” More cops are coming now.

 

“I want to wait until they tell me Cas is okay.” I say as I watch the paramedics check Castiel’s vital.

 

“Cas that young man’s name?” The cop asks.

 

“Castiel… Novak…” I watch as the paramedics, with their latex gloved hands, start to lift the shirt off the gunshot wound. “Be careful…” I snap. “That hurts him.”

 

The two women look at each other then the brunette goes back to work as the blonde looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. She takes a deep breath. “He’s not going to feel it honey.”

 

My heart beat speeds up. “Why not?” I already know the answer but I can’t seem to believe it, to convince my brain that it’s true. The blonde looks down. “Why not?” I ask more forcefully.

 

The two women exchange a look. Then the brunette gets up and walks over to me. “I’m really sorry but…” She takes a deep breath. “He doesn’t have a pulse honey.” I know what it means, I’m not stupid, but for some reason I still can’t believe it, not until I hear it, so I remain silent. “He’s passed away sweetie.” She goes to talk to one of the cops.

 

My heart stops beating, breaks into tiny little bits that I’m sure Castiel would have loved slitting his wrists with just to add to the blood and tears pouring out of my heart, not to mention the pain. The pain is so great that all I want to do is lie down next to Castiel and die right along with him. To bleed out into the void that I’m currently falling into. The thought of our blood pooling onto the ground together excites me and I have to fight the urge to grab the gun hooked to the cop’s belt and give myself a bullet wound, to kill myself with the pain that my dad gave Castiel.

 

Anger floods into my chest and I clench my teeth together, hands curl into tight fists, ready to punch the next person to get in the way of the fucking bastard who hurt Castiel. _Cas, how could you do this to me?_

 

I feel the hot sting of tear before I even realize I’m crying. “C-can I sit with him… before you question me? Please?” I ask, turning to the cop.

 

“I really need to know where the body was and I can’t have you contaminating the crime scene.” The cop says, though he wears a sympathetic look.

 

“I don’t even know if I’ll be able to find it in the dark.” I sniffle. “And I already contaminated it didn’t I?”

 

The cop looks hesitant but slowly nods. “How old are you son?”

 

“Seventeen.” I answer simply.

 

He shakes his head. “My boss is going to kill me. Fine we’ll wait till later. How can I reach you?” I write my spare cell phone’s number down on a piece of paper the cop gives me. “Is there anyone you would like me to call?”

 

I shake my head. “No thank you. I’ll take care of it.”

 

The cop nods then walks away to discuss matters with other fellow officers. I walk up to Castiel, lying on the ground, and kneel down beside him. I begin patting his bangs out of his eyes. “How could you leave me? You said you wouldn’t die.” I cry. I lean down and kiss his forehead then I kiss his lips. I sit up surprised though because I feel wind on my lips. I look to Castiel’s chest and see it rise and fall shallowly. I gape in amazement. “H-h-he’s breathing. Help, he’s breathing.” I yell out.

 

Both the two paramedics come rushing back and check for themselves. “He’s right, he’s breathing again. He wasn’t a few minutes ago.” I smile with absolute joy. “Get a stretcher, quick, this boy needs a hospital.

 

I watch as someone brings over a stretcher. The two paramedics put a neck brace around Castiel’s neck. They also place a manual oxygen mask over his mouth then lift up his body, strapping him onto the stretcher. “You bringing him to the hospital now?” I ask the blonde.

 

“Yes, you want to come?” She asks as the others slide Castiel into the ambulance. I nod. “You want to ride with us or drive your car.?”

 

 

“I’ll… drive my car.” I say, not taking my eyes off Castiel, now receiving an IV drip.

 

“Okay, when you get to the hospital just say your name at the desk.” Someone calls her name but I don’t pay enough attention to hear it. “I have to go.” She rushes off getting into the back of the ambulance. The driver rushes away once the door is shut.

 

I rush over to the Impala, throw everything back into it, and don’t stop when a cop clears his throat to talk. “We’re going to be following you to the hospital so we can ask you some questions.” I nod then slam the door, speeding off.

 

While driving down the road at fifteen over the speed limit I send a quick prayer to God asking him to please let Castiel be okay. My adrenaline rush is starting to wear thin and my eyes start to droop. I roll the window down, letting the frigid air blast in my face.

 

I make it to the hospital in no time and jog inside. I make way to the desk. “Hi, I’m Dean Winchester, I’m-I’m here for Castiel Novak.”

 

The male receptionist flips through some papers then says. “The doctors are trying to stabilize him right now. If you want you can wait in the waiting room. Go down that hall, take a right, and it’s the third door on your right. Someone will then be with you shortly.”

 

“Thank you.” I rush off just as a few cops enter the building. I follow the receptionist’s directions and sit in one the red, cushiony chairs.

 

The cops catch up to me. “Dean?”

 

I rest my head in my hands, not even looking up at the officer. “Yeah?”

 

“We would like to ask you a few questions.” I reluctantly stand up. “What can you tell us that happened?”

 

Suddenly I’m bombarded with the feeling of fear towards my father. “Someone tried to hijack my car; me being stupid didn’t let him… Cas he… he also didn’t let him.” I rub my hands over my face and sigh. “The guy held up a rifle to Cas, led us into the woods, and shot him. He would have shot me if I didn’t… throw a rock at the guy’s face. After that he ran away.”

 

“And he just left your car?” The cop is writing down everything I say.

 

“Yeah.” I answer.

 

“Would you be able to identify him?” He asks.

 

I look him straight in the eyes. “No.”

 

“Why not sir?” The cop asks next.

 

I shake my head. “To dark, didn’t see the guy’s face let alone what he was wearing.”

 

The cop nod. “I know you’re in a lot of distress so we’ll stop now and be in touch.” He walks away.

 

I sit back down, once again resting my head in my hands. I close my eyes, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel myself drifting off to sleep when a male, deep voice says my name. “Mr. Winchester?”

 

I bolt out of my chair and look at the doctor. “Yes?”

 

“My name is Dr. Seborg.” He is a fairly tall man, taller than me, with dirty blond hair and glasses atop his nose. “Mr. Novak is now stable but before we go into surgery we need to have a blood donation on hand. I don’t want risk him dying on the operating table because he loses to much blood.” He pauses, studying my face. “Problem is we don’t have any blood on hand that would be suitable to him.”

 

“I have the same blood type as him.” I don’t hesitate in saying.

 

“That’s good, how old are you?” He asks.

 

“Seventeen.” I say in confusion.

 

The doctor begins again. “If you’re under the age of eighteen you need parent consent.” My face falls from hope to doom. “Here.” He takes a paper off his clipboard. “Just have a parent or guardian sign this as soon as possible and get it back to me.” He turns away and goes back to wherever Castiel is. _Great, how am I supposed to get dad to sign this?_

 

I go back to the Impala and quickly drive back home. It’s almost morning already, the time being 2:30. I open the door and the first thing I hear is, “Dean, where the hell have you been?”

 

I shut my eyes wanting to get away, to escape. “I had to bury the body and then I went to the hospital to get checked out, you know, to make sure nothing rubbed off on me from Cas.” I feel dirty just saying it.

 

“There wasn’t anything wrong was there?” He asks, looking concerned.

 

I give a fake smile. “No, thank God.”

 

“Good boy.” _I’m not an animal._ “Why don’t you get some sleep, you look extremely tired, we’ll talk in the morning.” My father turns to leave.

 

“Actually Dad.” I begin. “When I was down at the hospital someone said one of the patients needs a blood transfusion as soon as possible but they don’t have a compatible blood type on hand so I offered because I do have the right blood.” I pause to await his reaction but he doesn’t do anything. “For me to be able to give blood, I need you to sign this.” I hand him the paper.

 

He scrutinizes it, takes out a pen, and sign on the dotted line. “You can go do this tomorrow.”

 

“Actually Dad,” I correct. “the person is in critical condition, they need the blood ASAP, so I was thinking I could go back now and give it.”

 

Dad studies my face before answering. “Fine, but hurry home and don’t fall asleep behind the wheel.” He says. “Son, here.” He hands me my cell phone then leaves.

_Yeah, now you care if I get hurt._ I think as I, too, leave. I drive back to the hospital only going five over the speed limit this time. I get inside the hospital, ask for Dr. Seborg, then sit in the same waiting area as before. “Mr. Winchester?”

 

I stand and immediately hand him the signed paper. “Where do I go to get it done?”

 

Dr. Seborg looks over the paper then back at me. “Okay, we prepped a room while you were gone, follow me.” I follow the Dr. into one of the rooms. “A nurse will be doing the actual drawing of the blood as I prep Mr. Novak for surgery.” He walks out.

 

I sit down on the bed then lie on my back. I close my eyes briefly before a nurse rushes in. I sit back up, she introduces herself, cleans a spot on my arm with rubbing alcohol, and ties a band around my arm. She grabs a needle attached to a tube. “Ready?” I nod and she jabs the needle into my arm. I’ve never had a problem with needles and blood so when the nurse finishes and tells me I should sit for fifteen minutes I tell her I don’t need too. She lets me go back to the waiting room.

 

I don’t sit back down right away, just pacing the room, until my feet start to hurt then I’m forced to sit. I think about calling the psychiatric hospital and telling them what happened then reiterating it all again to Lucifer but I decide against it, not feeling the energy or will to relive that moment.

 

I doze off again in the chair and hours go by before Dr. Seborg comes to me. “Mr. Winchester?” I look up drowsily, neck aching from the awkward position. “Mr. Novak is now out of surgery and is in ICU.” He hesitates and I stand up, looking on pleadingly. “It was good, um, no complications. We were able to remove parts of the bullet. There was a lot of damage and we fixed the things we could but only time will tell.”

 

“So he could still die?” I ask, not really wanting to hear the answer.

 

“Yes he could still die but he could not.” I nod feeling my hope rise slightly. “But that’s not our only biggest concern.” I get nervous and shift my weight to my left hip. “We were going to put Mr. Novak in an artificial coma…”

 

“Okay.” I try to grasp what he is saying.

 

“We were going to do this to give Mr. Novak’s body time to heal.” He continues.

 

“Were? So he doesn’t have to be in a coma anymore?” I question.

 

“That’s the problem.” I get confused. “We don’t have to put Mr. Novak in an artificial coma because he’s… already in a coma.”

 

All the hope that I felt vanishes just like that. “What?”

 

“Mr. Novak sustained a lot of blood loss and that leaves the brain without it’s needed oxygen.” He begins to explain. “Not to mention that he did die earlier at the scene of the crime. That’s a long time without brain activity. He’s lucky to be alive now, however that happened.”

 

“Do you know when he’s going to wake up?” I ask, trying my hardest to focus and not freak out.

 

The Dr. shakes his head, setting his lips into a tight straight line. “I’m sorry Mr. Winchester, but there’s no telling when.” He studies my face and sighs. “He’s all set up in his room, number twenty seven in ICU, if you want to go and see him. A lot of people believe that coma patients can actually hear you and remember what you said to them when they come out of the coma. Why don’t you try talking to him.” I nod and make to leave but Dr. Seborg doesn’t let me yet. “I’m going to warn you Mr. Winchester, he’s hooked up to a lot of machines so don’t be surprised or worried, they’re there to help him.”

 

I nod again. “I’ll prepare myself.” Of course how can you prepare yourself to see your boyfriend lying in a hospital bed, tube through the nose and mouth for breathing, blood drip in his left arm, IV drip in his right hand, and wires coming out of the hospital gown from his chest to monitor his heart and breathing. I cover my mouth. “Cas.” I mumble into my hand.

 

I feel my heart ache and I pull up a chair next to Castiel’s bed. I sit down. I lean forward and kiss his forehead. He’s cold and pale from blood loss. I sit back and grab his hand, bringing it up to my mouth and kissing it. I look up to the bag full of blood, my blood.

 

“Now we really are connected huh?” I say, trying to be as perky as possible which isn’t much. “I can’t believe my dad did this to you.” I kiss his hand again. “He doesn’t know you’re alive, I couldn’t put it pass him to come here and suffocate you.” I swallow dryly. “Please wake up Cas, please baby.” I wipe a tear that slips through my barriers, still holding onto Castiel’s hand.

 

“Mr. Winchester?” I turn around to see Dr. Seborg standing in the doorway. “I would like to know if Mr. Novak has any family members I should call.”

 

“He’s up for adoption so no not really.” He nods.

 

“Okay thank you.” He then leaves.

 

I sit back down and pull out my cell phone. The receptionist at the psychiatric hospital answers. “Yeah, hi, um… is Lucifer Pellegrino there?”

 

“One moment please.” I hear shuffling.

 

“Hello?” I hear Lucifer’s voice.

 

“Hey Lucifer.” I say into the phone.

 

“Hi.” He says hesitantly. “Is the reason why you’re calling have anything to do with why Angel isn’t here?”

 

“Yeah.” I try not to choke it out but fail miserably.

 

“What’s wrong Dean?” Instant worry is evident in his voice. “What happened?”

 

I take a deep breath. “He’s um… in the hospital, Lucifer.” Silence. “He’s uh… in a…in a coma.”

 

At first there is complete and utter silence. “How?” Is all Lucifer manages to say.

 

“Just promise me you won’t yell and act rashly.” I say but he doesn’t say anything. “My dad shot him.” I whisper, not wanting anyone to hear.

 

“What?” Lucifer sounds… well pissed, if not demonic.

 

“Lucifer…” I warn but he seems not to hear me.

 

“That fucking bastard! I’m going to kill him.” Lucifer tries not to yell.

 

“Hey watch it.” I continue. “That’s my father you’re talking about.”

 

Lucifer is quiet, like the anger is boiling up inside him. “You’re defending the guy who shot to kill your boyfriend?” His voice is so low and lacking of emotion that it’s damn scary.

 

“No.” I say quickly but Lucifer has none of it.

 

“Are you kidding Dean?” He yells now. “Your boyfriend is lying in a coma and you’re defending the guy who put him there?” I pinch the bridge of my nose.

 

“Would you shut up and listen to me Lucifer.” I glance to Castiel as if I would wake him with my yelling. “I’m not defending the bastard, but he’s family.”

 

“Yeah and Michael’s my family.” He points out. “You don’t see me defending him. If he tried to kill my boyfriend I would turn the bastard in.”

 

“That’s not the same.” I raise my voice.

 

I can tell I should just shut my mouth and stop adding fuel to the fire by what Lucifer says next. “You know what Dean, grow the hell up, grow a pair of fucking balls, and turn your father into the police.” Dial tone.

 

I sigh and slip my phone back into my pocket. I turn to Castiel. “The problem with Lucifer telling me to grow a pair is that you already took my balls.” I sigh again. “Please wake up Cas, open your eyes damn it.”

 

Two minutes go by when my phone vibrates. I once again dig it out of my pocket and look at the caller ID. It reads, ‘Sammy’. “What Sam?” I answer.

 

“Where are you? Dad is freaking out” Sam says quietly into the phone.

 

“Shit.” I stand up. “I’ll be right there Sammy.” I hang up, bend down, and kiss Castiel’s forehead. “I’ll be back soon, I promise.” I kiss his ear.

 

I drive home quickly, fighting sleep. When I get inside Sam and Dad are both in the living room. “Where were you son?”

 

I swallow. “Driving around, clearing my head.”

 

“Well hurry up and change your clothes, it’s almost time for school.” My dad says.

 

“Wait.” I say, feeling overwhelmed. “You’re going to make me go to school? I’ve been up all night.”

 

“I didn’t tell you to stay up all night.” I slump my shoulders. Then I begin going upstairs. “Oh and Dean?” I turn to look at him.” I’m going to be trying to get you out of gym class.”

 

“What?” I ask, annoyed. “Why?”

 

“You know why. Go get changed.” Dad orders.

 

I roll my eyes and make my way up to my bedroom. I quickly wash the blood covering my hand from where I held the cloth on Castiel’s wound and change out of my bloody suit. I get into a tight AC/DC T-shirt, light blue, faded out at the knees, jeans, and my leather jacket.

 

I stop short of opening my bedroom door and instead go to my nightstand. I open the top drawer and take out the picture of me and Castiel standing next to our snowman. I look at Castiel’s smiling face in the photo and smile sadly back. I then shut the drawer and tuck the photo, photo frame and all, into my backpack.

 

I quickly go back downstairs after brushing my teeth. “Hurry up Dean, you may not mind being late but I do.”

 

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch Sam.” I say as we both walk out the door to the Impala.

 

Half way there, Sam decides to give me the third degree. “What’s going on with you and Dad and what was that blood on you?”

 

“Nothing Sammy.” I don’t want Sam to know.

 

“Dean you can’t keep it all bottled up. Come on, I’m here for you.” Sam claims.

 

I sigh. “Yes I can, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

 

“Dean-” Sam begins but I don’t let him continue.

 

“Sam.” I warn. “Drop it okay?”

 

Sam sighs from beside me and a few minutes later, I’m pulling into the school’s parking lot.

 

Once in the school and a pit stop at my locker, I go to first block, just going through the motions and for a minute there I forget what has happened and everything seems fine. That’s before I fall asleep in class, however.

_“Dean help me!” Castiel yells from somewhere in the distance._

_“Cas!” I yell back and all of a sudden he’s in front of me, blood pouring out of his mouth and blood coming from his stomach._

_“Dean… help.” Cas pleads, blood muffling him._

_I reach out to him but he is just out of reach. “Hold on Cas.” My dad appears with a rifle. “No…”_

_Dad holds the gun up to Castiel’s head. “Dean…” Castiel continues to beg. “Help Dean.” I try to step up to him but there is like this invisible wall in front of me, keeping me from him. “Dean.”_

_“Stop it please.” I feel my eyes water._

_“Dean.” Castiel says before my dad pulls the trigger…_ and I bolt upright, the teacher saying my name and the whole class staring at me.

 

“Are you bored with my teachings Dean?” The teacher asks.

 

“No sir.” I say.

 

“Then next time pay attention.” He turns back to the board just as the bell rings to go to second block. I get up and go to gym class.

 

Normally at the beginning of the class we run around but today I’m just way to tired so I stand by the side lines.

 

“Winchester!” I turn to face the gym teacher aka the football coach. “What are you doing just standing around? Get moving.”

 

“I feel like I’m going to pass out.” I tell him as he gets closer.

 

“Stop being shut a wuss Winchester.” He says then says more quietly, “and stop watching the guys running around.”

 

“What makes you think I’m watching the guys?” I challenge.

 

“Get moving Dean.” He takes a step closer.

 

“I was up all night.” I try to explain. “I’m too tired.”

 

“Up all night with your boyfriend doing things in bed?” He continues, getting into my face and the mere mention of Castiel enrages me.

 

“Don’t you mention him.” I growl out.

 

“I have nothing against homosexuals Dean.” He goes to walk away.

 

“You son of a bitch.” I grab his shoulder and punch him hard, everything catching up to me. “That’s a fucking lie you stupid bastard.” I punch him again, classmates coming over and trying to pry me from the teacher. “Tell the fucking truth.”

 

It takes two classmates to pull me away from the teacher. I shrug them off and start walking. “Where do you think you’re going Dean?” I hear coach behind me.

 

“To the office, that’s where you’re going to send me right?” I don’t turn around and continue walking. Coach doesn’t say anything and just before I leave the room I flip him off.

 

I get to the office and sit in the first chair. Not long after coach walks into the office, too, and then the principle calls him in. I sit for even longer, bell ringing to go to next block.

 

I’m finally called in. “Mr. Winchester you may come and take a seat.” The principle says. I walk in shooting the coach a dirty look when he goes pass me to leave. “To start off I would like to say how sorry I am about Mr. Novak.”

 

“He’s not dead.” I say, guessing the hospital called the school.

 

“Excuse me?” He asks, clearly confused.

 

“You’re talking as if he’s dead.” I explain. “He’s not dead and he’s not going to die.”

 

The principle is speechless for a few seconds before he mutters a ‘sorry’ then continues to the topic at hand. “Mr. Winchester, we know you are concerned and stressed about what has happened to Mr. Novak but that is not an excuse to hit your own gym teacher.” I open my mouth to talk but he cuts me off. “But… you aren’t going to be expelled or suspended because that, I believe, will cause you even more unnecessary stress.” He sighs. “I want you to take a few days off of school Dean, you look exhausted and I’m guessing you were up all night with Mr. Novak. Go home, get some sleep, and spend time with Mr. Novak, okay?”

 

I nod. “Thank you sir.”

 

“I’ll call your dad and let him know.” He picks up the phone.

 

“No.” I too quickly say. “I can do that later, he’s in an important meeting.”

 

The principle nods. “Okay, off you go Dean. Your father doesn’t need to call you in on the days you’re not coming in, I’ll take care of it.”

 

“Okay thanks.” I walk out and out of the school, making my way back to the hospital.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also in Deans POV.

**Chapter 27:**

 

Driving back to the hospital is nerve wrecking. Half way there I get this very bad feeling, like something’s wrong. That’s why, when I get to the hospital and park, I rush into the building towards Castiel’s room.

 

When I get there my stomach does a flip and I feel like throwing up. _Oh no, no, no, no, not again, please not again._

 

I stand outside Castiel’s room, watching as Dr. Seborg tries to revive Castiel with the machines making all kinds of noises indicating Castiel’s heart has stopped. The paddles aren’t working so he moves on to using his hands. “Still no change, let’s try one more time.” I hear him say through the loud, alerting machines.

_One more time…_ Those words ring in my ears as I watch helplessly from the sidelines. _Damn it Cas, you better make it through this._ And as if he heard my thought the machines indicate that his heart is beating again. I slump on the wall, worn out and tired of this fucked up mess.

 

Dr. Seborg makes sure Castiel is stable before noticing me out in the hall. He comes out to talk to me. “He’s stable now.” All I can manage to do is nod. “I won’t lie to you, it was close. He wasn’t responding to anything and that was our last try. He just doesn’t want to stay gone.” I weakly smile at the notion and nod. “Of course, he has something to come back to.” Dr. Seborg clasps my shoulder then walks away.

 

I wait until all the nurses are out of Castiel’s room before entering. I grab his hand again, just like before. “Jeez Cas, You scared the hell out of me. Don’t do that again okay?”

 

I look at his body. Everything that was hooked to him is still there except for the blood drip. _Must have finished it._ I think as I watch Castiel’s face, it looks peaceful, besides the two tubes from his nose and mouth.

 

I don’t know how long I sit there before falling asleep. _Castiel is once again standing in front of me, blood coming from his mouth and stomach. “Cas?”_

_He reaches out to me with bloody hands. I grab it and pull him in close, hugging my arms around him and squeezing. “Dean help me… please.”_

_“It’s okay Cas, don’t worry I’m here now.” I squeeze him harder._

_“I don’t want to die Dean, help me please.” He pleads into my shoulder._

_“You’re not going to die, Cas.” I comfort. “I’m here Cas.”_

_But then my Dad shows up. “Get away from him boy.”_

_“No.” I yell._

_Dad holds up his rifle and shoots Castiel in the head, splattering his brain on me and everything around me._ I wake up startled.

 

“Shit.” I curse and turn to Castiel to make sure he’s okay. “Damn it Cas, you’re going to give me insomnia if you don’t wake up soon. _And if the nightmares don’t stop._ I think as an afterthought.

 

I study Castiel’s face, looking for any sign of consciousness. “Do you know how much I love you Cas?” I stroke his cheek, feeling his stubble and smiling. “You need to shave.” I laugh slightly then go on to say, “No I’m just kidding, I, surprisingly, like your stubble, it’s cute and totally works for you.” I chuckle but my smile soon dissipates. “Come on Cas, don’t leave me hanging like this, wake the hell up.”

 

I’m starting to get angry, although, I’m not sure why. I get back up and begin, once again, pacing the room. I rub my hand over my face trying to stay calm. “He’ll be okay Dean.” I say out loud to myself. I glance at Castiel, feeling the anger rise up to a boiling point, ready to spill over any second, but I hold it in. That’s what I do best, let my emotions build, not showing or telling how I really feel.

 

I take a deep breath to calm myself, rubbing my hand over my face again. “Damn it.” I say out of frustration. “Wake up Cas, you’re stronger than this, wake the hell up already damn it.” I continue pacing. I sigh and go sit back down in the chair.

 

“This isn’t going to be some kind of _Sleeping Beauty_ type thing is it?” I ask even though I know I won’t get an answer. “You know how much I hate chick flick moments Cas.” I kiss his cheek, forehead, and the corner of his mouth anyways, some kind of hope in my chest. Castiel, however, doesn’t move and continues breathing through the two tubes.

 

I sit there, entranced in his ‘sleeping state’, for hours. I glance at the clock eventually, noticing that I have to go and pick up Sam from his after school club, Math club, the big nerd. “I have to go now Cas, got to go pickup the giant. I’ll come back tomorrow, promise.” I kiss his forehead before going. I go to the door and look back. “I would come back today but… I don’t want Dad to get suspicious. I love you Castiel.”

 

I quickly drive back to the school to pick up Sam. He struggles to get his enormous body into the Impala. “Hey Dean.”

 

“Are you going through a growth spurt or something? Jeez Sam you’re getting big.” I joke.

 

“Shut up Dean.” Sam gives me a bitch face then softens his expression. “Glad to see you’re in a better mood.”

 

“I was never in a bad mood.” I defend myself.

 

“Sure you weren’t Dean.” Sam rolls his eyes. “You were pretty bitchy this morning.” I roll my eyes next. “Are you ever going to tell me what that blood on you was?”

 

“No.” I take one glance at him and there it is, the puppy dog look. _Damn it! Damn Sam and Cas with their damn irresistible puppy dog look!_ I think as I safely pull over. I sigh. “Sammy, you’re not going to like it if I tell you.”

 

Sam continues his puppy dog eyes. “I can handle it.”

 

I stare at him, contemplating whether or not to tell him. I think for a long time, just starring at his patient face. That’s when I realize how mature Sam is, how much he has grown, and I know he can handle what I’m about to say, the bomb that I’m about to drop. I take a deep breath and look away from him, not wanting to see the pain pool into those eyes. “Listen, Sammy, it’s about Dad as you probably have already guessed.” I glance over to him to see him looking out the windshield. “This could get Dad in a lot of trouble Sam.” He glances over at me but doesn’t hold my gaze. I take another deep breath. “Dad…” I swallow dryly. “…shot Cas.”

 

Sam’s head whips my way in utter shock. “Dean, what the hell?”

 

I look away again. “He did it because of Cas and me being together.”

 

“Have you gone to the police?” Sam asks me and I turn to him in disbelief.

 

 

“You’re not serious Sam?” I ask him.

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He asks seriously and I look on in confusion.

 

“Because he’s our father.” I reply. I’m feeling angry again.

 

“Yeah but Dean, he shot someone.” He points out.

 

“Do you think I don’t know that Sam?” I snap at him. “I was there. I watched Cas bleed out and there was _a lot_ of blood Sam, I mean like pools of it, and I had to watch him die.” Tears form in my eyes and once again I look away. I quickly blink the tears away so Sam can’t see how weak I am at the moment. “He’s already died twice Sammy.”

 

Sam seems to see right through me, however. “Then turn Dad in.” He says gently. “Don’t let Cas go through this without some justice.” He looks at me but I don’t look at him back. “Is he okay?”

 

I sigh and rest my forehead on the steering wheel and shake my head. “He’s in a coma.”

 

I don’t see it but I know Sam is shaking his head. Then the water works start and it’s too late for me to hold them back so I keep my head down, not letting Sam see the tears. He knows me though. “Dean you okay?” I don’t answer because I know my voice will crack. “Dean?” I nod my head, indicating that I’m fine. “Dean don’t lie to me.” Sam scolds. “Are you okay?” He asks again but more sternly this time. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to will my tears away but it doesn’t help. I finally shake my head no and a shutter coarses through my body. I feel Sam’s hand rubbing my back. “It’ll be okay Dean.” He continues rubbing when I don’t say anything. “Dean please don’t cry.”

 

“Not crying Sammy.” I lie.

 

“Dean.” He says softly. “You don’t need to hide the fact that you’re crying from me.”

 

“I’m not crying Sam.” I say again.

 

“Dean please-” I cut him off.

 

“Just drop it Sam.” I sit up sniffling once the tears stop their current and hope my eyes aren’t red and as puffy as they feel. I drive back home in silence.

 

Once inside Dad calls me over and sends Sam to his room. “Dean I would like to talk to you about something.”

 

“Okay.” I say.

 

“I looked up a few camps that help young men with their confusion about their sexuality.” I stare in utter disbelief. “There’s one that is accepting new comers in three months, that’s the earliest one I could find. You’ll be going.” And with that he leaves the room, just leaving me to stand in the middle of the floor with my mouth half open.

 

I quickly shut my mouth and head back up to my room.

 

…

 

It’s been almost a month since Castiel got shot by my Dad. In that time I’ve been visiting every day after school with Sam and occasionally picking up Lucifer and Chuck to visit him. What I’m currently doing, is standing in the hallway arguing with Dr. Seborg. “What do you mean the government is only going to pay for two more days of Cas being here?”

 

“The government will only pay so much, Mr. Winchester, when it comes to children in the hospital that aren’t making any progress.” Dr. Seborg tries to explain. “The government, in this case, will only pay for a month.”

 

“He’s in a coma for crying out loud. What do they expect him to do just wake up the next day?” I yell.

 

“Mr. Winchester, please calm down, you’re upsetting the other patients.” He says soothingly.

 

“And what happens if he doesn’t wake up in two days?” I ask.

 

Dr. Seborg looks away from me. “Unless you can come up with thousands of dollars for each night Mr. Novak is in here, then we have no choice but to shut off the breathing assistance machine and let Mr. Novak pass away.”

 

He says it so bluntly and casually that is outrages me. “You son of a bitch. You’re going to murder him?”

 

“Well…” He trails off.

 

“No I won’t let you do it.” I protest.

 

Dr. Seborg sighs. “You have no say in it Mr. Winchester, you’re not his guardian.”

 

It’s a low blow. “No, I’ll come up with the money.”

 

“How?” He asks. “You can’t just throw a fundraiser and expect to have enough for however longer Mr. Novak is in here.”

 

“Damn it.” I mutter under my breath, rubbing my face. “You can’t turn off the machine. It’ll stop his heart.”

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Winchester but it’s not your choice or decision.” And with that he walks away.

 

I rub my face again walking into Castiel’s room. “You hear that Cas?” I begin yelling at the comatose form. “You only have two fucking days to wake up and I only have two months before I’m shipped off to gay camp, so wake up so we can get…” I trail off.

 

I sit in the chair that is still by his bed. I haven’t been getting much sleep, nightmares keeping me up all night. Today is Sunday, Sam is at home being the nerdy giant that he is and Dad thinks I’m out with Jo.

 

I take a deep breath to relax. “What am I going to do Cas? I can’t get that kind of money.” I pause. “Am I going to have to say goodbye to you? I don’t want to.”

 

I look up at the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. “I need help, Cas, but I don’t know who to ask. I would ask Bobby…” I look back to Castiel. “But Bobby doesn’t have enough money either, so what am I going to do?”

 

I’ve gotten used to talking to Castiel and not getting a response back. It was, I’ll admit, weird at first since it felt like I was talking to myself, but, somewhere, along the way, I actually felt like I was talking to Castiel and he could hear me. “That’s why you need to wake up soon, preferably in the next two days, okay Cas?”

 

I stand up, kiss his lips the best I can, and walk out. I head home and once there find Dad has gone to the store. “How’s Cas?” Sam asks as I pass his room.

 

“Same.” I decide not to tell him about the money problem, he can’t do anything about it anyway.

 

I go to my room and lie down on my bed. I pick up the remote to my stereo and begin playing Metallica. I close my eyes and drift off to dream land, although, few hours later I wake up from another nightmare.

 

…

 

I’m at my locker to get my stuff for study hall, my dad successfully removing me from gym, when Lisa walks up to me. “Hey Dean, how’s Castiel doing these days? Better I hope.”

 

“Leave me alone Lisa.” I stalk off.

 

“Oh come on Dean.” She follows me. “I just want to be friends again.”

 

“Well too bad.” I turn to her, stopping my walking. “Not going to happen.” Then I walk away, this time Lisa not following.

 

I get into study hall, distracted that Castiel only has the rest of today and tomorrow or else he’s going to die. I sit down at a lone table and take out my homework that I have tonight.

 

It didn’t take me long to catch up on the stuff I missed from when I took a week off like the principal suggested. I begin working on the complex problems that my brain ‘a’ is too tired to figure out, ‘b’ to distracted to figure out, or ‘c’ I’m just too dumb to figure them out.

 

My phone starts to vibrate in the middle of study hall and I sneak my phone out of my pocket to see whose calling. It’s the hospital and I shoot out of my seat, causing the chair to tip over and make a lot of noise, and making all the students and teacher look at me. “Hello?” I answer, ignoring the glare the teacher is giving me.

 

“Dean you can’t have your cell phone out and talking on it.” The teacher says but I ignore him, too focused on the voice coming from the phone.

 

“Mr. Winchester, we have good news.” My spirits rise. “Mr. Novak has woken up. It’s a miracle really. Anyways he’s kind of distraught and I have told him where he is and what has happened but he’s asking for you.”

 

“Is he breathing on his own?” I can see some of the confused looks of my classmates and see curiosity spark in their eyes.

 

I practically hear the nod. “Yes very much so.”

 

“I’ll be right there, of course.” I hang up without listening to see if Dr. Seborg has anything more to say. I rush out of the classroom, ignoring the teacher calling after me, and head to the principal’s office. Once called in I burst out saying, “Cas is awake I have to go see him.”

 

He must see how happy I am because he smiles widely and gleams with joy. “That’s fantastic. Of course you can be excused and go see him, I’ll let your fourth block teacher know and the teacher that you have this block.”

 

“Thank you.” I say gratefully.

 

“Now hurry along, I’m sure Mr. Novak is waiting anxiously for you.” He waves his hands towards the door in a ‘shoo’ motion.

 

“Thank you.” I say again and rush to the Impala. I pull out of the school’s parking lot and drive to the hospital like there is no tomorrow. I jog to Castiel’s room, more than one nurse warning me to stop running, and burst through his closed door. “Cas?” I’m smiling so widely that I’m sure my face is going to fall off from the pain of stretched cheek muscle.

 

“D-Dean.” His voice cracks from not being in use for a whole month and having a tube shoved down his esophagus but he is beaming in delight. “D-Dean.”

 

I walk fast up to him and wrap my arms around him, kissing his lips hard. I thought I’d never feel this again. “Oh Cas…” I kiss him again. “I was so…” And again. “scared that I was…” One more time. “going to lose you.” I crash our lips together again but eventually we have to part for air. Instead I settle on hugging him to death. “Oh Cas, I love you, I love you, I love you.” I kiss his temple, holding him close.

 

His arms around me aren’t as tight but I’m sure he is weak after everything. “I love you too Dean.”

 

“You… you died twice.” I say before I can stop myself, pulling away from him.

 

He looks tired but he is smiling weakly, so happy to see me. “I know. I met an angel Dean, both times.”

 

“Yeah?” I ask.

 

He nods. “It’s funny, it was the archangel Gabriel. My brother’s name Dean.”

 

My smile gets bigger, if that’s possible, at how happy Castiel looks at that. “That’s awesome. What he look like?”

 

“I don’t really remember.” He says, a little breathless. “But I remember it felt warm and loving. I also remember him saying that it wasn’t my time yet the first time I died, the second time he scolded me for coming back. He also told me that my Dad and brother are fine and that their together and happy.” He smiles bigger. “Dean their happy.”

 

I smile back and rub my thumb on his stubbly cheek. “That’s great and you know what, it looks like you aren’t going to Hell after all.” He nods. “It’s so good to see you awake Cas.”

 

“It’s good to see you too Dean.” His eyes droop.

 

“Look at you, tired even though you were in a coma for a whole month.” I point out.

 

“Yeah, you’re going to have to explain all that to me.” He points out.

 

“I will.” I kiss his forehead. “But for now, you go back to sleep and rest, your body still has to heel.” He nods and brings his hand up to stroke my cheek.

 

“You have to shave too Dean.” And then he shuts his eyes and is almost immediately fast asleep with me wondering if he actually did hear me when I was talking to him all those times, and that thought just makes my smile grow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know about you but I really like that last line in this chapter. It just leaves it at a mystery and where the reader can come up with their own thought about that.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is back in Castiel’s POV.

**Chapter 28:**

 

I wake up with Dean sitting in a chair beside me watching _Dr. Sexy M.D._ on the hospital’s room’s television. He’s sitting close enough to the bed to lean on it and he’s holding my hand, the one with the IV drip in the vain, intertwining our fingers. “Dr. Sexy, really?”

 

“It’s a marathon.” He says enthusiastically.

 

I shake my head and smile. “Dr. Sexy confuses me.” I mention, furrowing my brow. “I never understand what is going on.”

 

“That’s because you haven’t seen it since the beginning.” His smile widens. “Here he comes, Dr. Sexy.” He has a lustful look in his eyes and I chuckle. Once Dr. Sexy’s scene is done he turns to me. “You have to admit Cas, even if you don’t understand what’s going on Dr. Sexy is sexy.”

 

I chuckle and shake my head again. “Maybe I should ask Sam about it.”

 

“No.” Dean says quickly. “Uh… he doesn’t watch it so he wouldn’t know.”

 

“Uh huh.” I smirk.

 

Dean leans up close to my face. “Don’t be cute.” He rubs our noses together in an Eskimo kiss then turns back to the TV.

 

“Dean, are we going to talk about it?” My voice cracks again.

 

He turns to me once more. “Talk about what?”

 

“What… happened.” I answer.

 

Dean hesitates. “Later okay Cas?”

 

“You’re hiding something.” I state tiredly.

 

He avoids my eyes. “What could I be hiding?”

 

“Okay fine, continue hiding your little secret, but tell me one thing then I’ll drop the subject until later.” I begin but Dean stands up.

 

“Look at the time.” I glance at the clock and see it’s almost three. “Got to go pick up Sam from math club.” He begins leaving.

 

“Dean.” I stop him and see him swallow nervously. “Just answer if John is rotting in jail.”

 

He still doesn’t make eye contact. “No he’s not.”

 

I look at him confused. “Why not? Why would they let someone who shot someone else go?”

 

There must be something intriguing on the floor because Dean won’t stop looking at it. “They didn’t let him go Cas.”

 

This confuses me even more. “What? Is you being there and being an eyewitness not good enough for them?”

 

Dean swallows nervously again. “That’s not the case.”

 

“Then what is it? Did they not believe you? Did they-” I go to say something else but Dean cuts me off.

 

“I didn’t turn him in.” I stare at him, thinking I heard wrong. “I didn’t say it was him, I didn’t turn anyone in. I said I didn’t know who did it.”

 

“What?” I ask, disbelieving. “Why?”

 

Dean glances at me but quickly averts his eyes. “He’s my father Cas.”

 

“So? He shot me Dean.” I’m becoming labored in breathing and I see Dean glance at the heart monitor. “Father or not, he tried to kill me.”

 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Oh don’t give me that bull, you went years, _years_ , Cas, with your mother beating you.”

 

I flinch and look away from him. From the corners of my eyes I see Dean fidget uncomfortably. I turn back to him slowly. “She, at least, didn’t try to kill me.”

 

Dean hesitates. “Yeah well… you still didn’t turn her in because you said she was your mother and that she was all you had left.”

 

“But you have me and-” He cuts me off.

 

“And you have me!” He snaps.

 

Instead of commenting I finish what I was saying. “And Sam, you have Sam.”

 

“He’s family Cas.” Dean continues.

 

“Aren’t I family?” I ask.

 

“Damn it Cas.” I can tell Dean is getting frustrated. “I’m not turning in my dad.”

 

By now both of us are getting angry. “But why? It doesn’t make any sense Dean.”

 

He glances back at the heart monitor. My heart is racing. “Cas, maybe you should calm down.”

 

“I can’t calm down when the guy that tried to kill me is running loose.” I snap back, taking deep breaths to calm my heart.

 

“Cas you okay?” Dean asks, stepping closer.

 

“I’m fine Dean.” I take deep breaths. “You have to pick up Sam right? So just go.”

 

“Cas.” I don’t want to hear it.

 

“Go Dean!” I practically yell, looking away from him only to look back a split second after.

 

He looks to the floor again. “I’ll come back with Sam.”

 

“Don’t bother.” I look angrily at him. “I don’t want to see the face of my attempted murderer’s protector.” I look away again.

 

“Sam is going to want to see you awake.” He begins leaving again.

 

I stop him once more. “Does Sam know about John?”

 

He doesn’t turn around. “Yeah he does.”

 

“And he didn’t…” I trail off feeling betrayed.. “Lucifer and Chuck?” A nod. “Not even Lucifer turned him in?”

 

“They weren’t a part of it so they weren’t questioned and they have no means of getting to the police station.” Dean defends.

 

“They can still call the police.” I narrow my eyes in anger at my lap.

 

“I think they want _me_ to turn him in.” He still doesn’t look at me.

 

“Then do it.” He shakes his head and I shake mine in turn. “Whatever Dean.” I’m pissed. “Go be with your _dad_.” He walks out. “Damn it.” I finally manage to calm down and turn to the TV that is still on. Dr. Sexy is going into surgery with a muscular yet beautiful blonde. I turn the television off angrily.

 

…

 

By the time Dean arrives back, I’m dozing off into oblivion. Them coming in wake me, however, but I pretend to sleep.

 

“Sam, shush, Cas is sleeping.” I hear Dean scold. “Your body is too big to be quiet in this room.”

 

“Shut up jerk.” Sam says, clearly annoyed.

 

“Bitch.” I can tell Dean is smiling.

 

“Dean, look at him.” There’s a pause. “I still think you should turn in Dad.”

 

I hear Dean shuffle. “Why do you want Dad to go to jail so badly, Sammy?”

 

Sam sighs. “Because Dean, think about it, family or not he still tried to kill someone. Cas wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for him.”

 

“Yeah, but, that’s the point Sam, he _is_ family, I can’t just turn him in.” Dean whispers calmly.

 

Sam sighs again. “Dean, if you don’t turn him in, someone else probably will.”

 

“Who?” Dean is getting angry now and his voice is rising. “You?”

 

“Yeah me.” Sam answers.

 

“I’ll deny it.” Dean says.

 

“When the cops come to question Cas, do you really think he’s going to let someone who shot him go?” Sam has a point, what will I say when I’m questioned?

 

Dean remains silent so I decide to stir. “Dean, Sam?” I pretend yawn.

 

“Hey sleepy head.” Dean gives me a weary smile. “You okay?”

 

All of a sudden the anger is back. “What’s it to you?” I don’t hide the pain and anger in my voice.

 

Hurt flashes across Dean’s face. “It means everything to me.”

 

“Apparently not everything.” I retort back.

 

Anger flashes in his eyes this time. “How can you say that?”

 

“Easily.” I simply say.

 

“Shooting fire with fire are we Cas?” He says so calmly I can tell he’s extremely pissed. “Fine, I’ll come back later to pick you up Sam.”

 

“Dean…” Sam tries to stop him from leaving but Dean is already out the door. “Cas what the hell?” Sam turns to me angrily.

 

“I’m sorry Sam but if Dean is going to protect your dad, then I don’t want to see him.” I turn my head away from him, looking out the window. The sun is out and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.

 

Sam sighs for the third time since he’s gotten here. “Cas, listen, I know you feel betrayed by him but you can’t just-”

 

“What?” I interrupt, turning to him. “Be mad at him when he… and not show him how much it hurts that my own boyfriend isn’t letting me get some justice?” I look at Sam angrily. “I’m not just going to forgive him so easily this time.”

 

“But Cas,” Sam tries again. “You know Dean, family is the most important thing to him.”

 

“And I’m not important to him?” I ask.

 

“Don’t say that, you know you’re important to him.” I can tell Sam is getting annoyed but I can’t seem to care.

 

“Apparently not as important as family.” I claim. “And let’s face it, I’m not family.”

 

Sam gives me one of his bitch faces. “But you’re like family, especially to Dean.”

 

I give him a sad smile. “But not like how you and John are.”

 

“Cas…” Sam begins but I don’t let him finish.

 

“Just drop it Sam… please.” I look out the window again not wanting to see the judgment in Sam’s eyes. My heart is still racing so Dr. Seborg comes in to check why, gives Sam a warning to not add to the stress I already have, then gives me a small dose of morphine for my headache that I tell him I have and for the pain in my stomach that I also tell him I have. He doesn’t give me much though since I just came out of the coma.

 

Sam begins talking to me as he sits down but I don’t pay much attention to him. Before I know it I’m fast asleep, dreaming of unpleasant things. Only one stands out, however.

_I’m standing in the woods with only the moon for light, but it’s not much._

_John is standing a little ways away, holding a rifle close to him. He then lifts up the gun and points it to me._

_My heart skips a beat and I turn on my heels, running as fast as my feet and legs can go. I can hear John chasing after me getting closer and closer._

_“Help!” I scream for help but no one comes, no one answers my plea for help, for safety._

_I’m gasping for breath, running fast to get away, away from the danger at hand, the danger that I know is closing in on me._

_“Help, please, someone help!” I yell as loud as my voice will go, trying to catch my breath._

_I trip, whether over a root or rock, I’m not sure, all I know is that suddenly I’m face planted in the mud and dead leaves._

_I turn onto my back to see John standing over me, rifle pointing to my head. Then the next thing I know there’s a flash of bright, white light and a loud bang to accompany the light._

 

My eyes shoot open, sweat coating my body as if I’ve just gotten out of the shower. I realize I’m gasping for oxygen in the real world, too.

 

I take a deep breath as my body shakes with fear. I try to calm down, the heart monitor going ballistic, alerting me how fast my heart is going. I take long deep breaths to try and subdue the shaking but it’s not really working.

 

I feel something heavy on my sweaty, shaking legs. I look down to see Dean, head on my lap, asleep. He seems to be mumbling something in his sleep that sounds a lot like ‘no’. Then all of a sudden he jolts upright, looking around wildly until he catches my eyes. “You’re awake.” He says and I nod, sure that I still look frightened and my breath is still a little fast. He then scrunches up his eyebrows. “Why are you sweating?” He looks at the heart monitor. “And why is that going a mile a minute?”

 

I take one last deep breath before answering. “Bad dream.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean says, swallowing. “Me, too.”

 

Dr. Seborg decides to come in at that time with a couple police officers. He quickly walks to the heart monitor then asks me what is wrong. I tell him I just had a bad dream. “Okay, um… these two officers are here to ask you a few questions, Castiel.”

 

I look to one officer to the other. “Okay.” I say wearily.

 

“Mr. Novak, we would like to know whether or not you could recall who shot you?” One of the officers asks me.

 

“Um…” I look at both cops then move my gaze to Dean and see the pleading look he is giving me. I know, then, I can’t hurt him by betraying his trust, even though he betrayed mine. I internally sigh. “No, it was too dark. I didn’t even see what the person was wearing.” I see Dean give me a ‘thank you’ look and I shoot him an angry one back.

 

The cops ask me a few more questions then finally leave. I can see Dean begin saying something but he hesitates. He eventually gets it out, however. “Thanks, Cas.”

 

I give him a nasty look that shows him how extremely pissed off I am. “Whatever Dean.” I look around the room. “Where’s Sam?”

 

“I took him home.” Dean replies, looking me straight in the eyes.

 

“And you came back, why?” I ask.

 

“Because I love you.” He answers with a loving look. I look away from his eyes because I don’t want to see the pure love in them. “Look Cas, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m hurting you by protecting Dad but please, please Cas, try to understand.”

 

I shake my head, pursing my lips and looking at the ceiling. “I can’t Dean.” I look back at him. “You know I can’t. Dean I know John is your family, and family is everything to you, I know that, but I can’t let someone who wants me dead and even tried to get me dead, walk free.”

 

“Then why did you lie to the police?” Dean asks obviously a little confused.

 

“For you.” I look at my lap. “Because I wouldn’t be able to bear the pain of seeing pain and sadness and betrayal in your eyes.” I smile a sad smile at him and shrug. “Even though you betrayed me.”

 

“I didn’t… betray…” Dean doesn’t finish his sentence.

 

“But you did. You know you did.” I quickly look to the floor then back at him. “Dean I don’t know how we’re going to work out, if your father is still in the picture. He thinks I’m dead right? I don’t want to sneak around again Dean and this time, even if we did sneak around, it’ll be harder and once he finds out, he’s going to come after me again. So because of that…” I look to my lap again. “I don’t know what to do. Whether to stay with you or leave you, but the problem is that I love you too much to leave you, we’ve proven that in the past, so leaving you is basically out of the question. So now we have to sneak around until John finds out and actually manages to kill me.” I bite my bottom lip to keep me calm. “Dean I love you so much that I can’t lose you but with your father… it’s too much Dean, it’s just way too much to deal with. So what are we going to do, because I’m open to any suggestions other than letting your father go?”

 

“I don’t know, Cas, but what I do know is that I love you too and I don’t want you to leave and I don’t want to lose you.” Dean says.

 

“Then what?” I ask, shrugging my shoulders again.

 

Dean stares off into space for a long time then looks up at me for the longest time ever. I scrunch up my brow and tilt my head in confusion. Dean gives me a sad, reassuring smile then gets up. “I better go.” He leans down and kisses my cheek. After, he turns around and walks out.

 

I sigh and turn back on the TV, the Dr. Sexy marathon still running, but don’t pay much attention to it.

 

…

 

The next time I see Dean the time is 8:00 at night. “Dean? What are you doing here” I ask, apprehensively.

 

“Hi.” He says first. “Um… I actually wanted to talk to you.”

 

“Isn’t visiting hours over?” I ask.

 

Dean nods. “I told the front desk that it was an emergency.” I nod, mouthing ‘oh’. “Anyways, I um…” He doesn’t look at me but looks at his feet. “turned in my dad.” He glances up at me.

 

I stare blankly at him, my mind not fast enough to understand what exactly Dean said right away, but it soon hits me. “Really?” I ask surprised. “Why? What changed your mind?”

 

Dean takes a step forward and smiles at me. “You.”

 

“Me?” I inquire.

 

“Yeah.” Another step towards me. “I couldn’t stand the look in your eyes, the hurt, sadness, and especially the betrayal. I don’t ever want to see that again. So I went home, dropped Sammy off at a friend’s house, telling him what I was going to do on the ride, went to the police station and told them everything. They wondered why we didn’t tell them right away and I told them because my dad was threatening me and then you when you woke up. They seemed to by that.” He pauses. “They’ll probably be back tomorrow to get confirmation from you.” He shrugs. “So now I’m losing my dad too, just like mom.” I feel a little guilty. “But that’s okay, so don’t feel guilty Cas, because… turning him in… is worth it if I get you.”

 

I let out a puff. “You’re such ass.”

 

“Yet you love me anyways.” He chuckles slightly.

 

I chuckle too. “Sometimes I wonder why.”

 

“Oh, is that supposed to be an insult or compliment?” He asks with a laugh.

 

“Complement.” I answer. “Thank you Dean.”

 

“Anything for you.” He states.

 

We stare at each other for a long time before I indicate with my head for Dean to come over. “Come here Dean.” He walks over to me and I reach up, grabbing the back of his neck. I pull him down into a kiss, lingering there for a long time before pulling away. “It’s almost over but… the Dr. Sexy marathon is still playing. Want to finish watching it with me?” He nods with a smile and I pull the covers back. Dean climbs in. “Watch the IV.” He tucks his body under my arm and snuggles close, watching the TV.

 

I decide to ask him what we’re going to do now later. Instead I settle on snuggling up with Dean, watching Dr. Sexy M.D.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of had a hard time writing this chapter because I wasn’t sure what to put in it because everything else I want is going to be in the last chapter. This chapter is more like a filler.

**Chapter 29:**

 

When Lucifer and Chuck walk in with Dean and Sam the next day, a smile spreads across my face that could probably light up a room. “Lucifer, Chuck.” I greet happily.

 

“Hey Angel.” Lucifer says back.

 

“H-hey Castiel.” Chuck greets too.

 

I sigh, smile still on my face. “Am I glad to see you two.”

 

Lucifer smiles back. “Well it’s good to see my little cherub awake.”

 

I chuckle at being called a cherub. “Thanks Lucifer.”

 

“Yeah well…” He blushes. “… you’re my brother.” He comes up to me and hugs me, which surprises me.

 

I wrap my arms around him tightly. “You’re… hugging… me.”

 

“Great observation, Angel.” Lucifer jokes. “I almost lost you… I thought I was going to.” He kisses my neck in a friendly gesture. “I love you like a brother you know?”

 

I can feel his breath on my neck and his hair is brushing my cheek. “I’m sorry Lucifer.”

 

“Yeah well…” He pulls back but keeps his hands on both my shoulders. “…it’s not your fault.” He shoots a death glare to Dean.

 

“Hey,” I cup his cheek to gather his attention to me. “It’s not his fault either.”

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes. “Yes it is.” He stands and faces the unsuspecting Dean Winchester. “He’s the one that let his father find out, he’s the one who didn’t protect you well enough, he’s the one…”

 

“Lucifer.” I try to stop him but he doesn’t listen.

 

“…that didn’t turn in his damn fucking father after he tried to murder your ass!” I can tell he’s fuming now. “He’s a selfish bastard that doesn’t deserve you and he’s fucking lucky you’re still with him.”

 

“Lucifer.” I warn again. “Stop.”

 

“If it was up to me,” Lucifer ignores me. “he would have broken up with your sorry ass.” He says to Dean.

 

“Yeah well, you don’t control him so it’s not up to you.” Dean says angrily.

 

“Lucifer,” I grab his hand to get his attention. “Maybe you’re right, maybe I do deserve better-”

 

“Hey!” Dean exclaims surprised but I ignore him.

 

“ _but_ ,” I give Dean a warning glance. “my heart disagrees.”

 

“Maybe you should listen to your brain.” Lucifer says annoyed.

 

“My brain is the one controlling my heart.” I tell him.

 

Lucifer sighs exasperatedly. “Look at that, my little cherub is growing up to be a grown angel.”

 

“Maybe I’m not a cherub anymore?” I joke.

 

“You’ll always be a cherub in my eyes.” Lucifer smirks and taps my cheek. I shake my head and smile. “Chuck and I have some news.” I look on curiously. Lucifer walks over to Chuck and puts his arm around Chuck’s shoulders. “Me and Chuckles, we’re together.”

 

Chuck turns bright red and a smile plays on my face at Chuck’s embarrassment. “Really? I didn’t expect that.”

 

“Yeah well it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you Angel.” Lucifer says, kissing Chuck’s temple.

 

“We would probably s-s-still be n-not talking. Luci would be t-t-teasing me still and I would still be putting him in my s-story.” Chuck says with a smile.

 

“You still put me in your story, what are talking about?” Lucifer teases.

 

“And you still tease me.” Chuck adds. “Anyways, Castiel, you’re the reason why Luci and I became friends and now boyfriends.” Chuck compliments.

 

I stare at them in shock. “T-thank you… I actually didn’t even know you two were gay.” They just smile at me. “I have some news too.” Curiosity settles on both their faces. “When I died-”

 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Lucifer interjects.

 

“No listen, when I died, I met an angel.” Lucifer’s right eyebrow shoots up and Chuck looks intrigued. “The angel told me that my dad and brother, Gabriel, are in heaven and are together and happy. Isn’t that great?”

 

“Really? Is that why you look ‘happier’?” Lucifer asks.

 

I nod. “I feel as if this weight has been lifted off my shoulder.” I smile widely. “I feel great Lucifer. I mean it’s not all gone but… its better, you know?”

 

Lucifer smiles happily. “Looks like knowing your brother and father are in heaven really improved you.”

 

I smile big. “Yeah, I mean, it feels great. Lucifer, I mean really great.”

 

“Well you know what, Angel, you’ve helped me too. Before you came, I had no friends at all, mostly because of my name but… who wants to be friends with those crazy asses?” Lucifer chuckles. “Then you showed, a depressed teen who didn’t act like it when I first met you. You eventually grew on me and I thought, _Lucifer, maybe this is your chance to make a friend so don’t fuck it up,_ and here we are, brothers until the end.”

 

“You know, I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me before.” I chuckle.

 

Lucifer chuckles too. “You’re right though,” He continues. “It’s not gone completely, the pain, but it’s better.”

 

I smile lovingly at him. “Come here Lucifer.” He comes closer to me and I pull him into a hug. “I love you too, Lucifer.”

 

“Don’t ever die on me again, okay Angel?” Lucifer squeezes me, not wanting to let go. “I don’t want to lose you.”

 

I figure I shouldn’t ruin the mood by saying I’ll have to die sometime, so I settle on saying, “I won’t Lucifer.” I almost say ‘I promise’ but I think against it.

 

I go to let go of Lucifer but he squeezes again, indicating for me to stay. “No, just a little longer.”

 

…

 

A few hours pass, then Dean has to bring Lucifer and Chuck ‘home’. I give them my congrats to their relationship, hug them both, receive a kiss on the cheek by Lucifer, and then say goodbye.

 

Dean comes back after with Sam still in tow. “Where staying with Bobby.” Dean says when I ask where they’re staying.

 

“And what did he think about turning in your father?” I ask.

 

Sam answers. “He was actually cool with it once Dean explained what happened.”

 

“Yeah, he was surprised with what Dad did. He didn’t expect him to be capable of murder.” Dean adds. “He said we can stay for as long as need.”

 

“That’s good that he’s understanding. Besides Lucifer and Chuck, it’s nice to have an adult be fine with our relationship.” I say.

 

“Yeah it is.” Dean agrees. He pecks my lips. “We’re finally free.” I nod in approval. “And you know Cas, I should have turned in my dad the day of the shooting and I’m sorry I didn’t. If anything, though, I really should have sent him to prison when he told me he was going to send me away to a gay correction camp.”

 

“What?” I’m shocked. “You didn’t tell me he was going to that.”

 

“I didn’t think of it until now.” He answers even though I didn’t ask a question.

 

“Well, I for one, am glad you are not going to be sent away to try to ‘get straight’.” I say. “How long did you have?”

 

Dean sighs. “Two months, that’s the earliest they could get me in.”

 

“Wow, and I thought my mother putting me for adoption was bad.” I comment. That’s when Dean decides to attack me, jumping on top of me and tickling me. “B-be-” I’m engulfed in laughter. “careful.” I continue laughing. “Ow.” I say as I laugh.

 

Dean stills. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine Dean, just the pressure hurts a little.” Dean maneuvers so he’s not putting weight on my stomach.

 

He starts kissing me then pulls away a few seconds after. “Better?” He whispers.

 

“Much.” I say entranced and totally turned the fuck on.

 

Dean leans down and captures my lips in his own. It’s starting to get good when we hear Sam clear his throat. “Um… guys… I’m still here.”

 

Dean starts chuckling and rests his forehead on my shoulder while I smile. “Sorry Sammy.” Dean says loudly as he climbs off me.

 

“Dean it’s getting late.” Sam points out.

 

Dean looks at his watch. “Well would you look at that, he’s right.” Dean looks mournfully at me. “I don’t want to go.”

 

I rub his cheek with the back of my hand. “I don’t want you to either but it’s necessary. See you tomorrow?”

 

“Right after school.” Dean kisses my cheek, lingering there for a while before kissing it again then my lips. “See you Cas, love you.”

 

“Love you too Dean.” I say back.

 

“Bye Cas.” Sam waves to me as both him and his brother walk out of the room.

 

“Bye Sam.” I say as their figures disappear.

 

I sigh, not really knowing what to do. I turn the TV on but don’t find anything interesting so I settle on the history channel where they’re talking about George Washington for some unknown reason. I soon fall asleep, however, and begin to dream more unpleasant dreams.

 

I snap my eyes open just as the gun is going off and I look around the room, trying to jog my panicking brain of where I am. I soon calm down and a nurse walks in.

 

She’s a brunette with brown eyes and glasses. “Morning Castiel.” She greets as she walks over to check my vitals.

 

“It’s tomorrow already?” I ask and turn to the window.

 

“Yep. The sun’s out, the birds are singing. It’s a beautiful day.” She writes things down on a sheet of paper. “How do you feel this morning Castiel?”

 

“Fine, a lot better than yesterday.” I answer.

 

“That’s good.” She smiles at me. “Any pain?”

 

I shake my head. “Not at the moment.”

 

She nods in approval. “That means your body is healing.” She taps my shoulder then she leaves.

 

The rest of the day until Dean gets here consists of more nurses coming in and my doctor coming in twice. But then, finally, the guy I’ve been waiting on. “Where’s Sam?” I ask immediately.

 

“I left him with Bobby, that way we can have a little more privacy.” He whispers into my ear, taking the lobe in between his teeth and tugging lightly. “Mmm, you taste good.”

 

“Oh and how do I taste?” I ask.

 

“Like pie.” Dean states simply.

 

I chuckle. “What flavor pie?”

 

“Apple.” Dean nibbles at my cheek, pressing his nose into the soft part of it. “You’re starting to grow a beard. The first thing I’m going to have you do when you get out of this is shave.” He kisses my lips. “Though I like the whiskers so maybe just a trim instead.”

 

I chuckle again and pull him into a kiss. “Same with you Dean.”

 

Dean settles in beside me and sighs as he keeps his eyes closed. “I love you Cas, I want to stay like this forever, you and me.”

 

I find what Dean says sweet and so it causes a loving smile to enter my face expression. “I feel the same way Dean. That’s why I want to move to a state that allows gay marriage and marry you.”

 

I hear dean groan, “Mmm.”

 

“That sound good Dean? You and me, married?” I ask.

 

Dean nods against my chest. “It sounds like heaven.”

 

“Probably feels like it too.” I mention.

 

“Too bad it’s not the time now. I would love to marry you today.” Dean mumbles against me.

 

“I know Dean, me too.” I agree.

 

“You want to marry yourself?” Dean jokes, chuckling under his breath.

 

I begin to chuckle too. “Yeah Dean, I want to marry myself.” I kiss the top of his head. “No, I want to marry you.”

 

“Good.” I can tell Dean is starting to fall asleep.

 

“Get some sleep Dean.” I kiss his head again. “I hope you don’t have a nightmare this time.” I whisper into his hair.

 

Once I hear steady breathing and slight snoring I decide to take my own advice and take a nap, and for once I don’t have a nightmare because of Dean being beside me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s short, I know, but like I said before, wasn’t sure what to put in here. Thanks for reading and/or reviewing.
> 
> Next chapter is the last one and I must say, it saddens me a little because I have really gotten attached to this story’s version of Dean, Cas, (especially) Lucifer, and Chuck.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name of the sequel at the end

**Chapter 30:**

 

Dean is currently lying next to me under the hospital’s white blanket. He’s nuzzling my ear with his nose, whispering sweet nothings. He kisses my ear then he moves down to my cheek. He brushes his nose against my stubble, breathing in steadily. “I love you Cas.” He murmurs. He kisses my mouth, biting my bottom lip then sucking on it gently.

 

I kiss him back eagerly, slipping my tongue into his awaiting mouth. The kiss isn’t sloppy and rushed, it’s slow and controlled. “I love you too, Dean.”

 

“I want you inside me so bad Cas.” Dean says, moving to my neck.

 

“You are _asking_ me to top?” He nods against my neck, licking the pulse. “Wow, I thought I’d never see the day.”

 

“Shut up.” He looks me in the eyes. “I did say bottoming felt better than topping.”

 

“Well you’re going to have to let me bottom sometimes too, you know.” I say going to kiss his neck. “I want you to fuck me while I’m bound to the bed blindfolded.” I whisper in his ear.

 

Dean goes to say something but before he can Dr. Seborg walks in. “Hello Mr. Winchester.” He raises his left eyebrow. “I don’t think you should be in the bed.”

 

Dean climbs off, trying to give him his best innocent look while untangling his feet from the blanket. “Sorry.”

 

Dr. Seborg shakes his head in amusement. “Mr. Novak, it has been decided that you’ll be dismissed tomorrow afternoon.”

 

“Wait,” Dean speaks up. “He’s going to need a ride home and I have school tomorrow.”

 

Dr. Seborg doesn’t hesitate to answer. “I’ll make sure it’s after school hours.”

 

“Okay thank you.” Dean thanks.

 

Dr. Seborg continues. “I’ll also be giving you these antibiotics and pain medication. It may have been a month but this was a serious injury. I don’t want to take any chances.”

 

“He’s also taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills, is it okay to take with those?” Dean mentions.

 

Dr. Seborg looks at his clipboard. “I’ll be giving him a generic type that will be safe to take with his other medication.” He looks back to Dean. “I’ll be giving all the information to the psychiatric hospital.”

 

“Isn’t it dangerous to take that much medication?” Dean looks concerned.

 

“It’ll be fine in moderation and different times.” The doctor reassures.

 

“Well as long as he doesn’t die for a third time.” Dean says.

 

I grab his hand and squeeze. “Don’t worry Dean, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Yeah well, still.” I can see the worry in his eyes. I lean closer to him and kiss his lips.

 

“I’ll be fine.” I reassure again.

 

“You’ll only be taking the antibiotics for however long they last. You won’t need to get them refilled and only take the pain medication if and when needed. You probably won’t be in much pain as it is so if you can get away with taking something else, take that before the proscribed pain medication.” Dr. Seborg gives me a few papers about the medication. Once I approve he leaves.

 

Dean sits on the bed and I pull him back into my arms so his back is flush against my chest. “I won’t OD or have a bad mixing of pills, I promise.” I kiss the back of his neck.

 

“I don’t want to lose you again.” He sighs. “I love you too much.”

 

“You won’t lose me Dean.” I try to convince.

 

“That’s what you said before, now look.” Dean emphasizes.

 

I kiss his neck again then the tip of his ear. “I love you.” I whisper in his ear.

 

Something sparks in Dean’s eyes. “Were you serious about wanting to be tied to the bed blindfolded while I have my way with you?”

 

“Oh yeah.” I whisper seductively then bite his ear gently.

 

“You are really turning me on but tying you up? I don’t know Cas.” Dean looks skeptically.

 

“Oh come on Dean, I want it.” I lick his ear and I feel Dean shiver in my arms. “Look at that, you want it just as much as I do.” I growl in his ear this time and palm his crotch.

 

“Cas!” Dean squeaks and jumps half an inch. I hold him tighter, keeping him plastered to my chest.

 

“Or how about you tied to the bed?” I ask and Dean swallows. “I’m just kidding. I like the thought of you tying my wrists to the bed post, putting a blindfold over my eyes, and taking control, doing anything you want.” I blow into his ear causing him to shiver again.

 

I continue my assault on his crotch, feeling Dean gradually getting hard. “C-Cas n-not here.” Dean squeezes his eyes shut. He lets out a low moan.

 

“Why not Dean?” I bite his neck then lick the bruise. “Doesn’t it turn you on to be doing this in a forbidden place?”

 

He’s beginning to breathe hard and he lets out another moan. “C-Cas.”

 

“Shh.” I kiss his cheek. “It’s okay Dean.”

 

He reaches behind himself and reaches between my own legs. I bite his neck hard. Dean jerks away, hand flying to the bite mark. “Owe!” He pulls his hand away from his neck, looking at the red blood that smeared onto it. “You broke the skin!” He looks at me, bewildered.

 

“Don’t touch me Dean.” I squeeze his crotch eliciting a groan from Dean. “Just you. Let me pleasure you.” I unzip his pants and snake my hand into his boxers, grabbing the base of his dick and stroking slowly.

 

“Cas oh shit.” Dean moans out.

 

“A whole month, have you even touched yourself?” I ask.

 

“It’s… um… hard to get off when I know you’re in the hospital…” He moans. “…in a coma.” I squeeze harder and Dean bucks his hips, leaning into me. A few more pumps and Dean is coming undone right in front of me. “Son of a bitch!” He bites his bottom lip to stifle the loud moan but it doesn’t do much. Once he’s down from his high, he leans into me a little more gently. “Damn that felt good.”

 

“Well it has been a month for you.” I mention.

 

“And you.” Dean points out.

 

“Yeah.” I admit.

 

Dean turns over so we are chest to chest. “Let me help.” He pecks my lips.

 

“You need to zip yourself back up.” I point out.

 

Dean sighs and chuckles, resting his forehead on my shoulder. “”You’re evil.” Dean says, muffled by my shoulder.

 

“You like me like that.” I kiss the side of his head.

 

“Why won’t you let me help you? I can feel that you’re hard as well.” Dean sits back up to look me in the eyes.

 

“Because it was for you.” I explain. “I wanted to give something to you.”

 

Dean gives me his best flirty smile. “And I want to give something to you.”

 

“Then tie me to a bed and blindfold me.” I smirk. “Punish me for making you wait.”

 

“You really are serious, aren’t you?” Dean confirms and I nod. “Okay then,” He leans into my ear. “Just wait till you’re out of here.” He whispers.

 

…

 

As promised I’m let out the next day. I ended up going back to the psychiatric hospital and had to stay there for another year and half until they gave me a psychological evaluation.

 

Lucifer and Chuck were let out sooner than I was and ended up moving in with each other. They came and visited me every day while I was there. They had to come after school hours though because the hospital let me go back to school for my senior year of high school. I _somehow_ ended up with all my classes with Dean and even had lunch with him. I always wondered _who_ could have gotten the school to do that but, you know, I have my suspicions. Senior year went quite well, with no one bothering me or Dean about our sexual orientation and us dating each other. Lisa also dropped out her senior year because she got pregnant from some guy named Carlos.

 

I turned eighteen a few months after the shooting and turned nineteen for graduation, Dean complaining that he wishes he could be nineteen also. Bobby showed up to our graduation with Sam in tow. I half wished my mother would show up but of course she didn’t. Dean told me not to dwell on it but it still hurt.

 

Soon after graduation I had my psychological evaluation and they deemed me well enough to leave but they told me to stay on the antidepressants, just a lower dose. That kind of bummed me out but what can you do so I moved in with Chuck and Lucifer once they bought a house. Eventually Dean moved in with us too, of course Sam with him.

 

Dean and Lucifer are constantly going at each other with the rare occasions of them being civil to one another. The fighting does get old but I love the two of them so I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sam and Chuck hit it off right away, Sam finding his books fascinating and sharing some of his books in his collection.

 

As far as I’m concerned, I’m happy. My brother and Dad are together in heaven, I have Dean, I have my two best friends, and I have my soon to be brother-in-law, that is if I can convince Dean to finally marry me but that’s a different story all together. I continue to take the antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills but I’m finally content in life.

 

“Cas would you get off that computer and come to bed already? You’re the one that wanted to be the angel taken by the demon so hurry.” Dean’s voice comes from our bedroom.

 

I chuckle. “Coming Dean.” I call back.

_Goodbye and live life to the fullest._

 

I hit save and then print. As the printer is printing I walk into the bedroom to have Dean tackle me down to the bed, dressed in an all red demon outfit. “I love you Cas.”

 

I smile up at him. “I love you too Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there’s the end. I hope it wasn’t too disappointing. Thank you all who stuck with this through the whole thing, it makes me really happy to know that you all liked it that much.
> 
> The sequel is called, to stick with the heartache theme, Heartache: Abyss of Emerald and the Azure Flame.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Fanfiction.net under the same username. This was my very first fanfiction ever. Updates will be whenever I have the time to copy over what I typed from the word document. Since I'm used to ff.net's rating system, as this story goes on, let me know if I should raise the rating to explicit. Thanks. Hope you enjoy. :)


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